Room for Another Knife and Another Mistake.

Can a girl make anymore mistakes? I thought we were supposed to learn from them, and maybe I have in a way --just not what I expected to learn. I made yet another stupid decision, which may or may not cost me everything: It's only a matter of time before I find that out. What I'm about to disclose happened almost two weeks ago, and I've been dealing with drama ever since.

One night I was baby sitting, and I texted this one guy commenting on his Christmas tree because I passed by his house on the way. I honestly can't say what happened really because I'm still trying to figure it out. Out of the blue he starts strongly hinting at kissing me. A day later it happens. I didn't expect it at all. In fact, I was kinda against it happening especially given where it was going to take place: At school. But we kissed, and it was the most interesting thing ever. Not good or bad just weird. Immediately afterward I felt a twinge of guilt and absolute surprise. The guilt was because it wasnt even a month since I had stopped talking to P., and here I was kissing someone else. The surprise was because I was the one who ended up giving this guy his first kiss.

A couple days later he kept pushing me about when we were going to kiss again. I don't like being forced into doing things. It was at the school Christmas concert that he demanded to do it. I said no. This is when things started to get out of hand. My younger sister saw the whole thing, and came up to me asking, "Did he just tell you he liked you?" I wasn't going to lie to her. She started crying when I said R and I were kinda involved. I rushed her out of the room to explain everything to her and how bad I felt for doing it. I had no idea she still liked him; I was under the impression she's moved on. But I promised I would call the whole thing off that night. I couldn't be involved with someone my sister liked.

"R., we can't do this anymore."

"Ok. That's kinda good actually. Can I ask why?"

"I think all you see me as is the girl you get to kiss and nothing more."

I wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why I was calling the whole thing off. But then the truth came out: He fessed up to using me. I can't say that I was surprised or hurt by this because I had this small feeling from the beginning that that is what he was up to. He felt really bad about it and apologized several times. It was over. . . or so I thought. The next day after I got homr from my house cleaning job, D., my sister's friend, calls. My sister wasn't home, so I ended up talking to D. for a little bit. Suddenly she askes, "It was you with R. wasn't it?" Again, I wasn't going to lie about it so I answered yes.

Flashing back to the night of the concert, when I got home, my brother came to talk to me. He said he saw the whole thing between me and R. and wanted to know what I was going on. I told him, but made sure he understood this stayed between us. The next day I find out he told someone. The guy he told luckily was a friend of mine too. He assured me he wasn't going to let the cat out of the bag, and I trusted him.

Saturday morning I wake up with a text from R saying he wanted to talk to me about something. He started asking me if I wanted to be the only girl he cared about because I liked me and wanted me to like him. What? I was....I was screwed. After some fancy foot work, I manage to hold him off and have us just be friends for a long while knowing he wouldn't stick around. Later I receive another text from him asking me if I told anyone because this girl found out and told him. This girl happened to like him not too long ago, but they both decided not to do anything. Now I'm trying to figure out who of the four people told T.

I start asking D., and she tells me it wasn't her. My sister asks her four times and gets to same answers. We're both very suspicious of her because D. doesn't have to best track record with keeping things a secret. I asked the other guy who knew: He promised I could trust him. R. then asked me to not talk to him very much. I thought that was really odd, but I didn't really care. I did, however, care that people were lying to me. D. admitted the next day she was the one who told T.

I thought it was all over, and I wouldn't have to worry about this whole situation again. Ha ha ha. On Monday, my sister told me that yet another person found out about what happened. The guy I thought I could trust told J., another girl with a notoriously big mouth. I wasn't mad just really hurt. Were people havng a contest to see how many knives they could stick in my back? I asked him why he would betray my trust like that. He insisted I could trust her because she was his best friend, and she knows everything about him. That still doesn't give him reason to tell her something that isn't even about him.

If she tells, this is only going to get worse. If it spreads around my school, there is a chance R and I could get suspended. Plus, coupled with the other previous really stupid thing I did with P., my life would be over. Not that I probably don't deserve it.

What I've learned from my mistake is that I should say 'no' a whole lot more, and I can't trust anyone.