I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.

The life of a senior leaves no time for blogging =/. The good news is two trimesters down; one to go. I cannot wait for June 3! Finals week was once again a serious killer, but I did what I could. One upside is once I'm done with school I'm going to Europe for two weeks. Bring on the cute Italian boys haha. I just have to make it through the next three months with a serious case of senioritis and a new love for cutting class. It also doesn't help that my mom had be try on my graduation gown. What I want to know it what drug addict thought up those hats.

But anywho, the real reason I'm on here now is something I've recently noticed about myself. Lately, my rhetoric teacher has been having us present a speech or poem or dramatic monologue every Friday so my class gets used to being in front of an audience. This is preparation for the senior thesis (an insane 10-13 page paper that we have to present in front of a large audience from a one page outline, and then answer questions from the judging panel). By far the best thing I've presented is The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe --my favorite poem. I really got into it. Well lately the comment has been made that I do a good job of getting into character. When I get up in front of the audience, I am no longer myself. And I like that.

I don't know why it's easier for me to pretend to be someone else, and I can't be myself. When I'm myself . . . it's just not enough. I'm too nervous just to be plan old me. March 6th my school had a talent show, I finally got the courage to sign up and perform. I sang A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, and my sister played the piano for me. The dress rehearsal was a complete disaster. I usually don't sing with a microphone, but this time I had to because the song was getting in the lower range for me. And because of choir, I'm usually holding a binder, so I had no idea what to do with my body. Pitiful, I know. So the day of the talent show, I gave myself a character to be, and the song was a smashing success after a few changes to the song.

I'm probably in need of a serious confidence boost. I'm afraid insecurity has gotten the better of me.

Oh, I saw Alice and Wonderland when it came on Friday, and I LOVED IT! Tim Burton is an absolute genius. The acting was amazing. I left the theater acutally wishing I could go to Wonderland....

The Hollow Men

by T.S. Eliot

A penny for the Old guy

I

We are the Hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

Our Dried voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or rats' feet over broken glass

In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eye, to death's other Kingdom

Remember us-if at all-not as lost

Violent souls, but only

As the hollow men

The stuffed men

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams

In death's dream kingdom

These do not appear;

There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column

There, is a tree swinging

The voices are

In the wind's singing

More distant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death's dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed stave

In a field

Behaving as the wind behaves

No nearer-

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land

This is cactus land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man's hands

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

Walking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

Lips that would kiss

Form prayer to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars

In this hollow valley

This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grop together and avoid speech

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The eyes reappear

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death's twilight kingdom

The only hope

Of empty men

V

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

Can a girl make anymore mistakes? I thought we were supposed to learn from them, and maybe I have in a way --just not what I expected to learn. I made yet another stupid decision, which may or may not cost me everything: It's only a matter of time before I find that out. What I'm about to disclose happened almost two weeks ago, and I've been dealing with drama ever since.

One night I was baby sitting, and I texted this one guy commenting on his Christmas tree because I passed by his house on the way. I honestly can't say what happened really because I'm still trying to figure it out. Out of the blue he starts strongly hinting at kissing me. A day later it happens. I didn't expect it at all. In fact, I was kinda against it happening especially given where it was going to take place: At school. But we kissed, and it was the most interesting thing ever. Not good or bad just weird. Immediately afterward I felt a twinge of guilt and absolute surprise. The guilt was because it wasnt even a month since I had stopped talking to P., and here I was kissing someone else. The surprise was because I was the one who ended up giving this guy his first kiss.

A couple days later he kept pushing me about when we were going to kiss again. I don't like being forced into doing things. It was at the school Christmas concert that he demanded to do it. I said no. This is when things started to get out of hand. My younger sister saw the whole thing, and came up to me asking, "Did he just tell you he liked you?" I wasn't going to lie to her. She started crying when I said R and I were kinda involved. I rushed her out of the room to explain everything to her and how bad I felt for doing it. I had no idea she still liked him; I was under the impression she's moved on. But I promised I would call the whole thing off that night. I couldn't be involved with someone my sister liked.

"R., we can't do this anymore."

"Ok. That's kinda good actually. Can I ask why?"

"I think all you see me as is the girl you get to kiss and nothing more."

I wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why I was calling the whole thing off. But then the truth came out: He fessed up to using me. I can't say that I was surprised or hurt by this because I had this small feeling from the beginning that that is what he was up to. He felt really bad about it and apologized several times. It was over. . . or so I thought. The next day after I got homr from my house cleaning job, D., my sister's friend, calls. My sister wasn't home, so I ended up talking to D. for a little bit. Suddenly she askes, "It was you with R. wasn't it?" Again, I wasn't going to lie about it so I answered yes.

Flashing back to the night of the concert, when I got home, my brother came to talk to me. He said he saw the whole thing between me and R. and wanted to know what I was going on. I told him, but made sure he understood this stayed between us. The next day I find out he told someone. The guy he told luckily was a friend of mine too. He assured me he wasn't going to let the cat out of the bag, and I trusted him.

Saturday morning I wake up with a text from R saying he wanted to talk to me about something. He started asking me if I wanted to be the only girl he cared about because I liked me and wanted me to like him. What? I was....I was screwed. After some fancy foot work, I manage to hold him off and have us just be friends for a long while knowing he wouldn't stick around. Later I receive another text from him asking me if I told anyone because this girl found out and told him. This girl happened to like him not too long ago, but they both decided not to do anything. Now I'm trying to figure out who of the four people told T.

I start asking D., and she tells me it wasn't her. My sister asks her four times and gets to same answers. We're both very suspicious of her because D. doesn't have to best track record with keeping things a secret. I asked the other guy who knew: He promised I could trust him. R. then asked me to not talk to him very much. I thought that was really odd, but I didn't really care. I did, however, care that people were lying to me. D. admitted the next day she was the one who told T.

I thought it was all over, and I wouldn't have to worry about this whole situation again. Ha ha ha. On Monday, my sister told me that yet another person found out about what happened. The guy I thought I could trust told J., another girl with a notoriously big mouth. I wasn't mad just really hurt. Were people havng a contest to see how many knives they could stick in my back? I asked him why he would betray my trust like that. He insisted I could trust her because she was his best friend, and she knows everything about him. That still doesn't give him reason to tell her something that isn't even about him.

If she tells, this is only going to get worse. If it spreads around my school, there is a chance R and I could get suspended. Plus, coupled with the other previous really stupid thing I did with P., my life would be over. Not that I probably don't deserve it.

What I've learned from my mistake is that I should say 'no' a whole lot more, and I can't trust anyone.

Time to start counting down the days to Christmas Break. I'm definitely not ready to go back to school tommorow, but who ever really is? I spent all day today decorating other people's houses. Fake trees really aren't that bad. Putting lights on, however, is bad. I get to look forward to putting the lights on my own tree some time tonight. Is it just me or does everyone seem to have to by new lights every year? I was pulling out all the lights from last year, and two were completely dead. One was working, and only half the lights on the rest worked. Ugh.

Now I'm the kind of person who refuses to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. It just seems that everyone is so anxious for Christmas that they forget about Thanksgiving. But now I'm in full Christmas music mode: I've been listening and singing them all day. My favorite by far is Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt; A close second is Baby, It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone.

Random change of subject...

This weekend is Protocol! I bought myself the perfect dress, picked out the perfect hairstyle, and found the perfect accessories. I just have to find shoes now. I'm still a little nervous about who my escort will be because letme tell you most of the guys aren't the creme of the crop. I'm determined to enjoy myself none the less. It's my senior year for heaven's sake. I can't wait to post pictures!

_________________________________

Moving on...it's hard. And now that my youth pastor has stopped emailing me (he never ended up calling me again like he said), I feel sorta abandoned. I really wish I could read minds just so I knew how things with P. really are.

I won't go into detail, but me and my boy did something stupid. Sure most would not think meeting up with your boyfriend isn't a punishable offense, but think again when you're going it without parental consent. From my last post you all know I'm not allowed to talk to him via cell phone... well that rule was broken after a week. Anyways we made plans, and I'm kicking myself now for not going with my gut feeling and said no to meeting.

Later that night (this happened Monday), my dad got a call form P's dad asking if we could come over to talk about something. From a previous conversation, I knew that P had to tell my dad we'd kissed before, so I was under the impression that was what the meeting was about. I was wrong. P's parents found out that we had met earlier that morning. Can you say 'oh shit?' My youth pastor was invited to come to the meeting as well, which was really bad for reasons I won't get into. After apologizing to everyone and their dog, the verdict was announced: P and I aren't allowed to be friends. P was quick to agree to it, so there was not much else I could do.

I kept it together all the way through the meeting; even though, I was really embarrassed, and all the way home. Once I made it inside, I broke. Luckily was older sister S was there to ask what was wrong. I told her everything that had happened that night. She told me that I had to be absolutely sure this guy was the right guy, because otherwise he won't be worth waiting 2+ years for. But she told me what I should really do is just move on, which is what I've decided to do. If I want to make it through the next couple years, I can't have this empty feeling, and be depressed, and miss him constantly. If we're not allowed to be friends, why should I wait around? Of course, this does not mean I'm going out to find a new guy. Hell no.

Since I decided that, I haven't missed him or had the urge to talk to him somehow. I'm pretty happy considering what's happened. The day after was a little hard when my mom was all passive aggressive with me. I get the the trust between me and my parents is broken, but they'll get over it one day. Now all I want is for them to stop bringing it up so I can really move on.

Today my Greek teacher, who happens to be my pastor, called me out of class half way through to talk to me about it. He wants me to write a letter of apology to P for the part I played --I agree with that. He also wants me to feel free to talk to him about it. I don't think so. He let me know that all the elders know about what happened; I thought about this as I walked into physics and remembered the teacher is an elder. Wonderful. Then I get home and I get this email from my youth pastor asking my how I am and that he thought I handled everything well. The urge to say "F U" crossed my mind, but then I thought, "Oh if you think that was mature, watch me not respond to you." It's like thank you all for your concern, but I just want to move on and forget anything ever happened.

Life was good, exciting, passionate. I was finally busy with school --still am. The last couple months have been better than I could have imaged all because of a boy. It happens to be my ex, and after two years I finally realized he's been there all along waiting for me to notice. But here I am once more telling you how bad things have gotten.

My boy and I are madly in love; it's as simple as that. I've been against the whole idea of getting married until now, and I've found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've even talked about it. And why is that so bad you may ask. The thing is we never really told our parents until a week ago. I don't know how many of you are familiar with courting, but it's the type of thing my religion advocates over recreational dating. Courting implies you go to the girl's dad first and ask permission to start pursue his daughter. We kinda skipped that step.

Through a certain event his parents found out. Not good. A meeting was set up between my dad, my boy, and his dad. My dad said yes to the relationship, but both dads wanted to slow things way down. Basically that means put the whole thing on pause for the next two or three years. There is to be no touching. No texting or callling each other. And even thought the parents won't admit it, no hanging out either (even in a group).

This past week has been one of the hardest. Separation isn't an easy thing. He's my best friend too, and now I can't even talk to him about anything that's going on. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel so empty.

Life was looking up --it's about to get worse.