It's been something I've been working towards for a little while now, and it shouldn't be too much longer before it actually happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I really can't take being away from M. anymore. A year has been long enough, and now I want to have a normal relationship with him. One where we're actually in the same state and don't have to wait every three months or so just to see each other. A lot of things have to fall into place though before I can even move though, and thinking about what it takes is so overwhelming. Career services recently came to my class to we could start the long twelve week process of getting our background checked. We also filled out applications to take the massage board exam. Because I'm planning on moving, I have to take the national board exam. This one will be harder and more comprehensive, which has me a bit worried. I have twelve more weeks until I'm finished with school, and then it will be a few more until I can schedule taking my exam. This puts us into November.

I wanted to take a two weeks vacation over Thanksgiving to see M., but now that's looking like it won't happen. I can't really book tickets when I don't know when I can take my exam. And once I'm finally licensed here, then I can start the process of getting licensed in the state I want to move to. The jurisprudence exam is only given at the first of every month minus December. This puts us into January. I definitely couldn't afford a two week vacation in November only to turn around a month later and fly out to take that exam. And if I pass the exam, hopefully it won't be too long after that I get my license. I'm not willing to get another job here because I am unwilling to commit to another year here. So this means I will be moving and have to start looking for a massage job ASAP.

Now comes the question of where to live, and how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping to rent a room from a family M. knows over there. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll exchange house cleaning and babysitting for rent at least until I get on my feet. Mostly it's the financial aspect of everything that I find so overwhelming. I have things really good right now. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. And school is paid for. My expenses are just paying for car maintenance, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, and whatever else I might possibly need. The thought of being completely on my own is daunting. How am I supposed to make it 2700 miles away from home?

I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.

"Maybe you're not a lecherous youth pastor, a hypocritical abstinence counselor, or a thieving neighbor. But you are somthing. A backstabbing friend? An insecure bully of a father? An unfaithful husband? A resentful wife? What? Trot out your thoughts, every last one, no matter how tiny, no matter how fleeting, no matter how awful or pornographic. Project them on a screen for the viewing public. We'd have you pegged in a heartbeat-- just as you'd be able to peg us. A good author could even work with unhidden things, the things you're actually willing for the rest of us to see. Are you a whining fusser? Do you complain about the weather? Do you know how much work went into that weather system? Maybe you resent an obstacle, anything that makes your day longer or harder. You think you're underappreciated. You, with the way you think about everyone else around you (your mother, your siblings, coworkers, or even your spouse), feel undervalued. What exactly is your value? Would this planet miss you if you ceased to be? Would the human race falter?"

-Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson

It's that time of year again when high school students dread going back to desks and homework. But for some, those who have entered into a new world, there is anticipation. What dorm will I be in? What will my roommate be like? Every fiber of there being buzzes with excitement. Maybe there are some nerves about how classes will be and being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. I for one have none of these feelings: I decided to take a year off. For awhile, I was relieved and happy with my decision, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone's leaving. I'm staying.

I can't believe I'm saying this . . . . I want to go back to school.

It feels like I'm missing out on so much. I need to do something. Do. Something. I can't just sit around for a year working and doing nothing. Why does it feel like I'm missing out on life?

Graduating from high school was one of the best days of my life. But since that time, the high has worn off and reality has set in. I think I just expected life to be so great once I had freedom, but with freedom comes more responsibility. Right after finals, I went straight back to work; there really was no down time in between. June 10th rolled around, and I was off to Europe for two weeks on a school tour with the same people I'd just spend an entire school year with. Now I had to live with them . . . for two whole weeks. It honestly felt more like three months. The trip was fun, and I'm glad I got the chance to go to Europe, but I wish it would have been more of a vacation and cultural experience. I'm in the middle of sorting through all 1200 pictures.



I recovered from jet lag not at home in bed, but at work. Coffee has become my new best friend. Once back in the states, it dawned on me that I probably needed to get my college affairs in order. How the heck am I going to pay my way through college after a $4000 trip? My bank account is totally drained. I enrolled at a technical college. All I basically had to do was say, "Hi, my name is...." and I was accepted . . . only to find out that I was two months late in the registration process. Just my luck. The only three classes left were the Fundamentals of Massage 1, 2, 3. I signed up not really know what else to do, but I know I can't take those classes at the same time. I also can't wait a quarter and then begin the program in the winter.

I sat down with the parental figures to talk about church, setting up a budget, and dating. I want to start a budget, so I know how to handle money and prioritize what my money gets spent on. You can never learn how to do that soon enough. They mentioned that if I needed to, I could take a year off and just work. Immediately the pieces fell together. Why don't I just do that? So that's what I'm doing: I am taking a year off. It kinda gives me peace of mind, but it's weird to think that I won't be going to school when everyone else I know will be.

I just want a pause button right now to figure out how I got here. Where did my life go? I should have taken more time to enjoy my teenage years because I'm almost wishing I had them back.

I haven't talked about him (by him I mean my ex) since last year. But I think it's time for me to clear the air with you all. November 16th was the night he and I were forced a part. At first, I was so angry at everyone, and not because I was angry I wouldn't ever talked to him again, but because I felt so much shame for what I'd let happen. Losing him wasn't as hard to deal with as I thought. I now realize it's because I wasn't IN love with him. I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I'm going to be honest. I was always looking for a way out. As much as I wanted someone to love me and to love someone back, it wasn't him, yet I thought he was the only one I could get. November 16th gave me the chance to finally cut all ties and move on. Find someone new. Find a guy who won't pressure me into things. Find that one guys, who won't make me feel like I need to look for the exit sign.

I just want to let you all know that I am so happy that he is out of my life; I am so happy my parents knew what was better for me. I'm free.

I gave into some of the things P. wanted to do that I never wanted to do. I'm equally to blame because of it. But I finally realized that if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he wouldn't have pushed me so hard after I said we shouldn't do any of it anymore. He would have respected me and not put me in the situation that he did. He should have been a man and told me when I was going to far. I don't hate him. I can't stand being around him though. We need to be out of each other's life. We can't be friends, and I'm ok with that.

Don't allow a guy to walk all over you. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve, tell him to hit the road.

I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.