I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.

Maybe it's just me, but does it make you mad when your own siblings go through your stuff and think they can take whatever they want without asking? I'll admit I've had times where I've done that. Now I know just how annoying it can be. I've ignored this stealing ever since my older sister moved back in a couple months ago. But yesterday I decided no more. I'm not just going to stand there while she goes through my closet when I leave or when I find my undergarments in her stuff. She has more clothes then I will ever own, and yet she thinks she needs my stuff too.

So I got angry when I saw she took one of my swimsuits without asking. And of course her thinking is I can't be mad at her for stealing stuff, but she can get mad at me if I wear something of hers. And the stuff I wear that she owns are mostly just white camis. I stay away from all of her expensive Ed Hardy stuff. Well that didn't put my in a good mood for the cast party last night. When I got home, I wanted to get the whole thing off my chest. I starting texting P. (not the one from TN) thinking he would be there for me.

I was wrong. Instead he's telling me he'll give me a hug if I'm nice to S. I said no thank you. Then he tells me to kill him first if I ever go crazy. By then I was pissed off. Is this how he expected to help me? He was being inconsiderate: I was finally opening up to him like he always wanted me to, and this is what I get. Next he wanted me to sneak out and meet him. NO! I just said he was out of his mind, and good night.

I tried. I really wanted someone I could talk to about what I hide inside. It looks like that will never happen. I think it's just better if I keep things to myself from now on. It just works better that way. He was feeling things that I don't know if I felt. I mean things that go past the realm of just being friends. Is it time to just grow apart? Or just try to salvage what we still have? It's kind wierd how something so simple can lead to something this complicated. Either way I choose is going to be heard. Can I handle it.

How many of us use words like these to bring others down? How many of us hear these words on a regular basis? Maybe they aren't these exact words: Maybe they're little comments, a look someone gives us, or the angry tirades of friends and family members. How far are we willing to go to make other people feel worthless? No one likes feeling worthless. No one. Making people feel worthless has an affect on how they view themselves.

I was standing behind the couch watching The Hills with my sisters M. and S. My phone alerted that I just received a text. I look down, and it's from P., so immediately I have a huge smile on my face (I can't help it). S. looks over at me and asks who I was texting. Oh come on S., like you can't tell. The smile on my face totally gives it away. I didn't respond, and just kept smiling. Somehow my smiling set her off: Don't ask me how. Right away I was being accused of being a skank. I stood there. Then she started bring up my past to the point where I couldn't just stand there anymore.

I started to defend myself, which only got M. involved. She sided with S. I felt so attacked by them; they didn't know anything, and here they are accusing me of stuff and bring up my past. "Oh my gosh Lonely Heart, don't take things so personally. I was only teasing." Excuse me?! Oh so I was supposed to just laugh this off while you call me a skank. Sure, S. Sure. There was nothing in the tone of her voice that would lead me to believe she was teasing. And what she was bring up was not teasing material. She crossed the line and thought she could cover things up with the lame excuse of teasing.

You don't bring up some one's past for the sake of good-old fashioned-humorous fun. I'm sorry, but in my book that's not the way things work, so I beg your pardon for defending myself.

I stood there for another minute or two. She gave me a smug look and turned her attention to the TV. In the solitude of my room, I shed a few tears, took a deep breath, and tried not to let what she said bug me so much. It's hard not to let things that my sisters say not get under my skin especially when they gang up on me. And my futile attempts to defend myself always fail. It's like nothing I do or say can make them stop. Do they enjoy making me feel like nothing? Like I'm worthless?

Why do people feel the need to say horrible things about others? Ever heard of what goes around come around? Is it really that fun to pick on other people?

I just got off the phone with K., and that was without a doubt the worst conversation I've ever had. I don't get what's with him. Here's some of the things that happened: He told me he wanted to see The Watchmen, and I adviced him not to. My older sister just saw it and told me all it was just a bunch of blood and sex. Knowing K. didn't want anything to do with sex right now, I told him what my sister told me. Immediately he said he was definitely going to see it now. "Hold up...what?!" That didn't make any sense, so I asked him why he would see it if he's trying to reform his life. "I'm still a guy..." "I'M STILL A GUY?! You've got to be kidding me," I thought. If you're trying not to have certain thoughts, then why would you go and see a movie with sexual content?



"It takes time, Lonely Heart. Change isn't going to happen in one week." I of all people know that. But you can start by not watching (I'm just going to call it what it is) porn. So the whole time I'm listening to him thinking, "He's a hypocrite." I didn't tell him that, yet now I'm thinking I should have. After that, he started calling me a lesbian. "So now he has to be rude." He said he was only kidding cause he knows I'm not, but why say something like that?

On another note, here's a song I started listening to and loved it immediately.

Well I'm in for an insanely busy week: Drama is five days a week now from 3-6, and some how I'll have to fit dance in on Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8. Oh and maybe fit homework somewhere in there.

I swear, God has a sense of humor. And I have proof. Some one please tell me why the guys worth liking are never close by. This I mean literally. This has happened to me twice now, and in a way it's terrible. Talking to someone you know you're never going to see unless a miracle takes place. Damn emotions keep getting in the way! And somehow I laugh at my situation because it's so ridiculous. There are reasons why smart people stay away from long-distance relationships. More often then not you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Well I'll explain what's going on. I've been msging a friend of a friend for some time now, and recently he finally asked me for my number. I gave it to him, not expecting anything to happen. Sure enough we've been talking none stop ever since. It seems to me that our feelings are mutual, but neither of us has said anything. And in a way I hope neither of us says anything. But I finally found a guy that is older than me (but not too old), funny, and thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course in my mind I'm saying, "Well you haven't really met me in person yet." WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! Ok well it's only really happened once before, but that's beside the point. I'm not going to start anything cause I'm really not looking for anything, but I do like him.

The other time this has happened to me was at the end of summer. This guy I knew way back when I was seven found me on facebook, and we started catching up. It was really cute though cause when we were seven, we had the biggest crushes on each other. He told his mother he was in love with me and that we were going to get married. Finally he asked me straight up that if we lived in the same state would I go out with him. Of course I said yeah...if we lived in the same state. Then he proceeded to ask me how I felt about *drum role please* long distance relationships. I said that I tried to stay away from them because they never really worked out. But some how I found myself in one soon afterwards. Go figure. And surprise surprise it did not last too long. It actually kinda hurt.

After that I was pretty much done with guys, and have thankfully never had a relationship since. But I'm kicking myself cause I can't ever find a guy who lives where I do.

What are your thoughts on this?

Teens are always looking for someone to "fall in love" with, but end up getting crushed over and over again in the process. Why do we let ourselves go through that kind of emotional pain? I personally think that teens use the phrase "I love you" far too often. We're too young to know anything about love yet. I love you comes with commitment, and most of us aren't ready to face that. How can we learn anything about commitment when we're constantly breaking up and finding someone else. Granted, your high school bf(s)/gf(s) aren't going to be your soul mates. Also, I don't deny that some do truly feel strongly about their bf/gf, which translates into saying "I love you."

But how do you know when it's appropriate to say that? How do you know if what you're feeling is genuine? Is it determined by how long you're together or the bond you have? I honestly have no clue. I have been guilty of using that phrase too loosely, but there is one person that I feel I said it to and meant it. Story time...

We have a history...obviously. Unfortunately, I think I realized my feelings a little too late this time around. It's been one of those on again off again relationships that finally came to a halt at the beginning of the summer. It was a messy ending. I was scared I would never move on from him. We had tried to be friends, but it was too painful for me. Although, I never told him that. So I was glad, yet a little sad, when we no longer talked and ignored each other.

'"Because you never go from going out to being friends, just like that," I explained. "It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of the break up. And someone takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."' - This Lullaby
I read this in a book and thought it was actually true; it definitely lined up well with what had already happened. So I resolved not to get involved with him again. I did distract myself to the point where I thought I really was over him.

Until recently when a friend told me he still liked me. I immediately flipped out. For a couple days I toyed with the idea of being in a relationship with him again. But I psyched myself out, and was set on rejecting him. Of course now we were talking again, which made everything ever so more complicated for me. I knew very well that I emotionally couldn't handle this (I was in the midst of a mental break down). So when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't say anything in response. He soon figured out I was saying no and apologized for asking me. Words can't describe how wretched I felt.

Now we're back to trying to be friends, but the thing is I MADE A MISTAKE! Here's the ironic part: He already likes someone else. Mind you this was 3 days (more or less) after I "said" no. So I'm silently screaming, "I WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE PICK ME!" While at the same time thinking I should just keep quiet and let him date this other girl. Somehow I'll find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. The only problem is I ran out of duck tape a long time ago.

Outside all of this relationship mess, he's pretty much one of the best friends I've ever had. He knows me the best, he can easily read my mood, and cares about me. Yep I've put myself in the best situation...ha ha. I really have no choice: I've made my bed. The truth is I know things would be easier if we didn't talk, but I don't want that. Even considering that makes me feel like I would lose so much that way...a part of myself.