I'll just come out and say it: I have no friends. The one long distance friend is turning out to be a complete ass lately, and my one in-state friend I had is made at me over not going to a concert (long story, but all you need to know is she has no real reason to be mad). I guess the more I think about it the more I realize the friends I want don't want to be friends with me, and the friends I have are flakes. But maybe I'm a flake too, or I don't take as much initiative as I should.

How did I get this way? I completely shut down when I was a teenager. I was going through so much emotional turmoil that I just hated everyone. Not to mention I'm extremely shy, so now even though I want friends, I'm too shy to make them. I got into a pattern of living, and now I don't exactly know how to break it.

Everyone needs a best friend. I don't have one. I don't have that partner in crime; that one friend I could talk to about anything . . . if you have a best friend, I think you get what I mean. We're social creatures, and let's just say I feel really stupid for cutting everyone off. I just don't have anyone. I'm ending up jealous of everyone who has one. My sister had her best friend over the last night, and there are times when the three of us hang out, but this was one of those times where it was clear I wasn't meant to part of this little get together. Then it only became more evident that I'm missing out. It feels like I can't find someone because everyone has already found a best friend (sounds kinda funny, I know).

So now I get to bring in the new year alone . . . that bodes well.

The non-life. I find myself trapped in one. I'm tired of it. Really tired of it. I'm living in the realm of ideas and wishful thinking. It became more apparent to me after talking to L. We were talking about my relationship with M., and she said it seemed that he and I act like we're already married. I would like to call this a non-marriage. It's true, M. and I do act like we're already married. We just don't get to enjoy any of the benefits. This is all very frustrating really. If we're already acting like we're married, then we might as well get married. Instead, we have this idea that it might happen within the next year.

This is all pending a move that we're thinking might happen next year as well. And that can only happen if I pass the jurisprudence exam and get a massage license there. All of this can't happen until I have enough money saved up, find someone to live with over there . . . basically a bunch of variables have to work out first. But we act as if its is a definite thing. And I want it to be.

I feel like this whole non-life and non-marriage won't change until that happens. Everything is on hold for me right now. I can't get a job here because I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I want to make friends, but what's the point if I'm just going to leave. I can't do anything here because every spare cent I have goes into a moving fund. It's because I'm in this stand still that I get frustrated and moody with M. I miss him, and I can't be with him. And I'm so tired of this non-life. Hearing about his life is somewhat hard because deep down I feel more like a non-girlfriend. I'm so removed from him, and that's not going to change.

The last four days have flown by. This weekend I had my college graduation, and my boyfriend and I thought it only fitting that since he saw me graduate from high school that he see me graduate from college. So he flew out her for four short days. It also happened that he was out here over protocol (my old high school's version of a prom). The Alumni are always invited to join in the event, so my boyfriend and I decided it would be fun to go. Dinner at an amazing restaurant and a play afterwards, a good way to end his visit.

There were times that I wished I had planned more things for us to do other than my graduation and protocol (not to mention the mass amount of shopping). I'm torn between wanting to make the most of his time out here by doing a bunch of things, and just simply relaxing and enjoying each other's company. But overall both of us felt really good about how this trip went.

Now for the hard part. . .him leaving. You all might think that after awhile people in long distance relationships would just get used to always having to say good bye. Not for me and my boyfriend. Good byes are so hard for me, and I officially hate airports. We literally sit on my couch the night before or day of him leaving, and wait for me to just burst into tears because sooner or later it will happen. Once I do, he holds me close and tells me how much he loves me and that we will see each other soon. He's amazing like that and puts up with me getting mascara on his shirt.

It's not easy letting his leave. Every time I beg him to stay, even though I know he can't. I feel so complete with him, and now that he's gone life away from him seems that much more bleaker.

Last weekend I did something pretty uncharacteristic. Well, maybe uncharacteristic isn't the right word; it was more the sudden urge to do something spontaneous. Different. It was just after 10 on Saturday night, and I was sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds. A chat on facebook popped up on my computer screen. It was a friend I used to go to school with and had only recently reconnected with. He was turning 21 and wanted to know if I wanted to come to his birthday party. So I had to do a little thinking. On the one hand, and I was already ready for bed, I wouldn't know anyone there. On the other hand, I hadn't done anything all day, and this, this was different. This could be exciting. By 11 I was out the door.

When I showed up, it was a bunch of guys sitting around a fire. I sat next to my friend and chatted about school and the people that used to be in our class. It wasn't so terribly bad, other than the fact that it was freezing outside. Ok, it was a little awkward. All guys I didn't know, and I, the awkward female. After awhile, my friend offered me hookah. I thought, what's the harm in having a little hookah. It had been awhile since I had it, so I had a little. It was only after the fact that he told me the hookah had been mixed with some other stuff. I stopped smoking it immediately.

Most of the guys had left at that point, and a couple others and two other girls showed up carrying their bottles of alcohol. The conversation turned towards the possibility of going to a club or going inside to have a dance party once another car full of girls showed up. At this point, I knew it was my cue to leave the scene of the party.

I don't know what it was that made me so uncomfortable the whole time. It's not like I mind other people having a good time and maybe being on the high/drunk side. I guess I'm not the party-going type. One drunk or high person at a time. Do you have to grow up around that stuff in order to be comfortable with it? Perhaps it's the fact that I have to be in control of the situation and when you factor drugs and alcohol in, well, that control goes out the window. If I were to be intoxicated or high, my control would go out the window. I'm too self-conscious for that. I don't know if I could make a total idiot of myself because there's no telling what I'd do. I think I have control issues. Go figure haha.

A couple weeks ago I met with a friend I hadn't seen for over a year. We went to dance together until she went off to college in Canada. We sat in Red Robin and tried to catch each other up on the goings on of the past year. I told her all about school, work, my boyfriend, and all that jazz. Her story was more about how she had no idea what it is she wanted to do with his life. She didn't know if she still wanted to pursue a degree in environmental science. She had no idea who she was. This was part of the reason why she took off a semester from college. And she's not the only one I know who is having trouble figuring what to do with the rest of their lives.

I felt so bad that she was dealing with this. It's overwhelming, really, not knowing where you're going in life. Everything is so uncertain, and all you can feel is the incessant ticking of the clock. But when I think about it, all this worry over what path in life your life is supposed to take, I don't know if I've ever experienced it. I was a sophomore when I decided that I was going to become a massage therapist. I had no idea what was entailed in being a massage therapist, but I had set mt sights on that career. When I set foot in the school (which I also picked out my sophomore year), did my first massage, I just knew this was what I was meant to do. Today, I just received my massage license in the mail. My license has only been active a week, and already I've had an interview.

The same thing goes with my boyfriend. Once we started talking, I just knew we were supposed to be together. Our chemistry was undeniable to me. He is my other half. I often say jokingly that he is my left brain, and I'm his right brain, but it is completely true. He's everything I'm not. I love him so much, and when I see him, I see my future. Our future. As I mentioned so many times before, now I've decided to move to be with him. 

There are so many other times in life that I could tell you about where I just had this certainty. I don't know if it is because I'm just really stubborn that when I put my mind to something, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it, or I have some innate ability to know what I'm supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm better at living than I gave myself credit for. You don't have to have some clear picture about what your purpose is in life, and you shouldn't have to go far to find it. In living, you find your purpose --Or rather put, you are living out your purpose day by day, sometimes unknowingly putting the puzzle pieces together until one day you take a step back and see the whole picture.

This journey of self-discovery is never ending, and I feel like I'm starting down this path once again. I may have just had a break through. Ever since school ended I've been dealing with having way too much time on my hands. There has been no social life to balance out the sitting, reading, and doing nothing. Needless to say, I've been going out of my mind. Depression. Passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, it's all been directed toward my boyfriend. It's like I'm mad at him for having a life and friends, which is absurd!

Every other Tuesday I meet with a friend/talk therapist/life coach. In talking all of this over, I've come to better understand myself. I'm an introvert plain and simple. I like being around people, but after awhile I need my space --my alone time. For some reason I can't seem to be ok with being an introvert. I desperately wish I wasn't, and that seems to be the problem. After the meeting, I realize that what I'm looking for is not a bunch of friends, but a few really close friends. And I'll probably have to wait to find those friends until after I move.

So coming to terms with being an introvert.

L. thought it would be important for my boyfriend to really know this part of me before I moved out there to be with him. I'm going to have to becomes friends with a group of people who have known each other for a pretty long time. As a shy person, this is no easy task. For me, nothing is worse than sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk about things that they only know, and no one has even really made an attempt to include you. Nothing really makes you feel more alone than actually being in a group of people, but still being on the outside. At that point, I'd rather be doing nothing by myself. I need to know he's there to be my support to ease me into the group, not run off with his friends and leave me in the dust.

I was reminded of my trip out to see my boyfriend back in to June. One event stands out in particular: M. and I went downtown to meet up with one of his friends. I'd heard a lot about her, and I'm more than certain she had heard a lot about me, so now we were finally meeting. As we sat on the dock, I think i may have said two complete sentences the entire time we were there. M. and his friend were going about about all this drama that was going on with the people they knew. I felt like I was just taking up space. And not once did M. touch me. Take my hand. Something. Just so I knew he was still there . . . still knew I was there. I didn't want all out PDA in front of his friend, only a hey-I-know-your-shy-but-don't-worry-I'm-right-here-don't-be-scared kind of gesture. After that trip, a tiny small part of me wanted to decide not to have anything to do with his friends at all. They are thick as thieves, and I'm the introvert.

I keep mentioning how scary (but still exciting) moving is going to be. Not only in the sense that I will be on my own for the first time, and 2700 miles away from home at that, but also in the sense that I won't know anyone save for M. and his family. But maybe now that I've come to this understanding of myself and have shared this with M., we can find a way to make the transition better. I might be able to cope with things better.

Living means taking some risks. Never are you going to find yourself absolutely prepared for anything. Lately, I've found that I'm willing to risk it all for the sake of love. I want to get married more than anything to M. I know we're both on the young side, we don't have it all together, and there's this little thing I like call money, but all you need is love, right? Or so they say.

Over the past year, I've come to realize how short life is; it is literally over (or could be over) in the blink of an eye. So why wait to spend the rest of your life with the person you love? The last couple weeks have been a major wake up call for me. I've gotten so used to thinking people are permanent fixtures in my life, and I take for granted how easily everything changes. Within the last couple weeks, a man I work with every Monday just found out he has stage four lung cancer and leukemia. Now it's down to a matter of time. We are so fragile. Life is so fragile. As soon as I realized this, I texted M. To ask if we could finally just be together, which seems to be the impossible task. I can't take wasting anymore time not sharing a life with him.

Then he told me of some mutual friends who up and decided to get engaged after one or two months of dating. They're taking the risk, and i couldn't help but be jealous and sad. Why can't M. and I take that risk? Why do we have to wait till all of our ducks are in a row? I understand that it's good to at least be somewhat prepared for marriage: it's not easy. But you can't wait around forever because your ducks will never be in a row. Please, show of hands, who has it all together right now? However, I know you can't force someone to do something before they feel ready. It's a catch 22.

So instead of moving to be with M. Next year, I'm now contemplating my next move in my education. I am really getting excited about Ayurvedic practices. The school I'm looking at is here rather then over there (ah, the vagueness of it all) and will take at least a year and a half to two years. Might as well focus on a career instead of idly twiddling my thumbs....right?

In media res...

"Nope, then I stop talking and get mad at everyone."

"I hate it when I get depressed and hate everyone."

"Yeah, it really sucks, especially when you can't stop being depressed and mad."

"You can't just buck up and get happy."

"I envy happy people sometimes."

"So do I but they never see parts of the world that we do. There are tiny, tiny upsides to suffering from mental disorders. They are NOTHING compared to the downsides though."

"Yes, being able to understand people and be more sympathetic and all that jazz is great, but it's tiring dealing with this all the time and makes you want to give up."

"Id does. What's sad is if the depression ended, we would be so strong. We have the strength to survive the desire to kill ourselves and the hatred of our own existence. But it keeps coming back and shoving you down."

"I was told recently that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I don't believe it for this very reason. I'm weak. All I feel that most of the time I'm fighting a losing battle. It's like living in fear because sure you're ok for the moment, but it's only a matter of time before you spiral back downward again."

"But you ARE strong. You survive depression and still maintain a life."

"I guess I have that to be thankful for. But it's hard not to wish I wasn't here sometimes. I just have an awesome support group aka you."

"Thank God we're both insane!"

"Glad we both made it to the party haha."

"Depressed people gotta stick together."

It's been something I've been working towards for a little while now, and it shouldn't be too much longer before it actually happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I really can't take being away from M. anymore. A year has been long enough, and now I want to have a normal relationship with him. One where we're actually in the same state and don't have to wait every three months or so just to see each other. A lot of things have to fall into place though before I can even move though, and thinking about what it takes is so overwhelming. Career services recently came to my class to we could start the long twelve week process of getting our background checked. We also filled out applications to take the massage board exam. Because I'm planning on moving, I have to take the national board exam. This one will be harder and more comprehensive, which has me a bit worried. I have twelve more weeks until I'm finished with school, and then it will be a few more until I can schedule taking my exam. This puts us into November.

I wanted to take a two weeks vacation over Thanksgiving to see M., but now that's looking like it won't happen. I can't really book tickets when I don't know when I can take my exam. And once I'm finally licensed here, then I can start the process of getting licensed in the state I want to move to. The jurisprudence exam is only given at the first of every month minus December. This puts us into January. I definitely couldn't afford a two week vacation in November only to turn around a month later and fly out to take that exam. And if I pass the exam, hopefully it won't be too long after that I get my license. I'm not willing to get another job here because I am unwilling to commit to another year here. So this means I will be moving and have to start looking for a massage job ASAP.

Now comes the question of where to live, and how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping to rent a room from a family M. knows over there. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll exchange house cleaning and babysitting for rent at least until I get on my feet. Mostly it's the financial aspect of everything that I find so overwhelming. I have things really good right now. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. And school is paid for. My expenses are just paying for car maintenance, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, and whatever else I might possibly need. The thought of being completely on my own is daunting. How am I supposed to make it 2700 miles away from home?

I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.