Saturday, July 16, 2011

I know the distance is a factor But I stretch as often as I can My goal's to reach your hands any day now

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It's been something I've been working towards for a little while now, and it shouldn't be too much longer before it actually happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I really can't take being away from M. anymore. A year has been long enough, and now I want to have a normal relationship with him. One where we're actually in the same state and don't have to wait every three months or so just to see each other. A lot of things have to fall into place though before I can even move though, and thinking about what it takes is so overwhelming. Career services recently came to my class to we could start the long twelve week process of getting our background checked. We also filled out applications to take the massage board exam. Because I'm planning on moving, I have to take the national board exam. This one will be harder and more comprehensive, which has me a bit worried. I have twelve more weeks until I'm finished with school, and then it will be a few more until I can schedule taking my exam. This puts us into November.

I wanted to take a two weeks vacation over Thanksgiving to see M., but now that's looking like it won't happen. I can't really book tickets when I don't know when I can take my exam. And once I'm finally licensed here, then I can start the process of getting licensed in the state I want to move to. The jurisprudence exam is only given at the first of every month minus December. This puts us into January. I definitely couldn't afford a two week vacation in November only to turn around a month later and fly out to take that exam. And if I pass the exam, hopefully it won't be too long after that I get my license. I'm not willing to get another job here because I am unwilling to commit to another year here. So this means I will be moving and have to start looking for a massage job ASAP.

Now comes the question of where to live, and how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping to rent a room from a family M. knows over there. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll exchange house cleaning and babysitting for rent at least until I get on my feet. Mostly it's the financial aspect of everything that I find so overwhelming. I have things really good right now. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. And school is paid for. My expenses are just paying for car maintenance, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, and whatever else I might possibly need. The thought of being completely on my own is daunting. How am I supposed to make it 2700 miles away from home?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Stop Making Sense.

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I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.