Lost. Confused. Trying to figure out which path to take is not always an easy one. You stand there looking at which seems safer or more adventurous. But you can only see some of the way down each path; there is still so much that is unknown. So many happy and sad moments to go through, and life changing situations. The only question is which path will I tread and remain fairly unscathed? This requires a lot of thought. Choose the wrong one, and there's no turning around.

Hesitation.

I think I know where I want to go now. There isn't anymore hesitation, and now all I have to do is start walking. I'm still a little scared and unsure, but that's all a part of the process: I'm not going to let that fear control every action. I have to live life not audit it. Along the way I'm going to step on some toes (most of the time on accident), and hopefully make my mark on the world. I'm going to learn from every mistake, enjoy every happy moment, and ride the roller coaster of life. I should be excited. There's so much I haven't yet discovered: I haven't even experienced life yet, I've only tasted it.

I'm almost there. Five more months, and then I'll be crossing over the thresh hold. I'll be met with a whole new set of responsibilities and hopefully more maturity. I at least want to know my goals before I make the epic journey into adulthood. The preparation for this event has taken years, and all I can hope for now is that I'll be ready when the time comes. I am so ready to start defining who I am.

I'm sure there's many more out there ready to go through the same thing.

Everything these days is instant. We don't have to wait for anything; we don't even need to use our minds anymore. To us, life is experienced at the click of a button. We can sit on the couch for hours watching mindless television: Channel surfing the endless selection which cable provides until something strikes our fancy. Next we have the computer, which can be deadly. By deadly I mean, there is so much we can find on the world wide web. Many of those sites are things we shouldn't even let our eyes look upon. We can get whatever we want online. We're becoming a mindless people.

Just think back a couple hundred years. There weren't any TVs and no personal computers sitting in houses. Any free time they had was spent reading books and talking to others. People back then actually used their minds, and they enjoyed it. They were far better off than we are now. Back then they knew what it meant to work for a living. Everything they earned was precious to them. In light of recent events, if they were snowed in, they stayed home around a fire. Together. Now we have generators that allow us to watch tv, or use the computer, etc. We can't even be without those things for an hour.

I'm not saying we are completely hopeless today, but there's so much we need to recover. We abuse the technology we have today.

Would you ever cheat on me? I was asked that the other day; my reply was, "No! I'm not that kind of person." The person who asked me didn't think I was that kind of person, yet still felt the need to ask me. After that experience, I thought about why someone would cheat on someone that they liked. And then it hit me: You don't cheat on someone you actually like or love. It's not possible. If you you like/love someone, cheating is not an option. You would never do that to the person. If you cheat or prone to cheating, there's something wrong. Really wrong. Why are you in a relationship if that's what's going end up happening? Obviously you didn't really like the person to begin with. Sometimes it's tough to tell the difference between like and infatuation I'll admit.

Have the guts to get out of the relationship, seriously. Or go talk to the person. Cheating on someone is one of the worst things you can do. And yet many people still cheat. Think of the habits they're developing. I'm sure this isn't the whole reason, but it really does lead to failed marriages. A person who can not commit in any previous relaionship cannot be expected to commit to a marriage. They really shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Ok well it's a short post, but tell me what you think.

Weather update: Snow snow snow. Last night was practically a blizzard, and we ended up with pretty much a foot of snow, which is kinda uncommon where I live. The weather reports say to expect snow Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then sometime this week it's supposed to start raining (Thank God!).

I was babysitting until 12 last night, and when I got home the power was out. Thankfully at around 2:30 in the morning it came back on.

I absolutely loathe it when the power goes out. It's like the whole world stops suddenly. My house runs on electric not gas, so when the power goes out we have no heat. Wednesday night I was typing out a speech for my Rhetoric class when everything went black. My sister was in my room playing the piano, and started yelling my name. She's insanely afraid of the dark. So I walked down the hall to get her, and held her hand as we walked up stairs to light some candles. I had no idea what to do next. My sister and I were the only one's home. My dad and brother had braved the weather to go pick up my mom from work, and weren't back yet. As it turns out they were stuck in W. To make matters worse, my cell was dying, my dad had lost his, and my mom's cell was dying too. There was now no way to get ahold of each other.

I quickly called my friend R, who lives in the area, to see if he had power. She did, so I made plans to some how get to her house. I didn't want to be home alone without power. R's older sister was going to meet my sister and I part way down our hill. While we were standing there waiting for her, my parents drove by. Surprise surprise. They finally managed to get out of W. I raced back up the hill and into the house to call R and tell her A didn't need to pick us up anymore.

I was thankful when the power came back on an hour later. Trying to sleep in my room was impossible: I swear penguins could have survived in there. But the worst isn't over yet. Apprently the mother of all storms is going to happen tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping the power doesn't go out again.

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile. In the end, it's always been me...alone. This is the one feeling I've never been able to shake off; the one feeling that's quickly becoming a burden. It's weighing me down, until one day I wont be able to move at all. I don't think anyone would recognize the SOS signals. If you saw me, you would think I was an ordinary girl traveling along the unknown path of life. But if you stared hard enough at the mask, eventually you would see the person who's tearing apart at the seams: Barely able to hold herself together. Does anyone really take the time to look? More often then not, no. Of course, I tend to hide this feeling of being alone.

Sometimes it's easy to forget when I'm around other people. For awhile I feel ok, and things aren't as bad as they really seem. Only it doesn't take that long for reality to shove me back in my proper place. I'm constantly searching for things to fill this growing hole inside of me. I'm searching for something that will satisfy this feeling; something that will make this feeling go away. Sometimes I think I have found the cure, yet I can never be certain. Recently, I got this overwhelming sense that I was all alone. And what was even more scary was that fact that I thought that this was how I was meant to be. Always alone. I shed a single glistening tear, then sucked it up. I have to be strong, no matter how cracked my foundation is. Feeling happy and alone all at the same time is complicated.

Don't let the huge grin and laughing eyes fool you. Just take a closer look and you'll see all that's there is a broken smile and forlorn eyes. And I'll just stand here, as the world passes me by, waiting. Waiting for something or someone that will help release me. Or until I finally decide to grit my teeth and brave the storm alone. Alone.

What makes me happy?

1. My Friends: The one's who put a smile on my face and help me through every hardship

2. Long walks by myself.

3. Reading a good book in front of a blazing fire with a nice cup of tea.

4. More recently, the boy who talks to me 24/7 (literally).

I tag:

Red

Jocelyn

♥MademLee♥

I'm working on another post, which will hopefully be up soon.

I got 3 inches of snow last night! I'm hoping that this year it will actually be a white Christmas.

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I do have some exciting news to share with you all. Last Tuesday I was talking to a friend, who told me I should try to help out back stage for the play in April. Try outs for the play were last week. I didn't think much about it until later that night. As I was thinking something occured to me: There's always this bond that forms between everyone who's involved with the play. and to some extent I've always wished to be a part of it. Plus being a part of the back stage crew would help me get to know everyone better. So off I went to talk to the director.

Earlier that day we had our concert dress rehearsal (don't worry this all ties in), and I had to swallow my fear and sing my solo in front of the whole school. It didn't go as bad as I thought. Anyways going back to that night, the director told me that I should just try out for the play. The play happens to be a musical, and after hearing me sing he saw no reason why I shouldn't. I frantically rushed off to find my sister, the assistant stage manager, to help me figure out what I needed to do. I couldn't have tried out without her help. She helped me prepare a song to sing for part of the audition. The song I chose was "All I Ask of You." Of course, I had to sing both Raoul and Christine's part.

During the try outs, I surprised myself: I wasn't nervous at all! I had to sing a song from the play and a song from The Sound of Music in front of everyone, and usually I shake like nobody's business. This time I didn't. Even more shocking was finding my name on the cast list the next day. The funny part about it all is I get to be a man haha. I'm the Duke from Huckleberry Finn. The first read through was on Monday, and I absolutely love my part!

Thursday night: The concert I was excitedly looking forward too. I was singing "That Yonge Child" by Benjamin Britten. The harpist accompanying me was amazing. Again, I wasn't feeling nervous: I told myself to breath, to have fun, and not to look at the people in the crowd. I get more nervous singing in front of people I know, so I was better off not recognizing a familiar face. I went down to sing my solo and made it through without shaking violantly. After the concert, I got a lot of "Wow I had no idea you could sing like that," "You sang like a friggin' opera," and "You gave me goose bumps."

Well I can honestly say now, if I didn't have a life before, I definitely wont have one now. I hope I make it through the next coming months.