I got my answer, and I didn’t even have to ask. You all may remember the content of my past post Why Worry?; well now I can tell you how it all ends. I decided not to ask J. if he liked me or not. Instead, I went to my dad and informed him that I was interested in J. Of course, my dad already suspected as much. My dad advised me not to do anything about it right now because we are both still young, and J is going off to college.


I thought that made sense, so I did nothing. I hadn’t seen J. for the past couple weeks: I’ve been working, and he’s been on multiple trips. Last Friday (T and J were throwing a grad party) was the first time I’d seen any of my friends in a while. Later on in the evening, J started to be touchy-feely with me –not to say I didn’t like that. He had his arm around me frequently, and I knew he had to like me.

I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing, yet everyone was still cautioning me not to get my hopes up or thinking too much about it. They were right. This morning J came up to me and told me he felt bad about being all touchy-feely with me. “I just want to be friends.”


Anger. Embarrassment. Disappointment. Sadness. Rejection. How could I be so blind? I’m a little mad if he was leading me on the whole time. I’m kicking myself for even beginning to hope that he was different. That I thought something great could come from liking him. But here I sit; hurt all over again. Now I’m glad I don’t see him often, and it’ll be easy to avoid him until he leaves. I won’t have to look into his eyes or feel him wrap his arms around me again. I don't understand why he didn't say anything sooner; this had been an ongoing occurrence.


To top it all off, I might be crazy enough to declare a vow of chastity. We’ll see.

Maybe it's just me, but does it make you mad when your own siblings go through your stuff and think they can take whatever they want without asking? I'll admit I've had times where I've done that. Now I know just how annoying it can be. I've ignored this stealing ever since my older sister moved back in a couple months ago. But yesterday I decided no more. I'm not just going to stand there while she goes through my closet when I leave or when I find my undergarments in her stuff. She has more clothes then I will ever own, and yet she thinks she needs my stuff too.

So I got angry when I saw she took one of my swimsuits without asking. And of course her thinking is I can't be mad at her for stealing stuff, but she can get mad at me if I wear something of hers. And the stuff I wear that she owns are mostly just white camis. I stay away from all of her expensive Ed Hardy stuff. Well that didn't put my in a good mood for the cast party last night. When I got home, I wanted to get the whole thing off my chest. I starting texting P. (not the one from TN) thinking he would be there for me.

I was wrong. Instead he's telling me he'll give me a hug if I'm nice to S. I said no thank you. Then he tells me to kill him first if I ever go crazy. By then I was pissed off. Is this how he expected to help me? He was being inconsiderate: I was finally opening up to him like he always wanted me to, and this is what I get. Next he wanted me to sneak out and meet him. NO! I just said he was out of his mind, and good night.

I tried. I really wanted someone I could talk to about what I hide inside. It looks like that will never happen. I think it's just better if I keep things to myself from now on. It just works better that way. He was feeling things that I don't know if I felt. I mean things that go past the realm of just being friends. Is it time to just grow apart? Or just try to salvage what we still have? It's kind wierd how something so simple can lead to something this complicated. Either way I choose is going to be heard. Can I handle it.

(The Duke and Dauphin)

The play was simply spectacular: I'm so happy I decided to try out for it. The cast became my second family, and I'm going to miss spending hours with them after school every day. It's been a long journey, but a rewarding one. The play could not have gone better. Three of the performances were completely sold out. This kinda raised the stakes though.

I had one nervous break down the day before opening night. During the one of the songs, I have to jump off of a flat that is four feet into the air. Did I mention there are four of us on that flat? Plus, we're jumping over someone who is pretending to be asleep. I wanted to practice jumping off before we did a run through, but I couldn't do it. I just stood up there freaking myself out. I had K come up and jump with me, and even then I couldn't do it. Then J. came and kinda gave me a pep talk. The three of us were supposed to jump off together, but, once again, I couldn't jump off. By this time I was so nervous about not being able to do this simple thing once the time came. Eventually my director came over and was going to help me jump off; I fell apart. I ran off stage crying. I felt very embarrassed. My director found me and offered an alternative instead of jumping, but I wasn't ready to take the easy way out. The good news is I jumped off for every performance.

I loved being the Duke; even though, it meant I had to be a man. The makeup artist had fun trying to make me look more manly, and when she was finished she would say, "You look so pretty...I mean handsome." I couldn't take myself seriously in the makeup until I put on the costume. The side burns were hilarious though, and ripping them off was even better. I even dyed my hair to match them. I didn't know how great it was to be somebody different on stage. Once I was on stage it wasn't me who was acting: I was the Duke.

The cast had so much fun back stage. We would mouth the words to every song and dance if we knew the choreography. Of course, then there were the numerous "dance parties" we had while getting our makeup done. Did I mention how many inside jokes we started? I would share, but I'm afraid none of you would get them haha.

Some of the time E. and I had to pretend to have conversations until our lines came, so we would start talking about what we were going to do once we bought the pixie dust, and how we were going to steal Billy's watch, then it turned into us mouthing, "Watermelon jello chocolate peanut butter." One of us would respond, "No not the chocolate. I can't eat that." Both of us are lactards.

(product of one of the inside jokes)

(We're home!)

(Stroking the facial hair)

After the last performance, the guys take down the set, and the girls take care of the costumes. While the guys were still working, a bunch of us stood around talking and having a great time joking around. I think at one point we all broke out into the hokey-pokey. Of course, by then it was midnight. I met one of J's friends, Stevie (I'll use his nickname because it's nowhere near his actual name). We actually hit it off and spent most of the night talking. I drove with him to the school and then to Denny's. At Denny's, I crashed: The endorphins completely wore off, and I wanted to go to sleep so bad. But then the food came, so that made everything all better. Who knew breakfast at 2 a.m. could taste so good? Stevie came over to sit with me; I ditched him shortly after we got to Denny's to go sit with my sister. Well I wouldn't say ditched: I was sharing food with my sister, and I hate eating in front of people especially guys. Around 3 we all decided it was time to go home. Hugs and good byes were exchanged (multiple times I might add), and then T. drove my sister and I home. I almost fell asleep in the car.

So now I find myself having MakeBelieve withdrawals and talking about group therapy with the cast. It's hard to believe the sort of attachment and bond that forms during rehearsals. All the years I wasn't in the play, I hated everyone who was in it. The reason for that was mostly because they had what I wanted. They were a family and had so much fun together. This year I finally got the chance to be apart of that, and I loved every minute. I got to know the cast so well and developed friendships I never thought possible. It also gave me a chance to show them a side of me that no one has ever seen before. I just wish it wasn't over yet.

I just got off the phone with K., and that was without a doubt the worst conversation I've ever had. I don't get what's with him. Here's some of the things that happened: He told me he wanted to see The Watchmen, and I adviced him not to. My older sister just saw it and told me all it was just a bunch of blood and sex. Knowing K. didn't want anything to do with sex right now, I told him what my sister told me. Immediately he said he was definitely going to see it now. "Hold up...what?!" That didn't make any sense, so I asked him why he would see it if he's trying to reform his life. "I'm still a guy..." "I'M STILL A GUY?! You've got to be kidding me," I thought. If you're trying not to have certain thoughts, then why would you go and see a movie with sexual content?



"It takes time, Lonely Heart. Change isn't going to happen in one week." I of all people know that. But you can start by not watching (I'm just going to call it what it is) porn. So the whole time I'm listening to him thinking, "He's a hypocrite." I didn't tell him that, yet now I'm thinking I should have. After that, he started calling me a lesbian. "So now he has to be rude." He said he was only kidding cause he knows I'm not, but why say something like that?

On another note, here's a song I started listening to and loved it immediately.

Well I'm in for an insanely busy week: Drama is five days a week now from 3-6, and some how I'll have to fit dance in on Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8. Oh and maybe fit homework somewhere in there.

Ugh I haven't been on in forever. I blame it all on finals, which took up all my time. The jury is still out on how I did on all of them though. This week has been tough, and it has definitely pushed me to my limits. By Thursday I was so out of it, and it was hilarious. I actually walked into a door after mentally telling myself I needed to open it. I'm just so glad they're over, but even with them being over there was no time to catch up on sleep. For the first time in Lonely Heart history, I went to a school fling thing. There was no guilt tripping involved; it was my choice.

The high school and junior high went to the high school basketball tournament and then bowling. It was a blast! I suck at bowling: I should win an award for most consecutive gutter balls. I almost got run over in the parking lot: I think God's trying to tell me something haha.Then I went back to a friends house with three other girls, and we watched The Incredible Hulk because we love Edward Norton. I slept through the first half of the movie haha.

The next day we all helped M. take care of the kids see was babysitting, and once they left it was time to get ready for drama. We're still working on choreography for all the songs. After that it was back to M's house to eat dinner and then leave to go to another basketball game. We went all out for this game. I put face paint on some of the girls' faces, so there was a bunch of us walking around with hand prints across our faces. I lost my voice cheering, and the gym was packed. Unfortunately, we lost, but it was still a lot of fun.

I have so much homework that I need to catch up on, and I really don't want to do it. After choosing to actually have a life for once, I'm finding it hard to give it up again for a life centered around school. I just have to make it through three more months.

I think we all have certain songs that we feel are pretty much written just for us. Every word in the lyrics matches your life. Well I have come across one of those songs recently, and I thought I would share it with you all.

What are some of the songs that describe you?

Update: Right now I'm feeling under the weather: My head is killing me and my nose is all runny =/. Of course I get sick at the best time; finals are this week.

I feel a little better emotionally since my last blog. I completely broke yesterday and ended up talking to my younger sister of all people. She helped a lot. I'm coming to terms with things now, and I'm slowly starting to reform my life I guess you could say. I know it's going to take some time before I ever feel 100% again, but I'm happier now.

As for K., we've talked twice, and we haven't talked since. It still hurts, but it might be time to move on, and I'm just glad he was in my life. There was obviously a reason why he entered my life when he did. We'll see how things end up.

Hmmm I'm getting really good at losing friends. Who would've thunk it? Of course right now I'm not exactly sure, but I'm pretty positive that I'm going to be saying good bye to yet another friendship. So much for all the time and effort I put into it. So much for getting close to someone again. So much for trying to be there no matter what. Another failed attempt, and another person I will never be able to move on from. By now you probably want me to get on with things and just tell you what's going on.

Things between me and K. have been somewhat strained recently. I don't really understand what happened or if anything actually happened. Maybe it's just one of those "we're growing a part" kind of things. It's been really rocky all of last week, and this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back (well my back really).

He went to this thing called Disciple Now at his church. And I guess something really moved him. Last night I received this text from him telling me that he had changed. He said he wouldn't swear and do other things I wont mention ever again. My reaction was very mixed. On the one hand, I was really happy for him, but at the same time I was think "Good luck with that: You'll need it." Another thought that occurred simultaneously was "He's not going to be all that fun to talk to anymore." His new found change meant that I would have to change the way I am when I talk to him if that makes sense. Well I didn't text him back...

And there has been no communication since. I feel bad about the whole thing really. I just kind of don't know what to do cause I feel like we're not on the same page anymore.

It is my personal opinion that if you want any relationship to work you must have honesty. Honesty is a hard thing: It doesn't come naturally to most people. Sometimes being honest with another person means stepping on their toes. I think it's worse to keep something from another person, then it is to tell them. At least if you tell the person, you can work things out. Can you do that if you keep what is bugging you to yourself? Absolutely not. Yet how come this is how most people are? They choose to tell everyone else except the very person the issue concerns. I read this book by Sarah Dessen called Just Listen (I strongly recommend reading it), and in the book was a boy named Owen. Owen was the type of person who is committed to telling the truth no matter the cost. I want more people to be like that.

Well you all know about my friend K. Prepare yourselves, you're in for a small rant. One night he called me, and it was so obvious that he was sad about something. I asked him what it was hoping I could help through whatever was bugging. He wouldn't tell me a single thing. I kinda got a little fed up with it cause I was already depressed and couldn't handle him being sad too. The next day he texts my saying he was happy: This made me happy too. But once we got on the phone, he wasn't happy at all. Again I asked him what was wrong, and pushed a little harder for information. All he would say is he was confused about stuff, The conversation ended quickly after that. For some weird reason I got the feeling his problem somehow involved me, which would explain why he wouldn't tell me anything.

I'm not one for assumptions, so I just tucked that thought away. I started talking to another friend, and eventually I spilled about my depressive mood and the enigmatic situation between me and K. I shared with him my idea. He said, "that's the other way i think it was going but i didn't want to mention it..cuz that's the way i am with you a lot of the time when I'm not happy. idk.." This immediately threw us into a conversation about honesty.

All I want is for people to be honest with me. Is that too much to ask for? It shouldn't be hard. Honesty is a part of communication, and without communication there is no relationship.

So this blog is devoted to my amazing bestie K. = D. Well where do I being? We haven't talked in 12 or 13 years, but we started talking to each other at the beginning of January. It was rather random I must admit: It began with him telling me interesting facts he found online, and that quickly changed to me asking 500 bajillion questions. That led into insanely long phone conversations. We literally talk every day: It just doesn't seem right if we don't. Within a short amount of time we've gotten to be really close. I think he knew more about me in one week then anyone knows about me now.

I tell him everything.

I remember not too long ago when I was first having trouble with P., I sat on my bed (in tears of course) and the first thought that came to me was I need to talk to K. After I ranted about everything that had happened, he offered to call me to cheer me up. He had me laughing and smiling within minutes. Any of you who have read my past blog posts on what happened with P. know that K. was there every step of the way. I don't know what I would have done without him.

There hasn't really been any depressing moments in my life since he came into it. He can definitely make me laugh till my sides hurt. Words can't describe how much this kid means to me. He's supportive, understanding, hilarious, random, and pretty much the nicest guy I know. I'm so thankful for him.

Finding friends that are there for you no matter what isn't easy. You never know when you might cross paths with someone like that. And when you do, hold onto them. Life, it seems, starts to make more sense when you have someone like that.

There's a new complication in my twisted love story. Things I guess were going ok after the whole other relationship incident, but again I guess I overlooked things. He called me while I was making dinner, and after sometime he said, "So I've decided something..." Immediately I thought, "Oh crap." He decided he just wanted to be my "big brother" for now, and he deleted every pic I had sent him. I didn't know how to respond to that. Along with his decision meant that there would be no flirting, etc. He kept saying that I might find some other guy, who would be better for me. I guess he didn't exactly comprehend how much I wanted him and only him. After we said good bye, another piece of me was taken, and I knew there really wouldn't be anymore day long conversations. I struggled so much to choke back the tears during dinner...

I talked to K. about it again, and his first response was, "WTF?!" He had never heard of a guy telling that to a girl before. He was really sorry I had to go through something like this and offered to help in anyway he could, so he called me to cheer me up. I'm very thankful for him right now.

As it turns out, I was right about not talking much anymore. Usually he texts me to say good morning. Those stopped coming. It wasn't until I was done with drama and headed home that he actually decided to text me. I was in no mood to talk to him though. All of my response were only a couple words, and a few texts later the conversation fizzled out. I seriously just want to ask him if he even likes me anymore. I need to know because if he doesn't, I have to find some way to move on. Easier said then done, of course.

I'm tired of people (especially guys) who walk in and steal a part of me and then leave. And I'm very tired of putting my whole heart into something just to have it taken away.

First post of the New Year! I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. Mine was pretty interesting and filled with lots of laughter. Anyone care to share their New Year's resolution (s)?
I personally don't make them cause most likely I wont keep them = /. But I guess the common one that's pretty much a given is getting through the rest of school, which I'm not exactly excited to go back to on Monday. It feels so nice not having to worry about anything. Actually I have been very overwhelmed, but I procrastinate too much. Look, another flaw haha. There's so much I need to finish before going back to school, yet I find myself sitting around doing nothing.

Does the new year start with stress? The answer is most definitely.

It's been fun though because I've been talking to some friends I haven't talked to in years. Anywho I'll blog about something mildly amusing later.

This weekend has been an interesting one to say the least. Friday was one of those ok days with a few highlights. We almost burned the school down in Chemistry class. I'll explain. We were doing a burning experiment except we didn't exactly have the proper equipment. So we lit rubbing alcohol on fire (smart, I know). I don't know if any of you know, but different salts burn different colors. I can't remember all the ones we tried; my favorite was Lithium Chloride. When burned, it turns the flame a hue of magenta. After awhile, my teacher thought it would be fun to lit a napkin on fire by dipping a small glass rode into the alcohol and putting onto the napkin. Well, the napkin didn't get damaged by the flame only cause it lasted for a couple seconds. So he proceeded to pour the rubbing alcohol onto a paper plate. As he was pouring, the fire burned him, so the alcohol went all over the table and floor. The sad thing was we all sat there watching it for the longest time. Finally my friend took out her water bottle, so we could put out the fire. Next on the list of events planned for Friday was a college lecture on Westmont. Westmont's college advisor was in the area, so she was invited to come to my school and speak. I'm all for going to college in Santa Barbara, but the whole Christian undergraduate liberal arts thing isn't my cup of tea. Why would I want to go to a College that's almost exactly like my school? I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in my high school went there. It's like the new NSA or Biola to them.


Now I don't really do anything on Friday nights, but yesterday night I made an exception. My family decided to sit down and watch Frankenstein, and as soon as that started I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to hang out, so I went. Yeah two guys and one girl isn't exactly the best thing. I mostly just sat there while they talked about crew and cars. I mean it was fun to get out of the house, but it also kinda taught me a little bit about myself. Funny how certain situations can do that. I'm SO different now. I don't like putting myself in situations where I'm just there to take up space. And the truth of the matter is, that's what happens most of the time. I'm not loud, outgoing, or all that funny. Friday night was just really eye opening. I only like hanging out with people I have something in common with. I love the guys I was hanging out with, but there was this obvious feeling to me that I didn't belong there.

Life really doesn't love me right now. I had a dance competition yesterday, which I was insanely nervous for. I thought I had packed everything in my dress bag, but I soon realized when I got there that I didn't have my kilt socks or my blouse. I was so upset with myself. The hard part was not dancing my first two dances and having to tell my teacher what happened. Something like this happened to me at my last competition, and the only thing that saved me from sitting out was that my teacher ran that competition. I'm not proud of this, but I cried three different times: That's how upset I was with myself. At the same time, I now know why there are only dance moms and very few dance dads. My mom had to work, so my dad had to take me to my competition. He was so antsy to leave. So I left before awards. I don't think I got anything though.

In other news, my dad decided not to take on another job, and I definitely don't agree with his reasoning on that one.

I really don't know how to describe the feeling other than defeat. Even that doesn't get the point across. Ever have someone torn from your life? I'm not talking about death. No, rather it's a type of metaphorical death. Yet one that you can never seem to come to terms with. The wound only rips open; Growing and growing till there's nothing left. You try to distract yourself, but that only alleviates the pain for a short time. Then you go off thinking you can fill the growing void or at least numb that pain. But one way or another it creeps to the front of your mind. Unforgettable. How could things get this bad? What's worse is how could I let them get this way? I'm almost tempted to shut myself off from the world. Honestly, I don't know how I'm holding myself together at this point.

To many people that I have come to love dearly are gone in the blink of an eye. I just want to go back to when things actually made sense. My life actually made sense. I had friends I could talk to and trust: Friends I would give my life for. But now they're gone, and I don't know why. They say people change; however, does that mean that change has to separate people?

I can't take it anymore! I don't want the people I have grown so close to, to just disappear. To never talk to me again. Every time I see them or hear about them or look at a picture, I'm just reminded of all the fun times we've shared. Only now that can no longer be. How do you move on from something like this? I would really like to know. Please. Somebody just help me try to sort through all the mess I've created. I don't want to feel like this anymore; I'm sick of it. Maybe I just need to grow more as a person and learn to accept things for what they are. But when you feel like people keep taking pieces of you with them when they leave, what's left?

I'm sick of shaking

never waking

from the hell I achieve

I never knew you till you left me

with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring

way to buckle the knees

So mistreated, I repeated

Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated

I will stand on my own

Yeah your memory that punches me

has broken the bone.