Stop Making Sense.

I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.