It's that time of year again when high school students dread going back to desks and homework. But for some, those who have entered into a new world, there is anticipation. What dorm will I be in? What will my roommate be like? Every fiber of there being buzzes with excitement. Maybe there are some nerves about how classes will be and being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. I for one have none of these feelings: I decided to take a year off. For awhile, I was relieved and happy with my decision, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone's leaving. I'm staying.

I can't believe I'm saying this . . . . I want to go back to school.

It feels like I'm missing out on so much. I need to do something. Do. Something. I can't just sit around for a year working and doing nothing. Why does it feel like I'm missing out on life?

I recieved a message this week --a rather unexpected message. "Anyone feeling old enough to call a reunion?" It was sent by a girl, who I went to school with for five years. When she left in seventh grade, she wrote me a lengthy letter letting me know she no longer wanted to be friends with me and not to try to keep in touch with her. Sometime during this past school year, she found me on facebook. We chatted once just after we added each other, and zip nada zilch after that.

This message was sent to some of the few people who comprised our fourth grade class. Why she wants a fourth grade class reunion I will never know. But hers the thing, most of the people who are invited left the school hating my guts. What can I say? I'm a very blunt and honest person --maybe even a tad hot-headed--, so rubbing people the wrong way was inevitable. I haven't talked to anyone who left well . . . since they left.

I have to admit I'm a little intrigued by this: Why not show off what you've got now? You're different. No one's seen you in years. Of course, I have to realize I'm still stuck at the school they've left, and what makes me think any of them have changed what they felt about me?

At first, no one responded to the message, so I thought I was in the clear. *Phew* No one wants to see each other. But now there've been a couple responses, and (what do you know) they're all for it. Except you get the nice little comments such as "I've been doing my best to block it out." The girl saying that means her years at my school.

Right now I'm putting off writing a paper on Uncle Tom's Cabin: I'm tired, and the creative juice just aren't flowing. This weekend has been a busy one. Saturday I had a competition, and right after my last dance I had to book it to Drama. We were practicing some of our dances in a studio, so we could see ourselves in the mirrors. The rehearsal was really fun; I'm just exhausted and sore.

For some reason I've been thinking about life after high school. It's probably because there's less then three months till school's done, SATs are coming, and since the summer is almost here, it's time to find a job. There are certain goals I've set for myself this summer: 1. Get a good paying job 2. Somehow make it to Tennessee. My sister potentially just got an amazing nannying job this summer, and I'm thinking about doing the same thing. I've been a nanny before, so it's right up my ally. Going to Tennessee serves two purposes, USIR is being held there this year, and it would give me a chance to meet P. (it's been awhile since I brought him up).

I'm considering being a live-in nanny because that would open up job opportunities, but we'll see what my parents think.

Now for what's been on my mind for a long time. I've always wanted to move somewhere different after college. It's time for a change, and I can always come back home if things really don't work out. I'm really thinking about moving to Texas. This is partly because my sister already lives there: At least I wont be so alone and helpless. Plus, I could live with her until I got settled down.

Why Texas? I really don't have any other reasons for going there of all places. It being warm there definitely helps. The idea just feels right. My parents wont exactly be thrilled, but I still have time to get things all figured out. I don't have to have everything planned out this second.

I just got off the phone with K., and that was without a doubt the worst conversation I've ever had. I don't get what's with him. Here's some of the things that happened: He told me he wanted to see The Watchmen, and I adviced him not to. My older sister just saw it and told me all it was just a bunch of blood and sex. Knowing K. didn't want anything to do with sex right now, I told him what my sister told me. Immediately he said he was definitely going to see it now. "Hold up...what?!" That didn't make any sense, so I asked him why he would see it if he's trying to reform his life. "I'm still a guy..." "I'M STILL A GUY?! You've got to be kidding me," I thought. If you're trying not to have certain thoughts, then why would you go and see a movie with sexual content?



"It takes time, Lonely Heart. Change isn't going to happen in one week." I of all people know that. But you can start by not watching (I'm just going to call it what it is) porn. So the whole time I'm listening to him thinking, "He's a hypocrite." I didn't tell him that, yet now I'm thinking I should have. After that, he started calling me a lesbian. "So now he has to be rude." He said he was only kidding cause he knows I'm not, but why say something like that?

On another note, here's a song I started listening to and loved it immediately.

Well I'm in for an insanely busy week: Drama is five days a week now from 3-6, and some how I'll have to fit dance in on Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8. Oh and maybe fit homework somewhere in there.

Ugh I haven't been on in forever. I blame it all on finals, which took up all my time. The jury is still out on how I did on all of them though. This week has been tough, and it has definitely pushed me to my limits. By Thursday I was so out of it, and it was hilarious. I actually walked into a door after mentally telling myself I needed to open it. I'm just so glad they're over, but even with them being over there was no time to catch up on sleep. For the first time in Lonely Heart history, I went to a school fling thing. There was no guilt tripping involved; it was my choice.

The high school and junior high went to the high school basketball tournament and then bowling. It was a blast! I suck at bowling: I should win an award for most consecutive gutter balls. I almost got run over in the parking lot: I think God's trying to tell me something haha.Then I went back to a friends house with three other girls, and we watched The Incredible Hulk because we love Edward Norton. I slept through the first half of the movie haha.

The next day we all helped M. take care of the kids see was babysitting, and once they left it was time to get ready for drama. We're still working on choreography for all the songs. After that it was back to M's house to eat dinner and then leave to go to another basketball game. We went all out for this game. I put face paint on some of the girls' faces, so there was a bunch of us walking around with hand prints across our faces. I lost my voice cheering, and the gym was packed. Unfortunately, we lost, but it was still a lot of fun.

I have so much homework that I need to catch up on, and I really don't want to do it. After choosing to actually have a life for once, I'm finding it hard to give it up again for a life centered around school. I just have to make it through three more months.

First post of the New Year! I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. Mine was pretty interesting and filled with lots of laughter. Anyone care to share their New Year's resolution (s)?
I personally don't make them cause most likely I wont keep them = /. But I guess the common one that's pretty much a given is getting through the rest of school, which I'm not exactly excited to go back to on Monday. It feels so nice not having to worry about anything. Actually I have been very overwhelmed, but I procrastinate too much. Look, another flaw haha. There's so much I need to finish before going back to school, yet I find myself sitting around doing nothing.

Does the new year start with stress? The answer is most definitely.

It's been fun though because I've been talking to some friends I haven't talked to in years. Anywho I'll blog about something mildly amusing later.

Unfortunately no, I'm not moving out of the house yet, but I am moving into my own room. I've shared a room my whole life, but with three other sisters and a brother, sharing a room is a given. My parents promised I could have my older sister's room once she moved out. Of course, she moved out at the beginning of September. It's now almost the end of November. The only problem with moving downstairs is the possibility of getting my door taken away if I hibernate in there. I'm kinda in trouble cause I stay in my room a lot = /. One of the things I hate about moving to a different room is having to take ALL your things and organizing them all over again. So far I have a huge pile of clothes on the floor, and I'm still not done getting everything else in my room. In the end, I know I'll be happy .

Now on to other news. I saw Twilight last night with a friend and my older sister. And I can honestly say I was incredibly disappointed. I know the movie will never be the same as the book, but they could have at least tried. They really didn't. I was tempted to just walk out of the theater. There were some very good parts: I will give them credit for that. It probably would have been ok if I hadn't of read the book.

Other opinions about the movie?

Also, my first Trimester is finished. Finals were brutal. I spent last weekend doing Connections homework and preparing for finals. My English final was insane: We have to write a commonplace and a poem while trying to study our notes from Beowulf and Dante's Divine Comedies. So over the weekend all I got to was the writing portion of the final, which meant lots of cramming Monday night. I spent 5 and a half hours studying for that final: It was hard paying attention cause my brain was already fried and I was sleep deprived. Then to make my week even better, I took four finals all on Thursday (I missed two on Wednesday cause I was at my other school). The common response I got to that was, "You're crazy," or "You're going to die." I was taking finals from 8 a.m. until 3:30. The last final took was Chemistry. I'm usually pretty good at Chemistry, but I couldn't remember a single thing.

Here's to hoping I at least passed ha ha.

This weekend has been an interesting one to say the least. Friday was one of those ok days with a few highlights. We almost burned the school down in Chemistry class. I'll explain. We were doing a burning experiment except we didn't exactly have the proper equipment. So we lit rubbing alcohol on fire (smart, I know). I don't know if any of you know, but different salts burn different colors. I can't remember all the ones we tried; my favorite was Lithium Chloride. When burned, it turns the flame a hue of magenta. After awhile, my teacher thought it would be fun to lit a napkin on fire by dipping a small glass rode into the alcohol and putting onto the napkin. Well, the napkin didn't get damaged by the flame only cause it lasted for a couple seconds. So he proceeded to pour the rubbing alcohol onto a paper plate. As he was pouring, the fire burned him, so the alcohol went all over the table and floor. The sad thing was we all sat there watching it for the longest time. Finally my friend took out her water bottle, so we could put out the fire. Next on the list of events planned for Friday was a college lecture on Westmont. Westmont's college advisor was in the area, so she was invited to come to my school and speak. I'm all for going to college in Santa Barbara, but the whole Christian undergraduate liberal arts thing isn't my cup of tea. Why would I want to go to a College that's almost exactly like my school? I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in my high school went there. It's like the new NSA or Biola to them.


Now I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but yesterday night I made an exception. My family decided to sit down and watch Frankenstein, and as soon as that started I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to hang out, so I went. Yeah two guys and one girl isn't exactly the best thing. I mostly just sat there while they talked about crew and cars. I mean it was fun to get out of the house, but it also kinda taught me a little bit about myself. Funny how certain situations can do that. I'm SO different now. I don't like putting myself in situations where I'm just there to take up space. And the truth of the matter is, that's what happens most of the time. I'm not loud, outgoing, or all that funny. Friday night was just really eye opening. I only like hanging out with people I have something in common with. I love the guys I was hanging out with, but there was this obvious feeling to me that I didn't belong there.

Life really doesn't love me right now. I had a dance competition yesterday, which I was insanely nervous for. I thought I had packed everything in my dress bag, but I soon realized when I got there that I didn't have my kilt socks or my blouse. I was so upset with myself. The hard part was not dancing my first two dances and having to tell my teacher what happened. Something like this happened to me at my last competition, and the only thing that saved me from sitting out was that my teacher ran that competition. I'm not proud of this, but I cried three different times: That's how upset I was with myself. At the same time, I now know why there are only dance moms and very few dance dads. My mom had to work, so my dad had to take me to my competition. He was so antsy to leave. So I left before awards. I don't think I got anything though.

In other news, my dad decided not to take on another job, and I definitely don't agree with his reasoning on that one.

This month isn't looking so good. Already life has given me a bigger taste of reality then I can handle. Exactly what I needed...not. I know every now and then it's needed, but when it makes everything look like there's no way out, please don't bother if that makes sense. My family is in over our heads in financial difficulties, and things aren't looking so good. I'm glad that they're letting me know what's going on, yet at the same time it's tough because I can't help or do anything about it. My mom teaches at my school, then goes to work at a grocery store right after she gets off. Now my dad has gotten a second job, which he will do every weekend for the rest of this year. After that, he can choose when and what days he works. All of this just to make ends meet. It is now offically my job to run the house.

It’s not my parents’ fault that we’re in this mess; it’s my sisters’ fault. I love them to death, but they haven’t made things any easier for my parents. My parents are doing everything they can for my sisters like paying their car bill, etc. if they don’t have the money; we can’t do all that much though. My oldest sister moved away in March, leaving behind a massive debt. She’s paying it off, but this guy kept calling and calling us. Eventually, we had to change our phone number. This guy kept insisting that my mom had to pay off the debt; even though, she had faxed documentation showing that the debt was my sister’s, and that she was paying and had been paying it off. This hasn’t satisfied him. Apparently, if my mom doesn’t take immediate action now, they are going to have to take legal action against her. IT’S NOT EVEN HER FING DEBT!

As for my other sister, she’s a bit of a shopaholic. She really doesn’t know how to manage her money. She recently moved to an apartment with three other girls to be closer to her college. Oh dear, more irony. She can’t even pay the rent. I’ve loaned her money (remember, I don’t have a job) to help her with some previous payments, but this time neither me nor my younger sister nor my parents could do anything to help her. One day when she came back home (she comes home a lot); I asked her why she even moved out. It would be better for her if she just moved back home. She just gave me this look, and I knew what she meant. She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t want to: She finally had her “freedom.” To make matters worse, she got hit by a car. They were going to pay for her to get her car fixed, but then she was getting billed for it. I still don’t know exactly why. Today, she totals her car. It’s her fault this time. Guess who pays for her car: My parents.

Snowball effect in action. Not the prettiest thing ever.

I really need to take a mental health day. I think that apathy is a terrible thing to have: It’s like a disease. Of course, I just happen to have apathy and lethargy, among other things. I know what I have to do, and I do it because I have to. But school is definitely taking a lot out of me now. It’s more my private school not Connections: If anything, Connections is where I want to be. I rarely ever speak in class anymore because I no longer care. This sounds really bad, but as I read this, I’m being really vague. Not on purpose. A friend asked me if I was ok (again what is with that question?!) because I didn’t say a word in English class, and I actually told her that I just didn’t care. It’s very unusual for me to not speak in English, but I haven’t been for the past two weeks. I think it’s because my heart (so to speak) is no longer there. I can push myself through the rest of the school year, doing the things required of me, but it’s not going to be enjoyable or pretty.

As for things at home, I’m literally drowning in all things I have to do. I’m needed more then ever now, but I just wish I could get away from it all. A vacation is definitely needed. My younger sister has once again started judging me. In my mind, she’s little Miss Righteous. We have our moments, but mostly our relationship isn’t that great. Yesterday, I was telling her how I didn’t like that out 13 year old brother had a facebook now cause all he would do is chat online and mostly to girls. Immediately she snapped back at me saying I was no better because all I do is talk to boys. I told her no that’s not the case. And even if I do, they’re my friends. Well after awhile, out of the blue she said that our parents were right in not trusting me because they shouldn’t. I didn’t let on to this, but that hurt. And to make matters worse, she thinks she knows my every motive for doing things when in reality, she know nothing. She doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling right now. The thing that makes me laugh is the fact that she wants to be told about things that are going on, but I can’t do that with out getting mocked or made fun of or down right judged.

I was asked how I manage 11 classes, so I answer that question. I do all my private school work during the week, and get my Wednesday assignments early, so I can get some things done ahead. I do all my Connections assignments on the weekends plus whatever assignments I get from my other school. I guess it’s about time I learned time management haha.

I have another homework filled three day weekend...goodie.

I have no clue what's going on with me anymore. I feel so withdrawn lately, and I don't just want to blame it on lack of sleep or too much homework or something like that. My Rhetoric teacher asked my friend and I if something was going on because we didn't seem to be our usual selves. This was probably more directed towards me because my teacher has the uncanny ability to always sense when something might be wrong in my life. I hadn't really thought much about how withdrawn I felt until she asked. Of course, then I started racking my brain trying to find a reason why. What's more annoying then not being able the express yourself when something is wrong, is when you can't really explain to yourself what's going on.



Well, I guess an update of what's been going on with me is in order. School takes up 95% of my time, but so far I'm surviving. I recently dropped my WA State History class in favor of an American Lit class. I'm happy with my decision, and it looks like it will be an great class. I had the dreaded picture day this past Wednesday at Connections. Yeah...I've haven't taken a good school picture ever. Oh well I guess. Maybe my pictures will turn out better at my other school's picture day. Oh, another thing I decided on doing is cutting my hair off yet again. Right now it's the longest it's ever been in a year, but it's really annoying. It's nice when it curls right, but that isn't very often (yes, I have naturally curly hair). If I do cut my hair off (hopefully this weekend), I wont be able to put it up for my competition = /.



Ugh. Ok so not only am I taking on 11 classes, but I also play mom at home. My mom is working two jobs just to make ends meet, so she's never really home any more. This morning she was running around the house yell at me for not keeping things cleaner. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT?! I don't have all the time in the world to make sure the house is absolutely spotless. And it's not like I get that much help from anyone else. I'm doing my best... I try to get dinner on the table every night, and I try to keep up on the laundry, and I try to clean the house as best I can. But I can't stress this enough, I really don't have a lot of time. Now my dad has a second job. Things get worse before they get better, right? I sure hope so.



Well I have a three day weekend this week that is going to be filled with homework...oh joy.

Yes, it's that time of year again where goodbyes to summer are in order, and the dreaded alarm is set. School is starting up, which means sleep deprivation, the coffee maker on overdrive, exams to study for (or should I say cram for), and friends to share it all with. No more lazy days, no more sleeping in, and no more freedom. Ok maybe we still have a little freedom. Now all we have to do is make it through the next nine months. Easy right?

I start school tomorrow bright and early. To tell you all the truth I'm definitely the farthest thing away from a morning person. Getting up at 5 in the morning is not my cup of tea. Here's the funny part: I'm going to two schools this year. I'm going to Providence 4 days a week and Connection every Wednesday starting September 10. I will have no social life or time at all; The brilliance of it all was it's my choice. I'm not dreading it yet, but I'm not happy about things either. Although, I'm very excited about going to Connections because it will be something new. I've been at Providence for the past ten years (!). Time for a change...again easy right? Wrong. The two school thing was a compromise between my parents and I.

So it's time to don my uniform, and put my thinking cap on. We'll see how well I make it though the coming months. Maybe...just maybe I'll survive it all.