Tuesday, February 24, 2009

How to Deal.

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I don't know what it is that happens, but somehow life just seems go into the dreaded snowball effect. "Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over." That's a mantra I use often. Just when you think you might a good grasp on life, something starts spiraling out of control. I wish things were simpler: Maybe then I could understand why certain things had to happen. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize things only get more complicated (surprise surprise).

It's time to learn how to deal with life. Now where to begin...

Right now, I feel like curling up in bed so I can cry: I'm forcing back tears as I type. I think it's about that time when I finally break down. I just feel so lost; even though, I act like I have it all together. Inside, insecurity is eating me alive. I have to stop acting like every thing's ok when I know it isn't. I push everything away, then when the pressure gets to be more than I can take I break, pick up the pieces, and start the whole process again. Not once have I actually tried to confront myself. Why am I still trying to fool myself? I know something's wrong.

I see everyone around me trying to become a better person, but what am I doing? Nothing. Becoming bitter cause I'm too immature to actually deal with things.

On a more positive note, thank you Lenore for the recent blog award! I will try to pass that around asap.


11 comments:

Alayna Whisper said...

I know about the curling up on the bed thing. I've done it a few times....

Lenore said...

You're very very welcome. u definately deserve it.

Well, I am pretty much doing the same thing you are doing. Honestly, I will curl up in my closet and sob, very hard. i will hold on to myself tight, Try to keep myself from breaking something or hurting myself. Then, it just goes away. i guess i sorta push it away completely. i only realised how much I need to face myself after reading this.

But how??? HOW do I face myself. I find myself always giving others advice on this, but when it comes to myself, everything is useless. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ok...i mean REALLY ok.

All I can say to you is never give up. Life is full of ups and downs...We just dont see the good cuz the bad seems soooo big.

But, we cant run away. When u run away from something, u just end p running right around and back to it, except its even bigger that time. when you see all the adventure/action/superhero movies, they go on huge adventures, and defeat bad dudes ((hehe, dudes!)) well, this is our adventure, and we can run away from the bad dudes. They'll only find us again.

we have to be strong, strength is something you choose. Even if its not so easy to find.

i hope u feel better. How did things with K go???

xoxo

aivilo relluf said...

Thank youu :).
It's good you're openminded, that's the best way to be.
I'm sorry things are rough lately, and you feel things are repetively spiriling out of control. I guess that's just life though :/, it's a crazy ride. I think the more we go through, the more we endure, the stronger we become. You say that you never confront yourself, but it seems to me that you're doing so by writing about it in your blog. I mean, you're addressing how you feel, and that's a step in the right direction I believe :). So hang in there, keep resilient.

Kristin said...

I had that feeling very recently. And I had it for a long time. It really is no fun. I'm sorry! But sometimes I think breakdowns are good for you. They help the feeling go away a little bit.

cady x said...

That is basically the perfect mantra. -sighs-

Lenore said...

no, no, Nnoooh....!!!

Don't let him go. Keep trying to contact him. He means alot to you, he was a huge part of your life and you were a huge part of his. he cant let u go that easy. Is this being a better person??????

Call him, tell him how u feel and how much he means to you. let him hear u cry if u want...i had to do that, its ok.

Dont go down without a fight!! even if u lose, at least you'll know that u did all u could, and u wont live ur life thinking "I could have tried harder, and kept him, but i didnt..."

If he does move on...Thats his problem...he doesnt know that he's losing someone so important, and thats why he doesnt deserve you.

call him now...tell him exactly how u feel. tell him everything u can say on ur blog.

"Speak your Mind, even if your voice [s h a k e s]"

even a voice that shakes, is a voice thats heard.

but, if things do go bad...You'll still have other friends. He will always be a part of ur life, but hey, crap like this happens, and sometimes we need to move on....

there was once this girl with a plant. she loved to grow the plant and had alot of fun watering it everyday. One day she went outside to find a part of the plant sorta broken...

"mom!! a part of the plant broke!!"

her mom told her to tear the part off...or else it would hurt the plant. But the broken part still looked so healthy, and green, she couldnt do it.

a week later...the broken part wasn't healthy anymore...and was weighing the whole plant down. So,with a heavy heart, she tore it off...

I guess thats the best way i can explain moving on...if things dont work.

But tell him....to not hurt u like this....just tell the whole truth. If he really is trying to be a better person, he'll listen to u! tell him u'll always support him, and ur happy for him. tell him how much he means to u...

I hope things go well...I really do with all my heart.

xoxo

aivilo relluf said...

You're right, everything is simplified. But I'm hoping that we atleast posess the knowledge to use what we have wisely, and wind up doing alot more good than bad with it.
Ohh, I understand. Well maybe in time you'll be able to take the next step and try to solve whatever seems to be bothering you at the time, even though it's usually tough. Good luck :)

Lenore said...

lol....no one knows...but he's not a real person. he's the reflection of the moon on the water. Thats what the song itself is talking about. A Moon river! its soooo dreamy and everyone thinks that, if they cross it, they can go to new worlds. No one truly notices its beauty, but now that i have no rivers...I dont see it anymore.

The romantic thing about him is, in the song it says, two dirfters off to see the world. Thats what i want, to sail across moon river with someone special.

I know its strange, but now that i undrstand the song, i just find it sooooo beautiful!

xoxo

shelbyisms. said...

I think every teenager goes through what you go through. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel like curling up on their beds for a good cry every once and a while, and the ones that don't mention it probably do anyway. They're just secret agents, or something.

Stick it through.

Lenore said...

i know, walking in the rain is sooooo magical.

I really cried hard at the part in A Little Princess when the old dude living next door was saying goodbye to his son (John, I think?) That really did something to me...Old people always stir emotions for me, lol. I was also about to burst out sobbing when she was trying to make papa remember her. omg....

I love the strange-ness of Alice in Wonderland! Its exactly like the dreams I have! Where nothing makes sense...lol, last night I had a dream that I was in Boston and I got lost and was trying to find the right Subway to go on, and then I ran into Pete Wentz...Haha!!! I LOVE him, so that dream was awesome. Except when I tried to flirt with him, he grabbed both my arms by the wrist *swoon* and said "I'm married and have a kid." then walked off. I was heart broken...ahhhh pete.

LOL, soooo random.

Oh, thank you soooo much! Music is really my life! hehe, I love the first song, the Laura Marling one. "cross your fingers. hold your toes......ae're all gonna die when the buildiing blows" hehe, sounds quite horrible, but nice when you hear the actual music.

xoxo

趙又廷Kirk said...
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