Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Hiding Behind a Wall

"She's just a little too scared to get close to anyone because everyone who said, 'I'll be there,'...left."

I recently had a "talk" with my parents about how I was acting. I should say our talks are more like my parents ranting about a whole bunch of things, and me usually standing there. I guess they finally noticed my withdrawn manner, which had been going on for two months, but somehow slipped by them. I normally don't tell them anything that is going on in my life. When I do, I immediately wish I could take back everything I said. I don't like it when they, or people in general, know my personal life. I feel exposed. Naked. And it is not a comfortable feeling I might add. And most of the time, my family takes advantage of what I do tell them and use it against me. Well, back to the talk, it surprised me how much my parents got right about me. (I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much) My dad told me I was building a wall between me and the rest of the world. Also, that I didn't like having relationships with other people. I stood there and said in my mind, "Exactly."

I'm not going to lie here, but I basically have one friend, and pretty much not even that. I have numerous acquaintances, but no true friends. The one "friend" I do have I share a lot more of my life with, but still not exactly in detail. To be honest, we were forced into a friendship. In a class of four, we had to cling to each other. I do not mean that in a negative way. As it turns out we go through similar situations, so we're a pretty good match. We're the...different ones so to speak.

But I think I finally shut down after so many of my previous friends walked in and out of my life. All of them promising 'to be there for me.' Those are empty words to me now. I can look at the past and smile, but after a second the pain sets in: Overwhelming my senses, so that I'm screaming out for the memories to stop. I double over and choke back the tears that threaten to come streaming down my cheecks. I don't want to be hurt. And in this life, there isn't much we can do to escape getting hurt, but I'm going to do whatever I can not to be crushed. If that means building a wall, then the stones must be laid. And this all fits perfectly into who I already am. In a sense, I am choosing a life of solitude, but at the moment that is all I want.

So for the moment, I am hiding behind and wall. My safe zone. The only way of life I've known for so many years.


Anonymous said...

I am anti-social too, it's not a bad thing. And I think though that one friend is better than no friend. If you don't want to interact with people though that's not a bad thing because a lot of famous people were recluses. Like Emily Dickinson and The Phantom of the Opera. Also keep in mind, no friend is better than a bad friend.

Anonymous said...

I hate when people try to "bring me out of my shell." I'm not unhappy, I just will ALWAYS be weird and quiet. My mom thinks anti-socialness is like a disease that should be cured by all means.

Luna said...

I agree with Wandering Child.

I always say that it'd my dad's fault (he's anti-social, too), but my mom's worried about me. It's probably because I have serial killer books. (I think she thinks I'm going to go on a killing spree or kill myself.)

For a while, I thought I might be depressed, but I didn't really care. I was fine the way I was and brushed it off.

Nicole Linette said...

After being betrayed or somehow hurt by friends, I understand that wall.. in my posts I may come off as the social-butterfly, but there's always a wall there, wary and precautious of how close I get to people. Talking to parents is the worst, in my opinion ! Ugh I usually break down crying as well, but sometimes I just need to let them know things. I guess it's up to you whether your friend is worth keeping or not.