Saturday, August 30, 2008

He loves me. He loves me not.

Teens are always looking for someone to "fall in love" with, but end up getting crushed over and over again in the process. Why do we let ourselves go through that kind of emotional pain? I personally think that teens use the phrase "I love you" far too often. We're too young to know anything about love yet. I love you comes with commitment, and most of us aren't ready to face that. How can we learn anything about commitment when we're constantly breaking up and finding someone else. Granted, your high school bf(s)/gf(s) aren't going to be your soul mates. Also, I don't deny that some do truly feel strongly about their bf/gf, which translates into saying "I love you."

But how do you know when it's appropriate to say that? How do you know if what you're feeling is genuine? Is it determined by how long you're together or the bond you have? I honestly have no clue. I have been guilty of using that phrase too loosely, but there is one person that I feel I said it to and meant it. Story time...

We have a history...obviously. Unfortunately, I think I realized my feelings a little too late this time around. It's been one of those on again off again relationships that finally came to a halt at the beginning of the summer. It was a messy ending. I was scared I would never move on from him. We had tried to be friends, but it was too painful for me. Although, I never told him that. So I was glad, yet a little sad, when we no longer talked and ignored each other.

'"Because you never go from going out to being friends, just like that," I explained. "It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of the break up. And someone takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."' - This Lullaby
I read this in a book and thought it was actually true; it definitely lined up well with what had already happened. So I resolved not to get involved with him again. I did distract myself to the point where I thought I really was over him.

Until recently when a friend told me he still liked me. I immediately flipped out. For a couple days I toyed with the idea of being in a relationship with him again. But I psyched myself out, and was set on rejecting him. Of course now we were talking again, which made everything ever so more complicated for me. I knew very well that I emotionally couldn't handle this (I was in the midst of a mental break down). So when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't say anything in response. He soon figured out I was saying no and apologized for asking me. Words can't describe how wretched I felt.

Now we're back to trying to be friends, but the thing is I MADE A MISTAKE! Here's the ironic part: He already likes someone else. Mind you this was 3 days (more or less) after I "said" no. So I'm silently screaming, "I WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY. PLEASE PICK ME!" While at the same time thinking I should just keep quiet and let him date this other girl. Somehow I'll find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. The only problem is I ran out of duck tape a long time ago.

Outside all of this relationship mess, he's pretty much one of the best friends I've ever had. He knows me the best, he can easily read my mood, and cares about me. Yep I've put myself in the best situation...ha ha. I really have no choice: I've made my bed. The truth is I know things would be easier if we didn't talk, but I don't want that. Even considering that makes me feel like I would lose so much that way...a part of myself.


Katy4545 said...

That has happened to me to. It sucks when the guy you like is with another girl.