Lost. Confused. Trying to figure out which path to take is not always an easy one. You stand there looking at which seems safer or more adventurous. But you can only see some of the way down each path; there is still so much that is unknown. So many happy and sad moments to go through, and life changing situations. The only question is which path will I tread and remain fairly unscathed? This requires a lot of thought. Choose the wrong one, and there's no turning around.

Hesitation.

I think I know where I want to go now. There isn't anymore hesitation, and now all I have to do is start walking. I'm still a little scared and unsure, but that's all a part of the process: I'm not going to let that fear control every action. I have to live life not audit it. Along the way I'm going to step on some toes (most of the time on accident), and hopefully make my mark on the world. I'm going to learn from every mistake, enjoy every happy moment, and ride the roller coaster of life. I should be excited. There's so much I haven't yet discovered: I haven't even experienced life yet, I've only tasted it.

I'm almost there. Five more months, and then I'll be crossing over the thresh hold. I'll be met with a whole new set of responsibilities and hopefully more maturity. I at least want to know my goals before I make the epic journey into adulthood. The preparation for this event has taken years, and all I can hope for now is that I'll be ready when the time comes. I am so ready to start defining who I am.

I'm sure there's many more out there ready to go through the same thing.

Everything these days is instant. We don't have to wait for anything; we don't even need to use our minds anymore. To us, life is experienced at the click of a button. We can sit on the couch for hours watching mindless television: Channel surfing the endless selection which cable provides until something strikes our fancy. Next we have the computer, which can be deadly. By deadly I mean, there is so much we can find on the world wide web. Many of those sites are things we shouldn't even let our eyes look upon. We can get whatever we want online. We're becoming a mindless people.

Just think back a couple hundred years. There weren't any TVs and no personal computers sitting in houses. Any free time they had was spent reading books and talking to others. People back then actually used their minds, and they enjoyed it. They were far better off than we are now. Back then they knew what it meant to work for a living. Everything they earned was precious to them. In light of recent events, if they were snowed in, they stayed home around a fire. Together. Now we have generators that allow us to watch tv, or use the computer, etc. We can't even be without those things for an hour.

I'm not saying we are completely hopeless today, but there's so much we need to recover. We abuse the technology we have today.

Would you ever cheat on me? I was asked that the other day; my reply was, "No! I'm not that kind of person." The person who asked me didn't think I was that kind of person, yet still felt the need to ask me. After that experience, I thought about why someone would cheat on someone that they liked. And then it hit me: You don't cheat on someone you actually like or love. It's not possible. If you you like/love someone, cheating is not an option. You would never do that to the person. If you cheat or prone to cheating, there's something wrong. Really wrong. Why are you in a relationship if that's what's going end up happening? Obviously you didn't really like the person to begin with. Sometimes it's tough to tell the difference between like and infatuation I'll admit.

Have the guts to get out of the relationship, seriously. Or go talk to the person. Cheating on someone is one of the worst things you can do. And yet many people still cheat. Think of the habits they're developing. I'm sure this isn't the whole reason, but it really does lead to failed marriages. A person who can not commit in any previous relaionship cannot be expected to commit to a marriage. They really shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Ok well it's a short post, but tell me what you think.

Weather update: Snow snow snow. Last night was practically a blizzard, and we ended up with pretty much a foot of snow, which is kinda uncommon where I live. The weather reports say to expect snow Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then sometime this week it's supposed to start raining (Thank God!).

I was babysitting until 12 last night, and when I got home the power was out. Thankfully at around 2:30 in the morning it came back on.

I absolutely loathe it when the power goes out. It's like the whole world stops suddenly. My house runs on electric not gas, so when the power goes out we have no heat. Wednesday night I was typing out a speech for my Rhetoric class when everything went black. My sister was in my room playing the piano, and started yelling my name. She's insanely afraid of the dark. So I walked down the hall to get her, and held her hand as we walked up stairs to light some candles. I had no idea what to do next. My sister and I were the only one's home. My dad and brother had braved the weather to go pick up my mom from work, and weren't back yet. As it turns out they were stuck in W. To make matters worse, my cell was dying, my dad had lost his, and my mom's cell was dying too. There was now no way to get ahold of each other.

I quickly called my friend R, who lives in the area, to see if he had power. She did, so I made plans to some how get to her house. I didn't want to be home alone without power. R's older sister was going to meet my sister and I part way down our hill. While we were standing there waiting for her, my parents drove by. Surprise surprise. They finally managed to get out of W. I raced back up the hill and into the house to call R and tell her A didn't need to pick us up anymore.

I was thankful when the power came back on an hour later. Trying to sleep in my room was impossible: I swear penguins could have survived in there. But the worst isn't over yet. Apprently the mother of all storms is going to happen tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping the power doesn't go out again.

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile. In the end, it's always been me...alone. This is the one feeling I've never been able to shake off; the one feeling that's quickly becoming a burden. It's weighing me down, until one day I wont be able to move at all. I don't think anyone would recognize the SOS signals. If you saw me, you would think I was an ordinary girl traveling along the unknown path of life. But if you stared hard enough at the mask, eventually you would see the person who's tearing apart at the seams: Barely able to hold herself together. Does anyone really take the time to look? More often then not, no. Of course, I tend to hide this feeling of being alone.

Sometimes it's easy to forget when I'm around other people. For awhile I feel ok, and things aren't as bad as they really seem. Only it doesn't take that long for reality to shove me back in my proper place. I'm constantly searching for things to fill this growing hole inside of me. I'm searching for something that will satisfy this feeling; something that will make this feeling go away. Sometimes I think I have found the cure, yet I can never be certain. Recently, I got this overwhelming sense that I was all alone. And what was even more scary was that fact that I thought that this was how I was meant to be. Always alone. I shed a single glistening tear, then sucked it up. I have to be strong, no matter how cracked my foundation is. Feeling happy and alone all at the same time is complicated.

Don't let the huge grin and laughing eyes fool you. Just take a closer look and you'll see all that's there is a broken smile and forlorn eyes. And I'll just stand here, as the world passes me by, waiting. Waiting for something or someone that will help release me. Or until I finally decide to grit my teeth and brave the storm alone. Alone.

What makes me happy?

1. My Friends: The one's who put a smile on my face and help me through every hardship

2. Long walks by myself.

3. Reading a good book in front of a blazing fire with a nice cup of tea.

4. More recently, the boy who talks to me 24/7 (literally).

I tag:

Red

Jocelyn

♥MademLee♥

I'm working on another post, which will hopefully be up soon.

I got 3 inches of snow last night! I'm hoping that this year it will actually be a white Christmas.

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I do have some exciting news to share with you all. Last Tuesday I was talking to a friend, who told me I should try to help out back stage for the play in April. Try outs for the play were last week. I didn't think much about it until later that night. As I was thinking something occured to me: There's always this bond that forms between everyone who's involved with the play. and to some extent I've always wished to be a part of it. Plus being a part of the back stage crew would help me get to know everyone better. So off I went to talk to the director.

Earlier that day we had our concert dress rehearsal (don't worry this all ties in), and I had to swallow my fear and sing my solo in front of the whole school. It didn't go as bad as I thought. Anyways going back to that night, the director told me that I should just try out for the play. The play happens to be a musical, and after hearing me sing he saw no reason why I shouldn't. I frantically rushed off to find my sister, the assistant stage manager, to help me figure out what I needed to do. I couldn't have tried out without her help. She helped me prepare a song to sing for part of the audition. The song I chose was "All I Ask of You." Of course, I had to sing both Raoul and Christine's part.

During the try outs, I surprised myself: I wasn't nervous at all! I had to sing a song from the play and a song from The Sound of Music in front of everyone, and usually I shake like nobody's business. This time I didn't. Even more shocking was finding my name on the cast list the next day. The funny part about it all is I get to be a man haha. I'm the Duke from Huckleberry Finn. The first read through was on Monday, and I absolutely love my part!

Thursday night: The concert I was excitedly looking forward too. I was singing "That Yonge Child" by Benjamin Britten. The harpist accompanying me was amazing. Again, I wasn't feeling nervous: I told myself to breath, to have fun, and not to look at the people in the crowd. I get more nervous singing in front of people I know, so I was better off not recognizing a familiar face. I went down to sing my solo and made it through without shaking violantly. After the concert, I got a lot of "Wow I had no idea you could sing like that," "You sang like a friggin' opera," and "You gave me goose bumps."

Well I can honestly say now, if I didn't have a life before, I definitely wont have one now. I hope I make it through the next coming months.

Do you ever get that feeling when you look in the mirror and you have no idea who that is staring back. Yes, it's the same face: The same eyes sadly laughing back at you, the same lips pressed into a hard grimace. Yet there's something strangely different about that face. You don't recognize the features as your own. You blink once or twice, and pinch yourself just to make sure this isn't some dream. That person staring back at you isn't really you; it's an imposture. As you stand there quietly gazing at your reflection, you start to think that maybe this is you. It's just not the person you thought you'd turn out to be. This person turned out to be horribly wrong: The exact opposite of what you had envisioned. And this new person frankly scares you to death.


What happened? When did I lose myself? Now you're faced with the dilemma of finding your way back to the person you once were or accepting this new, strange person.

But what if you didn't really like who you were before that much to begin with? I mean the person you were before is someone you can live with, it's just not all that great either. In a way, you're suck between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately change doesn't necessarily happen in the blink of an eye. And there's no way of knowing if the change is going to be for the better or for the worse. I would have to say there are certain parts of who I was before that I really liked. I liked being quiet, but loud around friends. I love laughing and joking around. My randomness is something I can't live without, and the fact that no one really seems to know who I am. I am unreadable. I'm incredibly fine with being anti-social. But where did I go wrong?


Now I've done some things that are way out of character. I don't exactly regret them, but I don't really like them either. But I know one thing, I can't continue with this new me. Eventually a line has to be drawn and boundaries made. How? Is it too late?

In my English class, we were discussing the idea of Courtly Love. To the medieval knight, loving a woman didn't mean entering into some kind of physical relationship. In fact, they rarely ever saw each other. The knight saw the lady as a sort of inspiration and as a symbol of a virtue. It was even common to be married and look to another lady for inspiration. This is because once the knight proceeded to go beyond a courtly love and take on the vows marriage, the lady lost all her meaning to him. She becomes an ordinary human to him. The reality of this made me apply a similar idea to our modern culture.

We love the getting more than the having.

What I mean by this is we are so driven to get something, but once that thing is finally attained, it's not long before it loses all charm. This can be seen in a lot of different ways. Take Christmas for example: We ask for various gifts of which we most desperately want, and yet, after a month or so we don't care about them. We want bigger and better things. Relationships are the same way. You start liking a guy or girl and almost instantly you're set on having him or her. Feeling progress and begin to grow, and you're wait to either make the move or for the other person to make the move. But once you've been with the person for a couple weeks to a couple years, you are discontent with them.

All the action and thrill is in the getting.

Sure, this may not always be the case, but it often is. We satisfy our needs in that moment (however long that moment may be) and move on. This is just food for the thought.

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is fast approaching, I hope everyone has a wonderful time with friends and family. Wish me luck, I'm preparing the entire Thanksgiving meal. I hope it's edible.

Unfortunately no, I'm not moving out of the house yet, but I am moving into my own room. I've shared a room my whole life, but with three other sisters and a brother, sharing a room is a given. My parents promised I could have my older sister's room once she moved out. Of course, she moved out at the beginning of September. It's now almost the end of November. The only problem with moving downstairs is the possibility of getting my door taken away if I hibernate in there. I'm kinda in trouble cause I stay in my room a lot = /. One of the things I hate about moving to a different room is having to take ALL your things and organizing them all over again. So far I have a huge pile of clothes on the floor, and I'm still not done getting everything else in my room. In the end, I know I'll be happy .

Now on to other news. I saw Twilight last night with a friend and my older sister. And I can honestly say I was incredibly disappointed. I know the movie will never be the same as the book, but they could have at least tried. They really didn't. I was tempted to just walk out of the theater. There were some very good parts: I will give them credit for that. It probably would have been ok if I hadn't of read the book.

Other opinions about the movie?

Also, my first Trimester is finished. Finals were brutal. I spent last weekend doing Connections homework and preparing for finals. My English final was insane: We have to write a commonplace and a poem while trying to study our notes from Beowulf and Dante's Divine Comedies. So over the weekend all I got to was the writing portion of the final, which meant lots of cramming Monday night. I spent 5 and a half hours studying for that final: It was hard paying attention cause my brain was already fried and I was sleep deprived. Then to make my week even better, I took four finals all on Thursday (I missed two on Wednesday cause I was at my other school). The common response I got to that was, "You're crazy," or "You're going to die." I was taking finals from 8 a.m. until 3:30. The last final took was Chemistry. I'm usually pretty good at Chemistry, but I couldn't remember a single thing.

Here's to hoping I at least passed ha ha.

I swear, God has a sense of humor. And I have proof. Some one please tell me why the guys worth liking are never close by. This I mean literally. This has happened to me twice now, and in a way it's terrible. Talking to someone you know you're never going to see unless a miracle takes place. Damn emotions keep getting in the way! And somehow I laugh at my situation because it's so ridiculous. There are reasons why smart people stay away from long-distance relationships. More often then not you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Well I'll explain what's going on. I've been msging a friend of a friend for some time now, and recently he finally asked me for my number. I gave it to him, not expecting anything to happen. Sure enough we've been talking none stop ever since. It seems to me that our feelings are mutual, but neither of us has said anything. And in a way I hope neither of us says anything. But I finally found a guy that is older than me (but not too old), funny, and thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course in my mind I'm saying, "Well you haven't really met me in person yet." WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! Ok well it's only really happened once before, but that's beside the point. I'm not going to start anything cause I'm really not looking for anything, but I do like him.

The other time this has happened to me was at the end of summer. This guy I knew way back when I was seven found me on facebook, and we started catching up. It was really cute though cause when we were seven, we had the biggest crushes on each other. He told his mother he was in love with me and that we were going to get married. Finally he asked me straight up that if we lived in the same state would I go out with him. Of course I said yeah...if we lived in the same state. Then he proceeded to ask me how I felt about *drum role please* long distance relationships. I said that I tried to stay away from them because they never really worked out. But some how I found myself in one soon afterwards. Go figure. And surprise surprise it did not last too long. It actually kinda hurt.

After that I was pretty much done with guys, and have thankfully never had a relationship since. But I'm kicking myself cause I can't ever find a guy who lives where I do.

What are your thoughts on this?

"She's just a little too scared to get close to anyone because everyone who said, 'I'll be there,'...left."

I recently had a "talk" with my parents about how I was acting. I should say our talks are more like my parents ranting about a whole bunch of things, and me usually standing there. I guess they finally noticed my withdrawn manner, which had been going on for two months, but somehow slipped by them. I normally don't tell them anything that is going on in my life. When I do, I immediately wish I could take back everything I said. I don't like it when they, or people in general, know my personal life. I feel exposed. Naked. And it is not a comfortable feeling I might add. And most of the time, my family takes advantage of what I do tell them and use it against me. Well, back to the talk, it surprised me how much my parents got right about me. (I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much) My dad told me I was building a wall between me and the rest of the world. Also, that I didn't like having relationships with other people. I stood there and said in my mind, "Exactly."

I'm not going to lie here, but I basically have one friend, and pretty much not even that. I have numerous acquaintances, but no true friends. The one "friend" I do have I share a lot more of my life with, but still not exactly in detail. To be honest, we were forced into a friendship. In a class of four, we had to cling to each other. I do not mean that in a negative way. As it turns out we go through similar situations, so we're a pretty good match. We're the...different ones so to speak.

But I think I finally shut down after so many of my previous friends walked in and out of my life. All of them promising 'to be there for me.' Those are empty words to me now. I can look at the past and smile, but after a second the pain sets in: Overwhelming my senses, so that I'm screaming out for the memories to stop. I double over and choke back the tears that threaten to come streaming down my cheecks. I don't want to be hurt. And in this life, there isn't much we can do to escape getting hurt, but I'm going to do whatever I can not to be crushed. If that means building a wall, then the stones must be laid. And this all fits perfectly into who I already am. In a sense, I am choosing a life of solitude, but at the moment that is all I want.

So for the moment, I am hiding behind and wall. My safe zone. The only way of life I've known for so many years.

"When you grow up you realize that there isn't really any Santa but the monsters are still around. If only they were big and hairy; now they're just dark and amorphous, and they're no longer afraid of the light. Sometimes they're the guy who climbs in the window and takes your television. And sometimes they're the guy who walks out the front door with your heart in his hand and never comes back. And sometimes they're the job or the bank or the husband or the boss or just that sort of dark heavy feeling that sits between your shoulder blades like a backpack. There are always terrible things waiting to grab you by the ankle, to pull you under, to get you with their long horrible arms. And you lie in bed and look at the shadows on the ceiling and feel, under the covers, just for a moment, like you're safe. One more day alive."

-Anna Quindelin

This is one of my favorite quotes. There are monsters every where, waiting to grab you. You never know what the monster will come in the form of. Life is full of these situations, and the only way to handle it is by tackling them straight on. There isn't away around them. And you certainly can't hide from them, safely protected by your covers, anymore. And as you go through life, the monsters keep getting bigger are uglier. Except, they don't appear that way on the outside. The monsters actually may look very appealing; They become harder to detect until they're right on top of you.

As most may have guessed, life has been that monster for me these past few months. And every night as I crawl under my covers, I am thankful I made it through one more day. I may be bruised and some what beyond repair, but I made it through. I keep pushing forward and battle against the monsters as they come along. Oh and boy do they come one right after the other. I can't give up and surrender: I have to keep inching forward. Perhaps one day the monsters wont seem as big or as scary, and I wont have to fight them off by myself.

I believe someone asked me awhile ago what my uniform looked like. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find a picture of me where you could see my entire uniform. Well, this is what I looked like on Halloween (clever, I know). Now if you take away the fishnets (and replace them with blue tights or knee highs), converse, and make the skirt go down to my knees...BAM...you have my uniform.
Anyways this is a short post, but hopefully I'll have another one up sometime in the near future.

Anger. I don't think there's a stronger emotion. I would go as far to say anger is stronger then love. It's so easy to get angry over the smallest things. A comment about how you look, your siblings constantly pestering you, or when something doesn't work out exactly how you planned -- all can trigger an immediate response. That response could be a number of things: yelling, hostility, fighting, or even silence. Most of us can't go a day without getting angry about something. Anger can control your every thought and actions. When you are angry, your mind is clouded. Thinking of how you should handle the situation becomes impossible. The right thing to do isn't easily solved, and most of the time we're not concerned with finding the right way.

So what are we to do when anger decides to strike? Seclusion and silence don't necessarily solve the problem. Often the result of the two is bitterness, which is the offspring of anger. What are the other alternatives? Yelling is mindless and bestial; although, most of us choose this method of dealing with anger. Maybe because that's how we learned by seeing others yell at each other. Another tendency we lean towards is passive aggressiveness. We pretend every thing's ok, but all of our reactions are vindictive. All of our anger takes place behind the scenes, catching others off-guard. Then there are some who are brave enough to reveal their anger and confront the person. This may lead to good and resolution or more bad. I don't think we trust method nor do we feel comfortable exposing ourselves to that extent.

Anger can be an obvious emotion to spot. It can leak through our eyes and change our expression. In some cases we refuse to interact with others. Anger whispers in our ears making things appear worse than what actually happened. And the dead give away is when you take your anger out on everyone else. Perhaps scientists should find a cure for anger. Anger really should be classified as a disease. Or we should all sign up for anger management sessions. It is a bigger problem then most are willing to admit.

Oh it's that time of year again: The time when you finally accept that Fall is here (at least for me). Let's break out the pumpkins, ghosts, witches, and cobwebs, set a bowl of candy by the door, and cuddle close to or friends or family while watching a scary movie. Little kids (and some not-so-little kids) run around neighbor hoods filling up pillow cases of candy. It's time to make the yearly trip to a haunted house or corn maze. You can literally taste the excitement in the air. Party stores stock up on various halloween costumes, which are nearly snatched up instanely. Anything goes tomorrow night.

Last year was the Third time I went trick or treating (shocking, I know). I went with two friends and my sister. I nearly froze, but still had a ton of fun.

Here we all are, cute as ever. Starting from left to right: Me the fairy, my amazing friend R. the cat, my sister M. the...well we're not exactly sure what she is...and K. the 80's dancer. Of course, everyone thought I was a butterfly: It annoyed the heck out of me. I would mutter to the group, "Omg! I'm a fairy!" To which they would reply, "Um you look like a butterfly." Oh well. Other then that, some odd things happened, and then we quickly went back to K's house to watch The Messangers and warm up. The year, however, I'm not going to be something as cutesy. I am going to be a dead school girl. Interesting...I think yes.

What's everyone else going to be?

Happy Halloween!

I used to hate reading with a passion. I read boring school books 24/7, so doing any personal reading was a definite no. I had been doing some personal reading, but once I finished a book I wouldn't pick up another one for a very long time. That was until a year ago when I finally picked up Twilight. I'm not an avid reader yet, but I love reading. I have developed a habit (I guess you could call it that) where I have to go buy all my books. For some reason owning them is better than getting them from a library. I just have to know they're mine. I love the new book smell and the feel of the pages between my eager fingers. I believe my favorite place to go is a book store. I'm like a little kid in a candy store every time I go. Unfortunately with all the books I was buying, it kinda put a hole in my parents' pocket.

I enjoy the momentary escape from reality: To enter into the character's world. The best writers can get the reader to feel everything the characters feel. And trust me, it's hilarious to be around me when I read. I will literally sit there and make comments about what's going on as if it was actually real. I get excited, sad, nervous or whatever emotion comes across the pages. And when the book is done I'm beside myself: I almost wish I had never read those last few pages. It's an odd feeling when you're excited to finish a book, but at the same time wishing it would never end.

I'm not a fast reader: It takes me at least a week or two to finish a large book. But I almost like it better that way. I can enjoy them longer. In fact, I used to carry a book around with me in my purse. You never know when an opportunity to read would present itself. I did finish one book in a day; I started Sisters of Misery on the way home from vacation, and didn't put it down till I was done. And now as winter approaches, I'm euphoric to sit infront of the fire with a cup of cider and read. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Top four wishes:
1) That life you would start making sense.
2) That I could switch schools next year.
3) I really need a job.
4) I wish my family would get things back together

Four places I want to travel to:
1) Germany
2) Scotland or just make that the British Isles
3) Russia
4) Iceland

Four careers I want to be involved in:
1) Massage Therapist
2) Hair colorist
3) Physical Therapist
4) and something having to wish art. Not sure what though.

Four things I would like God to say at the Gates of Heaven:
1) Welcome my good and falithful servant.
2) Come walk with me.
3) Let me show you the place I have set aside for you.
4) I love you (sounds cheesy, but coming for Him...need I say more).

Here are my 4 victims for this tag:
(I guess I can't tag roxy since cady tagged her...)
1) Nicole Linette
2) --Silly--Jedi--
3) Skippy
4) jocelyn

This weekend has been an interesting one to say the least. Friday was one of those ok days with a few highlights. We almost burned the school down in Chemistry class. I'll explain. We were doing a burning experiment except we didn't exactly have the proper equipment. So we lit rubbing alcohol on fire (smart, I know). I don't know if any of you know, but different salts burn different colors. I can't remember all the ones we tried; my favorite was Lithium Chloride. When burned, it turns the flame a hue of magenta. After awhile, my teacher thought it would be fun to lit a napkin on fire by dipping a small glass rode into the alcohol and putting onto the napkin. Well, the napkin didn't get damaged by the flame only cause it lasted for a couple seconds. So he proceeded to pour the rubbing alcohol onto a paper plate. As he was pouring, the fire burned him, so the alcohol went all over the table and floor. The sad thing was we all sat there watching it for the longest time. Finally my friend took out her water bottle, so we could put out the fire. Next on the list of events planned for Friday was a college lecture on Westmont. Westmont's college advisor was in the area, so she was invited to come to my school and speak. I'm all for going to college in Santa Barbara, but the whole Christian undergraduate liberal arts thing isn't my cup of tea. Why would I want to go to a College that's almost exactly like my school? I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in my high school went there. It's like the new NSA or Biola to them.


Now I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but yesterday night I made an exception. My family decided to sit down and watch Frankenstein, and as soon as that started I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to hang out, so I went. Yeah two guys and one girl isn't exactly the best thing. I mostly just sat there while they talked about crew and cars. I mean it was fun to get out of the house, but it also kinda taught me a little bit about myself. Funny how certain situations can do that. I'm SO different now. I don't like putting myself in situations where I'm just there to take up space. And the truth of the matter is, that's what happens most of the time. I'm not loud, outgoing, or all that funny. Friday night was just really eye opening. I only like hanging out with people I have something in common with. I love the guys I was hanging out with, but there was this obvious feeling to me that I didn't belong there.

Life really doesn't love me right now. I had a dance competition yesterday, which I was insanely nervous for. I thought I had packed everything in my dress bag, but I soon realized when I got there that I didn't have my kilt socks or my blouse. I was so upset with myself. The hard part was not dancing my first two dances and having to tell my teacher what happened. Something like this happened to me at my last competition, and the only thing that saved me from sitting out was that my teacher ran that competition. I'm not proud of this, but I cried three different times: That's how upset I was with myself. At the same time, I now know why there are only dance moms and very few dance dads. My mom had to work, so my dad had to take me to my competition. He was so antsy to leave. So I left before awards. I don't think I got anything though.

In other news, my dad decided not to take on another job, and I definitely don't agree with his reasoning on that one.

If you haven't heard of Imogen Heap, I would strongly recommend listening to them. Please listen to the song and tell me your thoughts. How does it make you feel? It makes me feel pensive, and I love the silence after listening to it. I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I love watching Pride and Prejudice. I don't care if it's the 6 hour A&E version or the new one staring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfayden. I'm a sucker for romance movies. I watch Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, The Notebook, Phantom of the Opera, etc. over and over again. Somehow I never get tired of those movies. I love getting swept away in the moment and feeling every emotion then the sigh of relief when they realize that they're meant to be together. Although, when the movie ends, it's always bitter-sweet.

How many of us wish we could end up with the dashing young man aka a Mr. Darcy for example? I know I do. And perhaps that's why I find the endings bitter-sweet. The men are always so perfect even with their flaws. I wish there were more men like them in the world. Unfortunately I think they went into hiding a long time ago. Can I get a moment of silence?

Does the perfect man exist? Certainly not. But watching those movies make me not want to give my heart away to just any guy. Actually, I find myself jealous of those women who end up with the almost perfect men. Very jealous. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Partly it is my fault. Although, I’m almost kind of happy just "dreaming" of the perfect man. It would be nice to have the special someone, yet I honestly don’t think I can handle that kind of commitment. I guess I just answered my own question. I can’t find a guy like that because I don’ t try to find him, and I am ok with that.

Why fool yourself into thinking you can take on the responsibilities of a relationship? Why does every girl need to have a boyfriend? I finally thought all of this through: No I’m not ready for a relationship and I definitely do not need a boyfriend right now. I have to admit that guys just let me down; I’m expecting things to just be absolutely amazing, but then I realize it’s not going to be that way. The guy is never going to know exactly what to say and do when it’s appropriate; he’s always going to some character quality that just gets under your skin; he’s going to let you down. The perfect man is meant to only exist in the realm of imagination and fiction.

Am I a love cynic? The answer is YES!

Sorry that sounds so depressing, and sorry that this blog is all over the place.

This month isn't looking so good. Already life has given me a bigger taste of reality then I can handle. Exactly what I needed...not. I know every now and then it's needed, but when it makes everything look like there's no way out, please don't bother if that makes sense. My family is in over our heads in financial difficulties, and things aren't looking so good. I'm glad that they're letting me know what's going on, yet at the same time it's tough because I can't help or do anything about it. My mom teaches at my school, then goes to work at a grocery store right after she gets off. Now my dad has gotten a second job, which he will do every weekend for the rest of this year. After that, he can choose when and what days he works. All of this just to make ends meet. It is now offically my job to run the house.

It’s not my parents’ fault that we’re in this mess; it’s my sisters’ fault. I love them to death, but they haven’t made things any easier for my parents. My parents are doing everything they can for my sisters like paying their car bill, etc. if they don’t have the money; we can’t do all that much though. My oldest sister moved away in March, leaving behind a massive debt. She’s paying it off, but this guy kept calling and calling us. Eventually, we had to change our phone number. This guy kept insisting that my mom had to pay off the debt; even though, she had faxed documentation showing that the debt was my sister’s, and that she was paying and had been paying it off. This hasn’t satisfied him. Apparently, if my mom doesn’t take immediate action now, they are going to have to take legal action against her. IT’S NOT EVEN HER FING DEBT!

As for my other sister, she’s a bit of a shopaholic. She really doesn’t know how to manage her money. She recently moved to an apartment with three other girls to be closer to her college. Oh dear, more irony. She can’t even pay the rent. I’ve loaned her money (remember, I don’t have a job) to help her with some previous payments, but this time neither me nor my younger sister nor my parents could do anything to help her. One day when she came back home (she comes home a lot); I asked her why she even moved out. It would be better for her if she just moved back home. She just gave me this look, and I knew what she meant. She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t want to: She finally had her “freedom.” To make matters worse, she got hit by a car. They were going to pay for her to get her car fixed, but then she was getting billed for it. I still don’t know exactly why. Today, she totals her car. It’s her fault this time. Guess who pays for her car: My parents.

Snowball effect in action. Not the prettiest thing ever.

I really need to take a mental health day. I think that apathy is a terrible thing to have: It’s like a disease. Of course, I just happen to have apathy and lethargy, among other things. I know what I have to do, and I do it because I have to. But school is definitely taking a lot out of me now. It’s more my private school not Connections: If anything, Connections is where I want to be. I rarely ever speak in class anymore because I no longer care. This sounds really bad, but as I read this, I’m being really vague. Not on purpose. A friend asked me if I was ok (again what is with that question?!) because I didn’t say a word in English class, and I actually told her that I just didn’t care. It’s very unusual for me to not speak in English, but I haven’t been for the past two weeks. I think it’s because my heart (so to speak) is no longer there. I can push myself through the rest of the school year, doing the things required of me, but it’s not going to be enjoyable or pretty.

As for things at home, I’m literally drowning in all things I have to do. I’m needed more then ever now, but I just wish I could get away from it all. A vacation is definitely needed. My younger sister has once again started judging me. In my mind, she’s little Miss Righteous. We have our moments, but mostly our relationship isn’t that great. Yesterday, I was telling her how I didn’t like that out 13 year old brother had a facebook now cause all he would do is chat online and mostly to girls. Immediately she snapped back at me saying I was no better because all I do is talk to boys. I told her no that’s not the case. And even if I do, they’re my friends. Well after awhile, out of the blue she said that our parents were right in not trusting me because they shouldn’t. I didn’t let on to this, but that hurt. And to make matters worse, she thinks she knows my every motive for doing things when in reality, she know nothing. She doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling right now. The thing that makes me laugh is the fact that she wants to be told about things that are going on, but I can’t do that with out getting mocked or made fun of or down right judged.

I was asked how I manage 11 classes, so I answer that question. I do all my private school work during the week, and get my Wednesday assignments early, so I can get some things done ahead. I do all my Connections assignments on the weekends plus whatever assignments I get from my other school. I guess it’s about time I learned time management haha.

I have another homework filled three day weekend...goodie.

I have no clue what's going on with me anymore. I feel so withdrawn lately, and I don't just want to blame it on lack of sleep or too much homework or something like that. My Rhetoric teacher asked my friend and I if something was going on because we didn't seem to be our usual selves. This was probably more directed towards me because my teacher has the uncanny ability to always sense when something might be wrong in my life. I hadn't really thought much about how withdrawn I felt until she asked. Of course, then I started racking my brain trying to find a reason why. What's more annoying then not being able the express yourself when something is wrong, is when you can't really explain to yourself what's going on.



Well, I guess an update of what's been going on with me is in order. School takes up 95% of my time, but so far I'm surviving. I recently dropped my WA State History class in favor of an American Lit class. I'm happy with my decision, and it looks like it will be an great class. I had the dreaded picture day this past Wednesday at Connections. Yeah...I've haven't taken a good school picture ever. Oh well I guess. Maybe my pictures will turn out better at my other school's picture day. Oh, another thing I decided on doing is cutting my hair off yet again. Right now it's the longest it's ever been in a year, but it's really annoying. It's nice when it curls right, but that isn't very often (yes, I have naturally curly hair). If I do cut my hair off (hopefully this weekend), I wont be able to put it up for my competition = /.



Ugh. Ok so not only am I taking on 11 classes, but I also play mom at home. My mom is working two jobs just to make ends meet, so she's never really home any more. This morning she was running around the house yell at me for not keeping things cleaner. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT?! I don't have all the time in the world to make sure the house is absolutely spotless. And it's not like I get that much help from anyone else. I'm doing my best... I try to get dinner on the table every night, and I try to keep up on the laundry, and I try to clean the house as best I can. But I can't stress this enough, I really don't have a lot of time. Now my dad has a second job. Things get worse before they get better, right? I sure hope so.



Well I have a three day weekend this week that is going to be filled with homework...oh joy.

I know I've said that I hate silence, but it just occurred to me that at the same time I love it. Let me explain. When I'm by myself, I detest silence. On the other hand, when I'm around people, there's nothing I want more than silence. This is rather a self-imposed silence; I don't want everyone else to shut up exactly, only me. Odd and confusing, I know. There are days when I don't feel like uttering a single word to anyone. Just a simple conversation seems like too much to bear. Instead of words, I use the occasional "yeah" or "mhmm" or "no" to respond to things. Naturally everyone thinks something is wrong, which is not always the case. It actually kinda bugs me when people ask me what's wrong. If there is something wrong, I can never put it into words. And if there isn't, then they just don't really believe me. I'm going through this right now. My dad was driving me and my siblings home from school, and I wasn't saying a word to anyone. He made a few comments about my quietness, but left it alone after awhile. As soon as we got home, I started making dinner, but was interrupted because my dad wanted to talk to me. Of course, he wanted to know what was up and if something had happened. I really didn't know how to explain it and didn't want to deal with it at the time. So I just said I was mentally exhausted and was suffering from a minor case of lethargy. I wasn't lying; I just wasn't telling the whole truth.

I'm a listener. I love listening to other people. Nothing makes me happier then when friends comes to me and tell me something that happened to them or something they're having a problem with or if they just need someone to rant to or someone to laugh with. I would expect nothing less from my friends if I ever needed someone to just be there and listen. It really is one of the most comforting feelings. Sure I may never really get what's bugging me off my chest, but at least I can help them with whatever is going on in their life.

Not every second of every day needs to be filled with talking. Take the time to listen, and you might be surprised with what you will hear.

Opening Credits: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Waking Up: Mi Mancherai (Il Postino) - Josh Groban (wish I knew what that meant)

First Day At School: On My Own - Three Days Grace

Love: Dandelion - LFO

Fight Song: Dance Floor Anthem - Good Chalotte

Breaking Up: She's Out Of My Life - Josh Groban

Prom: Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Life: Oceano - Josh Groban

Mental Breakdown: The World Has Turned And Left Me Here - Weezer

Driving: Everything I Am - The Veronicas

Flashback: Karama - Alicia Keys

Wedding: It's All Over - Three Days Grace

Birth of Child: Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

Final Battle: Remember Me - Josh Groban

Most, if not all, actually are true. Scary. But the songs that happened to answer this quiz don't really show the wide variety of music I listen to. Like I said before, I'm always listening to music. Whether it's getting ready in the morning, driving in the car, folding laundry, to finding something to fall asleep to. Music is expression and a powerful thing. Now I'm just a listener really, never tried to pick up an instrument and learn to play anything. Of course, I guess some people would say one's voice is an instrument, and if that is the case, then I use an instrument daily. I love to sing: I don't care if it's singing along to whatever's on the radio, or a choir piece. I've been in a choir ever since 2nd grade: Soprano naturally. My voice is definitely a gift, and one I've been afraid to really share until now.

Moving on. I'm kinda all over the place when it comes to what I listen to. Plus the fact that the genre of music I'm into is always changing. For example, earlier this summer I was really into techno and electronica, and by the end of the summer I loved screamo, emocore, rock, and hardcore/post-hardcore music. I do, however, draw the line at most country and modern jazz (I really like the 1920s sort of stuff, but don't get a chance to listen to it all that much). I do pride myself on trying to find things that most people wouldn't even think of listening to. The other day I was listening to Skip Divided by Thom Yorke, and my sister was disgusted. Yes, most of the music I listen to most people would consider worthless incoherent babbling or just depressing. If you think about it though, all the popular songs you hear on the radio are just about sex, drugs, and the ins and outs of love. I have nothing against those songs, but sometimes you need more then just that to listen to. I feel that the incoherent babbling or depressing music I listen to is more meaningful. Poignant. It's about something.

Keep commenting <3

I want to make something very clear: I just want to be heard. It's as simple as that. I'm just your not-so-average teenager who wants her screaming to finally reach the ears of anyone who will listen. I want to inspire, to make people think, to learn something from others, to get my thoughts, concerns, problems out there. Mostly I wanted an emotional outlet; I didn't know how people would respond or if anyone would even read it. But I'm glad people do read my blog and understand, for the most part, where I'm coming from.

In all honesty, I do have some personal issues that need mending. The only problem I've had with that is I let them fester too long. Pushing them deeper and deeper inside of me. The result wasn't pretty...naturally. I am now only the bitter, angry shell of a person. It took this summer for me to see that, and it hurt. Of course, I don't really know how to deal with these problems: I don't feel comfortable exposing myself that much to friends or family. So why blog about it for all to read? Well I think I like blogging so much because the readers don't know me. They are, in a sense, not biased (I don't know if that's the exact word I'm looking for, but it will have to do). I still have a long way to go before I'll ever be ok with my life.

Last night, as I was sitting on my couch watching House, I hit a wall. Now I'm not talking about your every day clumsy little happenings, I mean a head on collision. Something clicked in my head, and it kinda made sense. I just want people to leave me alone. I think that is directed more towards my "friends". If I'm having SO much trouble moving on from the past, why not start over? Cut myself off from the "old" and begin again. Yes, I don't know if this is the conventional way of doing things. I don't even know what triggered the thought! Really, I'm not sure if this will even work or if it's the right thing to do. Yes, starting over with a clean slate is ideal, but probably easier said then done. Well if I actually cut myself off, maybe I'll finally be able to find myself. I need to do that before I deal with everything else. Hmmm soul searching...this should be interesting. Not sure what I'll find. The ups and downs come fast in my life, so one minute I'll seem completely fine, and the next I'm a walking disaster (just a little warning).

I'm sure there are people out there who know what I'm talking about. My screaming might actually be answered.

Keep the comments/advice coming.

It surprises me how many of us wish time would go just a little faster. "I can't wait till I graduate." or "I can't wait till I move out." etc. Yeah that will all happen in time, just wait until it does. Time goes by faster then you think. Pretty soon you'll look back and wish you had all that time back. I think we take the time that is given to us for granted; we're impatient for the rest of our lives to finally start. But are you ready for all the responsibility life throws at you? I'm certainly not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to pay my own bills, and all that jazz. Could you handle it?

I was talking with some friends about a bunch of stuff like the economy, health care, college, jobs, and, yes, even marriage (well more the stuff that bugs us about it). Then it hit me - more like knocked the breath out of me - I am scared about what the future will bring. Struggles and joy, tears and laughter - all of which make up this crazy thing we call life. Just not all in that order, and maybe more downs then ups. Who knows? This just made me realize that I need to enjoy every moment I have; even though, it may not be all that peachy at times.

No, time doesn't come in a bottle, and no it can't be rewound. Life may not seem easy at times, but that just makes us love the moments that truly do take our breath away. Don't rushing through life: Take time to smell the roses.

I really don't know how to describe the feeling other than defeat. Even that doesn't get the point across. Ever have someone torn from your life? I'm not talking about death. No, rather it's a type of metaphorical death. Yet one that you can never seem to come to terms with. The wound only rips open; Growing and growing till there's nothing left. You try to distract yourself, but that only alleviates the pain for a short time. Then you go off thinking you can fill the growing void or at least numb that pain. But one way or another it creeps to the front of your mind. Unforgettable. How could things get this bad? What's worse is how could I let them get this way? I'm almost tempted to shut myself off from the world. Honestly, I don't know how I'm holding myself together at this point.

To many people that I have come to love dearly are gone in the blink of an eye. I just want to go back to when things actually made sense. My life actually made sense. I had friends I could talk to and trust: Friends I would give my life for. But now they're gone, and I don't know why. They say people change; however, does that mean that change has to separate people?

I can't take it anymore! I don't want the people I have grown so close to, to just disappear. To never talk to me again. Every time I see them or hear about them or look at a picture, I'm just reminded of all the fun times we've shared. Only now that can no longer be. How do you move on from something like this? I would really like to know. Please. Somebody just help me try to sort through all the mess I've created. I don't want to feel like this anymore; I'm sick of it. Maybe I just need to grow more as a person and learn to accept things for what they are. But when you feel like people keep taking pieces of you with them when they leave, what's left?

I'm sick of shaking

never waking

from the hell I achieve

I never knew you till you left me

with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring

way to buckle the knees

So mistreated, I repeated

Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated

I will stand on my own

Yeah your memory that punches me

has broken the bone.

It bugs me how much people are constantly telling me how to do my hair, makeup, and how to dress. It's ridiculous! I don't go around pointing out the things I don't like about their appearances. If you think I wear too much eyeliner or don't like my bangs in my face, good for you. You're not me. Stop trying to control what I look like; Stop trying to change me and make me feel bad that I don't look like everyone else. If you don't like what you see, don't look at me. It's that simple.

Why can't people just accept? We're so set on judging everyone else.

I am who I am live with it or without it...

Yes, it's that time of year again where goodbyes to summer are in order, and the dreaded alarm is set. School is starting up, which means sleep deprivation, the coffee maker on overdrive, exams to study for (or should I say cram for), and friends to share it all with. No more lazy days, no more sleeping in, and no more freedom. Ok maybe we still have a little freedom. Now all we have to do is make it through the next nine months. Easy right?

I start school tomorrow bright and early. To tell you all the truth I'm definitely the farthest thing away from a morning person. Getting up at 5 in the morning is not my cup of tea. Here's the funny part: I'm going to two schools this year. I'm going to Providence 4 days a week and Connection every Wednesday starting September 10. I will have no social life or time at all; The brilliance of it all was it's my choice. I'm not dreading it yet, but I'm not happy about things either. Although, I'm very excited about going to Connections because it will be something new. I've been at Providence for the past ten years (!). Time for a change...again easy right? Wrong. The two school thing was a compromise between my parents and I.

So it's time to don my uniform, and put my thinking cap on. We'll see how well I make it though the coming months. Maybe...just maybe I'll survive it all.

I've known about my dad's stomach problem for awhile now, but I finally learned how serious it is just a few hours ago. I don't know exactly what he has, or how fatal it could be. What I do know is that he is going to go to the doctor to find out how much of whatever is in his stomach can be removed. That is, if they can remove it at all. I really don't want to think about what could happen if they can remove anything. My dad has to be there for me...to be at my graduation, then my college graduation. Celebrate getting my first job, possibly walk me down the aisle, spend every holiday walking down memory lane, and watch rediculously old detective shows with me. He just needs to be there; it's as simple as that.

Maybe I'm just over reacting. Of course there is the possibility that I'm not. For one thing, my parents have only told my two older sisters, and not the rest of us. Perhaps it's so we wont worry so much. I for one would still like to know. Now every time I see him I just want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. That I never meant all the hurtful things I've said; That I'm sorry for the way I've acted; That I'm sorry for causing so much trouble,

Teens are always looking for someone to "fall in love" with, but end up getting crushed over and over again in the process. Why do we let ourselves go through that kind of emotional pain? I personally think that teens use the phrase "I love you" far too often. We're too young to know anything about love yet. I love you comes with commitment, and most of us aren't ready to face that. How can we learn anything about commitment when we're constantly breaking up and finding someone else. Granted, your high school bf(s)/gf(s) aren't going to be your soul mates. Also, I don't deny that some do truly feel strongly about their bf/gf, which translates into saying "I love you."

But how do you know when it's appropriate to say that? How do you know if what you're feeling is genuine? Is it determined by how long you're together or the bond you have? I honestly have no clue. I have been guilty of using that phrase too loosely, but there is one person that I feel I said it to and meant it. Story time...

We have a history...obviously. Unfortunately, I think I realized my feelings a little too late this time around. It's been one of those on again off again relationships that finally came to a halt at the beginning of the summer. It was a messy ending. I was scared I would never move on from him. We had tried to be friends, but it was too painful for me. Although, I never told him that. So I was glad, yet a little sad, when we no longer talked and ignored each other.

'"Because you never go from going out to being friends, just like that," I explained. "It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of the break up. And someone takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."' - This Lullaby
I read this in a book and thought it was actually true; it definitely lined up well with what had already happened. So I resolved not to get involved with him again. I did distract myself to the point where I thought I really was over him.

Until recently when a friend told me he still liked me. I immediately flipped out. For a couple days I toyed with the idea of being in a relationship with him again. But I psyched myself out, and was set on rejecting him. Of course now we were talking again, which made everything ever so more complicated for me. I knew very well that I emotionally couldn't handle this (I was in the midst of a mental break down). So when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't say anything in response. He soon figured out I was saying no and apologized for asking me. Words can't describe how wretched I felt.

Now we're back to trying to be friends, but the thing is I MADE A MISTAKE! Here's the ironic part: He already likes someone else. Mind you this was 3 days (more or less) after I "said" no. So I'm silently screaming, "I WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE PICK ME!" While at the same time thinking I should just keep quiet and let him date this other girl. Somehow I'll find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. The only problem is I ran out of duck tape a long time ago.

Outside all of this relationship mess, he's pretty much one of the best friends I've ever had. He knows me the best, he can easily read my mood, and cares about me. Yep I've put myself in the best situation...ha ha. I really have no choice: I've made my bed. The truth is I know things would be easier if we didn't talk, but I don't want that. Even considering that makes me feel like I would lose so much that way...a part of myself.

This is something I've been struggling with since summer began. Are some people meant to be alone? To feel detached from everyone and everything? I hate that feeling, but should I really start accepting it? I just want to belong somewhere...anywhere. Yet the more I try to find that place, the more I drift away. I just want someone to come find me, and tell me I'm not alone. The harsh reality is that I've never fit in. I'm the different one: Different at school, at home, with friends. This begs the question: What's wrong with me? I'm not going to lie, but I do like being alone sometimes, and it's all most preferable in my house. So have I done this to myself? I'm literally coasting through life; Not in a surreal sense, but in a horrible nightmarish kind of way. Am I the only one who feels this way?
I can't really explain this right, so you might be in for another post like this sometime down the road.

Now that word just about makes every teenager run for fear. Unless you have a great relationship with your parents, which I suspect most don't. I, for one, do not have the greatest relationship. If you're like me, the more you're parents don't know the better. I'm scared to death to even let them know what's going on in my life. Every time I do open up, I immediately regret it. Yes they love me no matter what, but they're also very disappointed with me a lot of the time. I don't like disappointing people; unfortunately that's pretty much what always happens. Nothing confuses me more than parents. They want to know everything, and say they're not going to flip out. Low and behold, they do. At least my parents are like that. Anywho.
The point of this blog is how parent take out their anger (if any parent happens to read this blog, my apologies). Sometimes, not all the time, they try not to blow up. Yet somehow that always leads to them taking out they're anger on everyone else. I find that rather ironic. Instead of dealing with the problem right then and there, they choose to make everyone miserable. Why is that? Thoughts please?
Don't get me wrong here: I'm not complaining. I'm just very befuddled. Kudos to all you parents out there. They go through more than us teenagers give them credit for.

Hi! I'm Kirsten Kaustic, and this would be my blog. Let's see here...what are some essential facts you need to know? I love to dance, but I mostly do Highland dance. I keep to myself. Emotions suck, so I spend most of the time trying to hide what I'm really feeling. I AM RANDOM! I love my friends; although, most don't really know the true me. They would if they actually took the time. Erm...I go to a private school, and to be honest I hate it there. I need eyeliner or I will explode. I hate silence, which results in me always listening to music (I listen to pretty much everything). Long story short: I'm explosive.

Baii