Maybe it's just me, but does it make you mad when your own siblings go through your stuff and think they can take whatever they want without asking? I'll admit I've had times where I've done that. Now I know just how annoying it can be. I've ignored this stealing ever since my older sister moved back in a couple months ago. But yesterday I decided no more. I'm not just going to stand there while she goes through my closet when I leave or when I find my undergarments in her stuff. She has more clothes then I will ever own, and yet she thinks she needs my stuff too.

So I got angry when I saw she took one of my swimsuits without asking. And of course her thinking is I can't be mad at her for stealing stuff, but she can get mad at me if I wear something of hers. And the stuff I wear that she owns are mostly just white camis. I stay away from all of her expensive Ed Hardy stuff. Well that didn't put my in a good mood for the cast party last night. When I got home, I wanted to get the whole thing off my chest. I starting texting P. (not the one from TN) thinking he would be there for me.

I was wrong. Instead he's telling me he'll give me a hug if I'm nice to S. I said no thank you. Then he tells me to kill him first if I ever go crazy. By then I was pissed off. Is this how he expected to help me? He was being inconsiderate: I was finally opening up to him like he always wanted me to, and this is what I get. Next he wanted me to sneak out and meet him. NO! I just said he was out of his mind, and good night.

I tried. I really wanted someone I could talk to about what I hide inside. It looks like that will never happen. I think it's just better if I keep things to myself from now on. It just works better that way. He was feeling things that I don't know if I felt. I mean things that go past the realm of just being friends. Is it time to just grow apart? Or just try to salvage what we still have? It's kind wierd how something so simple can lead to something this complicated. Either way I choose is going to be heard. Can I handle it.

I noticed something about myself recently, and it's a little disconcerting. I can never seem to be happy on my own. If I am, it's an ephemeral happiness. I really feel like I steal my happiness from other people. It's like I need other people in my life to make me happy; otherwise, I'm miserable and left alone with my thoughts. Having people who are fun to be around is one thing, but when you're feeding off of their happiness, it's completely different (that last part sounds weird, sorry). I go from one person to the next until something goes wrong. I'm not saying that I leave all my friends once they don't make me happy. Wow I sound so ridiculous right now, but hopefully someone out there understands what I mean.

There are certain people in my life, who always make me happy, and I never want them to leave. But there are other people who I've gotten to know, and once they're no longer in my life I feel this void. This emptiness. This loss of happiness that they once supplied.

I can hang out with friends and be completely happy, but once I'm home it's like I can no longer be happy. This is all very confusing, and I am sorry about that.