Life was good, exciting, passionate. I was finally busy with school --still am. The last couple months have been better than I could have imaged all because of a boy. It happens to be my ex, and after two years I finally realized he's been there all along waiting for me to notice. But here I am once more telling you how bad things have gotten.

My boy and I are madly in love; it's as simple as that. I've been against the whole idea of getting married until now, and I've found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've even talked about it. And why is that so bad you may ask. The thing is we never really told our parents until a week ago. I don't know how many of you are familiar with courting, but it's the type of thing my religion advocates over recreational dating. Courting implies you go to the girl's dad first and ask permission to start pursue his daughter. We kinda skipped that step.

Through a certain event his parents found out. Not good. A meeting was set up between my dad, my boy, and his dad. My dad said yes to the relationship, but both dads wanted to slow things way down. Basically that means put the whole thing on pause for the next two or three years. There is to be no touching. No texting or callling each other. And even thought the parents won't admit it, no hanging out either (even in a group).

This past week has been one of the hardest. Separation isn't an easy thing. He's my best friend too, and now I can't even talk to him about anything that's going on. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel so empty.

Life was looking up --it's about to get worse.

They say the only thing harder than being in love is being alone.


I’ve thought about this, and I agree and disagree with that statement. I think it varies from person to person. Not everyone is going to take single-life so hard, and some people are going to take being in love like it was the most natural thing ever. There are always two sides to every story. Why does it have to be painful either way: It’s all a matter of point of view.


I think the statement above rings truer with women (not really sure how a guy would take it).


I’ve been around women who are freaking out because they’re thirty and still single. The problem is they don’t try to go meet single guys; they just sit around and hang out with married couples. Great way to meet Mr. Right. But maybe I’m being a little too hard on them. It must be hard watching all of your friends fall in love and walk down the aisle; every year that passes adds to the growing despair. Alone.


Looking at my own personal life, I thought I found love in the eyes of a then sixteen year old boy. Those five months were the best I’ve ever had, and I don’t regret a second of it. I got passed my whole commitment issue: I really did love this boy. Once it was over, I slowly moved on. Of course, it took a lot of distractions to do so. Sometimes I find myself wanting a boy to love, and other times I find myself praying for a lifetime of singlehood.


Maybe in the end both are bittersweet. Perhaps it will be a age-old mystery.


I guess I’m just an adultolescent who’s grabbing in the darkness for the answer. Is it so bad to be in love? Is it so bad to be alone?

I got my answer, and I didn’t even have to ask. You all may remember the content of my past post Why Worry?; well now I can tell you how it all ends. I decided not to ask J. if he liked me or not. Instead, I went to my dad and informed him that I was interested in J. Of course, my dad already suspected as much. My dad advised me not to do anything about it right now because we are both still young, and J is going off to college.


I thought that made sense, so I did nothing. I hadn’t seen J. for the past couple weeks: I’ve been working, and he’s been on multiple trips. Last Friday (T and J were throwing a grad party) was the first time I’d seen any of my friends in a while. Later on in the evening, J started to be touchy-feely with me –not to say I didn’t like that. He had his arm around me frequently, and I knew he had to like me.

I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing, yet everyone was still cautioning me not to get my hopes up or thinking too much about it. They were right. This morning J came up to me and told me he felt bad about being all touchy-feely with me. “I just want to be friends.”


Anger. Embarrassment. Disappointment. Sadness. Rejection. How could I be so blind? I’m a little mad if he was leading me on the whole time. I’m kicking myself for even beginning to hope that he was different. That I thought something great could come from liking him. But here I sit; hurt all over again. Now I’m glad I don’t see him often, and it’ll be easy to avoid him until he leaves. I won’t have to look into his eyes or feel him wrap his arms around me again. I don't understand why he didn't say anything sooner; this had been an ongoing occurrence.


To top it all off, I might be crazy enough to declare a vow of chastity. We’ll see.

In my English class, we were discussing the idea of Courtly Love. To the medieval knight, loving a woman didn't mean entering into some kind of physical relationship. In fact, they rarely ever saw each other. The knight saw the lady as a sort of inspiration and as a symbol of a virtue. It was even common to be married and look to another lady for inspiration. This is because once the knight proceeded to go beyond a courtly love and take on the vows marriage, the lady lost all her meaning to him. She becomes an ordinary human to him. The reality of this made me apply a similar idea to our modern culture.

We love the getting more than the having.

What I mean by this is we are so driven to get something, but once that thing is finally attained, it's not long before it loses all charm. This can be seen in a lot of different ways. Take Christmas for example: We ask for various gifts of which we most desperately want, and yet, after a month or so we don't care about them. We want bigger and better things. Relationships are the same way. You start liking a guy or girl and almost instantly you're set on having him or her. Feeling progress and begin to grow, and you're wait to either make the move or for the other person to make the move. But once you've been with the person for a couple weeks to a couple years, you are discontent with them.

All the action and thrill is in the getting.

Sure, this may not always be the case, but it often is. We satisfy our needs in that moment (however long that moment may be) and move on. This is just food for the thought.

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is fast approaching, I hope everyone has a wonderful time with friends and family. Wish me luck, I'm preparing the entire Thanksgiving meal. I hope it's edible.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I love watching Pride and Prejudice. I don't care if it's the 6 hour A&E version or the new one staring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfayden. I'm a sucker for romance movies. I watch Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, The Notebook, Phantom of the Opera, etc. over and over again. Somehow I never get tired of those movies. I love getting swept away in the moment and feeling every emotion then the sigh of relief when they realize that they're meant to be together. Although, when the movie ends, it's always bitter-sweet.

How many of us wish we could end up with the dashing young man aka a Mr. Darcy for example? I know I do. And perhaps that's why I find the endings bitter-sweet. The men are always so perfect even with their flaws. I wish there were more men like them in the world. Unfortunately I think they went into hiding a long time ago. Can I get a moment of silence?

Does the perfect man exist? Certainly not. But watching those movies make me not want to give my heart away to just any guy. Actually, I find myself jealous of those women who end up with the almost perfect men. Very jealous. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Partly it is my fault. Although, I’m almost kind of happy just "dreaming" of the perfect man. It would be nice to have the special someone, yet I honestly don’t think I can handle that kind of commitment. I guess I just answered my own question. I can’t find a guy like that because I don’ t try to find him, and I am ok with that.

Why fool yourself into thinking you can take on the responsibilities of a relationship? Why does every girl need to have a boyfriend? I finally thought all of this through: No I’m not ready for a relationship and I definitely do not need a boyfriend right now. I have to admit that guys just let me down; I’m expecting things to just be absolutely amazing, but then I realize it’s not going to be that way. The guy is never going to know exactly what to say and do when it’s appropriate; he’s always going to some character quality that just gets under your skin; he’s going to let you down. The perfect man is meant to only exist in the realm of imagination and fiction.

Am I a love cynic? The answer is YES!

Sorry that sounds so depressing, and sorry that this blog is all over the place.

Teens are always looking for someone to "fall in love" with, but end up getting crushed over and over again in the process. Why do we let ourselves go through that kind of emotional pain? I personally think that teens use the phrase "I love you" far too often. We're too young to know anything about love yet. I love you comes with commitment, and most of us aren't ready to face that. How can we learn anything about commitment when we're constantly breaking up and finding someone else. Granted, your high school bf(s)/gf(s) aren't going to be your soul mates. Also, I don't deny that some do truly feel strongly about their bf/gf, which translates into saying "I love you."

But how do you know when it's appropriate to say that? How do you know if what you're feeling is genuine? Is it determined by how long you're together or the bond you have? I honestly have no clue. I have been guilty of using that phrase too loosely, but there is one person that I feel I said it to and meant it. Story time...

We have a history...obviously. Unfortunately, I think I realized my feelings a little too late this time around. It's been one of those on again off again relationships that finally came to a halt at the beginning of the summer. It was a messy ending. I was scared I would never move on from him. We had tried to be friends, but it was too painful for me. Although, I never told him that. So I was glad, yet a little sad, when we no longer talked and ignored each other.

'"Because you never go from going out to being friends, just like that," I explained. "It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of the break up. And someone takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."' - This Lullaby
I read this in a book and thought it was actually true; it definitely lined up well with what had already happened. So I resolved not to get involved with him again. I did distract myself to the point where I thought I really was over him.

Until recently when a friend told me he still liked me. I immediately flipped out. For a couple days I toyed with the idea of being in a relationship with him again. But I psyched myself out, and was set on rejecting him. Of course now we were talking again, which made everything ever so more complicated for me. I knew very well that I emotionally couldn't handle this (I was in the midst of a mental break down). So when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't say anything in response. He soon figured out I was saying no and apologized for asking me. Words can't describe how wretched I felt.

Now we're back to trying to be friends, but the thing is I MADE A MISTAKE! Here's the ironic part: He already likes someone else. Mind you this was 3 days (more or less) after I "said" no. So I'm silently screaming, "I WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE PICK ME!" While at the same time thinking I should just keep quiet and let him date this other girl. Somehow I'll find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. The only problem is I ran out of duck tape a long time ago.

Outside all of this relationship mess, he's pretty much one of the best friends I've ever had. He knows me the best, he can easily read my mood, and cares about me. Yep I've put myself in the best situation...ha ha. I really have no choice: I've made my bed. The truth is I know things would be easier if we didn't talk, but I don't want that. Even considering that makes me feel like I would lose so much that way...a part of myself.