I don't know what it is that happens, but somehow life just seems go into the dreaded snowball effect. "Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over." That's a mantra I use often. Just when you think you might a good grasp on life, something starts spiraling out of control. I wish things were simpler: Maybe then I could understand why certain things had to happen. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize things only get more complicated (surprise surprise).

It's time to learn how to deal with life. Now where to begin...

Right now, I feel like curling up in bed so I can cry: I'm forcing back tears as I type. I think it's about that time when I finally break down. I just feel so lost; even though, I act like I have it all together. Inside, insecurity is eating me alive. I have to stop acting like every thing's ok when I know it isn't. I push everything away, then when the pressure gets to be more than I can take I break, pick up the pieces, and start the whole process again. Not once have I actually tried to confront myself. Why am I still trying to fool myself? I know something's wrong.

I see everyone around me trying to become a better person, but what am I doing? Nothing. Becoming bitter cause I'm too immature to actually deal with things.

On a more positive note, thank you Lenore for the recent blog award! I will try to pass that around asap.

Hmmm I'm getting really good at losing friends. Who would've thunk it? Of course right now I'm not exactly sure, but I'm pretty positive that I'm going to be saying good bye to yet another friendship. So much for all the time and effort I put into it. So much for getting close to someone again. So much for trying to be there no matter what. Another failed attempt, and another person I will never be able to move on from. By now you probably want me to get on with things and just tell you what's going on.

Things between me and K. have been somewhat strained recently. I don't really understand what happened or if anything actually happened. Maybe it's just one of those "we're growing a part" kind of things. It's been really rocky all of last week, and this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back (well my back really).

He went to this thing called Disciple Now at his church. And I guess something really moved him. Last night I received this text from him telling me that he had changed. He said he wouldn't swear and do other things I wont mention ever again. My reaction was very mixed. On the one hand, I was really happy for him, but at the same time I was think "Good luck with that: You'll need it." Another thought that occurred simultaneously was "He's not going to be all that fun to talk to anymore." His new found change meant that I would have to change the way I am when I talk to him if that makes sense. Well I didn't text him back...

And there has been no communication since. I feel bad about the whole thing really. I just kind of don't know what to do cause I feel like we're not on the same page anymore.

Please do not judge me over this: I know what I did was horrible, but I didn't know what else to do. I just hope that this will be a lesson to whoever reads this to not do what I did today.

I guess this is my 50th post as well.

I went over to my N's house yesterday and watched movies. The Omen is yet another lame movie: It wasn't even scary. It's tradition to watch a funny movie right after a scary one (or not-so-scary one as the case often is), so we watch Scary Movie. LAME! It was actually really disturbing more than funny. We went to sleep at 11, which is also a first considering most of the time we finally crash at around 2 or 3 in the morning. When we woke up, we decided to go to the mall and just chill. Perfect timing because today happens to be my brother's birthday, so I went shopping for his present.

N. has a license, but her six months isn't up yet, so she can't drive anyone except family. We sat in her truck while she called her mom over and over again. No answer. Her mom was supposed to take me home, and N. was supposed to go to dance. At 3:00, N. decided just to drive me home. Yes, I know that it was illegal.

That being said, what happened next was icing on the cake. (note the sarcasm). We were at a three way stop, and she started to pull forward when out of no where a white car practically appeared in front of us. She hit the passenger's side really good. There was glass all over the road, and the other car was totaled. Both of us freaked out. What we were doing was already illegal, and now we were in an accident. Immediately I told N. that I had to leave. I couldn't be there when the cops came. WRONG MOVE ON MY PART! She agreed. I took my stuff and left. I felt so bad for leaving her, and should have just stayed no matter what the consequences were. I went back to the mall and called my dad to come pick me up. While I was waiting for him, I heard sirens and saw that police, a fire truck, and an ambulance were surrounding the accident.

I quickly texted my friend and told her to call me later. She texts back and said there were 30+ witnesses who saw me leave, and that made things worse. Right as I read that a cop walked right in front of me. I got the hell out of there. There were cops looking for me, and I was scared shitless. I took off the bright blue coat I was wearing, put up my hair, and sat in the in a secluded area. I texted K. cause I needed someone to talk to. My dad finally came and I started to calm down. We even passed by the accident.... When I got home N called me. As it turns out, she saw no point in denying I was there, so she told the police and because she was honest they took it off her ticket. She also gave them my cell number and told me they might call. I guess the officer was really nice and even the paramedics were joking about how big N's truck is.

The officer understood that we were scared about what had happened, and said in the future that I should remain at the scene of an accident. "DUH!" is probably what you're all thinking, and you're right. I was an idiot for leaving.

It is my personal opinion that if you want any relationship to work you must have honesty. Honesty is a hard thing: It doesn't come naturally to most people. Sometimes being honest with another person means stepping on their toes. I think it's worse to keep something from another person, then it is to tell them. At least if you tell the person, you can work things out. Can you do that if you keep what is bugging you to yourself? Absolutely not. Yet how come this is how most people are? They choose to tell everyone else except the very person the issue concerns. I read this book by Sarah Dessen called Just Listen (I strongly recommend reading it), and in the book was a boy named Owen. Owen was the type of person who is committed to telling the truth no matter the cost. I want more people to be like that.

Well you all know about my friend K. Prepare yourselves, you're in for a small rant. One night he called me, and it was so obvious that he was sad about something. I asked him what it was hoping I could help through whatever was bugging. He wouldn't tell me a single thing. I kinda got a little fed up with it cause I was already depressed and couldn't handle him being sad too. The next day he texts my saying he was happy: This made me happy too. But once we got on the phone, he wasn't happy at all. Again I asked him what was wrong, and pushed a little harder for information. All he would say is he was confused about stuff, The conversation ended quickly after that. For some weird reason I got the feeling his problem somehow involved me, which would explain why he wouldn't tell me anything.

I'm not one for assumptions, so I just tucked that thought away. I started talking to another friend, and eventually I spilled about my depressive mood and the enigmatic situation between me and K. I shared with him my idea. He said, "that's the other way i think it was going but i didn't want to mention it..cuz that's the way i am with you a lot of the time when I'm not happy. idk.." This immediately threw us into a conversation about honesty.

All I want is for people to be honest with me. Is that too much to ask for? It shouldn't be hard. Honesty is a part of communication, and without communication there is no relationship.

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world And I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul want you to notice When I'm not around You're so fuckin special I wish I was special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. She's running out again, She's running out She's run run run running out...Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special...But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

Pretty much my song. Those are the lyrics to Creep by Radiohead.

Something isn't right, and I can feel it. It's never a good sign when I start going into one of my quiet moods, which started today. I just don't want to be around people right now. I really have no idea what triggers these moods. I'll be perfectly fine and semi happy then BAM! out of nowhere I'm depressed beyond belief for no reason really.

There are some things that have undergone the snowball effect.

1. I find myself in a very weird situation with some guys. I know eventually I'll have to pick one. But thankfully I'm single and I can put things off as long as possible. Although, P. has kinda faded into the background, and things with K. have started to heat up (wow I don't what it is with me and finding guys in other states...not to mention he's a close friend).

2. Things have gotten really bad for my family because of the falling Economy. But I'm sure a lot of people are feeling the same way. The problem is now that we could lose the house. My dad is a tough man, but to see him sit there and cry was hard to see.

3. I'm about to break.

• If anything can go wrong, it will
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
• If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
• If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
• Mother nature is a bitch
• Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
• The Murphy Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
• Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.
• Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
• Addition to Murphy's Laws: In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

I think there was one that went something like this, "If you're feeling good now, just wait a bit." I love that one.

I just thought I'd share these with y'all. Personally, I find them rather funny. Also, I believe I may have lost some people with my last blog post, my apologies.