"Happy New Year's."

"Happy New Year's! What're you doing?"

"Watching Bones. Another pathetic New Year's haha. You?"

"In my room trying to get my TV working. Same haha"

"I'm on a bad New Year's eve streak."

"I'm on a twenty year pathetic holiday streak haha"

"I believe I know what you mean."

"It's actually really depressing."

"Agreed. Sucks when you don't have friends to party with."

"My God, I know! K. will you please move here? We have the exact same problems."

"I'm tempted to....I'd have a friend."

"Same here. Just move down here, and we could be each others friend and actually enjoy holidays."

"I'd love to actually enjoy the holidays for once instead of being totally depressed."

"They make me...bleh. Everyone's having fun, and I'm sitting in my room."

"Seriously... I just hate that it emphasizes the fact that I'm alone."

"It does. It's like, "Hooray, you have no one who wants to spend their holidays with you. Woohoo." And then I spend all night thinking about it."

"Yeah....I started taking it out on M."

":/ Really?"

"Yep, he doesn't get it. He knows something is off, but after how many times I've explained it... He's social, has friends. I'm not and don't."

"J. doesn't get it either. She's got all her college friends with all her college parties and guess what..I don't."

"Somehow I'm pretty sure going away to a four year college may have been a wiser choice. I think I get it though...with a boyfriend I shouldn't feel alone anymore. But I do, so maybe I blame him for 'abandoning' me here."

"Yeah. Is it his fault? Logically, no."

"It's not his fault, but when you're feeling rejected and alone, doesn't seem to matter much."

"That's exactly how I feel. It's everyone I care abouts fault if they're happy and I'm not. It sucks. I just want other people's happiness to making me unhappy lol."

"Yes! That's exactly it. I can't stand seeing happy friends. It's like everyone has friends/a bff, and I've got no one. I'm not too keen on feeling like a failure at life."

"You're not a failure. If you're a failure, I'm a failure. So you're not a failure. It pisses me off. I dunno if it's me or my environment."

"I am the I am because of my choices and the environment I grew up in. I think I can pinpoint the exact time when everything changed for me."

"Then pinpoint it."

"I got depressed, my dad was always getting in my face, I got suicidal, then started hating everyone and everything around me. I shut myself down socially."

"Eleventh grade is when I got depressed bad and burnt all my bridges. I regret so much of that."

"I got trapped in a pattern of living, and I honestly have no clue how to recover. There really is no one left for me here. I keep thinking if only I'd gotten help, maybe I wouldn't be like this now."

"It's like, what the hell are you gonna do? How are you supposed to build a life when you let yours die? People say go to new stuff and do new stuff, but when you're not used to stable social connections that you actually enjoy, you can't just 'make friends'."

"Oh, I definitely can't make new friends. it's like being the new kid at school and trying to break into a tightly knit social groups. Maybe easier when you're a kid. I think it's much harder as an adult. The most you'll be seen as is an acquaintance."

"Yeah, exactly. I'm good at getting to meet people, but inept at getting to know people. I don;t think I've made an actual FRIEND in....three years? Maybe four."

"Same here. I'm starting to feel how crippling it is not be able to make social connections. I guess that's part of the reason I'm so eager to get out of here. Can I really forge a new life for myself? I don't have any attachments other than family here.?"

"You should come here and forge one with me, but yeah. An entirely new start may restart everything for you. Maybe it would for me too. Gotta break the pattern."

"I have no choice but to break it."



I'll just come out and say it: I have no friends. The one long distance friend is turning out to be a complete ass lately, and my one in-state friend I had is made at me over not going to a concert (long story, but all you need to know is she has no real reason to be mad). I guess the more I think about it the more I realize the friends I want don't want to be friends with me, and the friends I have are flakes. But maybe I'm a flake too, or I don't take as much initiative as I should.

How did I get this way? I completely shut down when I was a teenager. I was going through so much emotional turmoil that I just hated everyone. Not to mention I'm extremely shy, so now even though I want friends, I'm too shy to make them. I got into a pattern of living, and now I don't exactly know how to break it.

Everyone needs a best friend. I don't have one. I don't have that partner in crime; that one friend I could talk to about anything . . . if you have a best friend, I think you get what I mean. We're social creatures, and let's just say I feel really stupid for cutting everyone off. I just don't have anyone. I'm ending up jealous of everyone who has one. My sister had her best friend over the last night, and there are times when the three of us hang out, but this was one of those times where it was clear I wasn't meant to part of this little get together. Then it only became more evident that I'm missing out. It feels like I can't find someone because everyone has already found a best friend (sounds kinda funny, I know).

So now I get to bring in the new year alone . . . that bodes well.

The non-life. I find myself trapped in one. I'm tired of it. Really tired of it. I'm living in the realm of ideas and wishful thinking. It became more apparent to me after talking to L. We were talking about my relationship with M., and she said it seemed that he and I act like we're already married. I would like to call this a non-marriage. It's true, M. and I do act like we're already married. We just don't get to enjoy any of the benefits. This is all very frustrating really. If we're already acting like we're married, then we might as well get married. Instead, we have this idea that it might happen within the next year.

This is all pending a move that we're thinking might happen next year as well. And that can only happen if I pass the jurisprudence exam and get a massage license there. All of this can't happen until I have enough money saved up, find someone to live with over there . . . basically a bunch of variables have to work out first. But we act as if its is a definite thing. And I want it to be.

I feel like this whole non-life and non-marriage won't change until that happens. Everything is on hold for me right now. I can't get a job here because I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I want to make friends, but what's the point if I'm just going to leave. I can't do anything here because every spare cent I have goes into a moving fund. It's because I'm in this stand still that I get frustrated and moody with M. I miss him, and I can't be with him. And I'm so tired of this non-life. Hearing about his life is somewhat hard because deep down I feel more like a non-girlfriend. I'm so removed from him, and that's not going to change.

The last four days have flown by. This weekend I had my college graduation, and my boyfriend and I thought it only fitting that since he saw me graduate from high school that he see me graduate from college. So he flew out her for four short days. It also happened that he was out here over protocol (my old high school's version of a prom). The Alumni are always invited to join in the event, so my boyfriend and I decided it would be fun to go. Dinner at an amazing restaurant and a play afterwards, a good way to end his visit.

There were times that I wished I had planned more things for us to do other than my graduation and protocol (not to mention the mass amount of shopping). I'm torn between wanting to make the most of his time out here by doing a bunch of things, and just simply relaxing and enjoying each other's company. But overall both of us felt really good about how this trip went.

Now for the hard part. . .him leaving. You all might think that after awhile people in long distance relationships would just get used to always having to say good bye. Not for me and my boyfriend. Good byes are so hard for me, and I officially hate airports. We literally sit on my couch the night before or day of him leaving, and wait for me to just burst into tears because sooner or later it will happen. Once I do, he holds me close and tells me how much he loves me and that we will see each other soon. He's amazing like that and puts up with me getting mascara on his shirt.

It's not easy letting his leave. Every time I beg him to stay, even though I know he can't. I feel so complete with him, and now that he's gone life away from him seems that much more bleaker.

Last weekend I did something pretty uncharacteristic. Well, maybe uncharacteristic isn't the right word; it was more the sudden urge to do something spontaneous. Different. It was just after 10 on Saturday night, and I was sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds. A chat on facebook popped up on my computer screen. It was a friend I used to go to school with and had only recently reconnected with. He was turning 21 and wanted to know if I wanted to come to his birthday party. So I had to do a little thinking. On the one hand, and I was already ready for bed, I wouldn't know anyone there. On the other hand, I hadn't done anything all day, and this, this was different. This could be exciting. By 11 I was out the door.

When I showed up, it was a bunch of guys sitting around a fire. I sat next to my friend and chatted about school and the people that used to be in our class. It wasn't so terribly bad, other than the fact that it was freezing outside. Ok, it was a little awkward. All guys I didn't know, and I, the awkward female. After awhile, my friend offered me hookah. I thought, what's the harm in having a little hookah. It had been awhile since I had it, so I had a little. It was only after the fact that he told me the hookah had been mixed with some other stuff. I stopped smoking it immediately.

Most of the guys had left at that point, and a couple others and two other girls showed up carrying their bottles of alcohol. The conversation turned towards the possibility of going to a club or going inside to have a dance party once another car full of girls showed up. At this point, I knew it was my cue to leave the scene of the party.

I don't know what it was that made me so uncomfortable the whole time. It's not like I mind other people having a good time and maybe being on the high/drunk side. I guess I'm not the party-going type. One drunk or high person at a time. Do you have to grow up around that stuff in order to be comfortable with it? Perhaps it's the fact that I have to be in control of the situation and when you factor drugs and alcohol in, well, that control goes out the window. If I were to be intoxicated or high, my control would go out the window. I'm too self-conscious for that. I don't know if I could make a total idiot of myself because there's no telling what I'd do. I think I have control issues. Go figure haha.

A couple weeks ago I met with a friend I hadn't seen for over a year. We went to dance together until she went off to college in Canada. We sat in Red Robin and tried to catch each other up on the goings on of the past year. I told her all about school, work, my boyfriend, and all that jazz. Her story was more about how she had no idea what it is she wanted to do with his life. She didn't know if she still wanted to pursue a degree in environmental science. She had no idea who she was. This was part of the reason why she took off a semester from college. And she's not the only one I know who is having trouble figuring what to do with the rest of their lives.

I felt so bad that she was dealing with this. It's overwhelming, really, not knowing where you're going in life. Everything is so uncertain, and all you can feel is the incessant ticking of the clock. But when I think about it, all this worry over what path in life your life is supposed to take, I don't know if I've ever experienced it. I was a sophomore when I decided that I was going to become a massage therapist. I had no idea what was entailed in being a massage therapist, but I had set mt sights on that career. When I set foot in the school (which I also picked out my sophomore year), did my first massage, I just knew this was what I was meant to do. Today, I just received my massage license in the mail. My license has only been active a week, and already I've had an interview.

The same thing goes with my boyfriend. Once we started talking, I just knew we were supposed to be together. Our chemistry was undeniable to me. He is my other half. I often say jokingly that he is my left brain, and I'm his right brain, but it is completely true. He's everything I'm not. I love him so much, and when I see him, I see my future. Our future. As I mentioned so many times before, now I've decided to move to be with him. 

There are so many other times in life that I could tell you about where I just had this certainty. I don't know if it is because I'm just really stubborn that when I put my mind to something, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it, or I have some innate ability to know what I'm supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm better at living than I gave myself credit for. You don't have to have some clear picture about what your purpose is in life, and you shouldn't have to go far to find it. In living, you find your purpose --Or rather put, you are living out your purpose day by day, sometimes unknowingly putting the puzzle pieces together until one day you take a step back and see the whole picture.

This journey of self-discovery is never ending, and I feel like I'm starting down this path once again. I may have just had a break through. Ever since school ended I've been dealing with having way too much time on my hands. There has been no social life to balance out the sitting, reading, and doing nothing. Needless to say, I've been going out of my mind. Depression. Passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, it's all been directed toward my boyfriend. It's like I'm mad at him for having a life and friends, which is absurd!

Every other Tuesday I meet with a friend/talk therapist/life coach. In talking all of this over, I've come to better understand myself. I'm an introvert plain and simple. I like being around people, but after awhile I need my space --my alone time. For some reason I can't seem to be ok with being an introvert. I desperately wish I wasn't, and that seems to be the problem. After the meeting, I realize that what I'm looking for is not a bunch of friends, but a few really close friends. And I'll probably have to wait to find those friends until after I move.

So coming to terms with being an introvert.

L. thought it would be important for my boyfriend to really know this part of me before I moved out there to be with him. I'm going to have to becomes friends with a group of people who have known each other for a pretty long time. As a shy person, this is no easy task. For me, nothing is worse than sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk about things that they only know, and no one has even really made an attempt to include you. Nothing really makes you feel more alone than actually being in a group of people, but still being on the outside. At that point, I'd rather be doing nothing by myself. I need to know he's there to be my support to ease me into the group, not run off with his friends and leave me in the dust.

I was reminded of my trip out to see my boyfriend back in to June. One event stands out in particular: M. and I went downtown to meet up with one of his friends. I'd heard a lot about her, and I'm more than certain she had heard a lot about me, so now we were finally meeting. As we sat on the dock, I think i may have said two complete sentences the entire time we were there. M. and his friend were going about about all this drama that was going on with the people they knew. I felt like I was just taking up space. And not once did M. touch me. Take my hand. Something. Just so I knew he was still there . . . still knew I was there. I didn't want all out PDA in front of his friend, only a hey-I-know-your-shy-but-don't-worry-I'm-right-here-don't-be-scared kind of gesture. After that trip, a tiny small part of me wanted to decide not to have anything to do with his friends at all. They are thick as thieves, and I'm the introvert.

I keep mentioning how scary (but still exciting) moving is going to be. Not only in the sense that I will be on my own for the first time, and 2700 miles away from home at that, but also in the sense that I won't know anyone save for M. and his family. But maybe now that I've come to this understanding of myself and have shared this with M., we can find a way to make the transition better. I might be able to cope with things better.

Living means taking some risks. Never are you going to find yourself absolutely prepared for anything. Lately, I've found that I'm willing to risk it all for the sake of love. I want to get married more than anything to M. I know we're both on the young side, we don't have it all together, and there's this little thing I like call money, but all you need is love, right? Or so they say.

Over the past year, I've come to realize how short life is; it is literally over (or could be over) in the blink of an eye. So why wait to spend the rest of your life with the person you love? The last couple weeks have been a major wake up call for me. I've gotten so used to thinking people are permanent fixtures in my life, and I take for granted how easily everything changes. Within the last couple weeks, a man I work with every Monday just found out he has stage four lung cancer and leukemia. Now it's down to a matter of time. We are so fragile. Life is so fragile. As soon as I realized this, I texted M. To ask if we could finally just be together, which seems to be the impossible task. I can't take wasting anymore time not sharing a life with him.

Then he told me of some mutual friends who up and decided to get engaged after one or two months of dating. They're taking the risk, and i couldn't help but be jealous and sad. Why can't M. and I take that risk? Why do we have to wait till all of our ducks are in a row? I understand that it's good to at least be somewhat prepared for marriage: it's not easy. But you can't wait around forever because your ducks will never be in a row. Please, show of hands, who has it all together right now? However, I know you can't force someone to do something before they feel ready. It's a catch 22.

So instead of moving to be with M. Next year, I'm now contemplating my next move in my education. I am really getting excited about Ayurvedic practices. The school I'm looking at is here rather then over there (ah, the vagueness of it all) and will take at least a year and a half to two years. Might as well focus on a career instead of idly twiddling my thumbs....right?

In media res...

"Nope, then I stop talking and get mad at everyone."

"I hate it when I get depressed and hate everyone."

"Yeah, it really sucks, especially when you can't stop being depressed and mad."

"You can't just buck up and get happy."

"I envy happy people sometimes."

"So do I but they never see parts of the world that we do. There are tiny, tiny upsides to suffering from mental disorders. They are NOTHING compared to the downsides though."

"Yes, being able to understand people and be more sympathetic and all that jazz is great, but it's tiring dealing with this all the time and makes you want to give up."

"Id does. What's sad is if the depression ended, we would be so strong. We have the strength to survive the desire to kill ourselves and the hatred of our own existence. But it keeps coming back and shoving you down."

"I was told recently that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I don't believe it for this very reason. I'm weak. All I feel that most of the time I'm fighting a losing battle. It's like living in fear because sure you're ok for the moment, but it's only a matter of time before you spiral back downward again."

"But you ARE strong. You survive depression and still maintain a life."

"I guess I have that to be thankful for. But it's hard not to wish I wasn't here sometimes. I just have an awesome support group aka you."

"Thank God we're both insane!"

"Glad we both made it to the party haha."

"Depressed people gotta stick together."

It's been something I've been working towards for a little while now, and it shouldn't be too much longer before it actually happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I really can't take being away from M. anymore. A year has been long enough, and now I want to have a normal relationship with him. One where we're actually in the same state and don't have to wait every three months or so just to see each other. A lot of things have to fall into place though before I can even move though, and thinking about what it takes is so overwhelming. Career services recently came to my class to we could start the long twelve week process of getting our background checked. We also filled out applications to take the massage board exam. Because I'm planning on moving, I have to take the national board exam. This one will be harder and more comprehensive, which has me a bit worried. I have twelve more weeks until I'm finished with school, and then it will be a few more until I can schedule taking my exam. This puts us into November.

I wanted to take a two weeks vacation over Thanksgiving to see M., but now that's looking like it won't happen. I can't really book tickets when I don't know when I can take my exam. And once I'm finally licensed here, then I can start the process of getting licensed in the state I want to move to. The jurisprudence exam is only given at the first of every month minus December. This puts us into January. I definitely couldn't afford a two week vacation in November only to turn around a month later and fly out to take that exam. And if I pass the exam, hopefully it won't be too long after that I get my license. I'm not willing to get another job here because I am unwilling to commit to another year here. So this means I will be moving and have to start looking for a massage job ASAP.

Now comes the question of where to live, and how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping to rent a room from a family M. knows over there. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll exchange house cleaning and babysitting for rent at least until I get on my feet. Mostly it's the financial aspect of everything that I find so overwhelming. I have things really good right now. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. And school is paid for. My expenses are just paying for car maintenance, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, and whatever else I might possibly need. The thought of being completely on my own is daunting. How am I supposed to make it 2700 miles away from home?

I swear I feel like I'm watch my life pass uneventfully before my eyes. But at the same time I know there is so much going on that I should be thankful for a moment just to breath. Just over a year ago I graduated high school, went to Europe, and met a boy. Fast forward a bit. In the fall of last year I finally got enrolled in massage therapy school a week before classes started. I continued to work mornings and go to school in the evenings with a precious hour and twenty minutes separating the two. I bought my own car, which is as old as I am, but it gets me to where I need to go (namely work and school). Oh, and that boy I mentioned earlier, yeah, we're definitely something. Fast forward even more. I'm now 20. I have 14 weeks until I graduate college. In August, that boy and I will have been together for a year.

Looking back on the past year, it's various ups and downs, I should be pretty content at how well things have worked out for me. If only I didn't feel like something was missing. No matter how busy I am, I always want to be busier. At the moment, I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and have student clinic on Saturday (soon to change in two weeks). When I first started school, I loved spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing. But then, once my boyfriend and I decided we shouldn't spend every single second in constant communication, I realized how alone I really was. I started to hate my uneventfully weekends. It was at that point when I reached out to a girl I graduated with. She was just as alone as I was, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. We started meeting on a semi regular basis at a coffee shop to talk. But that was just one day out of the weekend and for a few hours.

When the time came for me to start student clinic, I picked Saturday of my own free will. Who really wants to give up eight hours of their saturday to spend massaging clients at school? Sign me up. I thought that would be a good way to feel like I had absolutely nothing to do. Friday was coffee, Saturday was clinic, and Sunday could be the day that I just sort of lazed around dreading work the next morning. There are just too many hours to fill. I started reading again whenever I could find a spare moment. It helped me forget that I really only have two friends, one of which is a long distance friend, and nothing better to do. Getting lost in the pages of a book is all too easy for me. Of course, I'm somewhat of a book snob and have to buy every book I want to read. Finances have run short, so there goes reading for the moment.

I feel so small. Helpless. Empty. I can't rely on coffee dates, texting, skype, and long phone calls. People have lives to live while I have.....what? What do I have? A life? Sure, in one sense I do. I watch people live, and from the side lines I look on with envy. No matter what I do nothing changes. I just want to get busier and busier till there is no time left for me to think because when I do, all I can think about is how alone I am. I'm missing something, and it's making me fall to pieces.

"Maybe you're not a lecherous youth pastor, a hypocritical abstinence counselor, or a thieving neighbor. But you are somthing. A backstabbing friend? An insecure bully of a father? An unfaithful husband? A resentful wife? What? Trot out your thoughts, every last one, no matter how tiny, no matter how fleeting, no matter how awful or pornographic. Project them on a screen for the viewing public. We'd have you pegged in a heartbeat-- just as you'd be able to peg us. A good author could even work with unhidden things, the things you're actually willing for the rest of us to see. Are you a whining fusser? Do you complain about the weather? Do you know how much work went into that weather system? Maybe you resent an obstacle, anything that makes your day longer or harder. You think you're underappreciated. You, with the way you think about everyone else around you (your mother, your siblings, coworkers, or even your spouse), feel undervalued. What exactly is your value? Would this planet miss you if you ceased to be? Would the human race falter?"

-Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson

It's that time of year again when high school students dread going back to desks and homework. But for some, those who have entered into a new world, there is anticipation. What dorm will I be in? What will my roommate be like? Every fiber of there being buzzes with excitement. Maybe there are some nerves about how classes will be and being around unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. I for one have none of these feelings: I decided to take a year off. For awhile, I was relieved and happy with my decision, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone's leaving. I'm staying.

I can't believe I'm saying this . . . . I want to go back to school.

It feels like I'm missing out on so much. I need to do something. Do. Something. I can't just sit around for a year working and doing nothing. Why does it feel like I'm missing out on life?

Graduating from high school was one of the best days of my life. But since that time, the high has worn off and reality has set in. I think I just expected life to be so great once I had freedom, but with freedom comes more responsibility. Right after finals, I went straight back to work; there really was no down time in between. June 10th rolled around, and I was off to Europe for two weeks on a school tour with the same people I'd just spend an entire school year with. Now I had to live with them . . . for two whole weeks. It honestly felt more like three months. The trip was fun, and I'm glad I got the chance to go to Europe, but I wish it would have been more of a vacation and cultural experience. I'm in the middle of sorting through all 1200 pictures.



I recovered from jet lag not at home in bed, but at work. Coffee has become my new best friend. Once back in the states, it dawned on me that I probably needed to get my college affairs in order. How the heck am I going to pay my way through college after a $4000 trip? My bank account is totally drained. I enrolled at a technical college. All I basically had to do was say, "Hi, my name is...." and I was accepted . . . only to find out that I was two months late in the registration process. Just my luck. The only three classes left were the Fundamentals of Massage 1, 2, 3. I signed up not really know what else to do, but I know I can't take those classes at the same time. I also can't wait a quarter and then begin the program in the winter.

I sat down with the parental figures to talk about church, setting up a budget, and dating. I want to start a budget, so I know how to handle money and prioritize what my money gets spent on. You can never learn how to do that soon enough. They mentioned that if I needed to, I could take a year off and just work. Immediately the pieces fell together. Why don't I just do that? So that's what I'm doing: I am taking a year off. It kinda gives me peace of mind, but it's weird to think that I won't be going to school when everyone else I know will be.

I just want a pause button right now to figure out how I got here. Where did my life go? I should have taken more time to enjoy my teenage years because I'm almost wishing I had them back.

I haven't talked about him (by him I mean my ex) since last year. But I think it's time for me to clear the air with you all. November 16th was the night he and I were forced a part. At first, I was so angry at everyone, and not because I was angry I wouldn't ever talked to him again, but because I felt so much shame for what I'd let happen. Losing him wasn't as hard to deal with as I thought. I now realize it's because I wasn't IN love with him. I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I'm going to be honest. I was always looking for a way out. As much as I wanted someone to love me and to love someone back, it wasn't him, yet I thought he was the only one I could get. November 16th gave me the chance to finally cut all ties and move on. Find someone new. Find a guy who won't pressure me into things. Find that one guys, who won't make me feel like I need to look for the exit sign.

I just want to let you all know that I am so happy that he is out of my life; I am so happy my parents knew what was better for me. I'm free.

I gave into some of the things P. wanted to do that I never wanted to do. I'm equally to blame because of it. But I finally realized that if he loved me as much as he said he did, then he wouldn't have pushed me so hard after I said we shouldn't do any of it anymore. He would have respected me and not put me in the situation that he did. He should have been a man and told me when I was going to far. I don't hate him. I can't stand being around him though. We need to be out of each other's life. We can't be friends, and I'm ok with that.

Don't allow a guy to walk all over you. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve, tell him to hit the road.

I've had one of the worst weeks ever.

Earlier this week, M and I wanted to watch 17 Again, so we went into my room, but my older sister S was in there. She had the dog with her, and I absolutely refuse to have her in my room because she sheds everywhere and leaves a distinct odor that doesn't go away. I sent the dog out of the room, which upset S. I reminded her it was my room, and I didn't want to dog in there. Well, that didn't make her happy. According to S, it's her room; even though, she gave it up when she moved out. And, although she moved back home, she's never really home. I may see her maybe five times a month. Not to mention, she sleeps on the couch when she is home. I just get to live with her queen size bed in my room. Back to the matter at hand: Now S and I already have a strained relationship, but I do my best not to provoke her. While I'm standing there explaining why I don 't want to dog in MY room, she decides to tell me that I'm a bitch and she hates me.

Yes, let me repeat that. My own sister thinks I'm a bitch and hates me. She said she never wants to take to me because I'm always rude to her. In her mind, that's that case. In reality, she's la la land. She doesn't speak to me. She's rude. I've tried talking to her, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone who gives one word replies, locks herself in the bathroom/my room, and twists everything I say so that I'm the bad guy.

I stand there, and Mel starts defending me. I eventually go and get my mom, so she can mediate. So S starts complaining about me, and finally I decide to defend myself. But before I can get anything out my mom cuts me off and tells me to just be quiet. She was going to explain something until S cut in and started ranting about how rude and mean I am to her, and because of that she doesn't talk to me or want to hang out with me. I get shut down, but S gets her way. Enough was enough. I turned to my mom and said the only thing I knew to be true, "S is dead, mom. Just admit it already." I really do think this. S has changed so much (not for the better), and I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm tired for being torn a part every time S comes home. I'm tired of her making herself out to be the angel. I'm far from being an angel, but I'm not the bitch she thinks I am. What gets me is the fact that my mom stood there, and let her say those things to me.

S hasn't said anything to me since, and I've just decided not to say anything to her either. She can glare at me all she wants.

To top all that off, a couple days later I got into my first car accident. My sister and I were at the dentist's office when I received a call from my dad. My brother had left his lacrosse gear in the car I had taken. He had to leave for a game at 2:15 --it was 2:00. The dentist was nice enough to let me leave, so I could rush over to my school. On the way there, I hit another car. Thankfully it wasn't a really bad accident. The car is still drivable just not a pretty, and the other lady's car had no visible damage. I dropped my brother's stuff off broke the news to my dad.

Here's the situation: If the lady makes a claim, the insurance get jacked up and the accident is on my record for the next three years. If that's the case, I get taken off the insurance at the beginning of June when the rates change. No driving for me. If she doesn't make a claim, then I can still drive, and I'll be working to raise the money to get the care fixed.

Now here's the cherry on top: While I was exchanging insurance information, I dropped my cell phone on the ground. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but once I got home I realized that the phone had cracked and the screen no longer worked. Goodbye cell phone replacement number 5. I go through cell phones like water. Well, only because my contract doesn't end until August, and I don't want to pay full price for a new phone. I've been lucky to have a bunch of old phones at my disposal. I wasn't really intending to break all of them though.

Here's to hoping this next week turns out better.

The life of a senior leaves no time for blogging =/. The good news is two trimesters down; one to go. I cannot wait for June 3! Finals week was once again a serious killer, but I did what I could. One upside is once I'm done with school I'm going to Europe for two weeks. Bring on the cute Italian boys haha. I just have to make it through the next three months with a serious case of senioritis and a new love for cutting class. It also doesn't help that my mom had be try on my graduation gown. What I want to know it what drug addict thought up those hats.

But anywho, the real reason I'm on here now is something I've recently noticed about myself. Lately, my rhetoric teacher has been having us present a speech or poem or dramatic monologue every Friday so my class gets used to being in front of an audience. This is preparation for the senior thesis (an insane 10-13 page paper that we have to present in front of a large audience from a one page outline, and then answer questions from the judging panel). By far the best thing I've presented is The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe --my favorite poem. I really got into it. Well lately the comment has been made that I do a good job of getting into character. When I get up in front of the audience, I am no longer myself. And I like that.

I don't know why it's easier for me to pretend to be someone else, and I can't be myself. When I'm myself . . . it's just not enough. I'm too nervous just to be plan old me. March 6th my school had a talent show, I finally got the courage to sign up and perform. I sang A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, and my sister played the piano for me. The dress rehearsal was a complete disaster. I usually don't sing with a microphone, but this time I had to because the song was getting in the lower range for me. And because of choir, I'm usually holding a binder, so I had no idea what to do with my body. Pitiful, I know. So the day of the talent show, I gave myself a character to be, and the song was a smashing success after a few changes to the song.

I'm probably in need of a serious confidence boost. I'm afraid insecurity has gotten the better of me.

Oh, I saw Alice and Wonderland when it came on Friday, and I LOVED IT! Tim Burton is an absolute genius. The acting was amazing. I left the theater acutally wishing I could go to Wonderland....

The Hollow Men

by T.S. Eliot

A penny for the Old guy

I

We are the Hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

Our Dried voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or rats' feet over broken glass

In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eye, to death's other Kingdom

Remember us-if at all-not as lost

Violent souls, but only

As the hollow men

The stuffed men

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams

In death's dream kingdom

These do not appear;

There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column

There, is a tree swinging

The voices are

In the wind's singing

More distant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death's dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed stave

In a field

Behaving as the wind behaves

No nearer-

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land

This is cactus land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man's hands

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

Walking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

Lips that would kiss

Form prayer to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars

In this hollow valley

This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grop together and avoid speech

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The eyes reappear

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death's twilight kingdom

The only hope

Of empty men

V

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

Can a girl make anymore mistakes? I thought we were supposed to learn from them, and maybe I have in a way --just not what I expected to learn. I made yet another stupid decision, which may or may not cost me everything: It's only a matter of time before I find that out. What I'm about to disclose happened almost two weeks ago, and I've been dealing with drama ever since.

One night I was baby sitting, and I texted this one guy commenting on his Christmas tree because I passed by his house on the way. I honestly can't say what happened really because I'm still trying to figure it out. Out of the blue he starts strongly hinting at kissing me. A day later it happens. I didn't expect it at all. In fact, I was kinda against it happening especially given where it was going to take place: At school. But we kissed, and it was the most interesting thing ever. Not good or bad just weird. Immediately afterward I felt a twinge of guilt and absolute surprise. The guilt was because it wasnt even a month since I had stopped talking to P., and here I was kissing someone else. The surprise was because I was the one who ended up giving this guy his first kiss.

A couple days later he kept pushing me about when we were going to kiss again. I don't like being forced into doing things. It was at the school Christmas concert that he demanded to do it. I said no. This is when things started to get out of hand. My younger sister saw the whole thing, and came up to me asking, "Did he just tell you he liked you?" I wasn't going to lie to her. She started crying when I said R and I were kinda involved. I rushed her out of the room to explain everything to her and how bad I felt for doing it. I had no idea she still liked him; I was under the impression she's moved on. But I promised I would call the whole thing off that night. I couldn't be involved with someone my sister liked.

"R., we can't do this anymore."

"Ok. That's kinda good actually. Can I ask why?"

"I think all you see me as is the girl you get to kiss and nothing more."

I wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why I was calling the whole thing off. But then the truth came out: He fessed up to using me. I can't say that I was surprised or hurt by this because I had this small feeling from the beginning that that is what he was up to. He felt really bad about it and apologized several times. It was over. . . or so I thought. The next day after I got homr from my house cleaning job, D., my sister's friend, calls. My sister wasn't home, so I ended up talking to D. for a little bit. Suddenly she askes, "It was you with R. wasn't it?" Again, I wasn't going to lie about it so I answered yes.

Flashing back to the night of the concert, when I got home, my brother came to talk to me. He said he saw the whole thing between me and R. and wanted to know what I was going on. I told him, but made sure he understood this stayed between us. The next day I find out he told someone. The guy he told luckily was a friend of mine too. He assured me he wasn't going to let the cat out of the bag, and I trusted him.

Saturday morning I wake up with a text from R saying he wanted to talk to me about something. He started asking me if I wanted to be the only girl he cared about because I liked me and wanted me to like him. What? I was....I was screwed. After some fancy foot work, I manage to hold him off and have us just be friends for a long while knowing he wouldn't stick around. Later I receive another text from him asking me if I told anyone because this girl found out and told him. This girl happened to like him not too long ago, but they both decided not to do anything. Now I'm trying to figure out who of the four people told T.

I start asking D., and she tells me it wasn't her. My sister asks her four times and gets to same answers. We're both very suspicious of her because D. doesn't have to best track record with keeping things a secret. I asked the other guy who knew: He promised I could trust him. R. then asked me to not talk to him very much. I thought that was really odd, but I didn't really care. I did, however, care that people were lying to me. D. admitted the next day she was the one who told T.

I thought it was all over, and I wouldn't have to worry about this whole situation again. Ha ha ha. On Monday, my sister told me that yet another person found out about what happened. The guy I thought I could trust told J., another girl with a notoriously big mouth. I wasn't mad just really hurt. Were people havng a contest to see how many knives they could stick in my back? I asked him why he would betray my trust like that. He insisted I could trust her because she was his best friend, and she knows everything about him. That still doesn't give him reason to tell her something that isn't even about him.

If she tells, this is only going to get worse. If it spreads around my school, there is a chance R and I could get suspended. Plus, coupled with the other previous really stupid thing I did with P., my life would be over. Not that I probably don't deserve it.

What I've learned from my mistake is that I should say 'no' a whole lot more, and I can't trust anyone.

Time to start counting down the days to Christmas Break. I'm definitely not ready to go back to school tommorow, but who ever really is? I spent all day today decorating other people's houses. Fake trees really aren't that bad. Putting lights on, however, is bad. I get to look forward to putting the lights on my own tree some time tonight. Is it just me or does everyone seem to have to by new lights every year? I was pulling out all the lights from last year, and two were completely dead. One was working, and only half the lights on the rest worked. Ugh.

Now I'm the kind of person who refuses to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. It just seems that everyone is so anxious for Christmas that they forget about Thanksgiving. But now I'm in full Christmas music mode: I've been listening and singing them all day. My favorite by far is Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt; A close second is Baby, It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone.

Random change of subject...

This weekend is Protocol! I bought myself the perfect dress, picked out the perfect hairstyle, and found the perfect accessories. I just have to find shoes now. I'm still a little nervous about who my escort will be because letme tell you most of the guys aren't the creme of the crop. I'm determined to enjoy myself none the less. It's my senior year for heaven's sake. I can't wait to post pictures!

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Moving on...it's hard. And now that my youth pastor has stopped emailing me (he never ended up calling me again like he said), I feel sorta abandoned. I really wish I could read minds just so I knew how things with P. really are.