Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Finally Defeated...

I really don't know how to describe the feeling other than defeat. Even that doesn't get the point across. Ever have someone torn from your life? I'm not talking about death. No, rather it's a type of metaphorical death. Yet one that you can never seem to come to terms with. The wound only rips open; Growing and growing till there's nothing left. You try to distract yourself, but that only alleviates the pain for a short time. Then you go off thinking you can fill the growing void or at least numb that pain. But one way or another it creeps to the front of your mind. Unforgettable. How could things get this bad? What's worse is how could I let them get this way? I'm almost tempted to shut myself off from the world. Honestly, I don't know how I'm holding myself together at this point.

To many people that I have come to love dearly are gone in the blink of an eye. I just want to go back to when things actually made sense. My life actually made sense. I had friends I could talk to and trust: Friends I would give my life for. But now they're gone, and I don't know why. They say people change; however, does that mean that change has to separate people?

I can't take it anymore! I don't want the people I have grown so close to, to just disappear. To never talk to me again. Every time I see them or hear about them or look at a picture, I'm just reminded of all the fun times we've shared. Only now that can no longer be. How do you move on from something like this? I would really like to know. Please. Somebody just help me try to sort through all the mess I've created. I don't want to feel like this anymore; I'm sick of it. Maybe I just need to grow more as a person and learn to accept things for what they are. But when you feel like people keep taking pieces of you with them when they leave, what's left?

I'm sick of shaking

never waking

from the hell I achieve

I never knew you till you left me

with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring

way to buckle the knees

So mistreated, I repeated

Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated

I will stand on my own

Yeah your memory that punches me

has broken the bone.


Anonymous said...

I have felt this way before, too. I lost a lot of friends last year when I entered high school and lost even more during the course of the year. I felt really bad . . . kinda like how you feel now. And it physically hurts to feel this way sometimes. You really don't feel sad, you feel empty. A lack of feeling. Until you're reminded of them and the hurting starts again.

But no matter how bad you feel. I PROMISE it will stop eventually. Even if you have to look at these people every day and face them, it doesn't quite hurt like it used to over time. And even if you don't think so, no matter what Evanescence says, time really does heal all wounds.

Mr Bam-bam said...

i agree with wandering child this will pass. it doesnt feel like it will now but it will. ive felt the same way about some friends of mine a couple years back. and, i feel that way toward a girl i essentially just broke up with..
heres the thing, the longer you focus on this then the longer it will hurt hold your chin up girl and look forward.
i am scared of heights and heres an analogy: when i am climbing up a ladder and looking back the way i have come..it is super scary.but when i look up the way i am goping then whats behind me doesnt seem so scary. try looking up the ladder :)

Red said...

You know me Loney Heart...Mrs. Honesty, at your door step.

You do one of two things. 1) You can keep breathing, let your feet hit the floor and take whatever comes your way. Will that suck...you damned right. But hopefully no one ever promised you that life would be a carnival ride with cotton candy. If that is what you may be thinking, then go to the ticket booth and get a refund, for the joy ride ends right here...right now.

2) You can curl up in a ball and die. And obviously you have not done that so I am guessing you opted for #1.

I will be kissing 50 in a few years. I may not look as good as I did when I first got married, but I am still loving life.

In my 27 years of marriage, I have been sitting on nearly the poverty line as long as I can remember. Am I mad? Maybe, but I am still happy. Someone seemed to have taken away my ability to be financially well off. I don't want to be Mrs. Donald Trump *Shudders at that assinine combover*

But there are times I feel that something near and dear to me has been taken away. I can never keep up with The Jonses. I have had my financial freedom taken away from me and my family.

So both of us have had things taken away, but we both still like there is a hole somewhere inside of us. I am older so people coming and going in my life is just part of the process. I cry and I move on. Does that take away the pain? Certainly not. But pain keeps us grounded, it remindes us that there is a reality when we become to comfortable on that white puffy cloud. It's Mother Natures way of saying..."Hey Lonely Heart...here's a taste of reality!" And she is laughing at you, not with you. And she will only gove you what you can handle. There is an expression that is so true but it pisses me off at the same time. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

As a mother, that is one of many mottos I live by. You will grow older and find ones that work for you in your life. Accept pain, it is a part of life, but it does subside, but never goes away.

You will be all right...trust me on this one.

Anonymous said...

No, I got what you were saying. Did you see the music video?

Glass Mannequin said...

Well, then. Are you going to give up? I hope not, because you seem like one heck of a person and if you give up that easy, I'd say I misread something. Fight for the people you love. Take them back and if they refuse, find new ones and love them all the more for what you miss with the old ones.


If you ever need anyone to talk to.


Lonely Heart said...

You're right; I'm not a quitter. Although, sometimes I think it would be easier, but that's not always a good thing.

Thank you. It's nice to know you're willing to listen to me rant about things; even though, we don't really know each other.

DeAtH Pr!nCeSs said...

oh my god!! awesome poem....i love it..n ya dont worry...i hope you'll feel better soon !