Sunday, November 30, 2008

Who Am I?

Do you ever get that feeling when you look in the mirror and you have no idea who that is staring back. Yes, it's the same face: The same eyes sadly laughing back at you, the same lips pressed into a hard grimace. Yet there's something strangely different about that face. You don't recognize the features as your own. You blink once or twice, and pinch yourself just to make sure this isn't some dream. That person staring back at you isn't really you; it's an imposture. As you stand there quietly gazing at your reflection, you start to think that maybe this is you. It's just not the person you thought you'd turn out to be. This person turned out to be horribly wrong: The exact opposite of what you had envisioned. And this new person frankly scares you to death.

What happened? When did I lose myself? Now you're faced with the dilemma of finding your way back to the person you once were or accepting this new, strange person.

But what if you didn't really like who you were before that much to begin with? I mean the person you were before is someone you can live with, it's just not all that great either. In a way, you're suck between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately change doesn't necessarily happen in the blink of an eye. And there's no way of knowing if the change is going to be for the better or for the worse. I would have to say there are certain parts of who I was before that I really liked. I liked being quiet, but loud around friends. I love laughing and joking around. My randomness is something I can't live without, and the fact that no one really seems to know who I am. I am unreadable. I'm incredibly fine with being anti-social. But where did I go wrong?

Now I've done some things that are way out of character. I don't exactly regret them, but I don't really like them either. But I know one thing, I can't continue with this new me. Eventually a line has to be drawn and boundaries made. How? Is it too late?


Anonymous said...

I feel that way every day. I'm 16, don't do extracurriculars, I contribute nothing to society . . .

Well, if every instinct you have is wrong, the opposite would have to be correct. If you're really desperate, do a George Costanza and do the opposite of what you'd normally do. Ignore every cry for common sense and good judgement you ever had. It's crazy. But so crazy . . . it just . . . might . . . work.

--Silly--Jedi-- said...

very nice post. i understand. but am too numb to make an impressive comment. haha. :D

Red said...

It's not that you are losing yourself, you are growing, and hopefully maturing. And along the way you may not always like who you are or some of the things you do...get use to it, that is life.

As long as you catch yourself before you do something completely stupid, then you are good to go, but also be prepared for making some hugely dumb mistakes. Mistakes are fine, 'if' you learn from them, if not then you are stupid.