"Maybe you're not a lecherous youth pastor, a hypocritical abstinence counselor, or a thieving neighbor. But you are somthing. A backstabbing friend? An insecure bully of a father? An unfaithful husband? A resentful wife? What? Trot out your thoughts, every last one, no matter how tiny, no matter how fleeting, no matter how awful or pornographic. Project them on a screen for the viewing public. We'd have you pegged in a heartbeat-- just as you'd be able to peg us. A good author could even work with unhidden things, the things you're actually willing for the rest of us to see. Are you a whining fusser? Do you complain about the weather? Do you know how much work went into that weather system? Maybe you resent an obstacle, anything that makes your day longer or harder. You think you're underappreciated. You, with the way you think about everyone else around you (your mother, your siblings, coworkers, or even your spouse), feel undervalued. What exactly is your value? Would this planet miss you if you ceased to be? Would the human race falter?"

-Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson

It's that time of year again when high school students dread going back to desks and homework. But for some, those who have entered into a new world, there is anticipation. What dorm will I be in? What will my roommate be like? Every fiber of there being buzzes with excitement. Maybe there are some nerves about how classes will be and being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. I for one have none of these feelings: I decided to take a year off. For awhile, I was relieved and happy with my decision, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone's leaving. I'm staying.

I can't believe I'm saying this . . . . I want to go back to school.

It feels like I'm missing out on so much. I need to do something. Do. Something. I can't just sit around for a year working and doing nothing. Why does it feel like I'm missing out on life?

Graduating from high school was one of the best days of my life. But since that time, the high has worn off and reality has set in. I think I just expected life to be so great once I had freedom, but with freedom comes more responsibility. Right after finals, I went straight back to work; there really was no down time in between. June 10th rolled around, and I was off to Europe for two weeks on a school tour with the same people I'd just spend an entire school year with. Now I had to live with them . . . for two whole weeks. It honestly felt more like three months. The trip was fun, and I'm glad I got the chance to go to Europe, but I wish it would have been more of a vacation and cultural experience. I'm in the middle of sorting through all 1200 pictures.



I recovered from jet lag not at home in bed, but at work. Coffee has become my new best friend. Once back in the states, it dawned on me that I probably needed to get my college affairs in order. How the heck am I going to pay my way through college after a $4000 trip? My bank account is totally drained. I enrolled at a technical college. All I basically had to do was say, "Hi, my name is...." and I was accepted . . . only to find out that I was two months late in the registration process. Just my luck. The only three classes left were the Fundamentals of Massage 1, 2, 3. I signed up not really know what else to do, but I know I can't take those classes at the same time. I also can't wait a quarter and then begin the program in the winter.

I sat down with the parental figures to talk about church, setting up a budget, and dating. I want to start a budget, so I know how to handle money and prioritize what my money gets spent on. You can never learn how to do that soon enough. They mentioned that if I needed to, I could take a year off and just work. Immediately the pieces fell together. Why don't I just do that? So that's what I'm doing: I am taking a year off. It kinda gives me peace of mind, but it's weird to think that I won't be going to school when everyone else I know will be.

I just want a pause button right now to figure out how I got here. Where did my life go? I should have taken more time to enjoy my teenage years because I'm almost wishing I had them back.

I haven't talked about him (by him I mean my ex) since last year. But I think it's time for me to clear the air with you all. November 16th was the night he and I were forced a part. At first, I was so angry at everyone, and not because I was angry I wouldn't ever talked to him again, but because I felt so much shame for what I'd let happen. Losing him wasn't as hard to deal with as I thought. I now realize it's because I wasn't IN love with him. I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I'm going to be honest. I was always looking for a way out. As much as I wanted someone to love me and to love someone back, it wasn't him, yet I thought he was the only one I could get. November 16th gave me the chance to finally cut all ties and move on. Find someone new. Find a guy who won't pressure me into things. Find that one guys, who won't make me feel like I need to look for the exit sign.

I just want to let you all know that I am so happy that he is out of my life; I am so happy my parents knew what was better for me. I'm free.

I gave into some of the things P. wanted to do that I never wanted to do. I'm equally to blame because of it. But I finally realized that if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he wouldn't have pushed me so hard after I said we shouldn't do any of it anymore. He would have respected me and not put me in the situation that he did. He should have been a man and told me when I was going to far. I don't hate him. I can't stand being around him though. We need to be out of each other's life. We can't be friends, and I'm ok with that.

Don't allow a guy to walk all over you. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve, tell him to hit the road.

I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.

The life of a senior leaves no time for blogging =/. The good news is two trimesters down; one to go. I cannot wait for June 3! Finals week was once again a serious killer, but I did what I could. One upside is once I'm done with school I'm going to Europe for two weeks. Bring on the cute Italian boys haha. I just have to make it through the next three months with a serious case of senioritis and a new love for cutting class. It also doesn't help that my mom had be try on my graduation gown. What I want to know it what drug addict thought up those hats.

But anywho, the real reason I'm on here now is something I've recently noticed about myself. Lately, my rhetoric teacher has been having us present a speech or poem or dramatic monologue every Friday so my class gets used to being in front of an audience. This is preparation for the senior thesis (an insane 10-13 page paper that we have to present in front of a large audience from a one page outline, and then answer questions from the judging panel). By far the best thing I've presented is The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe --my favorite poem. I really got into it. Well lately the comment has been made that I do a good job of getting into character. When I get up in front of the audience, I am no longer myself. And I like that.

I don't know why it's easier for me to pretend to be someone else, and I can't be myself. When I'm myself . . . it's just not enough. I'm too nervous just to be plan old me. March 6th my school had a talent show, I finally got the courage to sign up and perform. I sang A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, and my sister played the piano for me. The dress rehearsal was a complete disaster. I usually don't sing with a microphone, but this time I had to because the song was getting in the lower range for me. And because of choir, I'm usually holding a binder, so I had no idea what to do with my body. Pitiful, I know. So the day of the talent show, I gave myself a character to be, and the song was a smashing success after a few changes to the song.

I'm probably in need of a serious confidence boost. I'm afraid insecurity has gotten the better of me.

Oh, I saw Alice and Wonderland when it came on Friday, and I LOVED IT! Tim Burton is an absolute genius. The acting was amazing. I left the theater acutally wishing I could go to Wonderland....

The Hollow Men

by T.S. Eliot

A penny for the Old guy

I

We are the Hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

Our Dried voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or rats' feet over broken glass

In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eye, to death's other Kingdom

Remember us-if at all-not as lost

Violent souls, but only

As the hollow men

The stuffed men

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams

In death's dream kingdom

These do not appear;

There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column

There, is a tree swinging

The voices are

In the wind's singing

More distant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death's dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed stave

In a field

Behaving as the wind behaves

No nearer-

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land

This is cactus land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man's hands

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

Walking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

Lips that would kiss

Form prayer to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars

In this hollow valley

This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grop together and avoid speech

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The eyes reappear

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death's twilight kingdom

The only hope

Of empty men

V

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.