Saturday, September 13, 2008

Screaming in a Silenced World


I want to make something very clear: I just want to be heard. It's as simple as that. I'm just your not-so-average teenager who wants her screaming to finally reach the ears of anyone who will listen. I want to inspire, to make people think, to learn something from others, to get my thoughts, concerns, problems out there. Mostly I wanted an emotional outlet; I didn't know how people would respond or if anyone would even read it. But I'm glad people do read my blog and understand, for the most part, where I'm coming from.

In all honesty, I do have some personal issues that need mending. The only problem I've had with that is I let them fester too long. Pushing them deeper and deeper inside of me. The result wasn't pretty...naturally. I am now only the bitter, angry shell of a person. It took this summer for me to see that, and it hurt. Of course, I don't really know how to deal with these problems: I don't feel comfortable exposing myself that much to friends or family. So why blog about it for all to read? Well I think I like blogging so much because the readers don't know me. They are, in a sense, not biased (I don't know if that's the exact word I'm looking for, but it will have to do). I still have a long way to go before I'll ever be ok with my life.

Last night, as I was sitting on my couch watching House, I hit a wall. Now I'm not talking about your every day clumsy little happenings, I mean a head on collision. Something clicked in my head, and it kinda made sense. I just want people to leave me alone. I think that is directed more towards my "friends". If I'm having SO much trouble moving on from the past, why not start over? Cut myself off from the "old" and begin again. Yes, I don't know if this is the conventional way of doing things. I don't even know what triggered the thought! Really, I'm not sure if this will even work or if it's the right thing to do. Yes, starting over with a clean slate is ideal, but probably easier said then done. Well if I actually cut myself off, maybe I'll finally be able to find myself. I need to do that before I deal with everything else. Hmmm soul searching...this should be interesting. Not sure what I'll find. The ups and downs come fast in my life, so one minute I'll seem completely fine, and the next I'm a walking disaster (just a little warning).

I'm sure there are people out there who know what I'm talking about. My screaming might actually be answered.

Keep the comments/advice coming.


Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. Every time I get in a bad emotional state I question everything about myself and think I'm not good enough.

I did what you're think of doing. One summer, I cut all my hair off, and stopped contacting my old friends and made new ones. Ones who don't think of me as a horrible freak.

I don't know if this comment was helpful. . .

Hanna said...

Hey, I came across your blog becuase you commented on someone else's, but I notice in your profile that you highland dance... me too! Kinda random, I know.

I kinda feel the same way, about my "friends" I mean. It's like, they don't even know the real me, and think that they do. I'm slowly seperating myself from some of them, the not real ones. The ones that are just kindof there, that I don't really tell anything to; the important stuff anyways. But I'm grabbing onto the one that does know me... latching on and not letting go. She helps me through everything.

~*Live2Love2Laugh*~ said...

thanks for the comment.
and yes,sometimes i feel like i want somebody to hear my screams too. but i usually just write all my screaming in a secret journal.
its an emo side of me the imediate world doesn't know about.
all the sucidal, crazed, in the moment thoughts. it is easy to blog about stuff like that because no one actually knows us.
good luck with the starting over thing. i hope the soul searching thing works for you.
from experience, being cut off actually makes one half of you listen to the other. hope i make sense. hit me back anytime. :)

Nicole Linette said...

I hate that feeling,
when is seems that everything is sprialing out of control and I just need to put things back together. Then I think I have figured it out, but six months later things seem to get screwed up again. Running in the wall, though, quite the way to achieve a revelation.. :D


The Cooking Lady said...

You ever hear that expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."? Well that is exactly what life is.

Life 'can' suck(I really dislike that word, but it did fit in this comment), but it's what you do with your life that matters.

I am just a speck of dust in the scope of things. I have never ruled a country, I have no grand title behind my name, no Noble prize sitting on my shelf, and no gold medals to speak of.

But how am I going to be remembered? I think quite nicely, if I do say so myself.

When I first started homeschooling I joined a local group and they had these things called co-ops. Where the parents volunteered to teach whatever they enjoyed, knew about , or just wanted to learn for themselves while teaching. I chose cooking.

I mostly teach elementary age and middle school, for the teens became to disrespectful(sorry guys), but they learned to regret me.

I am known as The Cooking Lady to these kids, and so much so that they have no clue what my real name is. But I am fine with that. For I have been told by many a mother that their children come in and attempt to take over the kitchen, if only to pour milk on their cereal.

All I ask is that 10-15-20 years from now when they are in college, or with their wives/husbands helping in the kitchen, and they do something automatically, that they look up and say, "Hey, the Cooking Lady taught me that." Nothing more nothing less.

Make an impression wherever you go, and obviously a good one. You will make friends and if they are good friends they will remember you, no matter how many miles are between you or how many years have passed.

This was a wonderful post. It's me Red. I did not feel like switching accounts!!