Saturday, November 12, 2011

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life.

This journey of self-discovery is never ending, and I feel like I'm starting down this path once again. I may have just had a break through. Ever since school ended I've been dealing with having way too much time on my hands. There has been no social life to balance out the sitting, reading, and doing nothing. Needless to say, I've been going out of my mind. Depression. Passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, it's all been directed toward my boyfriend. It's like I'm mad at him for having a life and friends, which is absurd!

Every other Tuesday I meet with a friend/talk therapist/life coach. In talking all of this over, I've come to better understand myself. I'm an introvert plain and simple. I like being around people, but after awhile I need my space --my alone time. For some reason I can't seem to be ok with being an introvert. I desperately wish I wasn't, and that seems to be the problem. After the meeting, I realize that what I'm looking for is not a bunch of friends, but a few really close friends. And I'll probably have to wait to find those friends until after I move.

So coming to terms with being an introvert.

L. thought it would be important for my boyfriend to really know this part of me before I moved out there to be with him. I'm going to have to becomes friends with a group of people who have known each other for a pretty long time. As a shy person, this is no easy task. For me, nothing is worse than sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk about things that they only know, and no one has even really made an attempt to include you. Nothing really makes you feel more alone than actually being in a group of people, but still being on the outside. At that point, I'd rather be doing nothing by myself. I need to know he's there to be my support to ease me into the group, not run off with his friends and leave me in the dust.

I was reminded of my trip out to see my boyfriend back in to June. One event stands out in particular: M. and I went downtown to meet up with one of his friends. I'd heard a lot about her, and I'm more than certain she had heard a lot about me, so now we were finally meeting. As we sat on the dock, I think i may have said two complete sentences the entire time we were there. M. and his friend were going about about all this drama that was going on with the people they knew. I felt like I was just taking up space. And not once did M. touch me. Take my hand. Something. Just so I knew he was still there . . . still knew I was there. I didn't want all out PDA in front of his friend, only a hey-I-know-your-shy-but-don't-worry-I'm-right-here-don't-be-scared kind of gesture. After that trip, a tiny small part of me wanted to decide not to have anything to do with his friends at all. They are thick as thieves, and I'm the introvert.

I keep mentioning how scary (but still exciting) moving is going to be. Not only in the sense that I will be on my own for the first time, and 2700 miles away from home at that, but also in the sense that I won't know anyone save for M. and his family. But maybe now that I've come to this understanding of myself and have shared this with M., we can find a way to make the transition better. I might be able to cope with things better.