I haven't talked about him (by him I mean my ex) since last year. But I think it's time for me to clear the air with you all. November 16th was the night he and I were forced a part. At first, I was so angry at everyone, and not because I was angry I wouldn't ever talked to him again, but because I felt so much shame for what I'd let happen. Losing him wasn't as hard to deal with as I thought. I now realize it's because I wasn't IN love with him. I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I'm going to be honest. I was always looking for a way out. As much as I wanted someone to love me and to love someone back, it wasn't him, yet I thought he was the only one I could get. November 16th gave me the chance to finally cut all ties and move on. Find someone new. Find a guy who won't pressure me into things. Find that one guys, who won't make me feel like I need to look for the exit sign.

I just want to let you all know that I am so happy that he is out of my life; I am so happy my parents knew what was better for me. I'm free.

I gave into some of the things P. wanted to do that I never wanted to do. I'm equally to blame because of it. But I finally realized that if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he wouldn't have pushed me so hard after I said we shouldn't do any of it anymore. He would have respected me and not put me in the situation that he did. He should have been a man and told me when I was going to far. I don't hate him. I can't stand being around him though. We need to be out of each other's life. We can't be friends, and I'm ok with that.

Don't allow a guy to walk all over you. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve, tell him to hit the road.

I won't go into detail, but me and my boy did something stupid. Sure most would not think meeting up with your boyfriend isn't a punishable offense, but think again when you're going it without parental consent. From my last post you all know I'm not allowed to talk to him via cell phone... well that rule was broken after a week. Anyways we made plans, and I'm kicking myself now for not going with my gut feeling and said no to meeting.

Later that night (this happened Monday), my dad got a call form P's dad asking if we could come over to talk about something. From a previous conversation, I knew that P had to tell my dad we'd kissed before, so I was under the impression that was what the meeting was about. I was wrong. P's parents found out that we had met earlier that morning. Can you say 'oh shit?' My youth pastor was invited to come to the meeting as well, which was really bad for reasons I won't get into. After apologizing to everyone and their dog, the verdict was announced: P and I aren't allowed to be friends. P was quick to agree to it, so there was not much else I could do.

I kept it together all the way through the meeting; even though, I was really embarrassed, and all the way home. Once I made it inside, I broke. Luckily was older sister S was there to ask what was wrong. I told her everything that had happened that night. She told me that I had to be absolutely sure this guy was the right guy, because otherwise he won't be worth waiting 2+ years for. But she told me what I should really do is just move on, which is what I've decided to do. If I want to make it through the next couple years, I can't have this empty feeling, and be depressed, and miss him constantly. If we're not allowed to be friends, why should I wait around? Of course, this does not mean I'm going out to find a new guy. Hell no.

Since I decided that, I haven't missed him or had the urge to talk to him somehow. I'm pretty happy considering what's happened. The day after was a little hard when my mom was all passive aggressive with me. I get the the trust between me and my parents is broken, but they'll get over it one day. Now all I want is for them to stop bringing it up so I can really move on.

Today my Greek teacher, who happens to be my pastor, called me out of class half way through to talk to me about it. He wants me to write a letter of apology to P for the part I played --I agree with that. He also wants me to feel free to talk to him about it. I don't think so. He let me know that all the elders know about what happened; I thought about this as I walked into physics and remembered the teacher is an elder. Wonderful. Then I get home and I get this email from my youth pastor asking my how I am and that he thought I handled everything well. The urge to say "F U" crossed my mind, but then I thought, "Oh if you think that was mature, watch me not respond to you." It's like thank you all for your concern, but I just want to move on and forget anything ever happened.

Life was good, exciting, passionate. I was finally busy with school --still am. The last couple months have been better than I could have imaged all because of a boy. It happens to be my ex, and after two years I finally realized he's been there all along waiting for me to notice. But here I am once more telling you how bad things have gotten.

My boy and I are madly in love; it's as simple as that. I've been against the whole idea of getting married until now, and I've found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've even talked about it. And why is that so bad you may ask. The thing is we never really told our parents until a week ago. I don't know how many of you are familiar with courting, but it's the type of thing my religion advocates over recreational dating. Courting implies you go to the girl's dad first and ask permission to start pursue his daughter. We kinda skipped that step.

Through a certain event his parents found out. Not good. A meeting was set up between my dad, my boy, and his dad. My dad said yes to the relationship, but both dads wanted to slow things way down. Basically that means put the whole thing on pause for the next two or three years. There is to be no touching. No texting or callling each other. And even thought the parents won't admit it, no hanging out either (even in a group).

This past week has been one of the hardest. Separation isn't an easy thing. He's my best friend too, and now I can't even talk to him about anything that's going on. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel so empty.

Life was looking up --it's about to get worse.

It was an emotional evening, and that's putting it lightly. Tempers flared, tears poured, and all hell broke loose. My sister S., made yet another mistake. She told my parents about it, but was avoiding coming home. Things escalated when my dad couldn't get her to call him. My dad had my mom text her and had me text her. Being the middle child, I always end up being the middle man. The person people communicate through. You know the saying "don't shoot the messenger?" Well I got shot a lot last night. S. finally decided to come home so she could sit down and talk with my dad, so it looked like that worst was over.

Then I got called up. I sat down with my dad, and he asked the question, "If your child was going down a path of destruction, what would you do?" I didn't have an answer. "Someone as smart as you should be able to figure out an answer." I hate it when he says that. Just because I may be smart when it comes to school doesn't mean I have an answer for everything in life. I honestly had no clue what I would have done in that situation, and I don't want to know.

It seemed like everything was fine. M, S, and I all sat in my room talk about theology of all things. We were having a good time too until my dad came down and told us all to go to bed (it was really late). M left right away, but S and I chatted a little more. My mom came in to the room and demanded S and I pack our bags a get out of the house. We were shocked. Surprised. Befuddled. What the hell was going on now? My mom went on to say that my dad was leaving the house because of what was going on, and instead of him leaving it should be us. Sarah started putting up a fight. I, on the other hand, looked at her and told her, "Fine, let's leave." I knew we didn't have anywhere to go, but that didn't matter.

Finally my dad came downstairs. We were able to patch things up enough for S and I to be able to stay. He confessed that it was all his fault. He assumed that S, M, and I were all talking about him. Never assume anything. He couldn't have been more wrong. I'm hurt by this: It's not the first time I've been kicked out of the house.

I know I'm supposed to move on, but it's really hard to forgive and forget.

Maybe the third time will be the charm.

Have you ever made a resolution and go to bed all set on making it happen then wake up the next day and wonder why you even thought of making that change? It’s like waking up erases it all. Last night was just a moment of weakness or something. I don’t need to do anything.
That’s what it’s like for me on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been struggling with the idea of opening up to my parents. They know me more then I give them credit for: They pick up on things that I don’t even tell friends. They can look into my eyes and see straight through me. They know. But I still try to hide. My dad came to me one night a couple weeks ago and told me he was hurt by some of the bitter joking. I had just found out about some software he had put on the computer that allowed him to see every site we went on. I thought that was an invasion of privacy –A parent should know, but my dad had gone too far. So the anger of knowing came out in my joking.

While we were chatting about the software –his intentions were not to track what I was doing—, he said I shouldn’t have this secret life. A life I felt the need to hide from him. I don’t really have a secret life, just a life they don’t really understand fully. There are things I really don’t want to share with them, which is just about everything. He told me that I had a demon (not like a possession or something weird) inside of me, and that he spent a lot of time in the past years really worried about me.

Sometimes I want to grant him the father-daughter relationship he truly wants. I really thought I could make that happen this time. I woke up.

I go to work now four days a week and I live with my grandparents those four days. I’m not at home a lot anymore, so I stopped feeling the need to talk about be open with my dad. I keep putting up this wall and tell myself it’s ok not to talk to them. The scary part is I think I don’t want to.

But I did.

I didn't want things to get to this point so soon. In the words of my dad, "You're in a funk. What's wrong?" I paste a smile on my face and assure him that I'm just fine. No need to worry. Or is there? I've been really angry lately: Angry at everyone. Mostly at my parents though. It all started with me wanting to wear a pair of shorts; my dad almost had a heart attack when I was about to walk out of the house. This is when I discovered that having long legs are, in fact, a curse. So it looks like I'll be wearing jeans all summer. I'm just waiting for them to finally decide that skinny jeans are no longer appropriate attire as well. I don't see what the issue is; it's not like I'm going out of the house looking like a total slut or something. But my dad's reason is, "I'm doing this to protect you and your reputation." Eventually I'm might accept that. I know he probably means well.

Since then it's been a constant battle with everyone --or just my family. I miss being around everyone: I don't want to sit at home and just hang around the family. At the end of school, I thought it would be great not to have to see anyone until September. Wrong. The first week of summer break I spent everyday with friends from school. Now I'm look ahead thinking this is the only month I have to hang out with everyone. Starting in the middle of July, I'm moving in with my grandparents because of I job I got. I'll maybe come home on weekends. That really depends on whether or not I get a part time job at this kennel my sister works at. It already feels like I have to say good bye to everyone, and summer is ending.

Am I in a funk? Definitely yes.

Why am I angry? I really have no clue. I don't know. Is it possible to just be angry --to be sad for no reason? I think I'm using most of what I said at the beginning of this blog as an excuse, or using it as fuel for a fire that was already there. I've got to get over this somehow because it's now ruining the good start to my summer.


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That was me a couple days ago. I've forgotten how bad my mood swings can be; now I'm happy and up beat and loving most everything. One thing I realized after I snapped out of my funk is how overrated 18 year old rebellion is. Do we expect anything to be accomplished by it? If you do, I'm sorry to say nothing ever is accomplished by being rebellious --at any age really.

My dad recently told me a story about this girl, who was angry at her parents because they wouldn't let her go out late at night. She went to her friend's house hoping to stay the night, but her friend's mother told the girl to go back home and, basically, obey her parents. The girl left her friends house with no intention of going home. In the neighborhood, she ran into the wrong guy: The girl ended up dead. Yes, this doesn't happen every time we're rebellious, but this is the exact thing our parents are trying to protect us from. So my not being able to wear shorts is probably one of the best things my parents can do for me.

This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time, but this doesn't mean I'm going to be the perfect kid in the meantime. I still have a long way to go, and I'm ready to work at changing. If I want to be considered and treated like an adult, I'm going to have to act maturely. Rebellion only shows your parents and the people around that you actually immature.

Facebook: Some would call it a great website. A way to catch up with old friends and chat with current ones. What was meant to be a website for college and high school kids (and even adults) has been invaded my children that are clearly too young. Now parental supervision is required just to make sure their kids aren't doing things they shouldn't be. But I think this parental supervision has gone too far. Parents don't stick to checking just what their kids have done on facebook. Instead, they've stooped to the level of checking out everyone their kids are friends with. Facebook has already made spying on people very easy. Everything you do on there is seen be everyone you're friends with. You can even look at pictures of someone you know nothing about. Every conversation on your wall is viewable. There's no privacy. And now you add parents into the mix, and suddenly you feel very exposed.

I have nothing against parents checking their kids' activity on facebook. All I want is for parents to keep it strictly to their kids. I've had another parent tell my parents that I said I hated my life on facebook. I was enraged by this. First and foremost, it wasn't true; I never said anything even remotely close to that on facebook. Also, I didn't like that fact that some parent felt the need to snoop. Unfortunately, I know a lot of parents and other adults who use facebook that way. I don't like it when they read into things or use it to pry into other people's personal life (sometimes it may be unintentional, but still).

Unless I am saying things or doing things I really shouldn't be, I don't want to hear about a parent coming to my parents and telling them what I'm doing on facebook. My parents trust me, and if they want to know, they can look for themselves thank you very much.

I have no clue what's going on with me anymore. I feel so withdrawn lately, and I don't just want to blame it on lack of sleep or too much homework or something like that. My Rhetoric teacher asked my friend and I if something was going on because we didn't seem to be our usual selves. This was probably more directed towards me because my teacher has the uncanny ability to always sense when something might be wrong in my life. I hadn't really thought much about how withdrawn I felt until she asked. Of course, then I started racking my brain trying to find a reason why. What's more annoying then not being able the express yourself when something is wrong, is when you can't really explain to yourself what's going on.



Well, I guess an update of what's been going on with me is in order. School takes up 95% of my time, but so far I'm surviving. I recently dropped my WA State History class in favor of an American Lit class. I'm happy with my decision, and it looks like it will be an great class. I had the dreaded picture day this past Wednesday at Connections. Yeah...I've haven't taken a good school picture ever. Oh well I guess. Maybe my pictures will turn out better at my other school's picture day. Oh, another thing I decided on doing is cutting my hair off yet again. Right now it's the longest it's ever been in a year, but it's really annoying. It's nice when it curls right, but that isn't very often (yes, I have naturally curly hair). If I do cut my hair off (hopefully this weekend), I wont be able to put it up for my competition = /.



Ugh. Ok so not only am I taking on 11 classes, but I also play mom at home. My mom is working two jobs just to make ends meet, so she's never really home any more. This morning she was running around the house yell at me for not keeping things cleaner. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT?! I don't have all the time in the world to make sure the house is absolutely spotless. And it's not like I get that much help from anyone else. I'm doing my best... I try to get dinner on the table every night, and I try to keep up on the laundry, and I try to clean the house as best I can. But I can't stress this enough, I really don't have a lot of time. Now my dad has a second job. Things get worse before they get better, right? I sure hope so.



Well I have a three day weekend this week that is going to be filled with homework...oh joy.