Sunday, August 31, 2008

Can I have a Band-aid please?

I've known about my dad's stomach problem for awhile now, but I finally learned how serious it is just a few hours ago. I don't know exactly what he has, or how fatal it could be. What I do know is that he is going to go to the doctor to find out how much of whatever is in his stomach can be removed. That is, if they can remove it at all. I really don't want to think about what could happen if they can remove anything. My dad has to be there for be at my graduation, then my college graduation. Celebrate getting my first job, possibly walk me down the aisle, spend every holiday walking down memory lane, and watch rediculously old detective shows with me. He just needs to be there; it's as simple as that.

Maybe I'm just over reacting. Of course there is the possibility that I'm not. For one thing, my parents have only told my two older sisters, and not the rest of us. Perhaps it's so we wont worry so much. I for one would still like to know. Now every time I see him I just want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. That I never meant all the hurtful things I've said; That I'm sorry for the way I've acted; That I'm sorry for causing so much trouble,

Saturday, August 30, 2008

He loves me. He loves me not.

Teens are always looking for someone to "fall in love" with, but end up getting crushed over and over again in the process. Why do we let ourselves go through that kind of emotional pain? I personally think that teens use the phrase "I love you" far too often. We're too young to know anything about love yet. I love you comes with commitment, and most of us aren't ready to face that. How can we learn anything about commitment when we're constantly breaking up and finding someone else. Granted, your high school bf(s)/gf(s) aren't going to be your soul mates. Also, I don't deny that some do truly feel strongly about their bf/gf, which translates into saying "I love you."

But how do you know when it's appropriate to say that? How do you know if what you're feeling is genuine? Is it determined by how long you're together or the bond you have? I honestly have no clue. I have been guilty of using that phrase too loosely, but there is one person that I feel I said it to and meant it. Story time...

We have a history...obviously. Unfortunately, I think I realized my feelings a little too late this time around. It's been one of those on again off again relationships that finally came to a halt at the beginning of the summer. It was a messy ending. I was scared I would never move on from him. We had tried to be friends, but it was too painful for me. Although, I never told him that. So I was glad, yet a little sad, when we no longer talked and ignored each other.

'"Because you never go from going out to being friends, just like that," I explained. "It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of the break up. And someone takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."' - This Lullaby
I read this in a book and thought it was actually true; it definitely lined up well with what had already happened. So I resolved not to get involved with him again. I did distract myself to the point where I thought I really was over him.

Until recently when a friend told me he still liked me. I immediately flipped out. For a couple days I toyed with the idea of being in a relationship with him again. But I psyched myself out, and was set on rejecting him. Of course now we were talking again, which made everything ever so more complicated for me. I knew very well that I emotionally couldn't handle this (I was in the midst of a mental break down). So when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't say anything in response. He soon figured out I was saying no and apologized for asking me. Words can't describe how wretched I felt.

Now we're back to trying to be friends, but the thing is I MADE A MISTAKE! Here's the ironic part: He already likes someone else. Mind you this was 3 days (more or less) after I "said" no. So I'm silently screaming, "I WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE PICK ME!" While at the same time thinking I should just keep quiet and let him date this other girl. Somehow I'll find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. The only problem is I ran out of duck tape a long time ago.

Outside all of this relationship mess, he's pretty much one of the best friends I've ever had. He knows me the best, he can easily read my mood, and cares about me. Yep I've put myself in the best situation...ha ha. I really have no choice: I've made my bed. The truth is I know things would be easier if we didn't talk, but I don't want that. Even considering that makes me feel like I would lose so much that way...a part of myself.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


This is something I've been struggling with since summer began. Are some people meant to be alone? To feel detached from everyone and everything? I hate that feeling, but should I really start accepting it? I just want to belong somewhere...anywhere. Yet the more I try to find that place, the more I drift away. I just want someone to come find me, and tell me I'm not alone. The harsh reality is that I've never fit in. I'm the different one: Different at school, at home, with friends. This begs the question: What's wrong with me? I'm not going to lie, but I do like being alone sometimes, and it's all most preferable in my house. So have I done this to myself? I'm literally coasting through life; Not in a surreal sense, but in a horrible nightmarish kind of way. Am I the only one who feels this way?
I can't really explain this right, so you might be in for another post like this sometime down the road.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Now that word just about makes every teenager run for fear. Unless you have a great relationship with your parents, which I suspect most don't. I, for one, do not have the greatest relationship. If you're like me, the more you're parents don't know the better. I'm scared to death to even let them know what's going on in my life. Every time I do open up, I immediately regret it. Yes they love me no matter what, but they're also very disappointed with me a lot of the time. I don't like disappointing people; unfortunately that's pretty much what always happens. Nothing confuses me more than parents. They want to know everything, and say they're not going to flip out. Low and behold, they do. At least my parents are like that. Anywho.
The point of this blog is how parent take out their anger (if any parent happens to read this blog, my apologies). Sometimes, not all the time, they try not to blow up. Yet somehow that always leads to them taking out they're anger on everyone else. I find that rather ironic. Instead of dealing with the problem right then and there, they choose to make everyone miserable. Why is that? Thoughts please?
Don't get me wrong here: I'm not complaining. I'm just very befuddled. Kudos to all you parents out there. They go through more than us teenagers give them credit for.

Oh no not another newbie blogger!

Hi! I'm Kirsten Kaustic, and this would be my blog. Let's see here...what are some essential facts you need to know? I love to dance, but I mostly do Highland dance. I keep to myself. Emotions suck, so I spend most of the time trying to hide what I'm really feeling. I AM RANDOM! I love my friends; although, most don't really know the true me. They would if they actually took the time. Erm...I go to a private school, and to be honest I hate it there. I need eyeliner or I will explode. I hate silence, which results in me always listening to music (I listen to pretty much everything). Long story short: I'm explosive.