Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Trick or Treat

Oh it's that time of year again: The time when you finally accept that Fall is here (at least for me). Let's break out the pumpkins, ghosts, witches, and cobwebs, set a bowl of candy by the door, and cuddle close to or friends or family while watching a scary movie. Little kids (and some not-so-little kids) run around neighbor hoods filling up pillow cases of candy. It's time to make the yearly trip to a haunted house or corn maze. You can literally taste the excitement in the air. Party stores stock up on various halloween costumes, which are nearly snatched up instanely. Anything goes tomorrow night.

Last year was the Third time I went trick or treating (shocking, I know). I went with two friends and my sister. I nearly froze, but still had a ton of fun.

Here we all are, cute as ever. Starting from left to right: Me the fairy, my amazing friend R. the cat, my sister M. the...well we're not exactly sure what she is...and K. the 80's dancer. Of course, everyone thought I was a butterfly: It annoyed the heck out of me. I would mutter to the group, "Omg! I'm a fairy!" To which they would reply, "Um you look like a butterfly." Oh well. Other then that, some odd things happened, and then we quickly went back to K's house to watch The Messangers and warm up. The year, however, I'm not going to be something as cutesy. I am going to be a dead school girl. Interesting...I think yes.

What's everyone else going to be?

Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Escape With Me.

I used to hate reading with a passion. I read boring school books 24/7, so doing any personal reading was a definite no. I had been doing some personal reading, but once I finished a book I wouldn't pick up another one for a very long time. That was until a year ago when I finally picked up Twilight. I'm not an avid reader yet, but I love reading. I have developed a habit (I guess you could call it that) where I have to go buy all my books. For some reason owning them is better than getting them from a library. I just have to know they're mine. I love the new book smell and the feel of the pages between my eager fingers. I believe my favorite place to go is a book store. I'm like a little kid in a candy store every time I go. Unfortunately with all the books I was buying, it kinda put a hole in my parents' pocket.

I enjoy the momentary escape from reality: To enter into the character's world. The best writers can get the reader to feel everything the characters feel. And trust me, it's hilarious to be around me when I read. I will literally sit there and make comments about what's going on as if it was actually real. I get excited, sad, nervous or whatever emotion comes across the pages. And when the book is done I'm beside myself: I almost wish I had never read those last few pages. It's an odd feeling when you're excited to finish a book, but at the same time wishing it would never end.

I'm not a fast reader: It takes me at least a week or two to finish a large book. But I almost like it better that way. I can enjoy them longer. In fact, I used to carry a book around with me in my purse. You never know when an opportunity to read would present itself. I did finish one book in a day; I started Sisters of Misery on the way home from vacation, and didn't put it down till I was done. And now as winter approaches, I'm euphoric to sit infront of the fire with a cup of cider and read. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tag. You're It.


Top four wishes:
1) That life you would start making sense.
2) That I could switch schools next year.
3) I really need a job.
4) I wish my family would get things back together

Four places I want to travel to:
1) Germany
2) Scotland or just make that the British Isles
3) Russia
4) Iceland

Four careers I want to be involved in:
1) Massage Therapist
2) Hair colorist
3) Physical Therapist
4) and something having to wish art. Not sure what though.

Four things I would like God to say at the Gates of Heaven:
1) Welcome my good and falithful servant.
2) Come walk with me.
3) Let me show you the place I have set aside for you.
4) I love you (sounds cheesy, but coming for Him...need I say more).

Here are my 4 victims for this tag:
(I guess I can't tag roxy since cady tagged her...)
1) Nicole Linette
2) --Silly--Jedi--
3) Skippy
4) jocelyn

Sunday, October 19, 2008

It's just one of those times...

This weekend has been an interesting one to say the least. Friday was one of those ok days with a few highlights. We almost burned the school down in Chemistry class. I'll explain. We were doing a burning experiment except we didn't exactly have the proper equipment. So we lit rubbing alcohol on fire (smart, I know). I don't know if any of you know, but different salts burn different colors. I can't remember all the ones we tried; my favorite was Lithium Chloride. When burned, it turns the flame a hue of magenta. After awhile, my teacher thought it would be fun to lit a napkin on fire by dipping a small glass rode into the alcohol and putting onto the napkin. Well, the napkin didn't get damaged by the flame only cause it lasted for a couple seconds. So he proceeded to pour the rubbing alcohol onto a paper plate. As he was pouring, the fire burned him, so the alcohol went all over the table and floor. The sad thing was we all sat there watching it for the longest time. Finally my friend took out her water bottle, so we could put out the fire. Next on the list of events planned for Friday was a college lecture on Westmont. Westmont's college advisor was in the area, so she was invited to come to my school and speak. I'm all for going to college in Santa Barbara, but the whole Christian undergraduate liberal arts thing isn't my cup of tea. Why would I want to go to a College that's almost exactly like my school? I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in my high school went there. It's like the new NSA or Biola to them.

Now I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but yesterday night I made an exception. My family decided to sit down and watch Frankenstein, and as soon as that started I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to hang out, so I went. Yeah two guys and one girl isn't exactly the best thing. I mostly just sat there while they talked about crew and cars. I mean it was fun to get out of the house, but it also kinda taught me a little bit about myself. Funny how certain situations can do that. I'm SO different now. I don't like putting myself in situations where I'm just there to take up space. And the truth of the matter is, that's what happens most of the time. I'm not loud, outgoing, or all that funny. Friday night was just really eye opening. I only like hanging out with people I have something in common with. I love the guys I was hanging out with, but there was this obvious feeling to me that I didn't belong there.

Life really doesn't love me right now. I had a dance competition yesterday, which I was insanely nervous for. I thought I had packed everything in my dress bag, but I soon realized when I got there that I didn't have my kilt socks or my blouse. I was so upset with myself. The hard part was not dancing my first two dances and having to tell my teacher what happened. Something like this happened to me at my last competition, and the only thing that saved me from sitting out was that my teacher ran that competition. I'm not proud of this, but I cried three different times: That's how upset I was with myself. At the same time, I now know why there are only dance moms and very few dance dads. My mom had to work, so my dad had to take me to my competition. He was so antsy to leave. So I left before awards. I don't think I got anything though.

In other news, my dad decided not to take on another job, and I definitely don't agree with his reasoning on that one.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Just Listen.

If you haven't heard of Imogen Heap, I would strongly recommend listening to them. Please listen to the song and tell me your thoughts. How does it make you feel? It makes me feel pensive, and I love the silence after listening to it. I don't know how else to explain it.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

You have bewitched me, body and soul.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I love watching Pride and Prejudice. I don't care if it's the 6 hour A&E version or the new one staring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfayden. I'm a sucker for romance movies. I watch Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, The Notebook, Phantom of the Opera, etc. over and over again. Somehow I never get tired of those movies. I love getting swept away in the moment and feeling every emotion then the sigh of relief when they realize that they're meant to be together. Although, when the movie ends, it's always bitter-sweet.

How many of us wish we could end up with the dashing young man aka a Mr. Darcy for example? I know I do. And perhaps that's why I find the endings bitter-sweet. The men are always so perfect even with their flaws. I wish there were more men like them in the world. Unfortunately I think they went into hiding a long time ago. Can I get a moment of silence?
Does the perfect man exist? Certainly not. But watching those movies make me not want to give my heart away to just any guy. Actually, I find myself jealous of those women who end up with the almost perfect men. Very jealous. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Partly it is my fault. Although, I’m almost kind of happy just "dreaming" of the perfect man. It would be nice to have the special someone, yet I honestly don’t think I can handle that kind of commitment. I guess I just answered my own question. I can’t find a guy like that because I don’ t try to find him, and I am ok with that.
Why fool yourself into thinking you can take on the responsibilities of a relationship? Why does every girl need to have a boyfriend? I finally thought all of this through: No I’m not ready for a relationship and I definitely do not need a boyfriend right now. I have to admit that guys just let me down; I’m expecting things to just be absolutely amazing, but then I realize it’s not going to be that way. The guy is never going to know exactly what to say and do when it’s appropriate; he’s always going to some character quality that just gets under your skin; he’s going to let you down. The perfect man is meant to only exist in the realm of imagination and fiction.
Am I a love cynic? The answer is YES!
Sorry that sounds so depressing, and sorry that this blog is all over the place.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

This month isn't looking so good. Already life has given me a bigger taste of reality then I can handle. Exactly what I needed...not. I know every now and then it's needed, but when it makes everything look like there's no way out, please don't bother if that makes sense. My family is in over our heads in financial difficulties, and things aren't looking so good. I'm glad that they're letting me know what's going on, yet at the same time it's tough because I can't help or do anything about it. My mom teaches at my school, then goes to work at a grocery store right after she gets off. Now my dad has gotten a second job, which he will do every weekend for the rest of this year. After that, he can choose when and what days he works. All of this just to make ends meet. It is now offically my job to run the house.

It’s not my parents’ fault that we’re in this mess; it’s my sisters’ fault. I love them to death, but they haven’t made things any easier for my parents. My parents are doing everything they can for my sisters like paying their car bill, etc. if they don’t have the money; we can’t do all that much though. My oldest sister moved away in March, leaving behind a massive debt. She’s paying it off, but this guy kept calling and calling us. Eventually, we had to change our phone number. This guy kept insisting that my mom had to pay off the debt; even though, she had faxed documentation showing that the debt was my sister’s, and that she was paying and had been paying it off. This hasn’t satisfied him. Apparently, if my mom doesn’t take immediate action now, they are going to have to take legal action against her. IT’S NOT EVEN HER FING DEBT!

As for my other sister, she’s a bit of a shopaholic. She really doesn’t know how to manage her money. She recently moved to an apartment with three other girls to be closer to her college. Oh dear, more irony. She can’t even pay the rent. I’ve loaned her money (remember, I don’t have a job) to help her with some previous payments, but this time neither me nor my younger sister nor my parents could do anything to help her. One day when she came back home (she comes home a lot); I asked her why she even moved out. It would be better for her if she just moved back home. She just gave me this look, and I knew what she meant. She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t want to: She finally had her “freedom.” To make matters worse, she got hit by a car. They were going to pay for her to get her car fixed, but then she was getting billed for it. I still don’t know exactly why. Today, she totals her car. It’s her fault this time. Guess who pays for her car: My parents.

Snowball effect in action. Not the prettiest thing ever.

I really need to take a mental health day. I think that apathy is a terrible thing to have: It’s like a disease. Of course, I just happen to have apathy and lethargy, among other things. I know what I have to do, and I do it because I have to. But school is definitely taking a lot out of me now. It’s more my private school not Connections: If anything, Connections is where I want to be. I rarely ever speak in class anymore because I no longer care. This sounds really bad, but as I read this, I’m being really vague. Not on purpose. A friend asked me if I was ok (again what is with that question?!) because I didn’t say a word in English class, and I actually told her that I just didn’t care. It’s very unusual for me to not speak in English, but I haven’t been for the past two weeks. I think it’s because my heart (so to speak) is no longer there. I can push myself through the rest of the school year, doing the things required of me, but it’s not going to be enjoyable or pretty.

As for things at home, I’m literally drowning in all things I have to do. I’m needed more then ever now, but I just wish I could get away from it all. A vacation is definitely needed. My younger sister has once again started judging me. In my mind, she’s little Miss Righteous. We have our moments, but mostly our relationship isn’t that great. Yesterday, I was telling her how I didn’t like that out 13 year old brother had a facebook now cause all he would do is chat online and mostly to girls. Immediately she snapped back at me saying I was no better because all I do is talk to boys. I told her no that’s not the case. And even if I do, they’re my friends. Well after awhile, out of the blue she said that our parents were right in not trusting me because they shouldn’t. I didn’t let on to this, but that hurt. And to make matters worse, she thinks she knows my every motive for doing things when in reality, she know nothing. She doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling right now. The thing that makes me laugh is the fact that she wants to be told about things that are going on, but I can’t do that with out getting mocked or made fun of or down right judged.

I was asked how I manage 11 classes, so I answer that question. I do all my private school work during the week, and get my Wednesday assignments early, so I can get some things done ahead. I do all my Connections assignments on the weekends plus whatever assignments I get from my other school. I guess it’s about time I learned time management haha.

I have another homework filled three day weekend...goodie.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

October Madness

I have no clue what's going on with me anymore. I feel so withdrawn lately, and I don't just want to blame it on lack of sleep or too much homework or something like that. My Rhetoric teacher asked my friend and I if something was going on because we didn't seem to be our usual selves. This was probably more directed towards me because my teacher has the uncanny ability to always sense when something might be wrong in my life. I hadn't really thought much about how withdrawn I felt until she asked. Of course, then I started racking my brain trying to find a reason why. What's more annoying then not being able the express yourself when something is wrong, is when you can't really explain to yourself what's going on.

Well, I guess an update of what's been going on with me is in order. School takes up 95% of my time, but so far I'm surviving. I recently dropped my WA State History class in favor of an American Lit class. I'm happy with my decision, and it looks like it will be an great class. I had the dreaded picture day this past Wednesday at Connections. Yeah...I've haven't taken a good school picture ever. Oh well I guess. Maybe my pictures will turn out better at my other school's picture day. Oh, another thing I decided on doing is cutting my hair off yet again. Right now it's the longest it's ever been in a year, but it's really annoying. It's nice when it curls right, but that isn't very often (yes, I have naturally curly hair). If I do cut my hair off (hopefully this weekend), I wont be able to put it up for my competition = /.

Ugh. Ok so not only am I taking on 11 classes, but I also play mom at home. My mom is working two jobs just to make ends meet, so she's never really home any more. This morning she was running around the house yell at me for not keeping things cleaner. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT?! I don't have all the time in the world to make sure the house is absolutely spotless. And it's not like I get that much help from anyone else. I'm doing my best... I try to get dinner on the table every night, and I try to keep up on the laundry, and I try to clean the house as best I can. But I can't stress this enough, I really don't have a lot of time. Now my dad has a second job. Things get worse before they get better, right? I sure hope so.

Well I have a three day weekend this week that is going to be filled with homework...oh joy.