Normal Adultolescent Behavior

Misery Loves Company.

2012-01-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

"Happy New Year's."

"Happy New Year's! What're you doing?"

"Watching Bones. Another pathetic New Year's haha. You?"

"In my room trying to get my TV working. Same haha"

"I'm on a bad New Year's eve streak."

"I'm on a twenty year pathetic holiday streak haha"

"I believe I know what you mean."

"It's actually really depressing."

"Agreed. Sucks when you don't have friends to party with."

"My God, I know! K. will you please move here? We have the exact same problems."

"I'm tempted to....I'd have a friend."

"Same here. Just move down here, and we could be each others friend and actually enjoy holidays."

"I'd love to actually enjoy the holidays for once instead of being totally depressed."

"They make me...bleh. Everyone's having fun, and I'm sitting in my room."

"Seriously... I just hate that it emphasizes the fact that I'm alone."

"It does. It's like, "Hooray, you have no one who wants to spend their holidays with you. Woohoo." And then I spend all night thinking about it."

"Yeah....I started taking it out on M."

":/ Really?"

"Yep, he doesn't get it. He knows something is off, but after how many times I've explained it... He's social, has friends. I'm not and don't."

"J. doesn't get it either. She's got all her college friends with all her college parties and guess what..I don't."

"Somehow I'm pretty sure going away to a four year college may have been a wiser choice. I think I get it though...with a boyfriend I shouldn't feel alone anymore. But I do, so maybe I blame him for 'abandoning' me here."

"Yeah. Is it his fault? Logically, no."

"It's not his fault, but when you're feeling rejected and alone, doesn't seem to matter much."

"That's exactly how I feel. It's everyone I care abouts fault if they're happy and I'm not. It sucks. I just want other people's happiness to making me unhappy lol."

"Yes! That's exactly it. I can't stand seeing happy friends. It's like everyone has friends/a bff, and I've got no one. I'm not too keen on feeling like a failure at life."

"You're not a failure. If you're a failure, I'm a failure. So you're not a failure. It pisses me off. I dunno if it's me or my environment."

"I am the I am because of my choices and the environment I grew up in. I think I can pinpoint the exact time when everything changed for me."

"Then pinpoint it."

"I got depressed, my dad was always getting in my face, I got suicidal, then started hating everyone and everything around me. I shut myself down socially."

"Eleventh grade is when I got depressed bad and burnt all my bridges. I regret so much of that."

"I got trapped in a pattern of living, and I honestly have no clue how to recover. There really is no one left for me here. I keep thinking if only I'd gotten help, maybe I wouldn't be like this now."

"It's like, what the hell are you gonna do? How are you supposed to build a life when you let yours die? People say go to new stuff and do new stuff, but when you're not used to stable social connections that you actually enjoy, you can't just 'make friends'."

"Oh, I definitely can't make new friends. it's like being the new kid at school and trying to break into a tightly knit social groups. Maybe easier when you're a kid. I think it's much harder as an adult. The most you'll be seen as is an acquaintance."

"Yeah, exactly. I'm good at getting to meet people, but inept at getting to know people. I don;t think I've made an actual FRIEND in....three years? Maybe four."

"Same here. I'm starting to feel how crippling it is not be able to make social connections. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so eager to get out of here. Can I really forge a new life for myself? I don't have any attachments other than family here.?"

"You should come here and forge one with me, but yeah. An entirely new start may restart everything for you. Maybe it would for me too. Gotta break the pattern."

"I have no choice but to break it."

MIssed the Boat.

2011-12-31T16:37:00.000-08:00

I'll just come out and say it: I have no friends. The one long distance friend is turning out to be a complete ass lately, and my one in-state friend I had is made at me over not going to a concert (long story, but all you need to know is she has no real reason to be mad). I guess the more I think about it the more I realize the friends I want don't want to be friends with me, and the friends I have are flakes. But maybe I'm a flake too, or I don't take as much initiative as I should.

How did I get this way? I completely shut down when I was a teenager. I was going through so much emotional turmoil that I just hated everyone. Not to mention I'm extremely shy, so now even though I want friends, I'm too shy to make them. I got into a pattern of living, and now I don't exactly know how to break it.

Everyone needs a best friend. I don't have one. I don't have that partner in crime; that one friend I could talk to about anything . . . if you have a best friend, I think you get what I mean. We're social creatures, and let's just say I feel really stupid for cutting everyone off. I just don't have anyone. I'm ending up jealous of everyone who has one. My sister had her best friend over the last night, and there are times when the three of us hang out, but this was one of those times where it was clear I wasn't meant to part of this little get together. Then it only became more evident that I'm missing out. It feels like I can't find someone because everyone has already found a best friend (sounds kinda funny, I know).

So now I get to bring in the new year alone . . . that bodes well.

Welcome to the Non-Life.

2011-12-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

The non-life. I find myself trapped in one. I'm tired of it. Really tired of it. I'm living in the realm of ideas and wishful thinking. It became more apparent to me after talking to L. We were talking about my relationship with M., and she said it seemed that he and I act like we're already married. I would like to call this a non-marriage. It's true, M. and I do act like we're already married. We just don't get to enjoy any of the benefits. This is all very frustrating really. If we're already acting like we're married, then we might as well get married. Instead, we have this idea that it might happen within the next year.

This is all pending a move that we're thinking might happen next year as well. And that can only happen if I pass the jurisprudence exam and get a massage license there. All of this can't happen until I have enough money saved up, find someone to live with over there . . . basically a bunch of variables have to work out first. But we act as if its is a definite thing. And I want it to be.

I feel like this whole non-life and non-marriage won't change until that happens. Everything is on hold for me right now. I can't get a job here because I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I want to make friends, but what's the point if I'm just going to leave. I can't do anything here because every spare cent I have goes into a moving fund. It's because I'm in this stand still that I get frustrated and moody with M. I miss him, and I can't be with him. And I'm so tired of this non-life. Hearing about his life is somewhat hard because deep down I feel more like a non-girlfriend. I'm so removed from him, and that's not going to change.

Please Don't Go.

2011-12-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

The last four days have flown by. This weekend I had my college graduation, and my boyfriend and I thought it only fitting that since he saw me graduate from high school that he see me graduate from college. So he flew out her for four short days. It also happened that he was out here over protocol (my old high school's version of a prom). The Alumni are always invited to join in the event, so my boyfriend and I decided it would be fun to go. Dinner at an amazing restaurant and a play afterwards, a good way to end his visit.

There were times that I wished I had planned more things for us to do other than my graduation and protocol (not to mention the mass amount of shopping). I'm torn between wanting to make the most of his time out here by doing a bunch of things, and just simply relaxing and enjoying each other's company. But overall both of us felt really good about how this trip went.

Now for the hard part. . .him leaving. You all might think that after awhile people in long distance relationships would just get used to always having to say good bye. Not for me and my boyfriend. Good byes are so hard for me, and I officially hate airports. We literally sit on my couch the night before or day of him leaving, and wait for me to just burst into tears because sooner or later it will happen. Once I do, he holds me close and tells me how much he loves me and that we will see each other soon. He's amazing like that and puts up with me getting mascara on his shirt.

It's not easy letting his leave. Every time I beg him to stay, even though I know he can't. I feel so complete with him, and now that he's gone life away from him seems that much more bleaker.

Impulsive Behavior.

2011-11-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I did something pretty uncharacteristic. Well, maybe uncharacteristic isn't the right word; it was more the sudden urge to do something spontaneous. Different. It was just after 10 on Saturday night, and I was sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds. A chat on facebook popped up on my computer screen. It was a friend I used to go to school with and had only recently reconnected with. He was turning 21 and wanted to know if I wanted to come to his birthday party. So I had to do a little thinking. On the one hand, and I was already ready for bed, I wouldn't know anyone there. On the other hand, I hadn't done anything all day, and this, this was different. This could be exciting. By 11 I was out the door.

When I showed up, it was a bunch of guys sitting around a fire. I sat next to my friend and chatted about school and the people that used to be in our class. It wasn't so terribly bad, other than the fact that it was freezing outside. Ok, it was a little awkward. All guys I didn't know, and I, the awkward female. After awhile, my friend offered me hookah. I thought, what's the harm in having a little hookah. It had been awhile since I had it, so I had a little. It was only after the fact that he told me the hookah had been mixed with some other stuff. I stopped smoking it immediately.

Most of the guys had left at that point, and a couple others and two other girls showed up carrying their bottles of alcohol. The conversation turned towards the possibility of going to a club or going inside to have a dance party once another car full of girls showed up. At this point, I knew it was my cue to leave the scene of the party.

I don't know what it was that made me so uncomfortable the whole time. It's not like I mind other people having a good time and maybe being on the high/drunk side. I guess I'm not the party-going type. One drunk or high person at a time. Do you have to grow up around that stuff in order to be comfortable with it? Perhaps it's the fact that I have to be in control of the situation and when you factor drugs and alcohol in, well, that control goes out the window. If I were to be intoxicated or high, my control would go out the window. I'm too self-conscious for that. I don't know if I could make a total idiot of myself because there's no telling what I'd do. I think I have control issues. Go figure haha.

Without a Shadow of a Doubt.

2011-11-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I met with a friend I hadn't seen for over a year. We went to dance together until she went off to college in Canada. We sat in Red Robin and tried to catch each other up on the goings on of the past year. I told her all about school, work, my boyfriend, and all that jazz. Her story was more about how she had no idea what it is she wanted to do with his life. She didn't know if she still wanted to pursue a degree in environmental science. She had no idea who she was. This was part of the reason why she took off a semester from college. And she's not the only one I know who is having trouble figuring what to do with the rest of their lives.

I felt so bad that she was dealing with this. It's overwhelming, really, not knowing where you're going in life. Everything is so uncertain, and all you can feel is the incessant ticking of the clock. But when I think about it, all this worry over what path in life your life is supposed to take, I don't know if I've ever experienced it. I was a sophomore when I decided that I was going to become a massage therapist. I had no idea what was entailed in being a massage therapist, but I had set mt sights on that career. When I set foot in the school (which I also picked out my sophomore year), did my first massage, I just knew this was what I was meant to do. Today, I just received my massage license in the mail. My license has only been active a week, and already I've had an interview.

The same thing goes with my boyfriend. Once we started talking, I just knew we were supposed to be together. Our chemistry was undeniable to me. He is my other half. I often say jokingly that he is my left brain, and I'm his right brain, but it is completely true. He's everything I'm not. I love him so much, and when I see him, I see my future. Our future. As I mentioned so many times before, now I've decided to move to be with him.

There are so many other times in life that I could tell you about where I just had this certainty. I don't know if it is because I'm just really stubborn that when I put my mind to something, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it, or I have some innate ability to know what I'm supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm better at living than I gave myself credit for. You don't have to have some clear picture about what your purpose is in life, and you shouldn't have to go far to find it. In living, you find your purpose --Or rather put, you are living out your purpose day by day, sometimes unknowingly putting the puzzle pieces together until one day you take a step back and see the whole picture.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life.

2011-11-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

This journey of self-discovery is never ending, and I feel like I'm starting down this path once again. I may have just had a break through. Ever since school ended I've been dealing with having way too much time on my hands. There has been no social life to balance out the sitting, reading, and doing nothing. Needless to say, I've been going out of my mind. Depression. Passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, it's all been directed toward my boyfriend. It's like I'm mad at him for having a life and friends, which is absurd!

Every other Tuesday I meet with a friend/talk therapist/life coach. In talking all of this over, I've come to better understand myself. I'm an introvert plain and simple. I like being around people, but after awhile I need my space --my alone time. For some reason I can't seem to be ok with being an introvert. I desperately wish I wasn't, and that seems to be the problem. After the meeting, I realize that what I'm looking for is not a bunch of friends, but a few really close friends. And I'll probably have to wait to find those friends until after I move.

So coming to terms with being an introvert.

L. thought it would be important for my boyfriend to really know this part of me before I moved out there to be with him. I'm going to have to becomes friends with a group of people who have known each other for a pretty long time. As a shy person, this is no easy task. For me, nothing is worse than sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk about things that they only know, and no one has even really made an attempt to include you. Nothing really makes you feel more alone than actually being in a group of people, but still being on the outside. At that point, I'd rather be doing nothing by myself. I need to know he's there to be my support to ease me into the group, not run off with his friends and leave me in the dust.

I was reminded of my trip out to see my boyfriend back in to June. One event stands out in particular: M. and I went downtown to meet up with one of his friends. I'd heard a lot about her, and I'm more than certain she had heard a lot about me, so now we were finally meeting. As we sat on the dock, I think i may have said two complete sentences the entire time we were there. M. and his friend were going about about all this drama that was going on with the people they knew. I felt like I was just taking up space. And not once did M. touch me. Take my hand. Something. Just so I knew he was still there . . . still knew I was there. I didn't want all out PDA in front of his friend, only a hey-I-know-your-shy-but-don't-worry-I'm-right-here-don't-be-scared kind of gesture. After that trip, a tiny small part of me wanted to decide not to have anything to do with his friends at all. They are thick as thieves, and I'm the introvert.

I keep mentioning how scary (but still exciting) moving is going to be. Not only in the sense that I will be on my own for the first time, and 2700 miles away from home at that, but also in the sense that I won't know anyone save for M. and his family. But maybe now that I've come to this understanding of myself and have shared this with M., we can find a way to make the transition better. I might be able to cope with things better.

Hoping. Wishing. Waiting.

2011-09-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

Living means taking some risks. Never are you going to find yourself absolutely prepared for anything. Lately, I've found that I'm willing to risk it all for the sake of love. I want to get married more than anything to M. I know we're both on the young side, we don't have it all together, and there's this little thing I like call money, but all you need is love, right? Or so they say.

Over the past year, I've come to realize how short life is; it is literally over (or could be over) in the blink of an eye. So why wait to spend the rest of your life with the person you love? The last couple weeks have been a major wake up call for me. I've gotten so used to thinking people are permanent fixtures in my life, and I take for granted how easily everything changes. Within the last couple weeks, a man I work with every Monday just found out he has stage four lung cancer and leukemia. Now it's down to a matter of time. We are so fragile. Life is so fragile. As soon as I realized this, I texted M. To ask if we could finally just be together, which seems to be the impossible task. I can't take wasting anymore time not sharing a life with him.

Then he told me of some mutual friends who up and decided to get engaged after one or two months of dating. They're taking the risk, and i couldn't help but be jealous and sad. Why can't M. and I take that risk? Why do we have to wait till all of our ducks are in a row? I understand that it's good to at least be somewhat prepared for marriage: it's not easy. But you can't wait around forever because your ducks will never be in a row. Please, show of hands, who has it all together right now? However, I know you can't force someone to do something before they feel ready. It's a catch 22.

So instead of moving to be with M. Next year, I'm now contemplating my next move in my education. I am really getting excited about Ayurvedic practices. The school I'm looking at is here rather then over there (ah, the vagueness of it all) and will take at least a year and a half to two years. Might as well focus on a career instead of idly twiddling my thumbs....right?

How We Get By.

2011-08-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

In media res...

"Nope, then I stop talking and get mad at everyone."

"I hate it when I get depressed and hate everyone."

"Yeah, it really sucks, especially when you can't stop being depressed and mad."

"You can't just buck up and get happy."

"I envy happy people sometimes."

"So do I but they never see parts of the world that we do. There are tiny, tiny upsides to suffering from mental disorders. They are NOTHING compared to the downsides though."

"Yes, being able to understand people and be more sympathetic and all that jazz is great, but it's tiring dealing with this all the time and makes you want to give up."

"Id does. What's sad is if the depression ended, we would be so strong. We have the strength to survive the desire to kill ourselves and the hatred of our own existence. But it keeps coming back and shoving you down."

"I was told recently that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I don't believe it for this very reason. I'm weak. All I feel that most of the time I'm fighting a losing battle. It's like living in fear because sure you're ok for the moment, but it's only a matter of time before you spiral back downward again."

"But you ARE strong. You survive depression and still maintain a life."

"I guess I have that to be thankful for. But it's hard not to wish I wasn't here sometimes. I just have an awesome support group aka you."

"Thank God we're both insane!"

"Glad we both made it to the party haha."

"Depressed people gotta stick together."

I know the distance is a factor But I stretch as often as I can My goal's to reach your hands any day now

2011-07-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's been something I've been working towards for a little while now, and it shouldn't be too much longer before it actually happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I really can't take being away from M. anymore. A year has been long enough, and now I want to have a normal relationship with him. One where we're actually in the same state and don't have to wait every three months or so just to see each other. A lot of things have to fall into place though before I can even move though, and thinking about what it takes is so overwhelming. Career services recently came to my class to we could start the long twelve week process of getting our background checked. We also filled out applications to take the massage board exam. Because I'm planning on moving, I have to take the national board exam. This one will be harder and more comprehensive, which has me a bit worried. I have twelve more weeks until I'm finished with school, and then it will be a few more until I can schedule taking my exam. This puts us into November.

I wanted to take a two weeks vacation over Thanksgiving to see M., but now that's looking like it won't happen. I can't really book tickets when I don't know when I can take my exam. And once I'm finally licensed here, then I can start the process of getting licensed in the state I want to move to. The jurisprudence exam is only given at the first of every month minus December. This puts us into January. I definitely couldn't afford a two week vacation in November only to turn around a month later and fly out to take that exam. And if I pass the exam, hopefully it won't be too long after that I get my license. I'm not willing to get another job here because I am unwilling to commit to another year here. So this means I will be moving and have to start looking for a massage job ASAP.

Now comes the question of where to live, and how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping to rent a room from a family M. knows over there. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll exchange house cleaning and babysitting for rent at least until I get on my feet. Mostly it's the financial aspect of everything that I find so overwhelming. I have things really good right now. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. And school is paid for. My expenses are just paying for car maintenance, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, and whatever else I might possibly need. The thought of being completely on my own is daunting. How am I supposed to make it 2700 miles away from home?

Stop Making Sense.

2011-07-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.

We are all Watching. We are all Watched.

2010-10-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Maybe you're not a lecherous youth pastor, a hypocritical abstinence counselor, or a thieving neighbor. But you are somthing. A backstabbing friend? An insecure bully of a father? An unfaithful husband? A resentful wife? What? Trot out your thoughts, every last one, no matter how tiny, no matter how fleeting, no matter how awful or pornographic. Project them on a screen for the viewing public. We'd have you pegged in a heartbeat-- just as you'd be able to peg us. A good author could even work with unhidden things, the things you're actually willing for the rest of us to see. Are you a whining fusser? Do you complain about the weather? Do you know how much work went into that weather system? Maybe you resent an obstacle, anything that makes your day longer or harder. You think you're underappreciated. You, with the way you think about everyone else around you (your mother, your siblings, coworkers, or even your spouse), feel undervalued. What exactly is your value? Would this planet miss you if you ceased to be? Would the human race falter?"

-Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson

Incomplete.

2010-08-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again when high school students dread going back to desks and homework. But for some, those who have entered into a new world, there is anticipation. What dorm will I be in? What will my roommate be like? Every fiber of there being buzzes with excitement. Maybe there are some nerves about how classes will be and being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. I for one have none of these feelings: I decided to take a year off. For awhile, I was relieved and happy with my decision, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone's leaving. I'm staying.

I can't believe I'm saying this . . . . I want to go back to school.

It feels like I'm missing out on so much. I need to do something. Do. Something. I can't just sit around for a year working and doing nothing. Why does it feel like I'm missing out on life?

It's Scary Out There.

2010-07-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

Graduating from high school was one of the best days of my life. But since that time, the high has worn off and reality has set in. I think I just expected life to be so great once I had freedom, but with freedom comes more responsibility. Right after finals, I went straight back to work; there really was no down time in between. June 10th rolled around, and I was off to Europe for two weeks on a school tour with the same people I'd just spend an entire school year with. Now I had to live with them . . . for two whole weeks. It honestly felt more like three months. The trip was fun, and I'm glad I got the chance to go to Europe, but I wish it would have been more of a vacation and cultural experience. I'm in the middle of sorting through all 1200 pictures.

I recovered from jet lag not at home in bed, but at work. Coffee has become my new best friend. Once back in the states, it dawned on me that I probably needed to get my college affairs in order. How the heck am I going to pay my way through college after a $4000 trip? My bank account is totally drained. I enrolled at a technical college. All I basically had to do was say, "Hi, my name is...." and I was accepted . . . only to find out that I was two months late in the registration process. Just my luck. The only three classes left were the Fundamentals of Massage 1, 2, 3. I signed up not really know what else to do, but I know I can't take those classes at the same time. I also can't wait a quarter and then begin the program in the winter.

I sat down with the parental figures to talk about church, setting up a budget, and dating. I want to start a budget, so I know how to handle money and prioritize what my money gets spent on. You can never learn how to do that soon enough. They mentioned that if I needed to, I could take a year off and just work. Immediately the pieces fell together. Why don't I just do that? So that's what I'm doing: I am taking a year off. It kinda gives me peace of mind, but it's weird to think that I won't be going to school when everyone else I know will be.

I just want a pause button right now to figure out how I got here. Where did my life go? I should have taken more time to enjoy my teenage years because I'm almost wishing I had them back.

Dragging out the Skeletons One More Time.

2010-04-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't talked about him (by him I mean my ex) since last year. But I think it's time for me to clear the air with you all. November 16th was the night he and I were forced a part. At first, I was so angry at everyone, and not because I was angry I wouldn't ever talked to him again, but because I felt so much shame for what I'd let happen. Losing him wasn't as hard to deal with as I thought. I now realize it's because I wasn't IN love with him. I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I'm going to be honest. I was always looking for a way out. As much as I wanted someone to love me and to love someone back, it wasn't him, yet I thought he was the only one I could get. November 16th gave me the chance to finally cut all ties and move on. Find someone new. Find a guy who won't pressure me into things. Find that one guys, who won't make me feel like I need to look for the exit sign.

I just want to let you all know that I am so happy that he is out of my life; I am so happy my parents knew what was better for me. I'm free.

I gave into some of the things P. wanted to do that I never wanted to do. I'm equally to blame because of it. But I finally realized that if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he wouldn't have pushed me so hard after I said we shouldn't do any of it anymore. He would have respected me and not put me in the situation that he did. He should have been a man and told me when I was going to far. I don't hate him. I can't stand being around him though. We need to be out of each other's life. We can't be friends, and I'm ok with that.

Don't allow a guy to walk all over you. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve, tell him to hit the road.

Tough Doesn't Cover It.

2010-04-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.

Getting into Character.

2010-03-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

The life of a senior leaves no time for blogging =/. The good news is two trimesters down; one to go. I cannot wait for June 3! Finals week was once again a serious killer, but I did what I could. One upside is once I'm done with school I'm going to Europe for two weeks. Bring on the cute Italian boys haha. I just have to make it through the next three months with a serious case of senioritis and a new love for cutting class. It also doesn't help that my mom had be try on my graduation gown. What I want to know it what drug addict thought up those hats.

But anywho, the real reason I'm on here now is something I've recently noticed about myself. Lately, my rhetoric teacher has been having us present a speech or poem or dramatic monologue every Friday so my class gets used to being in front of an audience. This is preparation for the senior thesis (an insane 10-13 page paper that we have to present in front of a large audience from a one page outline, and then answer questions from the judging panel). By far the best thing I've presented is The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe --my favorite poem. I really got into it. Well lately the comment has been made that I do a good job of getting into character. When I get up in front of the audience, I am no longer myself. And I like that.

I don't know why it's easier for me to pretend to be someone else, and I can't be myself. When I'm myself . . . it's just not enough. I'm too nervous just to be plan old me. March 6th my school had a talent show, I finally got the courage to sign up and perform. I sang A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, and my sister played the piano for me. The dress rehearsal was a complete disaster. I usually don't sing with a microphone, but this time I had to because the song was getting in the lower range for me. And because of choir, I'm usually holding a binder, so I had no idea what to do with my body. Pitiful, I know. So the day of the talent show, I gave myself a character to be, and the song was a smashing success after a few changes to the song.

I'm probably in need of a serious confidence boost. I'm afraid insecurity has gotten the better of me.

Oh, I saw Alice and Wonderland when it came on Friday, and I LOVED IT! Tim Burton is an absolute genius. The acting was amazing. I left the theater acutally wishing I could go to Wonderland....

The Hollow Men

2010-01-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

The Hollow Men

by T.S. Eliot

A penny for the Old guy

We are the Hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

Our Dried voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or rats' feet over broken glass

In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eye, to death's other Kingdom

Remember us-if at all-not as lost

Violent souls, but only

As the hollow men

The stuffed men

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams

In death's dream kingdom

These do not appear;

There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column

There, is a tree swinging

The voices are

In the wind's singing

More distant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death's dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed stave

In a field

Behaving as the wind behaves

No nearer-

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land

This is cactus land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man's hands

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

Walking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

Lips that would kiss

Form prayer to broken stone.

The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars

In this hollow valley

This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grop together and avoid speech

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The eyes reappear

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death's twilight kingdom

The only hope

Of empty men

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

Room for Another Knife and Another Mistake.

2009-12-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Can a girl make anymore mistakes? I thought we were supposed to learn from them, and maybe I have in a way --just not what I expected to learn. I made yet another stupid decision, which may or may not cost me everything: It's only a matter of time before I find that out. What I'm about to disclose happened almost two weeks ago, and I've been dealing with drama ever since.

One night I was baby sitting, and I texted this one guy commenting on his Christmas tree because I passed by his house on the way. I honestly can't say what happened really because I'm still trying to figure it out. Out of the blue he starts strongly hinting at kissing me. A day later it happens. I didn't expect it at all. In fact, I was kinda against it happening especially given where it was going to take place: At school. But we kissed, and it was the most interesting thing ever. Not good or bad just weird. Immediately afterward I felt a twinge of guilt and absolute surprise. The guilt was because it wasnt even a month since I had stopped talking to P., and here I was kissing someone else. The surprise was because I was the one who ended up giving this guy his first kiss.

A couple days later he kept pushing me about when we were going to kiss again. I don't like being forced into doing things. It was at the school Christmas concert that he demanded to do it. I said no. This is when things started to get out of hand. My younger sister saw the whole thing, and came up to me asking, "Did he just tell you he liked you?" I wasn't going to lie to her. She started crying when I said R and I were kinda involved. I rushed her out of the room to explain everything to her and how bad I felt for doing it. I had no idea she still liked him; I was under the impression she's moved on. But I promised I would call the whole thing off that night. I couldn't be involved with someone my sister liked.

"R., we can't do this anymore."

"Ok. That's kinda good actually. Can I ask why?"

"I think all you see me as is the girl you get to kiss and nothing more."

I wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why I was calling the whole thing off. But then the truth came out: He fessed up to using me. I can't say that I was surprised or hurt by this because I had this small feeling from the beginning that that is what he was up to. He felt really bad about it and apologized several times. It was over. . . or so I thought. The next day after I got homr from my house cleaning job, D., my sister's friend, calls. My sister wasn't home, so I ended up talking to D. for a little bit. Suddenly she askes, "It was you with R. wasn't it?" Again, I wasn't going to lie about it so I answered yes.

Flashing back to the night of the concert, when I got home, my brother came to talk to me. He said he saw the whole thing between me and R. and wanted to know what I was going on. I told him, but made sure he understood this stayed between us. The next day I find out he told someone. The guy he told luckily was a friend of mine too. He assured me he wasn't going to let the cat out of the bag, and I trusted him.

Saturday morning I wake up with a text from R saying he wanted to talk to me about something. He started asking me if I wanted to be the only girl he cared about because I liked me and wanted me to like him. What? I was....I was screwed. After some fancy foot work, I manage to hold him off and have us just be friends for a long while knowing he wouldn't stick around. Later I receive another text from him asking me if I told anyone because this girl found out and told him. This girl happened to like him not too long ago, but they both decided not to do anything. Now I'm trying to figure out who of the four people told T.

I start asking D., and she tells me it wasn't her. My sister asks her four times and gets to same answers. We're both very suspicious of her because D. doesn't have to best track record with keeping things a secret. I asked the other guy who knew: He promised I could trust him. R. then asked me to not talk to him very much. I thought that was really odd, but I didn't really care. I did, however, care that people were lying to me. D. admitted the next day she was the one who told T.

I thought it was all over, and I wouldn't have to worry about this whole situation again. Ha ha ha. On Monday, my sister told me that yet another person found out about what happened. The guy I thought I could trust told J., another girl with a notoriously big mouth. I wasn't mad just really hurt. Were people havng a contest to see how many knives they could stick in my back? I asked him why he would betray my trust like that. He insisted I could trust her because she was his best friend, and she knows everything about him. That still doesn't give him reason to tell her something that isn't even about him.

If she tells, this is only going to get worse. If it spreads around my school, there is a chance R and I could get suspended. Plus, coupled with the other previous really stupid thing I did with P., my life would be over. Not that I probably don't deserve it.

What I've learned from my mistake is that I should say 'no' a whole lot more, and I can't trust anyone.

A Little Bit of Everything.

2009-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Time to start counting down the days to Christmas Break. I'm definitely not ready to go back to school tommorow, but who ever really is? I spent all day today decorating other people's houses. Fake trees really aren't that bad. Putting lights on, however, is bad. I get to look forward to putting the lights on my own tree some time tonight. Is it just me or does everyone seem to have to by new lights every year? I was pulling out all the lights from last year, and two were completely dead. One was working, and only half the lights on the rest worked. Ugh.

Now I'm the kind of person who refuses to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. It just seems that everyone is so anxious for Christmas that they forget about Thanksgiving. But now I'm in full Christmas music mode: I've been listening and singing them all day. My favorite by far is Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt; A close second is Baby, It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone.

Random change of subject...

This weekend is Protocol! I bought myself the perfect dress, picked out the perfect hairstyle, and found the perfect accessories. I just have to find shoes now. I'm still a little nervous about who my escort will be because letme tell you most of the guys aren't the creme of the crop. I'm determined to enjoy myself none the less. It's my senior year for heaven's sake. I can't wait to post pictures!

_________________________________

Moving on...it's hard. And now that my youth pastor has stopped emailing me (he never ended up calling me again like he said), I feel sorta abandoned. I really wish I could read minds just so I knew how things with P. really are.

A Kiss Good Bye.

2009-11-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

I won't go into detail, but me and my boy did something stupid. Sure most would not think meeting up with your boyfriend isn't a punishable offense, but think again when you're going it without parental consent. From my last post you all know I'm not allowed to talk to him via cell phone... well that rule was broken after a week. Anyways we made plans, and I'm kicking myself now for not going with my gut feeling and said no to meeting.

Later that night (this happened Monday), my dad got a call form P's dad asking if we could come over to talk about something. From a previous conversation, I knew that P had to tell my dad we'd kissed before, so I was under the impression that was what the meeting was about. I was wrong. P's parents found out that we had met earlier that morning. Can you say 'oh shit?' My youth pastor was invited to come to the meeting as well, which was really bad for reasons I won't get into. After apologizing to everyone and their dog, the verdict was announced: P and I aren't allowed to be friends. P was quick to agree to it, so there was not much else I could do.

I kept it together all the way through the meeting; even though, I was really embarrassed, and all the way home. Once I made it inside, I broke. Luckily was older sister S was there to ask what was wrong. I told her everything that had happened that night. She told me that I had to be absolutely sure this guy was the right guy, because otherwise he won't be worth waiting 2+ years for. But she told me what I should really do is just move on, which is what I've decided to do. If I want to make it through the next couple years, I can't have this empty feeling, and be depressed, and miss him constantly. If we're not allowed to be friends, why should I wait around? Of course, this does not mean I'm going out to find a new guy. Hell no.

Since I decided that, I haven't missed him or had the urge to talk to him somehow. I'm pretty happy considering what's happened. The day after was a little hard when my mom was all passive aggressive with me. I get the the trust between me and my parents is broken, but they'll get over it one day. Now all I want is for them to stop bringing it up so I can really move on.

Today my Greek teacher, who happens to be my pastor, called me out of class half way through to talk to me about it. He wants me to write a letter of apology to P for the part I played --I agree with that. He also wants me to feel free to talk to him about it. I don't think so. He let me know that all the elders know about what happened; I thought about this as I walked into physics and remembered the teacher is an elder. Wonderful. Then I get home and I get this email from my youth pastor asking my how I am and that he thought I handled everything well. The urge to say "F U" crossed my mind, but then I thought, "Oh if you think that was mature, watch me not respond to you." It's like thank you all for your concern, but I just want to move on and forget anything ever happened.

Back to Square One.

2009-11-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

Life was good, exciting, passionate. I was finally busy with school --still am. The last couple months have been better than I could have imaged all because of a boy. It happens to be my ex, and after two years I finally realized he's been there all along waiting for me to notice. But here I am once more telling you how bad things have gotten.

My boy and I are madly in love; it's as simple as that. I've been against the whole idea of getting married until now, and I've found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've even talked about it. And why is that so bad you may ask. The thing is we never really told our parents until a week ago. I don't know how many of you are familiar with courting, but it's the type of thing my religion advocates over recreational dating. Courting implies you go to the girl's dad first and ask permission to start pursue his daughter. We kinda skipped that step.

Through a certain event his parents found out. Not good. A meeting was set up between my dad, my boy, and his dad. My dad said yes to the relationship, but both dads wanted to slow things way down. Basically that means put the whole thing on pause for the next two or three years. There is to be no touching. No texting or callling each other. And even thought the parents won't admit it, no hanging out either (even in a group).

This past week has been one of the hardest. Separation isn't an easy thing. He's my best friend too, and now I can't even talk to him about anything that's going on. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel so empty.

Life was looking up --it's about to get worse.

Get Out.

2009-09-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

It was an emotional evening, and that's putting it lightly. Tempers flared, tears poured, and all hell broke loose. My sister S., made yet another mistake. She told my parents about it, but was avoiding coming home. Things escalated when my dad couldn't get her to call him. My dad had my mom text her and had me text her. Being the middle child, I always end up being the middle man. The person people communicate through. You know the saying "don't shoot the messenger?" Well I got shot a lot last night. S. finally decided to come home so she could sit down and talk with my dad, so it looked like that worst was over.

Then I got called up. I sat down with my dad, and he asked the question, "If your child was going down a path of destruction, what would you do?" I didn't have an answer. "Someone as smart as you should be able to figure out an answer." I hate it when he says that. Just because I may be smart when it comes to school doesn't mean I have an answer for everything in life. I honestly had no clue what I would have done in that situation, and I don't want to know.

It seemed like everything was fine. M, S, and I all sat in my room talk about theology of all things. We were having a good time too until my dad came down and told us all to go to bed (it was really late). M left right away, but S and I chatted a little more. My mom came in to the room and demanded S and I pack our bags a get out of the house. We were shocked. Surprised. Befuddled. What the hell was going on now? My mom went on to say that my dad was leaving the house because of what was going on, and instead of him leaving it should be us. Sarah started putting up a fight. I, on the other hand, looked at her and told her, "Fine, let's leave." I knew we didn't have anywhere to go, but that didn't matter.

Finally my dad came downstairs. We were able to patch things up enough for S and I to be able to stay. He confessed that it was all his fault. He assumed that S, M, and I were all talking about him. Never assume anything. He couldn't have been more wrong. I'm hurt by this: It's not the first time I've been kicked out of the house.

I know I'm supposed to move on, but it's really hard to forgive and forget.

Maybe the third time will be the charm.

Hesitant Reunion.

2009-08-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

I recieved a message this week --a rather unexpected message. "Anyone feeling old enough to call a reunion?" It was sent by a girl, who I went to school with for five years. When she left in seventh grade, she wrote me a lengthy letter letting me know she no longer wanted to be friends with me and not to try to keep in touch with her. Sometime during this past school year, she found me on facebook. We chatted once just after we added each other, and zip nada zilch after that.

This message was sent to some of the few people who comprised our fourth grade class. Why she wants a fourth grade class reunion I will never know. But hers the thing, most of the people who are invited left the school hating my guts. What can I say? I'm a very blunt and honest person --maybe even a tad hot-headed--, so rubbing people the wrong way was inevitable. I haven't talked to anyone who left well . . . since they left.

I have to admit I'm a little intrigued by this: Why not show off what you've got now? You're different. No one's seen you in years. Of course, I have to realize I'm still stuck at the school they've left, and what makes me think any of them have changed what they felt about me?

At first, no one responded to the message, so I thought I was in the clear. *Phew* No one wants to see each other. But now there've been a couple responses, and (what do you know) they're all for it. Except you get the nice little comments such as "I've been doing my best to block it out." The girl saying that means her years at my school.

Belle of the Ball

2009-08-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I wanted to get away from talking about guys and love and all that jazz for a moment.

It seems like not to long ago I was telling you all about my fabulous Black Tie Affair. I'm already prepping for it again. This time it's going to be in December, so we can all see A White Christmas. I wanted to get a Maggie Sottero dress, but I missed out on my chance. Thankfully there are plenty of other option out there. This year money is not the issue. It's my senior year, so I feel like I should go big or go home. I've always taken the last minute route when it's come to previous, so this year I'm going to take a different approach.

I called a bridal boutique this morning hoping to track down my dream dress, which I have come to learn is now discontinued to make way for the new 2010 prom collection. The lady speaking to me looked up the dress I originally wanted and offered an alternative. So off I went looking at all the new possibilities.

Here are the links to the dresses I'm interested in. I would love to get as much feedback as possible before I order one.

http://www.foreverbridals.com/gownpix.asp?Style=99111
http://www.foreverbridals.com/gownpix.asp?Style=99112
http://www.foreverbridals.com/gownpix.asp?Style=99121

Never Again?

2009-08-10T18:31:00.001-07:00

It's an odd feeling: I almost don't know how to begin to describe it. Your breath catches; you look around anxiously; your skin begins to crawl. This uncomfortable feeling that overwhelms you and sits between your shoulder blades --a constant reminder. A reminder of how much you never wanted to be in this situation, but here you are. The same situation, the same feeling, the same longing to run away and forget all about. Why are you here again? You should have known better... Now everything is going to be awkward. If only I'd just said no when I had the chance.

As we dance between the thin line of frienda and more than friends, it only becomes clearer to me that I can never ever be the same with him again. His touch is all too familiar, and I still want to jump out of my skin (I don't mean that in a good way). I can't speak up though. I can't say stop or back off or please don't touch me like that. I can't make it clear to him that I don't want to be with him.

I don't know why I promised to hold his hand just to get him to come down to see me, but I wasn't about to not keep my promise. That just opened the flood gate. After that I couldn't get him to stop trying to hold my hand or put his around around my shoulder. I kept wondering what the people in the mall must have thought or do they even notice my rigid walk as the tall blond next to me pulls me closer? Apparently he didn't pay attention to the "f*** off" sign being raised over my forehead.

I was happy to get into the movie theater, so we could just sit and watch a movie. I don't think he really paid any attention to the movie. Did I have to break his arm to keep it off of me? He played with my hand and would not shut up. I demanded to be taken home after the movie was over --I demanded nicely of course. Once I got home, I was almost tempted to rip the long stem red rose he gave me to piece: That might have made me feel better. Friends don't give other friends long stem red roses.

The next day I told him no more. I didn't want to hang out with him for a very particular reason, and he agreed. He claimed that once he turns eighteen things will be different. No, things wont be different. He'll be able to do and get whatever he wants. I'd love to see you try. You're in for a pleasent surprise. Once he's eighteen, he thinks we'll be able to be a couple. Woah there. I think you might have slipped and smacked your head on the pavement. I never said yes to that, and I don't plan on saying yes.

Screams

Stop it. Just stop it.

But I suppose this little dance we do will continue for awhile longer.

Is It So Bad?

2009-07-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

They say the only thing harder than being in love is being alone.

I’ve thought about this, and I agree and disagree with that statement. I think it varies from person to person. Not everyone is going to take single-life so hard, and some people are going to take being in love like it was the most natural thing ever. There are always two sides to every story. Why does it have to be painful either way: It’s all a matter of point of view.

I think the statement above rings truer with women (not really sure how a guy would take it).

I’ve been around women who are freaking out because they’re thirty and still single. The problem is they don’t try to go meet single guys; they just sit around and hang out with married couples. Great way to meet Mr. Right. But maybe I’m being a little too hard on them. It must be hard watching all of your friends fall in love and walk down the aisle; every year that passes adds to the growing despair. Alone.

Looking at my own personal life, I thought I found love in the eyes of a then sixteen year old boy. Those five months were the best I’ve ever had, and I don’t regret a second of it. I got passed my whole commitment issue: I really did love this boy. Once it was over, I slowly moved on. Of course, it took a lot of distractions to do so. Sometimes I find myself wanting a boy to love, and other times I find myself praying for a lifetime of singlehood.

Maybe in the end both are bittersweet. Perhaps it will be a age-old mystery.

I guess I’m just an adultolescent who’s grabbing in the darkness for the answer. Is it so bad to be in love? Is it so bad to be alone?

Broken Once Again.

2009-07-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

I got my answer, and I didn’t even have to ask. You all may remember the content of my past post Why Worry?; well now I can tell you how it all ends. I decided not to ask J. if he liked me or not. Instead, I went to my dad and informed him that I was interested in J. Of course, my dad already suspected as much. My dad advised me not to do anything about it right now because we are both still young, and J is going off to college.

I thought that made sense, so I did nothing. I hadn’t seen J. for the past couple weeks: I’ve been working, and he’s been on multiple trips. Last Friday (T and J were throwing a grad party) was the first time I’d seen any of my friends in a while. Later on in the evening, J started to be touchy-feely with me –not to say I didn’t like that. He had his arm around me frequently, and I knew he had to like me.

I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing, yet everyone was still cautioning me not to get my hopes up or thinking too much about it. They were right. This morning J came up to me and told me he felt bad about being all touchy-feely with me. “I just want to be friends.”

Anger. Embarrassment. Disappointment. Sadness. Rejection. How could I be so blind? I’m a little mad if he was leading me on the whole time. I’m kicking myself for even beginning to hope that he was different. That I thought something great could come from liking him. But here I sit; hurt all over again. Now I’m glad I don’t see him often, and it’ll be easy to avoid him until he leaves. I won’t have to look into his eyes or feel him wrap his arms around me again. I don't understand why he didn't say anything sooner; this had been an ongoing occurrence.

To top it all off, I might be crazy enough to declare a vow of chastity. We’ll see.

My Turn.

2009-07-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Death, it’s everywhere we look. It’s all over the news: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, etc. Those are just the celebrities. There are countless other deaths that are not plastered all over the news and internet. I’ll admit, I’m a little tired of hearing about all of the celebrity deaths.

My grandma’s uncle is dying from cancer right now.

At the end of June, I received news that K’s (do you remember him?) dad passed away. I don’t really know all the details –I was too afraid to ask when I talked to K the day after it happened.

There’s a guy I work with, and his grandson is dying. It’s one of the most tragic stories I’ve heard. Every time he updates us, I want to cry, and I don’t even know his grandson. The story: He (the grandson) was with his friends smoking weed. He decided to take heroine. He took so much that he passed out. The doctors estimate that he had been unconscious for 48 hours before his friends called 911.

R’s grandson is 20 years old and very bright. He been struggling with a drug addiction for the past eight years and tried to kill himself nine times. Before he shot up on heroine, he’d been dry for six or eight months. When you’re addicted to something, all it takes is one more drink, one more puff, or one more injection, and that’s it. It’s over.

He never regained consciousness, but he did react to pain stimuli –not that that shows any sign of brain activity. The doctors took three days to see if they could get his internal organs working again. Then the parents were faced with a horrifying decision: Whether or not to take their son off life support. A choice between life or death. The doctors stepped in and delivered the ultimatum for them. Their son was taken off life support. If he did miraculous recover and come out of the coma, more than likely he’d be a vegetable for the rest of his life. But the organ and brain damage alone were signs that he wasn’t going to make it out of this alive. The doctors took all the tubes out of him except for the breathing tube. That was to be kept in until all the family could say good bye to him. After that is taken out, he might have about ten days to live.

Everywhere I look someone dies. I wonder when it’s my turn.

Releasing the Demon.

2009-07-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever made a resolution and go to bed all set on making it happen then wake up the next day and wonder why you even thought of making that change? It’s like waking up erases it all. Last night was just a moment of weakness or something. I don’t need to do anything.
That’s what it’s like for me on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been struggling with the idea of opening up to my parents. They know me more then I give them credit for: They pick up on things that I don’t even tell friends. They can look into my eyes and see straight through me. They know. But I still try to hide. My dad came to me one night a couple weeks ago and told me he was hurt by some of the bitter joking. I had just found out about some software he had put on the computer that allowed him to see every site we went on. I thought that was an invasion of privacy –A parent should know, but my dad had gone too far. So the anger of knowing came out in my joking.

While we were chatting about the software –his intentions were not to track what I was doing—, he said I shouldn’t have this secret life. A life I felt the need to hide from him. I don’t really have a secret life, just a life they don’t really understand fully. There are things I really don’t want to share with them, which is just about everything. He told me that I had a demon (not like a possession or something weird) inside of me, and that he spent a lot of time in the past years really worried about me.

Sometimes I want to grant him the father-daughter relationship he truly wants. I really thought I could make that happen this time. I woke up.

I go to work now four days a week and I live with my grandparents those four days. I’m not at home a lot anymore, so I stopped feeling the need to talk about be open with my dad. I keep putting up this wall and tell myself it’s ok not to talk to them. The scary part is I think I don’t want to.

But I did.

Time Runs Out.

2009-07-05T01:21:00.000-07:00

Tick tock

We finally put ourselves out there –out in the open: Exposed to the point of no return. We forget about all the risks; about all the things that could potentially go wrong. We forget there is a thing called hurt. Everything seems fine and dandy for the moment. For once, happiness isn’t some intangible idea; something thought about, dreamed of, or philosophized. Nothing can go wrong, but then it does.

Tick tock

There could be several ways things spiral out of control: A fight that can’t be taken back, betrayal, feelings that just keep getting in the way, someone hurts you beyond mending, etc. What happens now? This is where the lines blur. Some people bounce right back as if nothing had ever gone wrong. With just a blink of an eye, they’ve moved on. There are some who try to fix whatever happened; who knows if it’s a successful attempt or not. Some use it as a lesson: Another chapter filed away in their Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide to life. Others have no clue what to do. The pain stays under the surface, only coming out in private. There’s a thin sheet of protection that goes over the pain: It serves as a buffer between the pain and everything else.

Tick tock

The sheet of protection appears to be strong, but it’s only a matter of time before something punctures it. Like magma erupting from a volcano, the pain has nowhere to go except burst through that hole. The mess that was supposed to be covered up ends up becoming worse because it was never taken care of. Life shatters around us as if it were made of glass.

Tick tock

Who knows how much time we have left before our protection is broken. It doesn’t matter how many walls we put up: They’re all going to come crashing down. There’s no way to escape it. How much time is left? The walls are crumbling at the foundation. The disguises are becoming transparent. The hurt is about to explode. How much time is left?

Tick tock

Goals.

2009-06-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

I hear this over and over again, "What are your goals for the summer." I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish, and finally some things start coming to mind.

Be more open with my parents (toughest by far).
Have a Thesis topic by the end of the summer with good sources.
Try to get my life in order.
Find someone I'm not afraid to talk to if all else fails with my parents.
At least place once at a competition.
Get my license.
Work at least seven days a week.
Follow up to the previous one: Find as much time as possible to spend with friends
Figure out what the heck is up with J. before he leaves.

Those are just a couple that I came up with; I'm sure there will be more as the summer progresses. Who knows if I'll be able to accomplish them all by the end of summer, but I'm willing to give it my best.

What are your goals this summer?

Why Worry?

2009-06-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'll touch on this subject once again: Guys and those pesky, yet lovable things called relationships. The more I think about them, the more the question 'why worry?' flashes across my mind. We spend so much time worrying over guys, which ones like us, which ones don't, or who's cute or not. We get so caught up in thinking about having a relationship. Trust me, I sound critical, but I'm one of those girls who has one to many romantic ideals. Every romantic movie I see or book I read just makes me want to find someone special that much more, which makes me worry that much more.

Does he like me? Maybe I'm misreading the signals. Are there any signals? Once again I am swept away by a guy; he was in the play with me this year, and I really spent a lot of time with him. It kind of made attraction inevitable. Of course, I thought he only considered me as a friend or at least I thought so until the beginning of summer. I went to a party at a friend's house to burn a bunch of school papers we no longer wanted. He was at the party. Instantly he was at my side and put his arm around my waist, even though, there we were standing in a group. When we all went out to the fire, he did the same thing. We just stood there holding each other by the waist. He was the one who dropped my sister and I off at home, but not without hugging me twice before I went inside. I asked my sister if she thought he liked me: She said no.

Since then it's been the same sort of situation: Instead of hugging me, he holds me (multiple times I might add). If we're in a group, he often moves to stand next to me. Then there are the times were he holds me by the waist. I really want to say he likes me, yet I'm hesitant to make the assumption. It obvious to everyone else and their dogs that I like him. Does he realize that? I asked my older sister what she thought. After hearing what's been going on, she said J. was just a touchy-feely guy, so it might not be anything. After discussing the subject with B. (a girl in his class), she said he's never really done that with any other girl. Well this is confusing.

I'm waiting for him to say something. At the same time, I'm realizing he might not say anything. He's leaving for college at the end of the summer, and there are other things that complicate the matter. I won't go into detail. Knowing this, I shouldn't get all worried. Right?

18 Year Old Rebellion.

2009-06-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

I didn't want things to get to this point so soon. In the words of my dad, "You're in a funk. What's wrong?" I paste a smile on my face and assure him that I'm just fine. No need to worry. Or is there? I've been really angry lately: Angry at everyone. Mostly at my parents though. It all started with me wanting to wear a pair of shorts; my dad almost had a heart attack when I was about to walk out of the house. This is when I discovered that having long legs are, in fact, a curse. So it looks like I'll be wearing jeans all summer. I'm just waiting for them to finally decide that skinny jeans are no longer appropriate attire as well. I don't see what the issue is; it's not like I'm going out of the house looking like a total slut or something. But my dad's reason is, "I'm doing this to protect you and your reputation." Eventually I'm might accept that. I know he probably means well.

Since then it's been a constant battle with everyone --or just my family. I miss being around everyone: I don't want to sit at home and just hang around the family. At the end of school, I thought it would be great not to have to see anyone until September. Wrong. The first week of summer break I spent everyday with friends from school. Now I'm look ahead thinking this is the only month I have to hang out with everyone. Starting in the middle of July, I'm moving in with my grandparents because of I job I got. I'll maybe come home on weekends. That really depends on whether or not I get a part time job at this kennel my sister works at. It already feels like I have to say good bye to everyone, and summer is ending.

Am I in a funk? Definitely yes.

Why am I angry? I really have no clue. I don't know. Is it possible to just be angry --to be sad for no reason? I think I'm using most of what I said at the beginning of this blog as an excuse, or using it as fuel for a fire that was already there. I've got to get over this somehow because it's now ruining the good start to my summer.

__________________________________

That was me a couple days ago. I've forgotten how bad my mood swings can be; now I'm happy and up beat and loving most everything. One thing I realized after I snapped out of my funk is how overrated 18 year old rebellion is. Do we expect anything to be accomplished by it? If you do, I'm sorry to say nothing ever is accomplished by being rebellious --at any age really.

My dad recently told me a story about this girl, who was angry at her parents because they wouldn't let her go out late at night. She went to her friend's house hoping to stay the night, but her friend's mother told the girl to go back home and, basically, obey her parents. The girl left her friends house with no intention of going home. In the neighborhood, she ran into the wrong guy: The girl ended up dead. Yes, this doesn't happen every time we're rebellious, but this is the exact thing our parents are trying to protect us from. So my not being able to wear shorts is probably one of the best things my parents can do for me.

This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time, but this doesn't mean I'm going to be the perfect kid in the meantime. I still have a long way to go, and I'm ready to work at changing. If I want to be considered and treated like an adult, I'm going to have to act maturely. Rebellion only shows your parents and the people around that you actually immature.

Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.

2009-06-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

Art is how I escape. When I'm sketching, I'm in my own reality and creating a story behind the pictures. Lately, I've been trying to escape as often as I can. Anime is not the only thing I like to draw, but right now it's one of my favorites: It's different. The eyes are a whole heck of a lot easier to draw than human eyes haha. Someone recently asked me what my favorite thing about drawing was. I told him my favorite part was when I was beginning to shade in whatever I'm drawing. In the beginning stage most of the drawing is still white with only (let's say) the clothes shaded in. It looks as if the picture is slowly coming to life.Most of these pictures take me about a week to a day to finish; it really depends on how long I can go without being disturbed. The one above was my first anime drawing, and it took my a day to finish. I'll probably switch things upon later one this summer and draw some more complicated subjects. I think it was last summer that I printed out these amazing pictures of the Seven Deadly Sins, so I think I will actually try to finish them all this summer.

My dad wanted me to draw him something for his office, but I can hardly imagine this hanging on his wall. I chose this one to give to him because it reminded me of myself and two other sisters. Starting from left to right, me, M., and S. The eldest is not pictured, but the last picture kinda reminds me of her. Each of the girls reminds me of our different personalities. The joke would be that we're all in uniform.

Don't worry this one is supposed to be upside down. You all should try this sometime: Take a picture and draw it upside down. Of course, you'll have t leave it that way because the picture will look wrong if you flip it right side up. I have to give credit to Mrs. H. She taught me how to sketch in 9th grade. Since then I haven't had an art class, which is why I stick to pencil instead of color. But I wouldn't mind becoming somewhat of a Jackson Pollock; although, I don't know how people would respond to more paintings like that. I might try that this summer too; it would be fun.

How Will You Be Remembered?

2009-06-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

I don't mean after you die, but more after you leave high school. This is the summer of my Senior year, and I have to face all sorts of questions. The biggest one is: How will I be remembered? I have some big shoes to fill thanks to the Class of 2009. I love them to death and wish they weren't leaving, and, yet, I'm eager to take my place as a Senior. Not only am I eager, but I'm also scared. A lot of change has to take place over the summer. I have to abandon my "Loner" status. I can't sit back passively and watch my Senior year go by without leaving my mark.

I now have to get to know everyone in the secondary. This means the annoying sevies and wedgies. I can't stand junior high immaturity, so we'll see how this goes. I have to get outside of my comfort zone and be a leader. It has pissed me off so much that M. (a girl in my class) has gotten all the attention. She's the go-to-girl. To be honest, no one really notices what I notice: Her whole show is somewhat fake. Now I didn't come on here to disrespect a classmate, but to tell you what I'm up against. I'm the scary, silent type. You see me walk down the halls, and I don't have a smile plastered to my face. When my face is relaxed, I look like I'm about to kill people. I can't really help that one. But that's what people assume: That I'm mad at everyone. They don't know me. So this summer is a perfect time to let the secondary get to know the real LonelyHeart. Well --they'll know me to a certain extent. No one really knows me. Not even M., who's known me for the past ten years.

But I don't want this year to be a big rivalry between M. and I. I don't want it to be that way; although, to some extent she's already made it that way. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
My second concern is the Junior class --my sister's class. I'm not really concerned about her, but more three other girls in that class. They're the ones who will try to take over the Senior position, and that can't happen.

I'm just nervous about so much changing, and so quickly too. I have to do a complete 180 if this next school year is going to be my year. I'm excited and scared. Part of me says, "Bring it on," and part of me says,"Holy crap! What am I getting in to?" It all comes down to how do I want to be remembered. I want to be remembered as someone who was fun to hang out with, but someone you could turn to for anything. I don't want to be that person who people feel was just putting on a show: I don't want to be fake. I want other students to look at me and say that they were glad they knew me; that somehow I changed they're lives a little bit. I want so much from my Senior year.

How do I get it all done?

I'll Just Keep Things To Myself.

2009-05-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but does it make you mad when your own siblings go through your stuff and think they can take whatever they want without asking? I'll admit I've had times where I've done that. Now I know just how annoying it can be. I've ignored this stealing ever since my older sister moved back in a couple months ago. But yesterday I decided no more. I'm not just going to stand there while she goes through my closet when I leave or when I find my undergarments in her stuff. She has more clothes then I will ever own, and yet she thinks she needs my stuff too.

So I got angry when I saw she took one of my swimsuits without asking. And of course her thinking is I can't be mad at her for stealing stuff, but she can get mad at me if I wear something of hers. And the stuff I wear that she owns are mostly just white camis. I stay away from all of her expensive Ed Hardy stuff. Well that didn't put my in a good mood for the cast party last night. When I got home, I wanted to get the whole thing off my chest. I starting texting P. (not the one from TN) thinking he would be there for me.

I was wrong. Instead he's telling me he'll give me a hug if I'm nice to S. I said no thank you. Then he tells me to kill him first if I ever go crazy. By then I was pissed off. Is this how he expected to help me? He was being inconsiderate: I was finally opening up to him like he always wanted me to, and this is what I get. Next he wanted me to sneak out and meet him. NO! I just said he was out of his mind, and good night.

I tried. I really wanted someone I could talk to about what I hide inside. It looks like that will never happen. I think it's just better if I keep things to myself from now on. It just works better that way. He was feeling things that I don't know if I felt. I mean things that go past the realm of just being friends. Is it time to just grow apart? Or just try to salvage what we still have? It's kind wierd how something so simple can lead to something this complicated. Either way I choose is going to be heard. Can I handle it.

This is the Oldest I've Ever Been.

2009-05-26T05:47:00.001-07:00

Today's the day: The day I turn 18. Hello adulthood, or at least I think. Do I feel any older? No. Am I supposed to? I'm not so sure. But this past weekend has been absolutely fabulous. At a school thing, I got surprised with a cake, a giant cookie, and a balloon. Everyone started singing happy birthday, and I didn't get who they were singing to until they said my name. Another surprise that night was P. He finally texted me again. Apparently his phone got run over too.

The next day, I spent cramming for finals, and then it was off to see a play with my dance teacher, M., and J. The play was amazing! I couldn't have asked for a better evening. We went out to dinner before the play, and I tried calamari for the first time. It was actually really good.

Memorial Day was devoted to finals. I still don't feel prepared, and now I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed with how much I still have to study. I have my English and Math finals today, and to top it all off I got zero hours of sleep last night. I couldn't sleep, but got kinda sleepy, and then was wide awake. I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30 to take a shower. I'm not in for a very good day. And what better way to spend your birthday then at school taking hour and a half long tests that could potentially make or break your grade. Just perfect. On the bright side, I just have to make it through two more days.

Well once school is out I'm hoping to blog a lot more. Sorry for not posting in such a long time.

Where Do I Begin?

2009-05-09T18:08:00.001-07:00

A little over a week ago my sister came up to visit for the first time in a year. I had some worries that she would get her, and I would see her, and things wouldn't be the same. I was also sad that once she arrived, I only got to see her for an evening, then I was being whisked away to Regionals in a different state. I didn't know if that was evening was the only time I was going to have with me sister. I waited up until almost midnight just to spend at least an hour with her. I heard her voice from my room, and ran up to see her. It was as if she had never left.

She was so gorgeous even after a long flight. She couldn't get over how tall C. was getting, and how deeps his voice had gotten. To her, it was just yesterday he was barely up to her shoulders and still had a high voice. After some catching up, we broke out the pie, and started talking about stuff that she remembered from the last time she was here. I practically had to drag her downstairs to show her pictures from the play, so I could at least get some sleep that night.

Regionals:

I left Friday with mt dance teacher and another dancer. On the way down, we listened to Sundays at Tiffany's, which is insanely interesting, and I was very sad I didn't get to finish it. We got to our hotel, and K. left for a meeting, so M. and I were on our own for dinner. I was doing really well at keeping myself calm; whereas, M. was already flipping out about the competition on Saturday. Once J got to the hotel, we all decided to go dip our feet in the hot tube. We all just laid there dangling out feet in the relaxing warn water. Pictures were taken of this, and I ended up falling asleep.

I woke up still feeling calm: I got ready and went down to breakfast. I managed to eat at least half of what I got, but then the nerves started hitting me a little bit. I wasn't competing until one, so I didn't know what the deal was. My whole family called to wish me good luck, and that made me really happy. I had already prepared myself mentally for not placing: My class was, without a doubt, the toughest group to compete with. I had to dance up with the 18 and Over class because I turned 18 before June 1st. So we're talking about me, a newbie, competing against twelve other talented dancers, who have all been to Nationals before, and some have even gone on to win at the Championship. I was taking this competition as a learning experience. Not mention I was sick, and that wasn't a great thing to throw into the mix.

I gave it my all, and sometimes your all just isn't good enough. The one thing that made up for it all was this: I had just finished the Reel and was getting myself ready to fill-in for another one. I was waiting backstage when two other dancers come running back and start taking their numbers off. Something was wrong on stage, but I had no idea what. Through a rush of events, I ended up rushing on stage to bail out another dancer, who couldn't breath. I made sure she was ok once I got offstage again. Turns out she had a cold too.

I sat there and cheered on three of the girls I danced with who got awards. Two of those girls are going to Nationals. I was SO happy for them. I thought is was better to be happy for everyone else, then to sit there and cry about how bad I did. It's not my time to go to Nationals yet. Someday --- someday I'll make it.

Back home:

Monday night I finally got to see my sister again and her friend T., who I hadn't seen since last year February. We watched Bride Wars and The Duchess (which is no one of my favorite movies). S. almost ruined the whole night with her bitchy attitude. The next morning I said good bye to my sister because I wouldn't get to see her again before she left.

Coming to the present, I've been pretty sick since Wednesday when I got a horrible migraine, which triggered the nausea that never went away. I woke up Thursday, and couldn't even move: My whole body hurt. After sleeping in till one, I felt a little better, but couldn't stand for long periods of time. This was really bad considering I had a school concert that night, and I was singing a solo. The good news is I toughed things out, made it through the concert, and sang my solo. No one even new I was feeling nauseated.

The Duke - MakeBelieve

2009-04-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

(The Duke and Dauphin)

The play was simply spectacular: I'm so happy I decided to try out for it. The cast became my second family, and I'm going to miss spending hours with them after school every day. It's been a long journey, but a rewarding one. The play could not have gone better. Three of the performances were completely sold out. This kinda raised the stakes though.

I had one nervous break down the day before opening night. During the one of the songs, I have to jump off of a flat that is four feet into the air. Did I mention there are four of us on that flat? Plus, we're jumping over someone who is pretending to be asleep. I wanted to practice jumping off before we did a run through, but I couldn't do it. I just stood up there freaking myself out. I had K come up and jump with me, and even then I couldn't do it. Then J. came and kinda gave me a pep talk. The three of us were supposed to jump off together, but, once again, I couldn't jump off. By this time I was so nervous about not being able to do this simple thing once the time came. Eventually my director came over and was going to help me jump off; I fell apart. I ran off stage crying. I felt very embarrassed. My director found me and offered an alternative instead of jumping, but I wasn't ready to take the easy way out. The good news is I jumped off for every performance.

I loved being the Duke; even though, it meant I had to be a man. The makeup artist had fun trying to make me look more manly, and when she was finished she would say, "You look so pretty...I mean handsome." I couldn't take myself seriously in the makeup until I put on the costume. The side burns were hilarious though, and ripping them off was even better. I even dyed my hair to match them. I didn't know how great it was to be somebody different on stage. Once I was on stage it wasn't me who was acting: I was the Duke.

The cast had so much fun back stage. We would mouth the words to every song and dance if we knew the choreography. Of course, then there were the numerous "dance parties" we had while getting our makeup done. Did I mention how many inside jokes we started? I would share, but I'm afraid none of you would get them haha.

Some of the time E. and I had to pretend to have conversations until our lines came, so we would start talking about what we were going to do once we bought the pixie dust, and how we were going to steal Billy's watch, then it turned into us mouthing, "Watermelon jello chocolate peanut butter." One of us would respond, "No not the chocolate. I can't eat that." Both of us are lactards.

(product of one of the inside jokes)

(We're home!)

(Stroking the facial hair)

After the last performance, the guys take down the set, and the girls take care of the costumes. While the guys were still working, a bunch of us stood around talking and having a great time joking around. I think at one point we all broke out into the hokey-pokey. Of course, by then it was midnight. I met one of J's friends, Stevie (I'll use his nickname because it's nowhere near his actual name). We actually hit it off and spent most of the night talking. I drove with him to the school and then to Denny's. At Denny's, I crashed: The endorphins completely wore off, and I wanted to go to sleep so bad. But then the food came, so that made everything all better. Who knew breakfast at 2 a.m. could taste so good? Stevie came over to sit with me; I ditched him shortly after we got to Denny's to go sit with my sister. Well I wouldn't say ditched: I was sharing food with my sister, and I hate eating in front of people especially guys. Around 3 we all decided it was time to go home. Hugs and good byes were exchanged (multiple times I might add), and then T. drove my sister and I home. I almost fell asleep in the car.

So now I find myself having MakeBelieve withdrawals and talking about group therapy with the cast. It's hard to believe the sort of attachment and bond that forms during rehearsals. All the years I wasn't in the play, I hated everyone who was in it. The reason for that was mostly because they had what I wanted. They were a family and had so much fun together. This year I finally got the chance to be apart of that, and I loved every minute. I got to know the cast so well and developed friendships I never thought possible. It also gave me a chance to show them a side of me that no one has ever seen before. I just wish it wasn't over yet.

Ugly Duckling.

2009-04-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

I feel so ugly lately. I have my good days, which are few and far between. But the more I look in the mirror, the more I hate how I look. I just feel out of place with everyone else. I look at my sister S., she's absolutely gorgeous, and she knows it. She's so confident. So perfect. Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect face, perfect smile, perfect everything. I keep telling her she's the one who got all the looks in the family; she just laughs. But she knows it's true. She's the one every one's after (especially guys). Just an example, there was this one guy I talked to a lot and really liked. One day we were talking, and he mentioned he like my sister S. That hurt. I'm tired of trying to keep up with her.

Let's start talking about the girly stuff. If there are any guys reading my blog, I'd turn back now.

There's a lot of talk to days about being fit, and what the perfect body shape is. My body is around model skinny, which goes great with my height (yeah...right). For awhile it hasn't really bothered me, and I'm not really interested in gaining a lot of weight. But, let's be frank, with a skinny physic I have no assets. Yes, girls, you know what I'm talking about. It's so annoying, especially when my sister makes fun of me for it: This, at least, I manage to laugh off. The jokes aren't really jokes; they speak the truth.

Let's move on to my smile. My teeth are horribly crooked: It's ridiculous. I can't tell you how many people especially little kids make comments about them. "Why don't you get braces." I've heard that so much it's not even funny. You want to give me the money for that? Go ahead, be my guest. I've pretty much stopped smiling with my teeth showing. The only time I do is if I'm far enough away from the camera, and I can look straight on.

How can you look at me when I can't stand myself?

I can't tell you how glad I am that P. has really only seen pictures so far. I'm so scared that once we're in person, he'll realize how horrifying I really am. They say you're your own toughest critic. Does it really matter what others think if you're not comfortable with yourself? I'm ready to put a paper bag over my head and call it an instant makeover.

How do you start being confident and comfortable with how you look?

Worthless.

2009-04-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

How many of us use words like these to bring others down? How many of us hear these words on a regular basis? Maybe they aren't these exact words: Maybe they're little comments, a look someone gives us, or the angry tirades of friends and family members. How far are we willing to go to make other people feel worthless? No one likes feeling worthless. No one. Making people feel worthless has an affect on how they view themselves.

I was standing behind the couch watching The Hills with my sisters M. and S. My phone alerted that I just received a text. I look down, and it's from P., so immediately I have a huge smile on my face (I can't help it). S. looks over at me and asks who I was texting. Oh come on S., like you can't tell. The smile on my face totally gives it away. I didn't respond, and just kept smiling. Somehow my smiling set her off: Don't ask me how. Right away I was being accused of being a skank. I stood there. Then she started bring up my past to the point where I couldn't just stand there anymore.

I started to defend myself, which only got M. involved. She sided with S. I felt so attacked by them; they didn't know anything, and here they are accusing me of stuff and bring up my past. "Oh my gosh Lonely Heart, don't take things so personally. I was only teasing." Excuse me?! Oh so I was supposed to just laugh this off while you call me a skank. Sure, S. Sure. There was nothing in the tone of her voice that would lead me to believe she was teasing. And what she was bring up was not teasing material. She crossed the line and thought she could cover things up with the lame excuse of teasing.

You don't bring up some one's past for the sake of good-old fashioned-humorous fun. I'm sorry, but in my book that's not the way things work, so I beg your pardon for defending myself.

I stood there for another minute or two. She gave me a smug look and turned her attention to the TV. In the solitude of my room, I shed a few tears, took a deep breath, and tried not to let what she said bug me so much. It's hard not to let things that my sisters say not get under my skin especially when they gang up on me. And my futile attempts to defend myself always fail. It's like nothing I do or say can make them stop. Do they enjoy making me feel like nothing? Like I'm worthless?

Why do people feel the need to say horrible things about others? Ever heard of what goes around come around? Is it really that fun to pick on other people?

Unwanted.

2009-04-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have to speak up about something that has been bothering me a lot lately: Abortion. I know some people are tired of hearing about this and just want women to have their own choice and be done with the matter, but I'm not about the stand here and let millions of children die. Since when do we have to right to say who is human and who isn't? Who the hell do we think we are? That a woman can get pregnant and decide the baby isn't worth keeping. What's worse is if the woman finds out her child has a disability and decides to abort the pregnancy. What is the world coming to?

If you're going to engage in premarital sex, then you're going to risk getting pregnant. I hear abstinence is a great way to avoid getting pregnant if you don't want to have kids just yet. Why not put the baby up for adoption if you really don't want him/her that bad? It's way better then killing the child because, let's be honest, abortion is murder. I don't care how many reasons you have justifying abortion.

The newest form of abortion is the partial birth abortion. This sickens me.
http://www.nrlc.org/ABORTION/pba/diagram.html
Here are some diagrams detailing what happens during a partial birth abortion. Or here's the latest way to murder your child: Telling a nurse to go put the newborn baby in the morgue. The baby is left there for hours until he/she dies. How inhumane is that? Here's a link on the negative effects abortion has on women. http://www.abortionfacts.com/literature/literature_928YC.asp. Personally, I think many people over look the effects of abortion. Just because a woman has the choice, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

I wanted to find this one article written about the legalization of murdering unwanted wives. It was a satire on abortion and took it to the extreme to show how wrong abortion really is. But I will just have to settle with giving you all the link to A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

On March 31, my sister and I participated in Red Envelope Day. An empty red envelope was to be sent to President Obama. Each red envelope represents a child that died because of an abortion. On the back of the envelope, we were supposed to write, "This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world." Together, my sister and I went to the mailbox, prayed over the envelopes, and put them in.

Think about this, how would you feel if you were unwanted?

I'm a Revolution

2009-04-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Alayna Whisper

Flashback Time:

I was born on May 26 at 4:00 in the afternoon. I almost died in the womb (see my post Take a Walk With Me for more details). I'm the middle child with two older sisters and a younger sister and brother. To be honest, I don't really remember much of my childhood.

At age 7 or so, I remember wanting to play with one of my older sisters, and she told me, "I hate you. Go away." At that point in my life, my family had been living with my grandparents for a couple years. I remember my dad force feeding my peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. Little did he know that when he left the kitchen I threw it away. I discovered my left eye wasn't really "working," so I had to get glasses and wear a patch to make my left eye stronger. We bought our first house.

At age 9, I went to PCCS after two years of homeschooling. I started as a 3rd grader and ended up in 2nd grade. My parents decided 3rd grade was a little too hard for me. I was the only girl until after Christmas, when M. joined my class (she's the one in the bright blue dress from my last post).

Skipping ahead, ages 11-15 can be summed up in one word: Drama. Let's have three cheers for the teenage years =/. I had the problem with being impulsive and too opinionated, which caused three girls to hate me with a passion. And at least two of them still do. One notable thing about age 13 was a little thing people like to call depression. That affected my life so much, and there are things I wish I could erase. In 2004, my Uncle lost his battle with leukemia at the age of 32: The funeral was held just days after my family moved into the house we're currently living in.

Nothing special about age 16. I didn't feel any different: I didn't even have a party. I found out I was lactose intolerant aka a lactard. I decided on massage therapy for a career. Oh and I got my permit.

Now for the amazing year when I turned 17. A lot has happened both good and bad. I kinda don' t know where to begin --friend problems, guys, school, etc. Life in a sense blew up in my face so to speak. The best thing I did was get this blog. I "met" P. over the summer as you all know. Yeah I could go on, but that would be boring.

Well this was probably an epic fail, but it's really hard to remember things. And I'm sure once I post this a million memories will come flooding back.

Without further ado I tag: Lenore, Jocelyn, Roxy Motion, and Wandering Child

http://twitter.com/LonelyHeart17

I just got a twitter, so if you have one let me know.

A Black Tie Affair.

2009-04-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

On March 28, my school had an event called Protocol. I usually end up describing it as like Prom just without the dancing. But in reality, it's nothing like Prom. We go out to a nice restaurant and then out to a play. Sounds like good fun right? Here's the catch: We get assigned escorts. After all, it's not meant to be a dating situation. It's nerve wracking standing there and seeing the envelops being handed out to the guys. Who know's who you'll end up with. This year I was fortunate enough to have O. be my escort. He was great!

We all went out to eat at the Georgian Room and then to see Hello Dolly. The food was simply amazing, and the play was hilarious. Compared to last year, my night was perfect. I've known O. for awhile, but I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him one on one. It wasn't awkward at all (he's usually pretty quiet). We shared some good laughs and talked about random stuff.

I didn't want the evening to ever end: It all seemed to surreal. When I got home, it was so hard to take off the dress, wash the makeup off, and brush out my hair. A bunch of us go to the same church, so we had the crazy idea to where our dresses and tuxes. I had the time of my life, and if I could relive one day of my life this would be it.

So here are some of the pictures that were taken throughout the evening. Enjoy = ]

The tenacious Three - Junior girls

"The Great Gatsby"

I was going for the 1940s look (R. and I)

O. and I at our table

I haven't had a lot of time to get on here, so I'm sorry. But I have Spring break next week = D. I'll will hopefully be blogging a little more: I have a lot to talk about.

You Can't Trust Everyone.

2009-03-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe what just happened; I feel so bad for my sister. In my last post, I told you all that she potentially got this amazing nannying job this summer. Plans were being finalized, and things looked like they were going to work out perfectly. The family was from London, and they were coming over to edit a film. Then the woman, Sara(h) Wilson, was going to send my sister a check from which she was going to deduct her first months pay and wire the rest back to Sara(h)'s agent.

My dad started to think something was up. Who would let their one year old some be watched five days a week at a complete stranger's house? As it turns out, something was up.

At work this morning, My dad started talking to one of his co-workers about the situation: He thought something something was up too, so he started to check things out. The whole nanny job was a complete scam. The website my sister posted the ad on has recently had a lot of problems with this. My dad's boss look at the check, and there were numbers missing on the bottom. If my sister would have cashed the check, and sent to remaining amount to the agent, the check would have bounced. My sister would have have owed the bank a lot of money that she doesn't have.

We're so lucky we caught this when we did. I'm am so angry about this right now. This is another prime example of the depravity of human nature. You can't trust anyone, and I would really like to trust people. I trust people till they give me a reason not to. And my dad is reminding all of us that you have to be a little suspicious of people you meet.

Thinking Ahead.

2009-03-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm putting off writing a paper on Uncle Tom's Cabin: I'm tired, and the creative juice just aren't flowing. This weekend has been a busy one. Saturday I had a competition, and right after my last dance I had to book it to Drama. We were practicing some of our dances in a studio, so we could see ourselves in the mirrors. The rehearsal was really fun; I'm just exhausted and sore.

For some reason I've been thinking about life after high school. It's probably because there's less then three months till school's done, SATs are coming, and since the summer is almost here, it's time to find a job. There are certain goals I've set for myself this summer: 1. Get a good paying job 2. Somehow make it to Tennessee. My sister potentially just got an amazing nannying job this summer, and I'm thinking about doing the same thing. I've been a nanny before, so it's right up my ally. Going to Tennessee serves two purposes, USIR is being held there this year, and it would give me a chance to meet P. (it's been awhile since I brought him up).

I'm considering being a live-in nanny because that would open up job opportunities, but we'll see what my parents think.

Now for what's been on my mind for a long time. I've always wanted to move somewhere different after college. It's time for a change, and I can always come back home if things really don't work out. I'm really thinking about moving to Texas. This is partly because my sister already lives there: At least I wont be so alone and helpless. Plus, I could live with her until I got settled down.

Why Texas? I really don't have any other reasons for going there of all places. It being warm there definitely helps. The idea just feels right. My parents wont exactly be thrilled, but I still have time to get things all figured out. I don't have to have everything planned out this second.

Hypocrite.

2009-03-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with K., and that was without a doubt the worst conversation I've ever had. I don't get what's with him. Here's some of the things that happened: He told me he wanted to see The Watchmen, and I adviced him not to. My older sister just saw it and told me all it was just a bunch of blood and sex. Knowing K. didn't want anything to do with sex right now, I told him what my sister told me. Immediately he said he was definitely going to see it now. "Hold up...what?!" That didn't make any sense, so I asked him why he would see it if he's trying to reform his life. "I'm still a guy..." "I'M STILL A GUY?! You've got to be kidding me," I thought. If you're trying not to have certain thoughts, then why would you go and see a movie with sexual content?

"It takes time, Lonely Heart. Change isn't going to happen in one week." I of all people know that. But you can start by not watching (I'm just going to call it what it is) porn. So the whole time I'm listening to him thinking, "He's a hypocrite." I didn't tell him that, yet now I'm thinking I should have. After that, he started calling me a lesbian. "So now he has to be rude." He said he was only kidding cause he knows I'm not, but why say something like that?

On another note, here's a song I started listening to and loved it immediately.

Well I'm in for an insanely busy week: Drama is five days a week now from 3-6, and some how I'll have to fit dance in on Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8. Oh and maybe fit homework somewhere in there.

I'm Not Dead.

2009-03-07T22:18:00.001-08:00

Ugh I haven't been on in forever. I blame it all on finals, which took up all my time. The jury is still out on how I did on all of them though. This week has been tough, and it has definitely pushed me to my limits. By Thursday I was so out of it, and it was hilarious. I actually walked into a door after mentally telling myself I needed to open it. I'm just so glad they're over, but even with them being over there was no time to catch up on sleep. For the first time in Lonely Heart history, I went to a school fling thing. There was no guilt tripping involved; it was my choice.

The high school and junior high went to the high school basketball tournament and then bowling. It was a blast! I suck at bowling: I should win an award for most consecutive gutter balls. I almost got run over in the parking lot: I think God's trying to tell me something haha.Then I went back to a friends house with three other girls, and we watched The Incredible Hulk because we love Edward Norton. I slept through the first half of the movie haha.

The next day we all helped M. take care of the kids see was babysitting, and once they left it was time to get ready for drama. We're still working on choreography for all the songs. After that it was back to M's house to eat dinner and then leave to go to another basketball game. We went all out for this game. I put face paint on some of the girls' faces, so there was a bunch of us walking around with hand prints across our faces. I lost my voice cheering, and the gym was packed. Unfortunately, we lost, but it was still a lot of fun.

I have so much homework that I need to catch up on, and I really don't want to do it. After choosing to actually have a life for once, I'm finding it hard to give it up again for a life centered around school. I just have to make it through three more months.

My Life Be Like.

2009-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

I think we all have certain songs that we feel are pretty much written just for us. Every word in the lyrics matches your life. Well I have come across one of those songs recently, and I thought I would share it with you all.

What are some of the songs that describe you?

Update: Right now I'm feeling under the weather: My head is killing me and my nose is all runny =/. Of course I get sick at the best time; finals are this week.

I feel a little better emotionally since my last blog. I completely broke yesterday and ended up talking to my younger sister of all people. She helped a lot. I'm coming to terms with things now, and I'm slowly starting to reform my life I guess you could say. I know it's going to take some time before I ever feel 100% again, but I'm happier now.

As for K., we've talked twice, and we haven't talked since. It still hurts, but it might be time to move on, and I'm just glad he was in my life. There was obviously a reason why he entered my life when he did. We'll see how things end up.

How to Deal.

2009-02-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is that happens, but somehow life just seems go into the dreaded snowball effect. "Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over." That's a mantra I use often. Just when you think you might a good grasp on life, something starts spiraling out of control. I wish things were simpler: Maybe then I could understand why certain things had to happen. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize things only get more complicated (surprise surprise).

It's time to learn how to deal with life. Now where to begin...

Right now, I feel like curling up in bed so I can cry: I'm forcing back tears as I type. I think it's about that time when I finally break down. I just feel so lost; even though, I act like I have it all together. Inside, insecurity is eating me alive. I have to stop acting like every thing's ok when I know it isn't. I push everything away, then when the pressure gets to be more than I can take I break, pick up the pieces, and start the whole process again. Not once have I actually tried to confront myself. Why am I still trying to fool myself? I know something's wrong.

I see everyone around me trying to become a better person, but what am I doing? Nothing. Becoming bitter cause I'm too immature to actually deal with things.

On a more positive note, thank you Lenore for the recent blog award! I will try to pass that around asap.

Another One Bites the Dust.

2009-02-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

Hmmm I'm getting really good at losing friends. Who would've thunk it? Of course right now I'm not exactly sure, but I'm pretty positive that I'm going to be saying good bye to yet another friendship. So much for all the time and effort I put into it. So much for getting close to someone again. So much for trying to be there no matter what. Another failed attempt, and another person I will never be able to move on from. By now you probably want me to get on with things and just tell you what's going on.

Things between me and K. have been somewhat strained recently. I don't really understand what happened or if anything actually happened. Maybe it's just one of those "we're growing a part" kind of things. It's been really rocky all of last week, and this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back (well my back really).

He went to this thing called Disciple Now at his church. And I guess something really moved him. Last night I received this text from him telling me that he had changed. He said he wouldn't swear and do other things I wont mention ever again. My reaction was very mixed. On the one hand, I was really happy for him, but at the same time I was think "Good luck with that: You'll need it." Another thought that occurred simultaneously was "He's not going to be all that fun to talk to anymore." His new found change meant that I would have to change the way I am when I talk to him if that makes sense. Well I didn't text him back...

And there has been no communication since. I feel bad about the whole thing really. I just kind of don't know what to do cause I feel like we're not on the same page anymore.

A Complete Act of Stupidity.

2009-02-19T17:03:00.005-08:00

Please do not judge me over this: I know what I did was horrible, but I didn't know what else to do. I just hope that this will be a lesson to whoever reads this to not do what I did today.

I guess this is my 50th post as well.

I went over to my N's house yesterday and watched movies. The Omen is yet another lame movie: It wasn't even scary. It's tradition to watch a funny movie right after a scary one (or not-so-scary one as the case often is), so we watch Scary Movie. LAME! It was actually really disturbing more than funny. We went to sleep at 11, which is also a first considering most of the time we finally crash at around 2 or 3 in the morning. When we woke up, we decided to go to the mall and just chill. Perfect timing because today happens to be my brother's birthday, so I went shopping for his present.

N. has a license, but her six months isn't up yet, so she can't drive anyone except family. We sat in her truck while she called her mom over and over again. No answer. Her mom was supposed to take me home, and N. was supposed to go to dance. At 3:00, N. decided just to drive me home. Yes, I know that it was illegal.

That being said, what happened next was icing on the cake. (note the sarcasm). We were at a three way stop, and she started to pull forward when out of no where a white car practically appeared in front of us. She hit the passenger's side really good. There was glass all over the road, and the other car was totaled. Both of us freaked out. What we were doing was already illegal, and now we were in an accident. Immediately I told N. that I had to leave. I couldn't be there when the cops came. WRONG MOVE ON MY PART! She agreed. I took my stuff and left. I felt so bad for leaving her, and should have just stayed no matter what the consequences were. I went back to the mall and called my dad to come pick me up. While I was waiting for him, I heard sirens and saw that police, a fire truck, and an ambulance were surrounding the accident.

I quickly texted my friend and told her to call me later. She texts back and said there were 30+ witnesses who saw me leave, and that made things worse. Right as I read that a cop walked right in front of me. I got the hell out of there. There were cops looking for me, and I was scared shitless. I took off the bright blue coat I was wearing, put up my hair, and sat in the in a secluded area. I texted K. cause I needed someone to talk to. My dad finally came and I started to calm down. We even passed by the accident.... When I got home N called me. As it turns out, she saw no point in denying I was there, so she told the police and because she was honest they took it off her ticket. She also gave them my cell number and told me they might call. I guess the officer was really nice and even the paramedics were joking about how big N's truck is.

The officer understood that we were scared about what had happened, and said in the future that I should remain at the scene of an accident. "DUH!" is probably what you're all thinking, and you're right. I was an idiot for leaving.

Honesty.

2009-02-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

It is my personal opinion that if you want any relationship to work you must have honesty. Honesty is a hard thing: It doesn't come naturally to most people. Sometimes being honest with another person means stepping on their toes. I think it's worse to keep something from another person, then it is to tell them. At least if you tell the person, you can work things out. Can you do that if you keep what is bugging you to yourself? Absolutely not. Yet how come this is how most people are? They choose to tell everyone else except the very person the issue concerns. I read this book by Sarah Dessen called Just Listen (I strongly recommend reading it), and in the book was a boy named Owen. Owen was the type of person who is committed to telling the truth no matter the cost. I want more people to be like that.

Well you all know about my friend K. Prepare yourselves, you're in for a small rant. One night he called me, and it was so obvious that he was sad about something. I asked him what it was hoping I could help through whatever was bugging. He wouldn't tell me a single thing. I kinda got a little fed up with it cause I was already depressed and couldn't handle him being sad too. The next day he texts my saying he was happy: This made me happy too. But once we got on the phone, he wasn't happy at all. Again I asked him what was wrong, and pushed a little harder for information. All he would say is he was confused about stuff, The conversation ended quickly after that. For some weird reason I got the feeling his problem somehow involved me, which would explain why he wouldn't tell me anything.

I'm not one for assumptions, so I just tucked that thought away. I started talking to another friend, and eventually I spilled about my depressive mood and the enigmatic situation between me and K. I shared with him my idea. He said, "that's the other way i think it was going but i didn't want to mention it..cuz that's the way i am with you a lot of the time when I'm not happy. idk.." This immediately threw us into a conversation about honesty.

All I want is for people to be honest with me. Is that too much to ask for? It shouldn't be hard. Honesty is a part of communication, and without communication there is no relationship.

I wish I was special.

2009-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world And I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul want you to notice When I'm not around You're so fuckin special I wish I was special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. She's running out again, She's running out She's run run run running out...Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special...But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

Pretty much my song. Those are the lyrics to Creep by Radiohead.

Something isn't right, and I can feel it. It's never a good sign when I start going into one of my quiet moods, which started today. I just don't want to be around people right now. I really have no idea what triggers these moods. I'll be perfectly fine and semi happy then BAM! out of nowhere I'm depressed beyond belief for no reason really.

There are some things that have undergone the snowball effect.

1. I find myself in a very weird situation with some guys. I know eventually I'll have to pick one. But thankfully I'm single and I can put things off as long as possible. Although, P. has kinda faded into the background, and things with K. have started to heat up (wow I don't what it is with me and finding guys in other states...not to mention he's a close friend).

2. Things have gotten really bad for my family because of the falling Economy. But I'm sure a lot of people are feeling the same way. The problem is now that we could lose the house. My dad is a tough man, but to see him sit there and cry was hard to see.

3. I'm about to break.

Murphy's Law

2009-02-03T16:49:00.000-08:00

If anything can go wrong, it will
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
Mother nature is a bitch
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
The Murphy Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Addition to Murphy's Laws: In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

I think there was one that went something like this, "If you're feeling good now, just wait a bit." I love that one.

I just thought I'd share these with y'all. Personally, I find them rather funny. Also, I believe I may have lost some people with my last blog post, my apologies.

Writing.

2009-01-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

This was an assignment from my American lit teacher after reading The Scarlet Letter. She wanted us to write about a place and just describe it for two pages. I began writing, and this is what I came up with. I hope you enjoy reading this. Please let me know what you think.

Another dark day coldly greets the world; the sun is unable to penetrate the thick grey shroud. The darkness chokes back any small glimmer of light. Darkness creeps through the bleak town, which seems desolate. The streets are abandoned; traffic lights vainly switch from red to green to yellow. Cars liter the streets: Most car doors are left open and keys still in the ignition. If they were left running, the batteries had long ago died. The wind plays with the bare branches of dying trees, and crumpled papers, and various pieces of garbage. Windows of the buildings lining the empty streets are shattered and cracked: Shards cover the ground. Doors are broken down or left ajar, slowly moving back and forth on rusty hinges. The sound of which is like finger nails scratching a chalkboard. The air is heavy, almost suffocating: Each inhale of air burns the lungs and leaves an acrid taste on the tongue.

The paint on the houses, in a near by development, is faded and chipping away. Some houses have completely collapsed, others are missing roofs or parts of them. Mail is scattered on the street, the ink on the envelop no longer legible. What once were carefully tended to gardens bringing forth delicate flowers, weeds and dead bushes and rotting leaves and dry dirt where there was once grass are left instead. The cement sidewalk is cracked and destroyed making it impossible to walk on.

The street leads to a house that stands alone: Darker than the others. Gnarly dead oak trees line the way leading to the door, which has been torn off one of the hinges. Inside, a violent scene unfolds. Pictures lay smashed on the floor, but the pictures that were once protected by the frames have been removed. Whoever lived in the house was a lover of books; however, all the bookshelves in the livingroom are knocked down. A trajectory of books and ripped out pages lie across the floor. There are several places where the walls have been punched through, and a stainless steel kitchen knife is wedged in the broken coffee table. It is unknown whether it was used as a weapon of defense or destruction. The walls down the hall are decorated with claw marks. Blood – most likely from a powerful blow to the head – is splattered on one of the walls and the carpet. The bedroom is a scene of wild chaos and a fight for life. Half packed suit cases lay on an unmade bed; clothes are strewn around the room; drawers are yanked out of dressers. Someone or something forced it’s way through the window. A body was thrown against the closet door: The lock of black hair left around the coat hook serves as proof. The poor soul was dragged out of the room, which explains the claw marks and blood down the hall. There’s another room further down the hall; it is the room of a young child. This room has been left untouched by the intruder. What used to be a cheery yellow room, is covered with dust. A cradle, changing table, rocking chair, night stand, and baby toys are positioned strategically around the room. Everything was once brand-new, but now the wood is starting to rot. Baby clothes in a variety of shades of blue and pink are neatly stacked in the closet –all have still have the price tags attached. On the night stand lies a newspaper. The pages are taking on a brownish hue, and the ink is fading. The newspaper is dated June 17, 2012. Five words all in bold on the front page are immediately noticed: “The End of the World!”

Stealer.

2009-01-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

I noticed something about myself recently, and it's a little disconcerting. I can never seem to be happy on my own. If I am, it's an ephemeral happiness. I really feel like I steal my happiness from other people. It's like I need other people in my life to make me happy; otherwise, I'm miserable and left alone with my thoughts. Having people who are fun to be around is one thing, but when you're feeding off of their happiness, it's completely different (that last part sounds weird, sorry). I go from one person to the next until something goes wrong. I'm not saying that I leave all my friends once they don't make me happy. Wow I sound so ridiculous right now, but hopefully someone out there understands what I mean.

There are certain people in my life, who always make me happy, and I never want them to leave. But there are other people who I've gotten to know, and once they're no longer in my life I feel this void. This emptiness. This loss of happiness that they once supplied.

I can hang out with friends and be completely happy, but once I'm home it's like I can no longer be happy. This is all very confusing, and I am sorry about that.

Without My Friends I Would Be Normal.

2009-01-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

So this blog is devoted to my amazing bestie K. = D. Well where do I being? We haven't talked in 12 or 13 years, but we started talking to each other at the beginning of January. It was rather random I must admit: It began with him telling me interesting facts he found online, and that quickly changed to me asking 500 bajillion questions. That led into insanely long phone conversations. We literally talk every day: It just doesn't seem right if we don't. Within a short amount of time we've gotten to be really close. I think he knew more about me in one week then anyone knows about me now.

I tell him everything.

I remember not too long ago when I was first having trouble with P., I sat on my bed (in tears of course) and the first thought that came to me was I need to talk to K. After I ranted about everything that had happened, he offered to call me to cheer me up. He had me laughing and smiling within minutes. Any of you who have read my past blog posts on what happened with P. know that K. was there every step of the way. I don't know what I would have done without him.

There hasn't really been any depressing moments in my life since he came into it. He can definitely make me laugh till my sides hurt. Words can't describe how much this kid means to me. He's supportive, understanding, hilarious, random, and pretty much the nicest guy I know. I'm so thankful for him.

Finding friends that are there for you no matter what isn't easy. You never know when you might cross paths with someone like that. And when you do, hold onto them. Life, it seems, starts to make more sense when you have someone like that.

Make Believe.

2009-01-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

I thought some of you would like to see my costume. It's pretty hilarious. The jacket was hand made and the pants are from the 80s. Men were small back then cause I'm wearing a size 7/8. Not to mention the waist comes above belly button (oh so comfortable).

They made me smile with my teeth showing. I'm going to hold a grudge for a long time haha.

Me (the Duke), E (Gweniver), and J (the Pirate King).

Some of the cast starting from left to right: T (Majick), C (Dorothy), M (assistant stage manager), D (not really in the play), E, and J.

Take a Walk With Me.

2009-01-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

This is pretty much what happened all day. And it's times when you walk down memory lane that you realize how truly blessed you are. While I was walking with my dad, brother, and sister we marveled at how many of us shouldn't be here right now. My dad, brother, and I all shouldn't be alive today, but we are. We're here. My sister has a different story

My dad was born prematurely. He was the size of a little kid's shoe box, and my grandma fed him with an eye dropper. She cared for him even though the doctors said he would never make it. As for me, my mom had to be on bed rest for six months. There was some imbalance (I forget exactly what was wrong), but whatever it was would have resulted in a miscarriage or death right after being born. My brother is seriously a miracle. After he was born, my mom noticed he was wheezing. She took him back to the hospital to find out what was wrong. The only doctor who took the wheezing seriously was the one who delivered my brother. It turns out a vein leading to his heart was pinched shut. He went into open heart surgery when he was ten days old. I would try to describe the procedure, but I don't think I'm necessarily qualified. All I know is that it involved flaying open veins. Normally many people don't survive surgeries like that (or so I'm told). My brother will be fourteen in February.

My sister's case is different. Recently she just had surgery on her back to get a lipoma removed. The doctors were able to successfully remove the whole tumor. It was self contained and dangerously close to her spine. If it would have grown around the spine, the doctors wouldn't have been able to remove anything. The lipoma would have slowly continued to grow up her spine eventually killing her. That's worse case scenario.

Just to lighten the mood, my dad used to make us peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwiches. To this day I refuse to eat pickles.

Competition.

2009-01-17T23:34:00.000-08:00

I seriously don't know why I put myself through competitions. I really can't handle them. Today was my first competition of the new year, and I was nervous as hell. I was doing good this morning and not really thinking about my competition, which allowed me to eat breakfast for once. Usually I'm too nervous to eat anything, so I don't until 5 or 6 in the evening. That all changed once I got to the competition. I started to shake and felt nauseous. I had to dance five different dances: Four highland and one national. The highland dances were brutal especially because they're long dances (six steps). I totally butchered my sword, and I really don't know what happened (I hate that dance).

The outcome: I placed in one dance. I was just thankful I survived all five dances because the whole time I felt like throwing up (that wasn't just because I was nervous). I'm still a newbie to the Premier level: I'm just starting my second year. And everyone I dance against has been dancing since they could walk. I started dancing late, which means I was pretty old by the time I got to Premier (not good). Plus they all know each other, and well I don't talk. Odd one out once again haha.

There's a workshop tomorrow from 10-1, but I'm not sure if I'll go. I'm exhausted right now.

Facebook, a Place for Stalkers.

2009-01-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

Facebook: Some would call it a great website. A way to catch up with old friends and chat with current ones. What was meant to be a website for college and high school kids (and even adults) has been invaded my children that are clearly too young. Now parental supervision is required just to make sure their kids aren't doing things they shouldn't be. But I think this parental supervision has gone too far. Parents don't stick to checking just what their kids have done on facebook. Instead, they've stooped to the level of checking out everyone their kids are friends with. Facebook has already made spying on people very easy. Everything you do on there is seen be everyone you're friends with. You can even look at pictures of someone you know nothing about. Every conversation on your wall is viewable. There's no privacy. And now you add parents into the mix, and suddenly you feel very exposed.

I have nothing against parents checking their kids' activity on facebook. All I want is for parents to keep it strictly to their kids. I've had another parent tell my parents that I said I hated my life on facebook. I was enraged by this. First and foremost, it wasn't true; I never said anything even remotely close to that on facebook. Also, I didn't like that fact that some parent felt the need to snoop. Unfortunately, I know a lot of parents and other adults who use facebook that way. I don't like it when they read into things or use it to pry into other people's personal life (sometimes it may be unintentional, but still).

Unless I am saying things or doing things I really shouldn't be, I don't want to hear about a parent coming to my parents and telling them what I'm doing on facebook. My parents trust me, and if they want to know, they can look for themselves thank you very much.

The Problem With Being a Pushover.

2009-01-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I'm sorry if these "relationship" blogs bug anyone. Hopefully this will be the last one.

I'm a pushover. The whole thing about giving second chances has nothing on me. I give more chances then anyone I know. I was resolved to stop talking to P all together, and my sister thought it was best. But then he started chatting online with me, and that was it. I just asked him if he even liked me anymore, and his response was he thought it was best if he was friends with me cause he didn't want to lose me. He told me he loved me. And I melted. I just can't get over this feeling of being used, and at the same time not wanting to let him go.

I don't know why I'm willing to let some guy hurt me again. I'm either setting myself up for something that could be really amazing or end up destroying me. I just wish there was some way of know whether or not I'm actually being used or if he actually likes me as much as he says he does. I just can't seem to let him or anyone else for that matter.

At the moment, I'm waiting for him to call me. The ironic thing would be if he never did call me. Figures.

I Give Up.

2009-01-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

There's a new complication in my twisted love story. Things I guess were going ok after the whole other relationship incident, but again I guess I overlooked things. He called me while I was making dinner, and after sometime he said, "So I've decided something..." Immediately I thought, "Oh crap." He decided he just wanted to be my "big brother" for now, and he deleted every pic I had sent him. I didn't know how to respond to that. Along with his decision meant that there would be no flirting, etc. He kept saying that I might find some other guy, who would be better for me. I guess he didn't exactly comprehend how much I wanted him and only him. After we said good bye, another piece of me was taken, and I knew there really wouldn't be anymore day long conversations. I struggled so much to choke back the tears during dinner...

I talked to K. about it again, and his first response was, "WTF?!" He had never heard of a guy telling that to a girl before. He was really sorry I had to go through something like this and offered to help in anyway he could, so he called me to cheer me up. I'm very thankful for him right now.

As it turns out, I was right about not talking much anymore. Usually he texts me to say good morning. Those stopped coming. It wasn't until I was done with drama and headed home that he actually decided to text me. I was in no mood to talk to him though. All of my response were only a couple words, and a few texts later the conversation fizzled out. I seriously just want to ask him if he even likes me anymore. I need to know because if he doesn't, I have to find some way to move on. Easier said then done, of course.

I'm tired of people (especially guys) who walk in and steal a part of me and then leave. And I'm very tired of putting my whole heart into something just to have it taken away.

I Should Have Asked Him if He Would Cheat.

2009-01-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to hold my self together right now, but it's not working. I knew this feeling of happiness would never last, and I was right. So I've mentioned this guy who I've been talking to none stop for two months straight, and how much I really like him. Things have been going really well; and once in my life I thought things were actually going to turn out ok. I might have actually found the guy I've always been looking for. I was so close...so close. Somehow something went wrong. I don't know when though.

I had just spent the night at a friends house, and when I came home I put my stuff away and checked some stuff on the computer. Well I happened to check his profile, and you'll never guess what I found. I know I was shocked. It said he was in a relationship with some girl, and that girl wasn't me.

I sat there staring at the screen. Everything seemed so surreal. Before I new it I was sobbing, and I had to force myself to get up and go to my room. I sat there on my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. Why would he do that? I thought he cared about me. Obviously I had been horribly mistaken.

After drying my eyes, I decided I needed to talk to someone. I immediately started texting K. He told me I need to talk to P. asap and ask him what that relationship was all about. I did. He told me that someone sent him a relationship request. he was really tired and thought it was a friends request, so he accepted it. I started thinking, "The big heart next to it didn't tip you off that it wasn't a friend request. And once you figured it out why they hell didn't you CHANGE IT?!"

I talked to him on the phone and sorted somethings out. I'm still not sure about the whole trust thing; I want to trust him, but after this I just don't know. How would you feel if you thought you were being played?

Ushering the New Year.

2009-01-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

First post of the New Year! I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. Mine was pretty interesting and filled with lots of laughter. Anyone care to share their New Year's resolution (s)?
I personally don't make them cause most likely I wont keep them = /. But I guess the common one that's pretty much a given is getting through the rest of school, which I'm not exactly excited to go back to on Monday. It feels so nice not having to worry about anything. Actually I have been very overwhelmed, but I procrastinate too much. Look, another flaw haha. There's so much I need to finish before going back to school, yet I find myself sitting around doing nothing.

Does the new year start with stress? The answer is most definitely.

It's been fun though because I've been talking to some friends I haven't talked to in years. Anywho I'll blog about something mildly amusing later.

Which Way Do I Go?

2008-12-30T10:33:00.000-08:00

Lost. Confused. Trying to figure out which path to take is not always an easy one. You stand there looking at which seems safer or more adventurous. But you can only see some of the way down each path; there is still so much that is unknown. So many happy and sad moments to go through, and life changing situations. The only question is which path will I tread and remain fairly unscathed? This requires a lot of thought. Choose the wrong one, and there's no turning around.

Hesitation.

I think I know where I want to go now. There isn't anymore hesitation, and now all I have to do is start walking. I'm still a little scared and unsure, but that's all a part of the process: I'm not going to let that fear control every action. I have to live life not audit it. Along the way I'm going to step on some toes (most of the time on accident), and hopefully make my mark on the world. I'm going to learn from every mistake, enjoy every happy moment, and ride the roller coaster of life. I should be excited. There's so much I haven't yet discovered: I haven't even experienced life yet, I've only tasted it.

I'm almost there. Five more months, and then I'll be crossing over the thresh hold. I'll be met with a whole new set of responsibilities and hopefully more maturity. I at least want to know my goals before I make the epic journey into adulthood. The preparation for this event has taken years, and all I can hope for now is that I'll be ready when the time comes. I am so ready to start defining who I am.

I'm sure there's many more out there ready to go through the same thing.

Amusing Ourselves to Death.

2008-12-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

Everything these days is instant. We don't have to wait for anything; we don't even need to use our minds anymore. To us, life is experienced at the click of a button. We can sit on the couch for hours watching mindless television: Channel surfing the endless selection which cable provides until something strikes our fancy. Next we have the computer, which can be deadly. By deadly I mean, there is so much we can find on the world wide web. Many of those sites are things we shouldn't even let our eyes look upon. We can get whatever we want online. We're becoming a mindless people.

Just think back a couple hundred years. There weren't any TVs and no personal computers sitting in houses. Any free time they had was spent reading books and talking to others. People back then actually used their minds, and they enjoyed it. They were far better off than we are now. Back then they knew what it meant to work for a living. Everything they earned was precious to them. In light of recent events, if they were snowed in, they stayed home around a fire. Together. Now we have generators that allow us to watch tv, or use the computer, etc. We can't even be without those things for an hour.

I'm not saying we are completely hopeless today, but there's so much we need to recover. We abuse the technology we have today.

Would You Cheat?

2008-12-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Would you ever cheat on me? I was asked that the other day; my reply was, "No! I'm not that kind of person." The person who asked me didn't think I was that kind of person, yet still felt the need to ask me. After that experience, I thought about why someone would cheat on someone that they liked. And then it hit me: You don't cheat on someone you actually like or love. It's not possible. If you you like/love someone, cheating is not an option. You would never do that to the person. If you cheat or prone to cheating, there's something wrong. Really wrong. Why are you in a relationship if that's what's going end up happening? Obviously you didn't really like the person to begin with. Sometimes it's tough to tell the difference between like and infatuation I'll admit.

Have the guts to get out of the relationship, seriously. Or go talk to the person. Cheating on someone is one of the worst things you can do. And yet many people still cheat. Think of the habits they're developing. I'm sure this isn't the whole reason, but it really does lead to failed marriages. A person who can not commit in any previous relaionship cannot be expected to commit to a marriage. They really shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Ok well it's a short post, but tell me what you think.

Weather update: Snow snow snow. Last night was practically a blizzard, and we ended up with pretty much a foot of snow, which is kinda uncommon where I live. The weather reports say to expect snow Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then sometime this week it's supposed to start raining (Thank God!).

I was babysitting until 12 last night, and when I got home the power was out. Thankfully at around 2:30 in the morning it came back on.

When The Lights Go Out.

2008-12-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

I absolutely loathe it when the power goes out. It's like the whole world stops suddenly. My house runs on electric not gas, so when the power goes out we have no heat. Wednesday night I was typing out a speech for my Rhetoric class when everything went black. My sister was in my room playing the piano, and started yelling my name. She's insanely afraid of the dark. So I walked down the hall to get her, and held her hand as we walked up stairs to light some candles. I had no idea what to do next. My sister and I were the only one's home. My dad and brother had braved the weather to go pick up my mom from work, and weren't back yet. As it turns out they were stuck in W. To make matters worse, my cell was dying, my dad had lost his, and my mom's cell was dying too. There was now no way to get ahold of each other.

I quickly called my friend R, who lives in the area, to see if he had power. She did, so I made plans to some how get to her house. I didn't want to be home alone without power. R's older sister was going to meet my sister and I part way down our hill. While we were standing there waiting for her, my parents drove by. Surprise surprise. They finally managed to get out of W. I raced back up the hill and into the house to call R and tell her A didn't need to pick us up anymore.

I was thankful when the power came back on an hour later. Trying to sleep in my room was impossible: I swear penguins could have survived in there. But the worst isn't over yet. Apprently the mother of all storms is going to happen tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping the power doesn't go out again.

The Growing Hole

2008-12-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile. In the end, it's always been me...alone. This is the one feeling I've never been able to shake off; the one feeling that's quickly becoming a burden. It's weighing me down, until one day I wont be able to move at all. I don't think anyone would recognize the SOS signals. If you saw me, you would think I was an ordinary girl traveling along the unknown path of life. But if you stared hard enough at the mask, eventually you would see the person who's tearing apart at the seams: Barely able to hold herself together. Does anyone really take the time to look? More often then not, no. Of course, I tend to hide this feeling of being alone.

Sometimes it's easy to forget when I'm around other people. For awhile I feel ok, and things aren't as bad as they really seem. Only it doesn't take that long for reality to shove me back in my proper place. I'm constantly searching for things to fill this growing hole inside of me. I'm searching for something that will satisfy this feeling; something that will make this feeling go away. Sometimes I think I have found the cure, yet I can never be certain. Recently, I got this overwhelming sense that I was all alone. And what was even more scary was that fact that I thought that this was how I was meant to be. Always alone. I shed a single glistening tear, then sucked it up. I have to be strong, no matter how cracked my foundation is. Feeling happy and alone all at the same time is complicated.

Don't let the huge grin and laughing eyes fool you. Just take a closer look and you'll see all that's there is a broken smile and forlorn eyes. And I'll just stand here, as the world passes me by, waiting. Waiting for something or someone that will help release me. Or until I finally decide to grit my teeth and brave the storm alone. Alone.

A Game of Tag Anyone?

2008-12-14T20:59:00.001-08:00

What makes me happy?

1. My Friends: The one's who put a smile on my face and help me through every hardship

2. Long walks by myself.

3. Reading a good book in front of a blazing fire with a nice cup of tea.

4. More recently, the boy who talks to me 24/7 (literally).

I tag:

Red

Jocelyn

♥MademLee♥

I'm working on another post, which will hopefully be up soon.

I got 3 inches of snow last night! I'm hoping that this year it will actually be a white Christmas.

Choking Back the Nerves.

2008-12-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I do have some exciting news to share with you all. Last Tuesday I was talking to a friend, who told me I should try to help out back stage for the play in April. Try outs for the play were last week. I didn't think much about it until later that night. As I was thinking something occured to me: There's always this bond that forms between everyone who's involved with the play. and to some extent I've always wished to be a part of it. Plus being a part of the back stage crew would help me get to know everyone better. So off I went to talk to the director.

Earlier that day we had our concert dress rehearsal (don't worry this all ties in), and I had to swallow my fear and sing my solo in front of the whole school. It didn't go as bad as I thought. Anyways going back to that night, the director told me that I should just try out for the play. The play happens to be a musical, and after hearing me sing he saw no reason why I shouldn't. I frantically rushed off to find my sister, the assistant stage manager, to help me figure out what I needed to do. I couldn't have tried out without her help. She helped me prepare a song to sing for part of the audition. The song I chose was "All I Ask of You." Of course, I had to sing both Raoul and Christine's part.

During the try outs, I surprised myself: I wasn't nervous at all! I had to sing a song from the play and a song from The Sound of Music in front of everyone, and usually I shake like nobody's business. This time I didn't. Even more shocking was finding my name on the cast list the next day. The funny part about it all is I get to be a man haha. I'm the Duke from Huckleberry Finn. The first read through was on Monday, and I absolutely love my part!

Thursday night: The concert I was excitedly looking forward too. I was singing "That Yonge Child" by Benjamin Britten. The harpist accompanying me was amazing. Again, I wasn't feeling nervous: I told myself to breath, to have fun, and not to look at the people in the crowd. I get more nervous singing in front of people I know, so I was better off not recognizing a familiar face. I went down to sing my solo and made it through without shaking violantly. After the concert, I got a lot of "Wow I had no idea you could sing like that," "You sang like a friggin' opera," and "You gave me goose bumps."

Well I can honestly say now, if I didn't have a life before, I definitely wont have one now. I hope I make it through the next coming months.

Who Am I?

2008-11-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get that feeling when you look in the mirror and you have no idea who that is staring back. Yes, it's the same face: The same eyes sadly laughing back at you, the same lips pressed into a hard grimace. Yet there's something strangely different about that face. You don't recognize the features as your own. You blink once or twice, and pinch yourself just to make sure this isn't some dream. That person staring back at you isn't really you; it's an imposture. As you stand there quietly gazing at your reflection, you start to think that maybe this is you. It's just not the person you thought you'd turn out to be. This person turned out to be horribly wrong: The exact opposite of what you had envisioned. And this new person frankly scares you to death.

What happened? When did I lose myself? Now you're faced with the dilemma of finding your way back to the person you once were or accepting this new, strange person.

But what if you didn't really like who you were before that much to begin with? I mean the person you were before is someone you can live with, it's just not all that great either. In a way, you're suck between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately change doesn't necessarily happen in the blink of an eye. And there's no way of knowing if the change is going to be for the better or for the worse. I would have to say there are certain parts of who I was before that I really liked. I liked being quiet, but loud around friends. I love laughing and joking around. My randomness is something I can't live without, and the fact that no one really seems to know who I am. I am unreadable. I'm incredibly fine with being anti-social. But where did I go wrong?

Now I've done some things that are way out of character. I don't exactly regret them, but I don't really like them either. But I know one thing, I can't continue with this new me. Eventually a line has to be drawn and boundaries made. How? Is it too late?

The Downfall of Getting

2008-11-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

In my English class, we were discussing the idea of Courtly Love. To the medieval knight, loving a woman didn't mean entering into some kind of physical relationship. In fact, they rarely ever saw each other. The knight saw the lady as a sort of inspiration and as a symbol of a virtue. It was even common to be married and look to another lady for inspiration. This is because once the knight proceeded to go beyond a courtly love and take on the vows marriage, the lady lost all her meaning to him. She becomes an ordinary human to him. The reality of this made me apply a similar idea to our modern culture.

We love the getting more than the having.

What I mean by this is we are so driven to get something, but once that thing is finally attained, it's not long before it loses all charm. This can be seen in a lot of different ways. Take Christmas for example: We ask for various gifts of which we most desperately want, and yet, after a month or so we don't care about them. We want bigger and better things. Relationships are the same way. You start liking a guy or girl and almost instantly you're set on having him or her. Feeling progress and begin to grow, and you're wait to either make the move or for the other person to make the move. But once you've been with the person for a couple weeks to a couple years, you are discontent with them.

All the action and thrill is in the getting.

Sure, this may not always be the case, but it often is. We satisfy our needs in that moment (however long that moment may be) and move on. This is just food for the thought.

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is fast approaching, I hope everyone has a wonderful time with friends and family. Wish me luck, I'm preparing the entire Thanksgiving meal. I hope it's edible.

Finally some place I can call my own.

2008-11-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately no, I'm not moving out of the house yet, but I am moving into my own room. I've shared a room my whole life, but with three other sisters and a brother, sharing a room is a given. My parents promised I could have my older sister's room once she moved out. Of course, she moved out at the beginning of September. It's now almost the end of November. The only problem with moving downstairs is the possibility of getting my door taken away if I hibernate in there. I'm kinda in trouble cause I stay in my room a lot = /. One of the things I hate about moving to a different room is having to take ALL your things and organizing them all over again. So far I have a huge pile of clothes on the floor, and I'm still not done getting everything else in my room. In the end, I know I'll be happy .

Now on to other news. I saw Twilight last night with a friend and my older sister. And I can honestly say I was incredibly disappointed. I know the movie will never be the same as the book, but they could have at least tried. They really didn't. I was tempted to just walk out of the theater. There were some very good parts: I will give them credit for that. It probably would have been ok if I hadn't of read the book.

Other opinions about the movie?

Also, my first Trimester is finished. Finals were brutal. I spent last weekend doing Connections homework and preparing for finals. My English final was insane: We have to write a commonplace and a poem while trying to study our notes from Beowulf and Dante's Divine Comedies. So over the weekend all I got to was the writing portion of the final, which meant lots of cramming Monday night. I spent 5 and a half hours studying for that final: It was hard paying attention cause my brain was already fried and I was sleep deprived. Then to make my week even better, I took four finals all on Thursday (I missed two on Wednesday cause I was at my other school). The common response I got to that was, "You're crazy," or "You're going to die." I was taking finals from 8 a.m. until 3:30. The last final took was Chemistry. I'm usually pretty good at Chemistry, but I couldn't remember a single thing.

Here's to hoping I at least passed ha ha.

Oh dear. It happened again.

2008-11-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

I swear, God has a sense of humor. And I have proof. Some one please tell me why the guys worth liking are never close by. This I mean literally. This has happened to me twice now, and in a way it's terrible. Talking to someone you know you're never going to see unless a miracle takes place. Damn emotions keep getting in the way! And somehow I laugh at my situation because it's so ridiculous. There are reasons why smart people stay away from long-distance relationships. More often then not you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Well I'll explain what's going on. I've been msging a friend of a friend for some time now, and recently he finally asked me for my number. I gave it to him, not expecting anything to happen. Sure enough we've been talking none stop ever since. It seems to me that our feelings are mutual, but neither of us has said anything. And in a way I hope neither of us says anything. But I finally found a guy that is older than me (but not too old), funny, and thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course in my mind I'm saying, "Well you haven't really met me in person yet." WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! Ok well it's only really happened once before, but that's beside the point. I'm not going to start anything cause I'm really not looking for anything, but I do like him.

The other time this has happened to me was at the end of summer. This guy I knew way back when I was seven found me on facebook, and we started catching up. It was really cute though cause when we were seven, we had the biggest crushes on each other. He told his mother he was in love with me and that we were going to get married. Finally he asked me straight up that if we lived in the same state would I go out with him. Of course I said yeah...if we lived in the same state. Then he proceeded to ask me how I felt about *drum role please* long distance relationships. I said that I tried to stay away from them because they never really worked out. But some how I found myself in one soon afterwards. Go figure. And surprise surprise it did not last too long. It actually kinda hurt.

After that I was pretty much done with guys, and have thankfully never had a relationship since. But I'm kicking myself cause I can't ever find a guy who lives where I do.

What are your thoughts on this?

Hiding Behind a Wall

2008-11-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

"She's just a little too scared to get close to anyone because everyone who said, 'I'll be there,'...left."

I recently had a "talk" with my parents about how I was acting. I should say our talks are more like my parents ranting about a whole bunch of things, and me usually standing there. I guess they finally noticed my withdrawn manner, which had been going on for two months, but somehow slipped by them. I normally don't tell them anything that is going on in my life. When I do, I immediately wish I could take back everything I said. I don't like it when they, or people in general, know my personal life. I feel exposed. Naked. And it is not a comfortable feeling I might add. And most of the time, my family takes advantage of what I do tell them and use it against me. Well, back to the talk, it surprised me how much my parents got right about me. (I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much) My dad told me I was building a wall between me and the rest of the world. Also, that I didn't like having relationships with other people. I stood there and said in my mind, "Exactly."

I'm not going to lie here, but I basically have one friend, and pretty much not even that. I have numerous acquaintances, but no true friends. The one "friend" I do have I share a lot more of my life with, but still not exactly in detail. To be honest, we were forced into a friendship. In a class of four, we had to cling to each other. I do not mean that in a negative way. As it turns out we go through similar situations, so we're a pretty good match. We're the...different ones so to speak.

But I think I finally shut down after so many of my previous friends walked in and out of my life. All of them promising 'to be there for me.' Those are empty words to me now. I can look at the past and smile, but after a second the pain sets in: Overwhelming my senses, so that I'm screaming out for the memories to stop. I double over and choke back the tears that threaten to come streaming down my cheecks. I don't want to be hurt. And in this life, there isn't much we can do to escape getting hurt, but I'm going to do whatever I can not to be crushed. If that means building a wall, then the stones must be laid. And this all fits perfectly into who I already am. In a sense, I am choosing a life of solitude, but at the moment that is all I want.

So for the moment, I am hiding behind and wall. My safe zone. The only way of life I've known for so many years.

Monsters.

2008-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

"When you grow up you realize that there isn't really any Santa but the monsters are still around. If only they were big and hairy; now they're just dark and amorphous, and they're no longer afraid of the light. Sometimes they're the guy who climbs in the window and takes your television. And sometimes they're the guy who walks out the front door with your heart in his hand and never comes back. And sometimes they're the job or the bank or the husband or the boss or just that sort of dark heavy feeling that sits between your shoulder blades like a backpack. There are always terrible things waiting to grab you by the ankle, to pull you under, to get you with their long horrible arms. And you lie in bed and look at the shadows on the ceiling and feel, under the covers, just for a moment, like you're safe. One more day alive."

-Anna Quindelin

This is one of my favorite quotes. There are monsters every where, waiting to grab you. You never know what the monster will come in the form of. Life is full of these situations, and the only way to handle it is by tackling them straight on. There isn't away around them. And you certainly can't hide from them, safely protected by your covers, anymore. And as you go through life, the monsters keep getting bigger are uglier. Except, they don't appear that way on the outside. The monsters actually may look very appealing; They become harder to detect until they're right on top of you.

As most may have guessed, life has been that monster for me these past few months. And every night as I crawl under my covers, I am thankful I made it through one more day. I may be bruised and some what beyond repair, but I made it through. I keep pushing forward and battle against the monsters as they come along. Oh and boy do they come one right after the other. I can't give up and surrender: I have to keep inching forward. Perhaps one day the monsters wont seem as big or as scary, and I wont have to fight them off by myself.

Uniform.

2008-11-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

I believe someone asked me awhile ago what my uniform looked like. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find a picture of me where you could see my entire uniform. Well, this is what I looked like on Halloween (clever, I know). Now if you take away the fishnets (and replace them with blue tights or knee highs), converse, and make the skirt go down to my knees...BAM...you have my uniform.
Anyways this is a short post, but hopefully I'll have another one up sometime in the near future.

Welcome to Anger Central.

2008-11-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Anger. I don't think there's a stronger emotion. I would go as far to say anger is stronger then love. It's so easy to get angry over the smallest things. A comment about how you look, your siblings constantly pestering you, or when something doesn't work out exactly how you planned -- all can trigger an immediate response. That response could be a number of things: yelling, hostility, fighting, or even silence. Most of us can't go a day without getting angry about something. Anger can control your every thought and actions. When you are angry, your mind is clouded. Thinking of how you should handle the situation becomes impossible. The right thing to do isn't easily solved, and most of the time we're not concerned with finding the right way.

So what are we to do when anger decides to strike? Seclusion and silence don't necessarily solve the problem. Often the result of the two is bitterness, which is the offspring of anger. What are the other alternatives? Yelling is mindless and bestial; although, most of us choose this method of dealing with anger. Maybe because that's how we learned by seeing others yell at each other. Another tendency we lean towards is passive aggressiveness. We pretend every thing's ok, but all of our reactions are vindictive. All of our anger takes place behind the scenes, catching others off-guard. Then there are some who are brave enough to reveal their anger and confront the person. This may lead to good and resolution or more bad. I don't think we trust method nor do we feel comfortable exposing ourselves to that extent.

Anger can be an obvious emotion to spot. It can leak through our eyes and change our expression. In some cases we refuse to interact with others. Anger whispers in our ears making things appear worse than what actually happened. And the dead give away is when you take your anger out on everyone else. Perhaps scientists should find a cure for anger. Anger really should be classified as a disease. Or we should all sign up for anger management sessions. It is a bigger problem then most are willing to admit.

Trick or Treat

2008-10-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Oh it's that time of year again: The time when you finally accept that Fall is here (at least for me). Let's break out the pumpkins, ghosts, witches, and cobwebs, set a bowl of candy by the door, and cuddle close to or friends or family while watching a scary movie. Little kids (and some not-so-little kids) run around neighbor hoods filling up pillow cases of candy. It's time to make the yearly trip to a haunted house or corn maze. You can literally taste the excitement in the air. Party stores stock up on various halloween costumes, which are nearly snatched up instanely. Anything goes tomorrow night.

Last year was the Third time I went trick or treating (shocking, I know). I went with two friends and my sister. I nearly froze, but still had a ton of fun.

Here we all are, cute as ever. Starting from left to right: Me the fairy, my amazing friend R. the cat, my sister M. the...well we're not exactly sure what she is...and K. the 80's dancer. Of course, everyone thought I was a butterfly: It annoyed the heck out of me. I would mutter to the group, "Omg! I'm a fairy!" To which they would reply, "Um you look like a butterfly." Oh well. Other then that, some odd things happened, and then we quickly went back to K's house to watch The Messangers and warm up. The year, however, I'm not going to be something as cutesy. I am going to be a dead school girl. Interesting...I think yes.

What's everyone else going to be?

Happy Halloween!

Escape With Me.

2008-10-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

I used to hate reading with a passion. I read boring school books 24/7, so doing any personal reading was a definite no. I had been doing some personal reading, but once I finished a book I wouldn't pick up another one for a very long time. That was until a year ago when I finally picked up Twilight. I'm not an avid reader yet, but I love reading. I have developed a habit (I guess you could call it that) where I have to go buy all my books. For some reason owning them is better than getting them from a library. I just have to know they're mine. I love the new book smell and the feel of the pages between my eager fingers. I believe my favorite place to go is a book store. I'm like a little kid in a candy store every time I go. Unfortunately with all the books I was buying, it kinda put a hole in my parents' pocket.

I enjoy the momentary escape from reality: To enter into the character's world. The best writers can get the reader to feel everything the characters feel. And trust me, it's hilarious to be around me when I read. I will literally sit there and make comments about what's going on as if it was actually real. I get excited, sad, nervous or whatever emotion comes across the pages. And when the book is done I'm beside myself: I almost wish I had never read those last few pages. It's an odd feeling when you're excited to finish a book, but at the same time wishing it would never end.

I'm not a fast reader: It takes me at least a week or two to finish a large book. But I almost like it better that way. I can enjoy them longer. In fact, I used to carry a book around with me in my purse. You never know when an opportunity to read would present itself. I did finish one book in a day; I started Sisters of Misery on the way home from vacation, and didn't put it down till I was done. And now as winter approaches, I'm euphoric to sit infront of the fire with a cup of cider and read. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Tag. You're It.

2008-10-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

Top four wishes:
1) That life you would start making sense.
2) That I could switch schools next year.
3) I really need a job.
4) I wish my family would get things back together

Four places I want to travel to:
1) Germany
2) Scotland or just make that the British Isles
3) Russia
4) Iceland

Four careers I want to be involved in:
1) Massage Therapist
2) Hair colorist
3) Physical Therapist
4) and something having to wish art. Not sure what though.

Four things I would like God to say at the Gates of Heaven:
1) Welcome my good and falithful servant.
2) Come walk with me.
3) Let me show you the place I have set aside for you.
4) I love you (sounds cheesy, but coming for Him...need I say more).

Here are my 4 victims for this tag:
(I guess I can't tag roxy since cady tagged her...)
1) Nicole Linette
2) --Silly--Jedi--
3) Skippy
4) jocelyn

It's just one of those times...

2008-10-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been an interesting one to say the least. Friday was one of those ok days with a few highlights. We almost burned the school down in Chemistry class. I'll explain. We were doing a burning experiment except we didn't exactly have the proper equipment. So we lit rubbing alcohol on fire (smart, I know). I don't know if any of you know, but different salts burn different colors. I can't remember all the ones we tried; my favorite was Lithium Chloride. When burned, it turns the flame a hue of magenta. After awhile, my teacher thought it would be fun to lit a napkin on fire by dipping a small glass rode into the alcohol and putting onto the napkin. Well, the napkin didn't get damaged by the flame only cause it lasted for a couple seconds. So he proceeded to pour the rubbing alcohol onto a paper plate. As he was pouring, the fire burned him, so the alcohol went all over the table and floor. The sad thing was we all sat there watching it for the longest time. Finally my friend took out her water bottle, so we could put out the fire. Next on the list of events planned for Friday was a college lecture on Westmont. Westmont's college advisor was in the area, so she was invited to come to my school and speak. I'm all for going to college in Santa Barbara, but the whole Christian undergraduate liberal arts thing isn't my cup of tea. Why would I want to go to a College that's almost exactly like my school? I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in my high school went there. It's like the new NSA or Biola to them.

Now I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but yesterday night I made an exception. My family decided to sit down and watch Frankenstein, and as soon as that started I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to hang out, so I went. Yeah two guys and one girl isn't exactly the best thing. I mostly just sat there while they talked about crew and cars. I mean it was fun to get out of the house, but it also kinda taught me a little bit about myself. Funny how certain situations can do that. I'm SO different now. I don't like putting myself in situations where I'm just there to take up space. And the truth of the matter is, that's what happens most of the time. I'm not loud, outgoing, or all that funny. Friday night was just really eye opening. I only like hanging out with people I have something in common with. I love the guys I was hanging out with, but there was this obvious feeling to me that I didn't belong there.

Life really doesn't love me right now. I had a dance competition yesterday, which I was insanely nervous for. I thought I had packed everything in my dress bag, but I soon realized when I got there that I didn't have my kilt socks or my blouse. I was so upset with myself. The hard part was not dancing my first two dances and having to tell my teacher what happened. Something like this happened to me at my last competition, and the only thing that saved me from sitting out was that my teacher ran that competition. I'm not proud of this, but I cried three different times: That's how upset I was with myself. At the same time, I now know why there are only dance moms and very few dance dads. My mom had to work, so my dad had to take me to my competition. He was so antsy to leave. So I left before awards. I don't think I got anything though.

In other news, my dad decided not to take on another job, and I definitely don't agree with his reasoning on that one.

Just Listen.

2008-10-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard of Imogen Heap, I would strongly recommend listening to them. Please listen to the song and tell me your thoughts. How does it make you feel? It makes me feel pensive, and I love the silence after listening to it. I don't know how else to explain it.

You have bewitched me, body and soul.

2008-10-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm going to come right out and say it: I love watching Pride and Prejudice. I don't care if it's the 6 hour A&E version or the new one staring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfayden. I'm a sucker for romance movies. I watch Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, The Notebook, Phantom of the Opera, etc. over and over again. Somehow I never get tired of those movies. I love getting swept away in the moment and feeling every emotion then the sigh of relief when they realize that they're meant to be together. Although, when the movie ends, it's always bitter-sweet.

How many of us wish we could end up with the dashing young man aka a Mr. Darcy for example? I know I do. And perhaps that's why I find the endings bitter-sweet. The men are always so perfect even with their flaws. I wish there were more men like them in the world. Unfortunately I think they went into hiding a long time ago. Can I get a moment of silence?

Does the perfect man exist? Certainly not. But watching those movies make me not want to give my heart away to just any guy. Actually, I find myself jealous of those women who end up with the almost perfect men. Very jealous. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Partly it is my fault. Although, I’m almost kind of happy just "dreaming" of the perfect man. It would be nice to have the special someone, yet I honestly don’t think I can handle that kind of commitment. I guess I just answered my own question. I can’t find a guy like that because I don’ t try to find him, and I am ok with that.

Why fool yourself into thinking you can take on the responsibilities of a relationship? Why does every girl need to have a boyfriend? I finally thought all of this through: No I’m not ready for a relationship and I definitely do not need a boyfriend right now. I have to admit that guys just let me down; I’m expecting things to just be absolutely amazing, but then I realize it’s not going to be that way. The guy is never going to know exactly what to say and do when it’s appropriate; he’s always going to some character quality that just gets under your skin; he’s going to let you down. The perfect man is meant to only exist in the realm of imagination and fiction.

Am I a love cynic? The answer is YES!

Sorry that sounds so depressing, and sorry that this blog is all over the place.

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

2008-10-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

This month isn't looking so good. Already life has given me a bigger taste of reality then I can handle. Exactly what I needed...not. I know every now and then it's needed, but when it makes everything look like there's no way out, please don't bother if that makes sense. My family is in over our heads in financial difficulties, and things aren't looking so good. I'm glad that they're letting me know what's going on, yet at the same time it's tough because I can't help or do anything about it. My mom teaches at my school, then goes to work at a grocery store right after she gets off. Now my dad has gotten a second job, which he will do every weekend for the rest of this year. After that, he can choose when and what days he works. All of this just to make ends meet. It is now offically my job to run the house.

It’s not my parents’ fault that we’re in this mess; it’s my sisters’ fault. I love them to death, but they haven’t made things any easier for my parents. My parents are doing everything they can for my sisters like paying their car bill, etc. if they don’t have the money; we can’t do all that much though. My oldest sister moved away in March, leaving behind a massive debt. She’s paying it off, but this guy kept calling and calling us. Eventually, we had to change our phone number. This guy kept insisting that my mom had to pay off the debt; even though, she had faxed documentation showing that the debt was my sister’s, and that she was paying and had been paying it off. This hasn’t satisfied him. Apparently, if my mom doesn’t take immediate action now, they are going to have to take legal action against her. IT’S NOT EVEN HER FING DEBT!

As for my other sister, she’s a bit of a shopaholic. She really doesn’t know how to manage her money. She recently moved to an apartment with three other girls to be closer to her college. Oh dear, more irony. She can’t even pay the rent. I’ve loaned her money (remember, I don’t have a job) to help her with some previous payments, but this time neither me nor my younger sister nor my parents could do anything to help her. One day when she came back home (she comes home a lot); I asked her why she even moved out. It would be better for her if she just moved back home. She just gave me this look, and I knew what she meant. She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t want to: She finally had her “freedom.” To make matters worse, she got hit by a car. They were going to pay for her to get her car fixed, but then she was getting billed for it. I still don’t know exactly why. Today, she totals her car. It’s her fault this time. Guess who pays for her car: My parents.

Snowball effect in action. Not the prettiest thing ever.

I really need to take a mental health day. I think that apathy is a terrible thing to have: It’s like a disease. Of course, I just happen to have apathy and lethargy, among other things. I know what I have to do, and I do it because I have to. But school is definitely taking a lot out of me now. It’s more my private school not Connections: If anything, Connections is where I want to be. I rarely ever speak in class anymore because I no longer care. This sounds really bad, but as I read this, I’m being really vague. Not on purpose. A friend asked me if I was ok (again what is with that question?!) because I didn’t say a word in English class, and I actually told her that I just didn’t care. It’s very unusual for me to not speak in English, but I haven’t been for the past two weeks. I think it’s because my heart (so to speak) is no longer there. I can push myself through the rest of the school year, doing the things required of me, but it’s not going to be enjoyable or pretty.

As for things at home, I’m literally drowning in all things I have to do. I’m needed more then ever now, but I just wish I could get away from it all. A vacation is definitely needed. My younger sister has once again started judging me. In my mind, she’s little Miss Righteous. We have our moments, but mostly our relationship isn’t that great. Yesterday, I was telling her how I didn’t like that out 13 year old brother had a facebook now cause all he would do is chat online and mostly to girls. Immediately she snapped back at me saying I was no better because all I do is talk to boys. I told her no that’s not the case. And even if I do, they’re my friends. Well after awhile, out of the blue she said that our parents were right in not trusting me because they shouldn’t. I didn’t let on to this, but that hurt. And to make matters worse, she thinks she knows my every motive for doing things when in reality, she know nothing. She doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling right now. The thing that makes me laugh is the fact that she wants to be told about things that are going on, but I can’t do that with out getting mocked or made fun of or down right judged.

I was asked how I manage 11 classes, so I answer that question. I do all my private school work during the week, and get my Wednesday assignments early, so I can get some things done ahead. I do all my Connections assignments on the weekends plus whatever assignments I get from my other school. I guess it’s about time I learned time management haha.

I have another homework filled three day weekend...goodie.

October Madness

2008-10-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have no clue what's going on with me anymore. I feel so withdrawn lately, and I don't just want to blame it on lack of sleep or too much homework or something like that. My Rhetoric teacher asked my friend and I if something was going on because we didn't seem to be our usual selves. This was probably more directed towards me because my teacher has the uncanny ability to always sense when something might be wrong in my life. I hadn't really thought much about how withdrawn I felt until she asked. Of course, then I started racking my brain trying to find a reason why. What's more annoying then not being able the express yourself when something is wrong, is when you can't really explain to yourself what's going on.

Well, I guess an update of what's been going on with me is in order. School takes up 95% of my time, but so far I'm surviving. I recently dropped my WA State History class in favor of an American Lit class. I'm happy with my decision, and it looks like it will be an great class. I had the dreaded picture day this past Wednesday at Connections. Yeah...I've haven't taken a good school picture ever. Oh well I guess. Maybe my pictures will turn out better at my other school's picture day. Oh, another thing I decided on doing is cutting my hair off yet again. Right now it's the longest it's ever been in a year, but it's really annoying. It's nice when it curls right, but that isn't very often (yes, I have naturally curly hair). If I do cut my hair off (hopefully this weekend), I wont be able to put it up for my competition = /.

Ugh. Ok so not only am I taking on 11 classes, but I also play mom at home. My mom is working two jobs just to make ends meet, so she's never really home any more. This morning she was running around the house yell at me for not keeping things cleaner. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT?! I don't have all the time in the world to make sure the house is absolutely spotless. And it's not like I get that much help from anyone else. I'm doing my best... I try to get dinner on the table every night, and I try to keep up on the laundry, and I try to clean the house as best I can. But I can't stress this enough, I really don't have a lot of time. Now my dad has a second job. Things get worse before they get better, right? I sure hope so.

Well I have a three day weekend this week that is going to be filled with homework...oh joy.

Mute

2008-09-27T00:27:00.001-07:00

I know I've said that I hate silence, but it just occurred to me that at the same time I love it. Let me explain. When I'm by myself, I detest silence. On the other hand, when I'm around people, there's nothing I want more than silence. This is rather a self-imposed silence; I don't want everyone else to shut up exactly, only me. Odd and confusing, I know. There are days when I don't feel like uttering a single word to anyone. Just a simple conversation seems like too much to bear. Instead of words, I use the occasional "yeah" or "mhmm" or "no" to respond to things. Naturally everyone thinks something is wrong, which is not always the case. It actually kinda bugs me when people ask me what's wrong. If there is something wrong, I can never put it into words. And if there isn't, then they just don't really believe me. I'm going through this right now. My dad was driving me and my siblings home from school, and I wasn't saying a word to anyone. He made a few comments about my quietness, but left it alone after awhile. As soon as we got home, I started making dinner, but was interrupted because my dad wanted to talk to me. Of course, he wanted to know what was up and if something had happened. I really didn't know how to explain it and didn't want to deal with it at the time. So I just said I was mentally exhausted and was suffering from a minor case of lethargy. I wasn't lying; I just wasn't telling the whole truth.

I'm a listener. I love listening to other people. Nothing makes me happier then when friends comes to me and tell me something that happened to them or something they're having a problem with or if they just need someone to rant to or someone to laugh with. I would expect nothing less from my friends if I ever needed someone to just be there and listen. It really is one of the most comforting feelings. Sure I may never really get what's bugging me off my chest, but at least I can help them with whatever is going on in their life.

Not every second of every day needs to be filled with talking. Take the time to listen, and you might be surprised with what you will hear.

Music is Life.

2008-09-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Opening Credits: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Waking Up: Mi Mancherai (Il Postino) - Josh Groban (wish I knew what that meant)

First Day At School: On My Own - Three Days Grace

Love: Dandelion - LFO

Fight Song: Dance Floor Anthem - Good Chalotte

Breaking Up: She's Out Of My Life - Josh Groban

Prom: Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Life: Oceano - Josh Groban

Mental Breakdown: The World Has Turned And Left Me Here - Weezer

Driving: Everything I Am - The Veronicas

Flashback: Karama - Alicia Keys

Wedding: It's All Over - Three Days Grace

Birth of Child: Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

Final Battle: Remember Me - Josh Groban

Most, if not all, actually are true. Scary. But the songs that happened to answer this quiz don't really show the wide variety of music I listen to. Like I said before, I'm always listening to music. Whether it's getting ready in the morning, driving in the car, folding laundry, to finding something to fall asleep to. Music is expression and a powerful thing. Now I'm just a listener really, never tried to pick up an instrument and learn to play anything. Of course, I guess some people would say one's voice is an instrument, and if that is the case, then I use an instrument daily. I love to sing: I don't care if it's singing along to whatever's on the radio, or a choir piece. I've been in a choir ever since 2nd grade: Soprano naturally. My voice is definitely a gift, and one I've been afraid to really share until now.

Moving on. I'm kinda all over the place when it comes to what I listen to. Plus the fact that the genre of music I'm into is always changing. For example, earlier this summer I was really into techno and electronica, and by the end of the summer I loved screamo, emocore, rock, and hardcore/post-hardcore music. I do, however, draw the line at most country and modern jazz (I really like the 1920s sort of stuff, but don't get a chance to listen to it all that much). I do pride myself on trying to find things that most people wouldn't even think of listening to. The other day I was listening to Skip Divided by Thom Yorke, and my sister was disgusted. Yes, most of the music I listen to most people would consider worthless incoherent babbling or just depressing. If you think about it though, all the popular songs you hear on the radio are just about sex, drugs, and the ins and outs of love. I have nothing against those songs, but sometimes you need more then just that to listen to. I feel that the incoherent babbling or depressing music I listen to is more meaningful. Poignant. It's about something.

Keep commenting <3

Screaming in a Silenced World

2008-09-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

I want to make something very clear: I just want to be heard. It's as simple as that. I'm just your not-so-average teenager who wants her screaming to finally reach the ears of anyone who will listen. I want to inspire, to make people think, to learn something from others, to get my thoughts, concerns, problems out there. Mostly I wanted an emotional outlet; I didn't know how people would respond or if anyone would even read it. But I'm glad people do read my blog and understand, for the most part, where I'm coming from.

In all honesty, I do have some personal issues that need mending. The only problem I've had with that is I let them fester too long. Pushing them deeper and deeper inside of me. The result wasn't pretty...naturally. I am now only the bitter, angry shell of a person. It took this summer for me to see that, and it hurt. Of course, I don't really know how to deal with these problems: I don't feel comfortable exposing myself that much to friends or family. So why blog about it for all to read? Well I think I like blogging so much because the readers don't know me. They are, in a sense, not biased (I don't know if that's the exact word I'm looking for, but it will have to do). I still have a long way to go before I'll ever be ok with my life.

Last night, as I was sitting on my couch watching House, I hit a wall. Now I'm not talking about your every day clumsy little happenings, I mean a head on collision. Something clicked in my head, and it kinda made sense. I just want people to leave me alone. I think that is directed more towards my "friends". If I'm having SO much trouble moving on from the past, why not start over? Cut myself off from the "old" and begin again. Yes, I don't know if this is the conventional way of doing things. I don't even know what triggered the thought! Really, I'm not sure if this will even work or if it's the right thing to do. Yes, starting over with a clean slate is ideal, but probably easier said then done. Well if I actually cut myself off, maybe I'll finally be able to find myself. I need to do that before I deal with everything else. Hmmm soul searching...this should be interesting. Not sure what I'll find. The ups and downs come fast in my life, so one minute I'll seem completely fine, and the next I'm a walking disaster (just a little warning).

I'm sure there are people out there who know what I'm talking about. My screaming might actually be answered.

Keep the comments/advice coming.

Careful what you wish for

2008-09-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

It surprises me how many of us wish time would go just a little faster. "I can't wait till I graduate." or "I can't wait till I move out." etc. Yeah that will all happen in time, just wait until it does. Time goes by faster then you think. Pretty soon you'll look back and wish you had all that time back. I think we take the time that is given to us for granted; we're impatient for the rest of our lives to finally start. But are you ready for all the responsibility life throws at you? I'm certainly not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to pay my own bills, and all that jazz. Could you handle it?

I was talking with some friends about a bunch of stuff like the economy, health care, college, jobs, and, yes, even marriage (well more the stuff that bugs us about it). Then it hit me - more like knocked the breath out of me - I am scared about what the future will bring. Struggles and joy, tears and laughter - all of which make up this crazy thing we call life. Just not all in that order, and maybe more downs then ups. Who knows? This just made me realize that I need to enjoy every moment I have; even though, it may not be all that peachy at times.

No, time doesn't come in a bottle, and no it can't be rewound. Life may not seem easy at times, but that just makes us love the moments that truly do take our breath away. Don't rushing through life: Take time to smell the roses.

Finally Defeated...

2008-09-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how to describe the feeling other than defeat. Even that doesn't get the point across. Ever have someone torn from your life? I'm not talking about death. No, rather it's a type of metaphorical death. Yet one that you can never seem to come to terms with. The wound only rips open; Growing and growing till there's nothing left. You try to distract yourself, but that only alleviates the pain for a short time. Then you go off thinking you can fill the growing void or at least numb that pain. But one way or another it creeps to the front of your mind. Unforgettable. How could things get this bad? What's worse is how could I let them get this way? I'm almost tempted to shut myself off from the world. Honestly, I don't know how I'm holding myself together at this point.

To many people that I have come to love dearly are gone in the blink of an eye. I just want to go back to when things actually made sense. My life actually made sense. I had friends I could talk to and trust: Friends I would give my life for. But now they're gone, and I don't know why. They say people change; however, does that mean that change has to separate people?

I can't take it anymore! I don't want the people I have grown so close to, to just disappear. To never talk to me again. Every time I see them or hear about them or look at a picture, I'm just reminded of all the fun times we've shared. Only now that can no longer be. How do you move on from something like this? I would really like to know. Please. Somebody just help me try to sort through all the mess I've created. I don't want to feel like this anymore; I'm sick of it. Maybe I just need to grow more as a person and learn to accept things for what they are. But when you feel like people keep taking pieces of you with them when they leave, what's left?

I'm sick of shaking

never waking

from the hell I achieve

I never knew you till you left me

with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring

way to buckle the knees

So mistreated, I repeated

Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated

I will stand on my own

Yeah your memory that punches me

has broken the bone.

Do you need to take a part of me away to show you're strong?

2008-09-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

It bugs me how much people are constantly telling me how to do my hair, makeup, and how to dress. It's ridiculous! I don't go around pointing out the things I don't like about their appearances. If you think I wear too much eyeliner or don't like my bangs in my face, good for you. You're not me. Stop trying to control what I look like; Stop trying to change me and make me feel bad that I don't look like everyone else. If you don't like what you see, don't look at me. It's that simple.

Why can't people just accept? We're so set on judging everyone else.

I am who I am live with it or without it...

5 more minutes please?

2008-09-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's that time of year again where goodbyes to summer are in order, and the dreaded alarm is set. School is starting up, which means sleep deprivation, the coffee maker on overdrive, exams to study for (or should I say cram for), and friends to share it all with. No more lazy days, no more sleeping in, and no more freedom. Ok maybe we still have a little freedom. Now all we have to do is make it through the next nine months. Easy right?

I start school tomorrow bright and early. To tell you all the truth I'm definitely the farthest thing away from a morning person. Getting up at 5 in the morning is not my cup of tea. Here's the funny part: I'm going to two schools this year. I'm going to Providence 4 days a week and Connection every Wednesday starting September 10. I will have no social life or time at all; The brilliance of it all was it's my choice. I'm not dreading it yet, but I'm not happy about things either. Although, I'm very excited about going to Connections because it will be something new. I've been at Providence for the past ten years (!). Time for a change...again easy right? Wrong. The two school thing was a compromise between my parents and I.

So it's time to don my uniform, and put my thinking cap on. We'll see how well I make it though the coming months. Maybe...just maybe I'll survive it all.