(The Duke and Dauphin)

The play was simply spectacular: I'm so happy I decided to try out for it. The cast became my second family, and I'm going to miss spending hours with them after school every day. It's been a long journey, but a rewarding one. The play could not have gone better. Three of the performances were completely sold out. This kinda raised the stakes though.

I had one nervous break down the day before opening night. During the one of the songs, I have to jump off of a flat that is four feet into the air. Did I mention there are four of us on that flat? Plus, we're jumping over someone who is pretending to be asleep. I wanted to practice jumping off before we did a run through, but I couldn't do it. I just stood up there freaking myself out. I had K come up and jump with me, and even then I couldn't do it. Then J. came and kinda gave me a pep talk. The three of us were supposed to jump off together, but, once again, I couldn't jump off. By this time I was so nervous about not being able to do this simple thing once the time came. Eventually my director came over and was going to help me jump off; I fell apart. I ran off stage crying. I felt very embarrassed. My director found me and offered an alternative instead of jumping, but I wasn't ready to take the easy way out. The good news is I jumped off for every performance.

I loved being the Duke; even though, it meant I had to be a man. The makeup artist had fun trying to make me look more manly, and when she was finished she would say, "You look so pretty...I mean handsome." I couldn't take myself seriously in the makeup until I put on the costume. The side burns were hilarious though, and ripping them off was even better. I even dyed my hair to match them. I didn't know how great it was to be somebody different on stage. Once I was on stage it wasn't me who was acting: I was the Duke.

The cast had so much fun back stage. We would mouth the words to every song and dance if we knew the choreography. Of course, then there were the numerous "dance parties" we had while getting our makeup done. Did I mention how many inside jokes we started? I would share, but I'm afraid none of you would get them haha.

Some of the time E. and I had to pretend to have conversations until our lines came, so we would start talking about what we were going to do once we bought the pixie dust, and how we were going to steal Billy's watch, then it turned into us mouthing, "Watermelon jello chocolate peanut butter." One of us would respond, "No not the chocolate. I can't eat that." Both of us are lactards.

(product of one of the inside jokes)

(We're home!)

(Stroking the facial hair)

After the last performance, the guys take down the set, and the girls take care of the costumes. While the guys were still working, a bunch of us stood around talking and having a great time joking around. I think at one point we all broke out into the hokey-pokey. Of course, by then it was midnight. I met one of J's friends, Stevie (I'll use his nickname because it's nowhere near his actual name). We actually hit it off and spent most of the night talking. I drove with him to the school and then to Denny's. At Denny's, I crashed: The endorphins completely wore off, and I wanted to go to sleep so bad. But then the food came, so that made everything all better. Who knew breakfast at 2 a.m. could taste so good? Stevie came over to sit with me; I ditched him shortly after we got to Denny's to go sit with my sister. Well I wouldn't say ditched: I was sharing food with my sister, and I hate eating in front of people especially guys. Around 3 we all decided it was time to go home. Hugs and good byes were exchanged (multiple times I might add), and then T. drove my sister and I home. I almost fell asleep in the car.

So now I find myself having MakeBelieve withdrawals and talking about group therapy with the cast. It's hard to believe the sort of attachment and bond that forms during rehearsals. All the years I wasn't in the play, I hated everyone who was in it. The reason for that was mostly because they had what I wanted. They were a family and had so much fun together. This year I finally got the chance to be apart of that, and I loved every minute. I got to know the cast so well and developed friendships I never thought possible. It also gave me a chance to show them a side of me that no one has ever seen before. I just wish it wasn't over yet.

I just got off the phone with K., and that was without a doubt the worst conversation I've ever had. I don't get what's with him. Here's some of the things that happened: He told me he wanted to see The Watchmen, and I adviced him not to. My older sister just saw it and told me all it was just a bunch of blood and sex. Knowing K. didn't want anything to do with sex right now, I told him what my sister told me. Immediately he said he was definitely going to see it now. "Hold up...what?!" That didn't make any sense, so I asked him why he would see it if he's trying to reform his life. "I'm still a guy..." "I'M STILL A GUY?! You've got to be kidding me," I thought. If you're trying not to have certain thoughts, then why would you go and see a movie with sexual content?



"It takes time, Lonely Heart. Change isn't going to happen in one week." I of all people know that. But you can start by not watching (I'm just going to call it what it is) porn. So the whole time I'm listening to him thinking, "He's a hypocrite." I didn't tell him that, yet now I'm thinking I should have. After that, he started calling me a lesbian. "So now he has to be rude." He said he was only kidding cause he knows I'm not, but why say something like that?

On another note, here's a song I started listening to and loved it immediately.

Well I'm in for an insanely busy week: Drama is five days a week now from 3-6, and some how I'll have to fit dance in on Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8. Oh and maybe fit homework somewhere in there.

Ugh I haven't been on in forever. I blame it all on finals, which took up all my time. The jury is still out on how I did on all of them though. This week has been tough, and it has definitely pushed me to my limits. By Thursday I was so out of it, and it was hilarious. I actually walked into a door after mentally telling myself I needed to open it. I'm just so glad they're over, but even with them being over there was no time to catch up on sleep. For the first time in Lonely Heart history, I went to a school fling thing. There was no guilt tripping involved; it was my choice.

The high school and junior high went to the high school basketball tournament and then bowling. It was a blast! I suck at bowling: I should win an award for most consecutive gutter balls. I almost got run over in the parking lot: I think God's trying to tell me something haha.Then I went back to a friends house with three other girls, and we watched The Incredible Hulk because we love Edward Norton. I slept through the first half of the movie haha.

The next day we all helped M. take care of the kids see was babysitting, and once they left it was time to get ready for drama. We're still working on choreography for all the songs. After that it was back to M's house to eat dinner and then leave to go to another basketball game. We went all out for this game. I put face paint on some of the girls' faces, so there was a bunch of us walking around with hand prints across our faces. I lost my voice cheering, and the gym was packed. Unfortunately, we lost, but it was still a lot of fun.

I have so much homework that I need to catch up on, and I really don't want to do it. After choosing to actually have a life for once, I'm finding it hard to give it up again for a life centered around school. I just have to make it through three more months.

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I do have some exciting news to share with you all. Last Tuesday I was talking to a friend, who told me I should try to help out back stage for the play in April. Try outs for the play were last week. I didn't think much about it until later that night. As I was thinking something occured to me: There's always this bond that forms between everyone who's involved with the play. and to some extent I've always wished to be a part of it. Plus being a part of the back stage crew would help me get to know everyone better. So off I went to talk to the director.

Earlier that day we had our concert dress rehearsal (don't worry this all ties in), and I had to swallow my fear and sing my solo in front of the whole school. It didn't go as bad as I thought. Anyways going back to that night, the director told me that I should just try out for the play. The play happens to be a musical, and after hearing me sing he saw no reason why I shouldn't. I frantically rushed off to find my sister, the assistant stage manager, to help me figure out what I needed to do. I couldn't have tried out without her help. She helped me prepare a song to sing for part of the audition. The song I chose was "All I Ask of You." Of course, I had to sing both Raoul and Christine's part.

During the try outs, I surprised myself: I wasn't nervous at all! I had to sing a song from the play and a song from The Sound of Music in front of everyone, and usually I shake like nobody's business. This time I didn't. Even more shocking was finding my name on the cast list the next day. The funny part about it all is I get to be a man haha. I'm the Duke from Huckleberry Finn. The first read through was on Monday, and I absolutely love my part!

Thursday night: The concert I was excitedly looking forward too. I was singing "That Yonge Child" by Benjamin Britten. The harpist accompanying me was amazing. Again, I wasn't feeling nervous: I told myself to breath, to have fun, and not to look at the people in the crowd. I get more nervous singing in front of people I know, so I was better off not recognizing a familiar face. I went down to sing my solo and made it through without shaking violantly. After the concert, I got a lot of "Wow I had no idea you could sing like that," "You sang like a friggin' opera," and "You gave me goose bumps."

Well I can honestly say now, if I didn't have a life before, I definitely wont have one now. I hope I make it through the next coming months.