Thursday, June 25, 2009


I hear this over and over again, "What are your goals for the summer." I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish, and finally some things start coming to mind.

  • Be more open with my parents (toughest by far).
  • Have a Thesis topic by the end of the summer with good sources.
  • Try to get my life in order.
  • Find someone I'm not afraid to talk to if all else fails with my parents.
  • At least place once at a competition.
  • Get my license.
  • Work at least seven days a week.
  • Follow up to the previous one: Find as much time as possible to spend with friends
  • Figure out what the heck is up with J. before he leaves.

Those are just a couple that I came up with; I'm sure there will be more as the summer progresses. Who knows if I'll be able to accomplish them all by the end of summer, but I'm willing to give it my best.

What are your goals this summer?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Why Worry?

I'll touch on this subject once again: Guys and those pesky, yet lovable things called relationships. The more I think about them, the more the question 'why worry?' flashes across my mind. We spend so much time worrying over guys, which ones like us, which ones don't, or who's cute or not. We get so caught up in thinking about having a relationship. Trust me, I sound critical, but I'm one of those girls who has one to many romantic ideals. Every romantic movie I see or book I read just makes me want to find someone special that much more, which makes me worry that much more.

Does he like me? Maybe I'm misreading the signals. Are there any signals? Once again I am swept away by a guy; he was in the play with me this year, and I really spent a lot of time with him. It kind of made attraction inevitable. Of course, I thought he only considered me as a friend or at least I thought so until the beginning of summer. I went to a party at a friend's house to burn a bunch of school papers we no longer wanted. He was at the party. Instantly he was at my side and put his arm around my waist, even though, there we were standing in a group. When we all went out to the fire, he did the same thing. We just stood there holding each other by the waist. He was the one who dropped my sister and I off at home, but not without hugging me twice before I went inside. I asked my sister if she thought he liked me: She said no.

Since then it's been the same sort of situation: Instead of hugging me, he holds me (multiple times I might add). If we're in a group, he often moves to stand next to me. Then there are the times were he holds me by the waist. I really want to say he likes me, yet I'm hesitant to make the assumption. It obvious to everyone else and their dogs that I like him. Does he realize that? I asked my older sister what she thought. After hearing what's been going on, she said J. was just a touchy-feely guy, so it might not be anything. After discussing the subject with B. (a girl in his class), she said he's never really done that with any other girl. Well this is confusing.

I'm waiting for him to say something. At the same time, I'm realizing he might not say anything. He's leaving for college at the end of the summer, and there are other things that complicate the matter. I won't go into detail. Knowing this, I shouldn't get all worried. Right?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

18 Year Old Rebellion.


I didn't want things to get to this point so soon. In the words of my dad, "You're in a funk. What's wrong?" I paste a smile on my face and assure him that I'm just fine. No need to worry. Or is there? I've been really angry lately: Angry at everyone. Mostly at my parents though. It all started with me wanting to wear a pair of shorts; my dad almost had a heart attack when I was about to walk out of the house. This is when I discovered that having long legs are, in fact, a curse. So it looks like I'll be wearing jeans all summer. I'm just waiting for them to finally decide that skinny jeans are no longer appropriate attire as well. I don't see what the issue is; it's not like I'm going out of the house looking like a total slut or something. But my dad's reason is, "I'm doing this to protect you and your reputation." Eventually I'm might accept that. I know he probably means well.

Since then it's been a constant battle with everyone --or just my family. I miss being around everyone: I don't want to sit at home and just hang around the family. At the end of school, I thought it would be great not to have to see anyone until September. Wrong. The first week of summer break I spent everyday with friends from school. Now I'm look ahead thinking this is the only month I have to hang out with everyone. Starting in the middle of July, I'm moving in with my grandparents because of I job I got. I'll maybe come home on weekends. That really depends on whether or not I get a part time job at this kennel my sister works at. It already feels like I have to say good bye to everyone, and summer is ending.

Am I in a funk? Definitely yes.

Why am I angry? I really have no clue. I don't know. Is it possible to just be angry --to be sad for no reason? I think I'm using most of what I said at the beginning of this blog as an excuse, or using it as fuel for a fire that was already there. I've got to get over this somehow because it's now ruining the good start to my summer.


That was me a couple days ago. I've forgotten how bad my mood swings can be; now I'm happy and up beat and loving most everything. One thing I realized after I snapped out of my funk is how overrated 18 year old rebellion is. Do we expect anything to be accomplished by it? If you do, I'm sorry to say nothing ever is accomplished by being rebellious --at any age really.

My dad recently told me a story about this girl, who was angry at her parents because they wouldn't let her go out late at night. She went to her friend's house hoping to stay the night, but her friend's mother told the girl to go back home and, basically, obey her parents. The girl left her friends house with no intention of going home. In the neighborhood, she ran into the wrong guy: The girl ended up dead. Yes, this doesn't happen every time we're rebellious, but this is the exact thing our parents are trying to protect us from. So my not being able to wear shorts is probably one of the best things my parents can do for me.

This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time, but this doesn't mean I'm going to be the perfect kid in the meantime. I still have a long way to go, and I'm ready to work at changing. If I want to be considered and treated like an adult, I'm going to have to act maturely. Rebellion only shows your parents and the people around that you actually immature.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.

Art is how I escape. When I'm sketching, I'm in my own reality and creating a story behind the pictures. Lately, I've been trying to escape as often as I can. Anime is not the only thing I like to draw, but right now it's one of my favorites: It's different. The eyes are a whole heck of a lot easier to draw than human eyes haha. Someone recently asked me what my favorite thing about drawing was. I told him my favorite part was when I was beginning to shade in whatever I'm drawing. In the beginning stage most of the drawing is still white with only (let's say) the clothes shaded in. It looks as if the picture is slowly coming to life.Most of these pictures take me about a week to a day to finish; it really depends on how long I can go without being disturbed. The one above was my first anime drawing, and it took my a day to finish. I'll probably switch things upon later one this summer and draw some more complicated subjects. I think it was last summer that I printed out these amazing pictures of the Seven Deadly Sins, so I think I will actually try to finish them all this summer.

My dad wanted me to draw him something for his office, but I can hardly imagine this hanging on his wall. I chose this one to give to him because it reminded me of myself and two other sisters. Starting from left to right, me, M., and S. The eldest is not pictured, but the last picture kinda reminds me of her. Each of the girls reminds me of our different personalities. The joke would be that we're all in uniform.
Don't worry this one is supposed to be upside down. You all should try this sometime: Take a picture and draw it upside down. Of course, you'll have t leave it that way because the picture will look wrong if you flip it right side up. I have to give credit to Mrs. H. She taught me how to sketch in 9th grade. Since then I haven't had an art class, which is why I stick to pencil instead of color. But I wouldn't mind becoming somewhat of a Jackson Pollock; although, I don't know how people would respond to more paintings like that. I might try that this summer too; it would be fun.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

How Will You Be Remembered?


I don't mean after you die, but more after you leave high school. This is the summer of my Senior year, and I have to face all sorts of questions. The biggest one is: How will I be remembered? I have some big shoes to fill thanks to the Class of 2009. I love them to death and wish they weren't leaving, and, yet, I'm eager to take my place as a Senior. Not only am I eager, but I'm also scared. A lot of change has to take place over the summer. I have to abandon my "Loner" status. I can't sit back passively and watch my Senior year go by without leaving my mark.

I now have to get to know everyone in the secondary. This means the annoying sevies and wedgies. I can't stand junior high immaturity, so we'll see how this goes. I have to get outside of my comfort zone and be a leader. It has pissed me off so much that M. (a girl in my class) has gotten all the attention. She's the go-to-girl. To be honest, no one really notices what I notice: Her whole show is somewhat fake. Now I didn't come on here to disrespect a classmate, but to tell you what I'm up against. I'm the scary, silent type. You see me walk down the halls, and I don't have a smile plastered to my face. When my face is relaxed, I look like I'm about to kill people. I can't really help that one. But that's what people assume: That I'm mad at everyone. They don't know me. So this summer is a perfect time to let the secondary get to know the real LonelyHeart. Well --they'll know me to a certain extent. No one really knows me. Not even M., who's known me for the past ten years.

But I don't want this year to be a big rivalry between M. and I. I don't want it to be that way; although, to some extent she's already made it that way. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
My second concern is the Junior class --my sister's class. I'm not really concerned about her, but more three other girls in that class. They're the ones who will try to take over the Senior position, and that can't happen.

I'm just nervous about so much changing, and so quickly too. I have to do a complete 180 if this next school year is going to be my year. I'm excited and scared. Part of me says, "Bring it on," and part of me says,"Holy crap! What am I getting in to?" It all comes down to how do I want to be remembered. I want to be remembered as someone who was fun to hang out with, but someone you could turn to for anything. I don't want to be that person who people feel was just putting on a show: I don't want to be fake. I want other students to look at me and say that they were glad they knew me; that somehow I changed they're lives a little bit. I want so much from my Senior year.

How do I get it all done?