Saturday, September 27, 2008


I know I've said that I hate silence, but it just occurred to me that at the same time I love it. Let me explain. When I'm by myself, I detest silence. On the other hand, when I'm around people, there's nothing I want more than silence. This is rather a self-imposed silence; I don't want everyone else to shut up exactly, only me. Odd and confusing, I know. There are days when I don't feel like uttering a single word to anyone. Just a simple conversation seems like too much to bear. Instead of words, I use the occasional "yeah" or "mhmm" or "no" to respond to things. Naturally everyone thinks something is wrong, which is not always the case. It actually kinda bugs me when people ask me what's wrong. If there is something wrong, I can never put it into words. And if there isn't, then they just don't really believe me. I'm going through this right now. My dad was driving me and my siblings home from school, and I wasn't saying a word to anyone. He made a few comments about my quietness, but left it alone after awhile. As soon as we got home, I started making dinner, but was interrupted because my dad wanted to talk to me. Of course, he wanted to know what was up and if something had happened. I really didn't know how to explain it and didn't want to deal with it at the time. So I just said I was mentally exhausted and was suffering from a minor case of lethargy. I wasn't lying; I just wasn't telling the whole truth.

I'm a listener. I love listening to other people. Nothing makes me happier then when friends comes to me and tell me something that happened to them or something they're having a problem with or if they just need someone to rant to or someone to laugh with. I would expect nothing less from my friends if I ever needed someone to just be there and listen. It really is one of the most comforting feelings. Sure I may never really get what's bugging me off my chest, but at least I can help them with whatever is going on in their life.

Not every second of every day needs to be filled with talking. Take the time to listen, and you might be surprised with what you will hear.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Music is Life.

Opening Credits: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Waking Up: Mi Mancherai (Il Postino) - Josh Groban (wish I knew what that meant)

First Day At School: On My Own - Three Days Grace

Love: Dandelion - LFO

Fight Song: Dance Floor Anthem - Good Chalotte

Breaking Up: She's Out Of My Life - Josh Groban

Prom: Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Life: Oceano - Josh Groban

Mental Breakdown: The World Has Turned And Left Me Here - Weezer

Driving: Everything I Am - The Veronicas

Flashback: Karama - Alicia Keys

Wedding: It's All Over - Three Days Grace

Birth of Child: Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

Final Battle: Remember Me - Josh Groban

Most, if not all, actually are true. Scary. But the songs that happened to answer this quiz don't really show the wide variety of music I listen to. Like I said before, I'm always listening to music. Whether it's getting ready in the morning, driving in the car, folding laundry, to finding something to fall asleep to. Music is expression and a powerful thing. Now I'm just a listener really, never tried to pick up an instrument and learn to play anything. Of course, I guess some people would say one's voice is an instrument, and if that is the case, then I use an instrument daily. I love to sing: I don't care if it's singing along to whatever's on the radio, or a choir piece. I've been in a choir ever since 2nd grade: Soprano naturally. My voice is definitely a gift, and one I've been afraid to really share until now.

Moving on. I'm kinda all over the place when it comes to what I listen to. Plus the fact that the genre of music I'm into is always changing. For example, earlier this summer I was really into techno and electronica, and by the end of the summer I loved screamo, emocore, rock, and hardcore/post-hardcore music. I do, however, draw the line at most country and modern jazz (I really like the 1920s sort of stuff, but don't get a chance to listen to it all that much). I do pride myself on trying to find things that most people wouldn't even think of listening to. The other day I was listening to Skip Divided by Thom Yorke, and my sister was disgusted. Yes, most of the music I listen to most people would consider worthless incoherent babbling or just depressing. If you think about it though, all the popular songs you hear on the radio are just about sex, drugs, and the ins and outs of love. I have nothing against those songs, but sometimes you need more then just that to listen to. I feel that the incoherent babbling or depressing music I listen to is more meaningful. Poignant. It's about something.
Keep commenting <3

Screaming in a Silenced World


I want to make something very clear: I just want to be heard. It's as simple as that. I'm just your not-so-average teenager who wants her screaming to finally reach the ears of anyone who will listen. I want to inspire, to make people think, to learn something from others, to get my thoughts, concerns, problems out there. Mostly I wanted an emotional outlet; I didn't know how people would respond or if anyone would even read it. But I'm glad people do read my blog and understand, for the most part, where I'm coming from.

In all honesty, I do have some personal issues that need mending. The only problem I've had with that is I let them fester too long. Pushing them deeper and deeper inside of me. The result wasn't pretty...naturally. I am now only the bitter, angry shell of a person. It took this summer for me to see that, and it hurt. Of course, I don't really know how to deal with these problems: I don't feel comfortable exposing myself that much to friends or family. So why blog about it for all to read? Well I think I like blogging so much because the readers don't know me. They are, in a sense, not biased (I don't know if that's the exact word I'm looking for, but it will have to do). I still have a long way to go before I'll ever be ok with my life.

Last night, as I was sitting on my couch watching House, I hit a wall. Now I'm not talking about your every day clumsy little happenings, I mean a head on collision. Something clicked in my head, and it kinda made sense. I just want people to leave me alone. I think that is directed more towards my "friends". If I'm having SO much trouble moving on from the past, why not start over? Cut myself off from the "old" and begin again. Yes, I don't know if this is the conventional way of doing things. I don't even know what triggered the thought! Really, I'm not sure if this will even work or if it's the right thing to do. Yes, starting over with a clean slate is ideal, but probably easier said then done. Well if I actually cut myself off, maybe I'll finally be able to find myself. I need to do that before I deal with everything else. Hmmm soul searching...this should be interesting. Not sure what I'll find. The ups and downs come fast in my life, so one minute I'll seem completely fine, and the next I'm a walking disaster (just a little warning).

I'm sure there are people out there who know what I'm talking about. My screaming might actually be answered.

Keep the comments/advice coming.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Careful what you wish for

It surprises me how many of us wish time would go just a little faster. "I can't wait till I graduate." or "I can't wait till I move out." etc. Yeah that will all happen in time, just wait until it does. Time goes by faster then you think. Pretty soon you'll look back and wish you had all that time back. I think we take the time that is given to us for granted; we're impatient for the rest of our lives to finally start. But are you ready for all the responsibility life throws at you? I'm certainly not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to pay my own bills, and all that jazz. Could you handle it?

I was talking with some friends about a bunch of stuff like the economy, health care, college, jobs, and, yes, even marriage (well more the stuff that bugs us about it). Then it hit me - more like knocked the breath out of me - I am scared about what the future will bring. Struggles and joy, tears and laughter - all of which make up this crazy thing we call life. Just not all in that order, and maybe more downs then ups. Who knows? This just made me realize that I need to enjoy every moment I have; even though, it may not be all that peachy at times.

No, time doesn't come in a bottle, and no it can't be rewound. Life may not seem easy at times, but that just makes us love the moments that truly do take our breath away. Don't rushing through life: Take time to smell the roses.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Finally Defeated...

I really don't know how to describe the feeling other than defeat. Even that doesn't get the point across. Ever have someone torn from your life? I'm not talking about death. No, rather it's a type of metaphorical death. Yet one that you can never seem to come to terms with. The wound only rips open; Growing and growing till there's nothing left. You try to distract yourself, but that only alleviates the pain for a short time. Then you go off thinking you can fill the growing void or at least numb that pain. But one way or another it creeps to the front of your mind. Unforgettable. How could things get this bad? What's worse is how could I let them get this way? I'm almost tempted to shut myself off from the world. Honestly, I don't know how I'm holding myself together at this point.

To many people that I have come to love dearly are gone in the blink of an eye. I just want to go back to when things actually made sense. My life actually made sense. I had friends I could talk to and trust: Friends I would give my life for. But now they're gone, and I don't know why. They say people change; however, does that mean that change has to separate people?

I can't take it anymore! I don't want the people I have grown so close to, to just disappear. To never talk to me again. Every time I see them or hear about them or look at a picture, I'm just reminded of all the fun times we've shared. Only now that can no longer be. How do you move on from something like this? I would really like to know. Please. Somebody just help me try to sort through all the mess I've created. I don't want to feel like this anymore; I'm sick of it. Maybe I just need to grow more as a person and learn to accept things for what they are. But when you feel like people keep taking pieces of you with them when they leave, what's left?

I'm sick of shaking

never waking

from the hell I achieve

I never knew you till you left me

with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring

way to buckle the knees

So mistreated, I repeated

Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated

I will stand on my own

Yeah your memory that punches me

has broken the bone.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Do you need to take a part of me away to show you're strong?


It bugs me how much people are constantly telling me how to do my hair, makeup, and how to dress. It's ridiculous! I don't go around pointing out the things I don't like about their appearances. If you think I wear too much eyeliner or don't like my bangs in my face, good for you. You're not me. Stop trying to control what I look like; Stop trying to change me and make me feel bad that I don't look like everyone else. If you don't like what you see, don't look at me. It's that simple.

Why can't people just accept? We're so set on judging everyone else.

I am who I am live with it or without it...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

5 more minutes please?

Yes, it's that time of year again where goodbyes to summer are in order, and the dreaded alarm is set. School is starting up, which means sleep deprivation, the coffee maker on overdrive, exams to study for (or should I say cram for), and friends to share it all with. No more lazy days, no more sleeping in, and no more freedom. Ok maybe we still have a little freedom. Now all we have to do is make it through the next nine months. Easy right?

I start school tomorrow bright and early. To tell you all the truth I'm definitely the farthest thing away from a morning person. Getting up at 5 in the morning is not my cup of tea. Here's the funny part: I'm going to two schools this year. I'm going to Providence 4 days a week and Connection every Wednesday starting September 10. I will have no social life or time at all; The brilliance of it all was it's my choice. I'm not dreading it yet, but I'm not happy about things either. Although, I'm very excited about going to Connections because it will be something new. I've been at Providence for the past ten years (!). Time for a change...again easy right? Wrong. The two school thing was a compromise between my parents and I.

So it's time to don my uniform, and put my thinking cap on. We'll see how well I make it though the coming months. Maybe...just maybe I'll survive it all.