Monday, December 15, 2008

The Growing Hole

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile. In the end, it's always been me...alone. This is the one feeling I've never been able to shake off; the one feeling that's quickly becoming a burden. It's weighing me down, until one day I wont be able to move at all. I don't think anyone would recognize the SOS signals. If you saw me, you would think I was an ordinary girl traveling along the unknown path of life. But if you stared hard enough at the mask, eventually you would see the person who's tearing apart at the seams: Barely able to hold herself together. Does anyone really take the time to look? More often then not, no. Of course, I tend to hide this feeling of being alone.

Sometimes it's easy to forget when I'm around other people. For awhile I feel ok, and things aren't as bad as they really seem. Only it doesn't take that long for reality to shove me back in my proper place. I'm constantly searching for things to fill this growing hole inside of me. I'm searching for something that will satisfy this feeling; something that will make this feeling go away. Sometimes I think I have found the cure, yet I can never be certain. Recently, I got this overwhelming sense that I was all alone. And what was even more scary was that fact that I thought that this was how I was meant to be. Always alone. I shed a single glistening tear, then sucked it up. I have to be strong, no matter how cracked my foundation is. Feeling happy and alone all at the same time is complicated.

Don't let the huge grin and laughing eyes fool you. Just take a closer look and you'll see all that's there is a broken smile and forlorn eyes. And I'll just stand here, as the world passes me by, waiting. Waiting for something or someone that will help release me. Or until I finally decide to grit my teeth and brave the storm alone. Alone.


Anonymous said...

I feel this way a lot, too. I have to accept that fact that sometimes people in all probability hate my guts. I hate to say sometimes this is true, that some people DON'T have anyone. Life is hard enough without feeling alone, but when you are it's unbearable. But you are not alone in this feeling. And I can gaurentee that at least one person wouldn't know what to do without you.

Anonymous said...

P.S. You haven't seen the last of Peter!

Luna said...

Let's hope the school's pipes freeze, eh? With no water, they'll have to give you free days. :D

But it's sort of creepy, how cold it's been getting. I actually have a comforter, a quilt, another blanket and I turned my space heater up on high... I didn't get too hot or anything. :0 It's actually pretty disturbing.

Red said...

I do not see the need to cover up your feelings. And if you can't explain them, then so be it. We all get bluesy every now and then. And if that even dips a wee but into depression then be it.

Those emotions are there for a reason. Let them work through you. Crying is a good thing. It is the bodies way of cleansing. Now, if you sit there and cry for now apparent reason, all day long, then you need to see what is going on. But I never fight my downness. And usually 9 times out of 10 you will find out what it is that has you down.

But if not then that is OK as well. Let go and you will be fine and dandy. But the more you fight it the worse off you will be.


The Cooking Lady said...

Oh...I forgot to tell you. We pretty much no longer use cows milk. We either use soy or almond. And no one knows the wiser. We use it in everything we cook.

This year will be my first year drinking SilkNog. I do love eggnog, but am willing to try something new. And I cannot see buying 2 different nogs if everyone will enjoy just one.

You have got to and check out my dairy free recipes. I have relabeled them for a homeschooling child who is allergic to dairy. And if you ever have any questions about food or cooking, never hesitate to ask.

And if you ever visit Florida, you have a meal with your name on it chicky!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

this quote from Fight Club best describes my relationship with my parents and how they want me to live.

Tyler Durden: My dad never went to college, so it was real important that I go.
Narrator: Sounds familiar.
Tyler Durden: So I graduate, I call him up long distance, I say "Dad, now what?" He says, "Get a job."
Narrator: Same here.
Tyler Durden: Now I'm 25, make my yearly call again. I say Dad, "Now what?" He says, "I don't know, get married."
Narrator: I can't get married, I'm a 30 year old boy.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a waste of a life?

Luna said...

:D Thank you.